Jamais Pur

[Andromeda Black]

[Andromeda Black]

September 1st
Early Morning ; My Bedroom

- - E x c i t e d

It's time once again to leave the house and go to Platform 9 and 3/4. Yes, September 1st, that magical day we can go back to Hogwarts. My Dear Diary, I am of course, excited, far more than my sisters - neither of whom seem to really want to go back. I love Hogwarts. Whenever I'm at home I'm constantly trying to stay away from my sisters and constantly having my parents watch me with disappointed looks on their faces while they say nothing. I want to scream, I hate it. The worst thing about going back is that knowing that in exactly a year from now I'll be starting my last year at Hogwarts. Then it's done. It's scary. I still have no clue what I want to be when I'm older. What I want to do. I guess I still have a while to decide, though.

This summer wasn't actually that bad. I didn't fight with Bella and Cissy as much as I thought I would and they didn't try and hex me as much - a real improvement. Maybe this year they won't act disgusted every time they see me. I think I'll try to sit with them on the train - start the year off on a good foot with them. The worst thing is that I used to be so close with Bella. I have friends now but I don't have that special bond with any of them. She thinks I betrayed her by not being Slytherin- but it's not like I chose it, right?

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was Slytherin. Then maybe everyone in my family wouldn't hate me so much.It's tough being outcast. I'm not part of the Black Family. They don't consider me family. If the Black Family is 'toujours pur' or always pure then I must be 'jamais pur' - never pure. It's when I'm feeling like that that I go talk with Sirius. He can always cheer me up because no matter how much my family is hating me they will always hate him ten times more - I didn't go land myself in Gryffindor! Not that there's anything wrong with Gryffindor. I have nothing against them- but my family does. But back to Bella - it wasn't like I was the only one that changed - she did too! She was never gold-hearted but sometimes she seems pure evil. And with all these rumors of the Dark Lord, I'm scared. I don't want her to join up with him. She's only gonna end up hurt or dead if she does. But knowing Bella it's already too late...

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

September 1st
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - N o s t a l g i c

Back at Hogwarts already? Oh, Diary, I can't help but smile to be free again. Free to talk with people whose company I actually enjoy and free to not be cooped up in a small room. I don't know what I was thinking - sitting with Bella and Cissa on the train? I know it's hot outside but I didn't realize the heat had affected my head that much. On the bright side, at least I chose smarter seating arrangements during the feast. Of course, the fact that we have to sit with members of our house could have had something to do with that... Whatever. I think I just have to admit that whatever me and Bella was had is over. Has been for a long time. As you can see, I don't like putting it down it words. Because once it's on paper it means I've admitted it. It means that it's true...

Though I should have admitted it by now.

Hope is a foolish thing.

Especially when concerning Bellatrix Black.

I guess I should look at the silver lining to my cloud - I'm at Hogwarts. I have other friends - not that Bella really even is my friend. Sirius and James and Hailey and Lily and Dylena... I don't need my sisters. But I can stop feeling scared for Bella. Even if there's no point. Bella's path has been laid out for her for a long time. And she's set on it, I know it. Anyway, if something does happen to her I don't think my life would be much worse I would miss her, though. It's sad and disgusting and pathetic but true. I still like Bella, no matter how much she's changed. Maybe I don't like the whole Dark Arts side of her but deep down she is my sister and my first friend. Best friend. Whatever we are now she can't change the past...

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

September 6th
Afternoon ; The Courtyard

- - C o n t e n t

Well that was enjoyable. I just ran into Indigo and Keri. They were out by the Willow, that terrifying thing. I'll never understand how Indigo had been so oddly comfortable around it. It amazes me. But anyways, we chatted a bit about our summers, seems we're all glad to be back at Hogwarts. So at least I'm not alone there.

It was just a quick chat though, then we all went our separate ways and now I'm lying down in the corner of the Courtyard, scribbling away in you, my Dearest Diary. But I should probably move along and get on some of that homework we were assigned. Oh well. All in all, the first Saturday of the year has been pretty relaxed so far - exactly what I needed.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

September 17th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - C r u s h e d

I hate them! Both of them! They're just horrible, miserable little cows! And yes I mean Bella and Cissy. I can't believe them! I mean this is more than normal. Aunt Dorea is dead! Dead! That's not funny, there's no changing that. You'd think they could be semi-nice to me just this once when I need it the most. But no, they just have to be their normal, lovable, bitchy selves. Thanks guys. Your sympathy is appreciated. Truly.

