Jamais Pur

[Andromeda Black]

May 10th
Morning ; Dorm Room

- - N e r v o u s

Do you think I should say anything? I mean... do I tell him? Just come out and say it? What if it makes things weird? I mean, they're so good and I don't want to... What if he doesn't feel the same? Of course he doesn't. I'm the one that needs him, not the other way around. I'm the one that loves him, not the other way around. I mean, it's one thing to be brave on paper, here in my personal diary that no one will ever read. To actually say it?

Eep.

I love you.

Double eep.

This is some scary stuff. Seriously. I think I should wait until he says it first? until... a while. I don't know. Maybe I don't love him. Maybe I'm just being silly. I don't want to make things awkward just 'cause of my silliness, right?

And I don't want to say it and have him not say it back.

Well I mean, duh.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 11th
Morning ; Dorm Room

- - S i l l y

Maybe this is a sign.

Well okay, not a sign. But one of those whole meant-to-be sort of things? Like, I was brave enough to write it in my diary so the next step is... to say it out loud? To him? Maybe to myself first? One second.

Okay, I'm good. There's no one outside in the hall but just in case I put a Silencing Charm around myself cause yeah, I'm that much of a coward so no one can hear me. Here I go.

There.

I said it.

I realize this is all incredibly stupid and ridiculous and that if, Merlin forbid, anyone ever finds this and reads this - Yikes! - they're probably laughing at my stupidness right now. But you know what? I can't even bring myself to care. I can't even bring myself to feel embarrassed or silly.

Baby steps, people.

Baby steps.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 13th
Morning ; Dorm Room

- - H o p e f u l

I am a brave young woman. Girl?

Whatever. Point is, I'm brave. Aka I should be perfectly able to tell Drake. I mean, why should I wait? I'll just say that I don't expect him to say anything back but that I just wanted to say it. For once in my life, I want to be honest and brave and I'm going to be that. I can do it. I can be brave. Right? I can. And hopefully, everything should work out for the best. It will work out for the best. I mean... this is good, right? Yes. It is. So today then. Today, I'll tell him.

"I love you."

I mean that's three syllables. How hard can it be?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 13th
Afternoon ; Dorm Room

- - S h o c k e d

Oh

fuck.

Fuckity

fuckity

fuck.

Fuck you, Cissa.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 13th
Late Afternoon ; Dorm Room

- - S t i l l S h o c k e d

My face is on the cover of Rita's little tabloid.

My face.

And do you what the caption or title or whatever reads?

ANDROMEDA BLACK EMBRACED AS SHE TURNS BACK TO THE "DARK SIDE."

I wish I could say that I was joking. But I'm not. There's a whole article for the school to see. For my friends to see, for everyone to see. About me. "Turning back to the dark side."

I can't believe her.

Not Rita, no, this is the usual for her. Cissa. She told them. I can't believe I was so stupid to think that she wouldn't. Of course she told them. And as soon as they had another issue due to come out - Bam!

She told them. She told everyone.

Everyone knows.

Sirius saw it. The tabloid. He showed it to me. He thought it was a joke. He was mad but... he didn't really believe. Not until I ran out of the classroom nearly hyperventilating.

He must hate me. He should hate me, after all.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 13th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - D i s t r e s s e d

I can't stop thinking about it. How could I possibly think about anything else? EVERYONE KNOWS. This is the moment. The one I always imagined ever since I talked to Regulus but never thought would actually come true. I know that sounds foolish and maybe not completely accurate - I knew it had to happen eventually, I guess but, but... Not like this. And preferably just... not. Everyone knows. It's one thing to imagine it happening but to have it really happen, to not be able to change it... Everyone knows. Everyone knows that I "sold out" or whatever it is that they want to call it. That I've been lying to them. That I screwed my friends over for Bellatrix. That I'm some horrible bitch. Oh, I'm not being paranoid. I heard the whispers as I left the classroom and in the halls. Ran into Lucius there. Dropped all my stuff and just... I don't even know. He's clearly no more fond of me than ever. No one's fond of me right now. Why should they be? I must be the most disliked person in the school right now and you know what? They have every right to dislike me. To hate me. Everyone that was nice to me, that was there for me, for six years? I just fucked them over for people they hate. But no no no, I didn't just do this. I did it months ago and never told them.