I can't believe she's gone. She was the only adult in the family that didn't hate me. The only one. Well maybe 'hate' is a strong word...Oh Who am I kidding. My family is insane. Literally, I'm quite sure the gene is running somewhere through our bloodstreams or whatever. I should be glad I didn't turn out like the rest of them. But I'm not. I know it sounds crazy but I wish I could be some cold little ice princess or whatever like Narcissa. Actually liked by everyone in the family and just so in control of myself instead of always getting upset and being childish and - Ugh.

Who am I kidding? I am nothing like Narcissa.

I am a complete mess.

And then there's Bella. I wouldn't necessarily want to be her but I wish we were still close. I know I've written this thousands of times already but it still hasn't changed. Maybe it never will. I would give anything to be friends with Bella again - to be able to call her Bella - even for just one day. Anything. She knows this though, I think, which is only to her advantage. Still, no many how many times I write it, I know I'll always write it again. Because everytime I do it seems more and more possible. It's only when I put the pen down that I realize how foolish I'm being. There's no way we'll be friends. There's too much behind us.

But some of it was good. We used to be so close, damn it! What happened! Actually that's a fairly easy question. Ravenclaw happened. The stupid sorting hat. I curse it every day. But not just that - if only Bella had have seen that I wasn't put into Ravenclaw because I was different, I became different because I was put into Ravenclaw. But if she had have made as though it didn't matter. I wouldn't be different. I wouldn't be a mess.

What am I writing here! This is stupid. I don't want to be friends with Bella and Cissy! No way! I thought I hated them here! After the way they treated me just now. Aunt Dorea is dead and they couldn't care less. They're horrible.

Exactly.

And wouldn't I like if they liked me and weren't horrible? Yes. Very much. But there's nothing be done. I don't think anything can erase the past six years. Too bad they turned out this way. 'Cause there were eleven amazing years before them.

Jamais Pur,
(Though I don't take pride in it)

[Andromeda Black]

September 21st
Evening ; The Courtyard

- - T i r e d

Well. We're back at school now. This weekend was... The funeral was... Oh, I don't know. I'm a bit dazed still, to be honest. The parents were their normal selves, pretty much ignored me. Bella and Cissy were also their normal selves. The funeral was sad.

I cried.

Of course.

Ugh. I'm just tired. But we're back at school, today was just a normal school day and the funeral is over and I'm glad for that. I'm going to miss Aunt Dorea, for sure, I mean... she was my only ally. Except for Sirius but he doesn't count since he's not really part of the family anymore. That sounds mean though, saying it like that. Oh I don't know. The mosquitoes or gnats or whatever are coming out now, I think I'm going to go inside.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

November 29th
Afternoon ; The Library

- - C o n t e m p l a t i v e

There you are, Diary. It's been a while. But I have something interesting to report. You'll never guess who I just talked with. Give up?

Regulus.

Yes, as in my cousin. I just bumped into him, here in the library. Thank Merlin, I was dying - all those stupid little people busy studying kept glaring at me for making the slightest noise. It's like 'Get a life, okay?' Maybe I'm being unreasonable. I do have a tendancy to do that. Anyway, back to Regulus. We talked for a bit - it still surprises me that he doesn't hate me. My own sisters do, after all! But then Bella and Cissa have long proved that they are capable of more animosity than the average human being. Damn, I swore I'd stop thinking about them. This is driving me insane.

Anyway, we started talking about him and Indigo. Apparently, he's really serious about it all - much more than I thought. He's worried about his parents finding out though - I mean, they wouldn't exactly be thrilled. And he's not ready to completely break free yet from them. I felt bad so I tried to be consoling but I'm not sure if I was much help at all. I hope so.

It makes me just hate my family even more. Regulus really likes Indigo and I don't want him to lose her for stupid reaons but that is exactly what I am afraid will happen.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

December 15th
Very Late ; Dorm Room

- - P l e a s e d

Well that was much more fun than I'd been hoping for! Just got back from the Winter Ball, I had a great time. I mean, I was a bit worried about the whole 'going single' thing seeing as that's not usually how I do these things but it went well. I found Vas and two others, Bella Evangeline and Marlene McKinnon. Well, Marlene was only too quick to snag some guy's attention and waltz off but Vas and Bella and I still had a fun time.

Yes, tonight was extremely enjoyable, I feel excited and happy and tired all at once. So I think that going to sleep is probably the best course action. Good night.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 2nd
Afternoon ; In the Halls

- - C h e e r f u l

I can't believe it. That was incredible. Absofuckinglutely incredible. You'll never guess who I just ran into. (I seem to be running into a lot of unexpected people lately.) Give up?

Rita Skeeter!

And while bumping into her is usually little reason for rejoice since all it seems to do is piss me off that we're no longer friends - even though I can never hold her accountable for our friendship disintegrating - because I wish we still were friends, today was completely different. Mainly because I confessed something to her that I wasn't even aware of myself.

I have no clue who I am.

I've always been 'the middle Black sister' or 'the nice Black sister' or just 'Annie'. But who is Annie? Just some fictional character I created to escaped having to be Andromeda Black?

No, of course not. That's silly. It's a nickname just like Bella is Bella and not Isabella. It doesn't mean that I'm trying to hide from who I am. Whoever that is. I mean, I know about myself, I know what I like and dislike, but how can I classify myself? Everyone else seems so assured, their reputations hold them up but what's mine? Pretty socialite with the messed up family background? Is that who I want to be? Hell, no. I want people to know me for being Annie and not just being a Black. Though I do realize that's impossible.

Anyway, back to why I was excited. After my confession, Rita kind of hinted that she felt the same way. Which is horrible and all but I couldn't help but feel like a major step had been made. She told me something I doubt many people know. And there's no way I'm gonna blab it. But we talked a bit more and it was so weird because it felt like I was talking to old Rita, the one who was my best friend. Not the icy bitch that everyone seems to think she is now. Which is amazing.

But I won't get my hopes up.

But even if today was pure chance and never will happen again I'll still remember it in a good way. Even if the reason reason it came around was so that I could probably say goodbye to that other me. The 'Rita's BFF' Annie that I haven't been in years. Sometimes I miss her. But I'm hoping this is progress?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 4th
Afternoon ; Outside

- - G r a t e f u l

I feel so much better. I just left the tower to take a break from studying since it was killing me (I better pass that test!) and who should I meet up with? Bella! God, we hadn't caught up in a while so it was really nice. Both of us were bored out of minds with studying so we just chatted a bit and headed outside for some fresh air. I feel much better.

Mainly, I just feel more normal. After talking with Rita, I've been so mixed up - wondering about all the stuff I said - stuff I'd never even thought about before. But somehow with her it just came out. Ironic, I know. For most people, Rita is the last person they'd want to spill their most secret secrets to. But I trust her, as naive as that may sound. It's true.

Getting out and chatting with Bella just made me realize that I am still Annie. I have friends and a personality and I'm me. I'm Annie. Everyone else has accepted me now why can't I?

And why has it taken me so long to start putting up a fight?

I've been fine for the past six years.

Why now?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 5th
Midday ; In Class

- - B o r e d

School is really failing to hold my interest these days. Instead of paying attention to what the professor is saying, I am, of course, writing in you, Dearest Diary. And passing notes with Aceline.

Merlin, she's a bitch.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 6th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - D i s c o n t e n t

Something's wrong. I have no clue what but there's definitely something. School - and everything else - is just starting to seem so monotonous. Boring, in other words. Ha, after six years my Ravenclaw 'brilliance' might just be finally starting to shine through. It's about time. But anyway, back to why everything is so messed up. Actually it's not. Which is the problem. Yes, I'm aware I've probably lost you right now - actually there shouldn't be a 'you' because that would imply that someone is reading this and that, my friend, would not be good. Actually, there shouldn't be a friend either.