Yep, guys, the story just gets better and better.

I don't know what to think or say or do. I can't even leave the room, I'm too terrified. What are people going to say? No one could have been expecting this, right? No one could have been expecting what the article said. That horrible article... Oh where is it? I don't know why I'm being so masochistic to think I should paste it in here but Merlin knows I'm going to reread the damn thing enough times and it should give me great pleasure to rip it out, to rip the stupid paper of that stupid, horrible tabloid!

In a shocking twist of events, it has been discovered that Andromeda Black has rejoined with her sisters. If you're among those who believe in the supposed secret Slytherin society, you better start believing that "Annie" is in. This decision was even confirmed by none other than Narcissa Black herself, who is quoted as being "thrilled" that Annie has rejoined with her sisters. In other words: If you thought that Cissa and Trix were a scary duo, you can now be on the look out for a Black sisters trio. Annie's reasons are unclear but one thing's clear: for all of you out there who you were among her best friends and had no idea about this? You may want to choose a new best friend. And Annie? Really, darling, how long did you think you'd be able to keep something like this from us? The public deserves to know, no matter how disappointed they may be.

Oh my god...

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 14th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - A n x i o u s

Well that was a fun day. I don't know why I bothered going to class at all. Only to hear people whispering disbelieving or making sure not to sit beside me? I mean, really! Not even my close friends, or anything, just people I talk to in class. They're offended? What did I ever do-

Okay, that was obviously a stupid thing to say. Write. Start to write. Whatever. Obviously, I know what I did. But I mean, really? They don't have to be so mad about it. It's personal! And sure, people probably think I've just been this huge liar or whatever and can't trust me and think I'm this bitch but I mean... Well I guess that'd give them reason enough?

That, or they're all just afraid of Valo. Danni, obviously. She was definitely the one that wrote the article. Or not, 'cause you know, it would have been even worse if she had written it. Shot me the smuggest little smile today. And just ignored me. The silent treatment. Which, when it's Danni, I mean, I don't really mind that. But still! I know that this has to do with Drake. They're close and she's obviously pissed. Not that she ever liked me - that little conversation before the Valentine's Ball was so, so weird - but still! This is flat-out war tactics now. Or something like that. Whatever the little fifth year queen bees call it. Then again, though, she's just thinking about her brother and can I really hate her for that?

Oh god, Drake. I was so set on telling him that stupid little idea of mine. And then I find out that this is splashed around everywhere and I mean, Merlin, he didn't even know yet! I wasn't sure what he would say when he saw or if he would believe it or if he'd already seen or believed it but I found him in the common room last night and told him I just needed some space for a while and then I could explain everything but I needed to sort some stuff out and whatnot and... Something along those lines? I don't remember the exact words, you see and well... Knowing me, it probably sounded much less rational and logical and much more flustered and ridiculous and not sense-making in the slightest.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 16th
Afternoon ; Common Room

- - C h e e r f u l

Apparently not everyone hates me. This, of course, cheers me up insanely. You know Adrienne? Oh what am I saying, you're a book. I swear I've begun to personify you far too much. Then again, I'm pretty sure everyone does that with their diaries, right? Ahh, there I go again, asking you questions. Silly me. Anyways! Yes, Adrienne Moretti. I was just passing her a note in class asking about some of the work and someone that started up this whole conversation and then she was asking if I was alright and I don't know how I jumped there in my thought process but I mentioned Peter.

Yeah. You're not the only one confused. Except, no, there's no you, I'm just personifying again. Ugh. Whatever. But yeah, I brought up Peter. Just saying how some people had been so nice to me. I feel so stupid, honestly. I mean, am I really that pathetic that I have to list out the few people that still like me to anyone that asks me how I am just to prove that not everyone hates me?

Don't answer that.