But back to the present and tormenting subject. Nothing's happening. Actually a lot it. (That was my last contradiction, I promise). I mean, nothing's happening to me. And I'm not some sort of drama whore that dies of lack of attention but I just feel like there should be something more going on. Are these not supposed to be the best years of my life? Actually, don't answer that. It's fairly common knowledge that that phrase was invented by adults who hate their jobs and wish they were young and carefree again. Only us 'young' know that 'carefree' doesn't usually go along with our youth.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can sense so much drama and tension in everyone. Except myself. Which, I know, should be a good thing. In a sense maybe it is. But it also leaves me with this detached feeling that I don't like - withdrawn from everyone and everything else. Almost like I'm fading out of the social scene. And however not-a-drama-queen I may be, that is not a good thing. Everyone else is complaining about it but I would worship the presence of some good old drama right now, if for no other reason than to remind me that I'm still alive.

Okay, I'm starting to scare myself now.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 8th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - C u r i o u s

Well that was interesting. I'd been feeling kind of down and everything and was just wandering around and I somehow ended up in the Astronomy tower. Weird, eh? But that's not the most interesting part of my day, not at all. That part involves the person who happened to be there. Who was none other than Peter Pettigrew. Which normally wouldn't have been a big deal, right? I mean, he's just one of Sirius's friends, and a rather quiet guy at that. But we talked for a bit about a bunch of things and he seems really nice. He talked about feeling tired of the whole routine of school and I guess I could just really relate.

In any case, it certainly cheered me up a bit to be talking with another person instead of just letting my thoughts drive me crazy. The funniest thing is that Peter was even flirting with me! Or at least, he said that I was cute when I blush, that I'm pretty. And I know I must sound so shallow to say that that cheered me up too but it really did. It reminded me that I'm still the same Annie I've been for a while - just cause I'm feeling unusually unhappy and bored of everything, it doesn't mean that the rest of the world is bored of me. Does that make sense?

It was really weird though because, twice, he touched me. Like my hair and then my chin and... I must sound so weird for remembering such little details but it was just that both times, I - I reacted. I touched my hair and my cheek where it swung against, and then pretended I'd been meaning to sweep it behind my ear. And I reached up to my chin too but then... Oh, I don't know! I was acting like a complete idiot, that's all. This is Peter Pettigrew that we're talking about here!

But he seemed so different today, so unlike the Peter that I normally see. It wasn't just one thing in particular, it was hard to pin down but... it seemed like there was so much more to him than what I'd thought.

I'll admit it. He's got me intrigued.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 10th
Afternoon ; Last Class

- - H a p p y

Well that was nice. And certainly a good little step out of this psycho mood I've been experiencing lately. Played hangman with Bella in class. And FYI? I am not good at that game, no matter what I thought. I did horrible. But it fun all the same. And really nice to just have some silly, girlie chat with Bella. A refresher, really.

Of course, it wasn't all just silly things. We talked about more serious stuff. Like... her and Regulus. Seems I'm one of the few neutral parties. Everyone else is either a fan of Regulus and hates Bella or a friend of Bella's who thinks Reg's gonna screw her over. I'm the mutual friend! Like, the only one really. I feel so special. Aha, but really, it's been hard on her 'cause so many people just have to make their opinions heard. It's ridiculous. I think they make a great couple, really. I know that Regulus was with Indigo and really into her and now people think it's a quick jump or whatever but I think he really likes Bella. And I know she's getting over Drew but... I don't think they're rebounding. Bella said they've been friends for a while but no one knows that so... yeah.

We also talked about that idiot Rabastan. He conned Harper into dating him and then a gang of his friends went and beat her up! It's horrible and disgusting and obviously Piper's work - the gang of friends, I mean. I mean hello? That girl is a psycho bitch nutcase. And she's Rabastan's ex, I think. And his friend. So she was obviously the one who got her little jerk pals together to go mess with Harper. It's disgusting honestly. Apparently Bella thinks so too.

She punched him in the face. Rabastan, that is.

Yep, this is Bella we're talking about. Tiny little Bella. I'm still processing this, believe me.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 10th
Afternoon ; Still Last Class

- - B o r e d

It's still the last class of the day only now, Diary, I'm spending this ones passing notes too. No hangman but it's an eerily similar conversation. I feel like I have déja vu. I'm just chatting with Harper. And apparently?

She punched Rabastan too.

Is it weird that I feel almost left out? Or at the very least, out of the loop. Eh. It's not their fault I've been so weird lately.

Jamais Pur,