Not that you would, because you're a book but oh, for the love of Merlin, why am I going on about this again and again when I should be talking about- But then it was so weird cause Adrienne didn't believe that I was actually talking about Peter Pettigrew, which was strange, 'cause I know that when I saw him things weren't exactly normal mainly because I kept acting like the biggest idiot on the planet but still, I wouldn't have thought it was so out of character just for him to be nice to someone. Adrienne seems to think so though, apparently he's been really mean to her. But she likes him. She likes him. There is no reason that this should annoy me whatsoever. It does not annoy me. It doesn't annoy me it doesn't annoy me it doesn't me it doesn't annoy me.

But Adrienne was so so nice and just amazing. She basically told me just to stop caring about what everyone thinks 'cause they're idiots. Well okay, actually, she told me that I should just stand up on my chair and yell FUCK THEM! but well... I talked her down from that. She had some good advice too. Told me that if I can't just stop caring about what people think, I should imagine it. Mental exercise or whatever. Maybe it'll help?

I don't know. But Adrienne Moretti has like seriously made my day. That girl is awesome (:

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 17th
Night ; Dorm Room

- - W o r r i e d

Small talk with Drake after class today.

Small talk.

With my own boyfriend.

But I mean, what else is there to talk about when I've told him I need some space before I can explain things, that I'm not ready blah blah blah. Or would 'space' require that we're not talking at all? 'Cause that's just stupid. He's still my boyfriend. He's still my friend. I still love him? I just don't know how in the world I'm supposed to justify this to him. If I even can justify it to him. But I have to hope that I'll figure out some way of saying it, some rationalization that won't make it sound quite as bad as it is. Anything that will make him understand or at least not be angry or... anything that will make him still want to be with me. Unless I figure out a way to do that, I don't know how I'm supposed to tell him. Because if he finds out that the tabloid is true and the depth of what's going on and everything... Well, maybe... I mean, it's entirely possible, no probable, no like... very very very very very likely-

He'll break up with me, won't he?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 17th
Night ; Dorm Room

- - S c a r e d

...Yeah.

He will.

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself it that happens. No no no, it can't happen. It won't? It just... it just can't. We can't be over. We can't end, we can't... No. I just, I don't know, I can't let that happen. If avoiding him is what it takes to put it off then maybe that's what I'll have to do but I just can't let this get out of hand. I need to find a way to make this all go away, I just... That can't happen. I love need him.

Yeah, I'm back to being too afraid to write it in my own diary.

Yay Annie.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 19th
Midday ; Courtyard

- - P e n s i v e

Ugh, I'm so sick of this. Of everything. Of trying to juggle two completely different worlds, two completely different lives, and knowing that I just can't do that. That the longer I juggle them, the more they both start to slip away from me. This isn't working. Obviously, Johnny was only the first step. Not that I have to say stuff like that again, to anyone else, but I just mean... Oh, I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm just stuck in this absolutely horrid limbo and it's driving me crazy. Bella may seem to have accepted me more and more but not the rest of them. Except Reg. But definitely not Cissa. And then my friends, oh I don't know either. Sirius hates me. Johnny hates me. Bella (the other Bella now, gosh this is starting to confuse even me) and I are still good but the last time I talked her was just so... awkward. Uncomfortable, even? I don't know. But it wasn't normal. It wasn't silly and friendly and it wasn't us and I hate that. I mean, I know that I can't have everything. I can't even have something remotely close to that. And I'm not pretending that I still need to make a choice. I've made the choice. Ages ago. And yet, there are still things that haven't been settled or are just hanging there and... I don't know. It's like there's not just one of me anymore, there's two and they're both running in different directions and I've picked which one I am, and which direction I'm going but... the other one just keeps running.

Away.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 19th
Evening ; Common Room

- - E x c i t e d

So. My parents know. About me well... all of that. And I can't even believe this but... They want me to come to the Grace family's "high society pureblood party" thing this weekend! Seriously! Look:

Dear Andromeda,

In light of recent announcements and occurrences, your father and I have decided that you should attend the Grace family's soiree this upcoming weekend. We look forward to seeing you and your sisters this Friday.

Sincerely,

Your mother

Short, but it served its purpose and I mean, it was kindly written and all. The owl certainly took its time getting here as the letter was sent early last week but that's fine because I'm going to the party with them! With the family! Merlin, I can barely remember the last time I was at one of these events, it seems like forever ago. Gosh, that's this Saturday though! Three days from now! And I have to get a dress and shoes and there's no time for all of that and- no. It's okay. I'll just have to go through my dresses when I'm home, I'm sure there will be something I can wear, maybe I can alter it bit first if it's one that I've already worn. But this needs to all be perfect. This is it. This is me, Andromeda Black, showing everyone exactly where I stand. This is like my first official event with the family since all those years ago.

Yes.

This has to be perfect.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 20th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - S i l l y

Why do I always lose things? I always try and be so organized and it never works. I must have the worst karma in the world or something. Ugh! I bought the cutest pair of heels last summer that I've still never worn but I know I brought them to school with me so they should be somewhere amongst all my stuff but they've disappeared. Magic shoes ha ha ha. Not. Ugh. They were all bronze-y and I hadn't worn them because, well, I don't know. 'Cause I lost them and forgot about them? But if I wear that black off-shoulder dress with the pouffy-ish skirt and the lace to the Grace party and that bronze-y necklace that I always wear with my navy sweater when I want to be all Ravenclaw colors!, it would totally work. And I know I wore that necklace just the other day so it should be around somewhere. And the dress is in my closet at home so I just need to find those shoes.

I hate not being able to find stuff when I really want to wear it! This is so frustrating. And yes, currently the biggest problem I'm concerning myself with is that I can't find the right shoes I need to wear to a party. It's rather nice though, isn't it? Familiar (: I miss being that Annie all the time.

She was so much more fun ):

But anyway! I get to dress up all pretty for the Grace party and it's helping the cause so this is a win-win. Haha did I just call this a cause? Well, I guess it is. The getting back in Bella's favor slash becoming the old old me again cause.

Whooooo.

Now if I can just find those shoes...

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 21st
Morning ; Dorm Room

- - R u s h e d

Still haven't found those shoes.

And we're leaving the school tonight to go home for the weekend! Gah, this is silly. I need to go to class or I'm gonna be late! But I really want to find those shoes. The whole outfit is gonna be thrown off without them. I can't wear black shoes with that black dress or that'll be too much or too depressing and funeral-y and blah blah blah. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't wear black at all. Although no, I mean it's very formal and fitting and I think a lot of people wear black at these things. I mean hello, LBD? It's not as if people would have come up with the whole little black dress thing if no one ever wore a little black dress. So that's exactly what I'll wear. It'll be fine. I'll look great.

... And yes, I'm aware I'm justifying myself to a book. Yet again. Seriously, this can't be healthy. But oh well, it feels good to just be worrying about my dress and my shoes and-

Crap! I still need to find those shoes!

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

May 21st
Evening ; Bedoom - Black Manor

- - G i d d y

Didn't find the shoes. This sucks. I'm kinda hoping that maybe I never brought them to school after all and they're in a box in the closet in here somewhere or maybe even lined up with my other shoes - I took a quick peek but I'm gonna check again. That would be amazing. And yet probably won't happen. And while it's not like all my other shoes are black and therefore unsuitable to be worn with the LBD, I don't think I'm going to go with that. I'm thinking about it some more and I don't know if it's as flattering as I was thinking. And I think I might have worn it already, though I don't remember when that would have been... Oh well, in any case, it's apparent that my memory is officially just shot to pieces. Concerning absolutely everything. But this means no LBD and no bronze-y heels which were so cute all strappy and metallic-y ): Instead, I'll have to find some other dress and some other shoes and eek, this is giving me a headache. I really do wish I'd been given more notice but it's not their fault and I'm just excited to be going. I can make do.

On another note, Cissa is definitely pissed that I'm going to this thing. Oh well. Not my problem. She'll just have to get used to it. I'm going to the Grace party and there's nothing she can do about it. And I'm gonna look fabulous. If, that is, I ever figure out what in the world I can wear to this thing. And the chances of that are looking slimmer and slimmer...

But ooh on the plus side, so is my waist! Haha, the whole not-being-hungry when I was depressed there and didn't have a party to look forward to ended up being to my advantage, after all, haha. So once I figure out what to wear, find a pair of shoes, jewelery, figure out how I'm going to do my hair, my make-up, etc etc etc etc etc... I'm gonna look gorgeous and super super skinny.

Go me (:

Jamais Pur,