Jamais Pur

[Andromeda Black]

January 11th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - R e j e c t e d

I don't want to-

I don't know what to-

I ran into Bella in the woods. My sister Bella. Things were going so well. We actually talked, we haven't in a while.

But then things got bad.

Horrible.

She told me to give up. Said it was over. For good.

And this time I think it really is.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 12th
Evening - Dorm Room

- - D e p r e s s e d

I feel sick. Still. And I still don't want to talk about it. I haven't said a thing to anyone. So it's driving me crazy. Hence I turn to you, Diary. 'Cause I need to get it out to someone or I'm going to go insane. Or kill myself. The latter actually sounds quite preferable.

Things with Bellatrix are done. For good. She made it clear that when she graduates from Hogwarts, that's it. She's going on to great things and we're never going to see each other again. Never. I don't know what to say, what to do. I thought we were making progress! We were talking - about when we were young, when we were best friends, when it was us against Cissa... The good old days, so to speak. It wasn't like normally. Sure, there were a few jabs but she was different. I thought - I thought... I don't know what I thought. That things were going to actually change? I'm a fool, a silly fool.

She said I was muggle-lover. It was just one thing but it's stuck in my head. Because I'm not, really. I mean I don't think all muggles deserve to die but I was still raised to think that wizards are better than them and just because I have some friends that are muggleborns, it doesn't mean I've completely turned my back on that belief, does it? I don't know, I'm so confused.

And I'm really not in the mood to write. Expect to hear from me again soon though. I have a feeling I'll be writing a lot in the next bit.

As appealing as suicide sounds, I don't think I have the guts for it.

Jamais Pur,

(Now, more than ever, I'm not proud of it.
But now, more than ever, it's been made quite clear.)

[Andromeda Black]

January 12th
Very Late/Early ; Dorm Room

- - S a d

I should be angry, shouldn't I?

I should be pissed beyond belief, I should be storming over to confront her, I should be telling her that if that's how she feels then I feel the same way, I should be telling her that if she doesn't want me as a sister then I don't want her either, I should be moving on in my life, I should be putting her behind me, I should forget about what happened in the woods, I should use it as a lesson, I should remember that things with Bella will always end badly, I should stop calling her Bella because she doesn't want me to and made that clear, I should not care what she wants and call her Bella if I want to, I should not want to call her Bella because that implies a closeness that I should not want, I should be glad that she's made everything so clear so there's no confusion, I should start hanging out with my friends again since they're the ones who care about me, I should stop revering Bella on some pedestal and treat her like the rest of the world, I should take a step forward instead of dwelling in the past, I should get over her because this is ridiculous...

There are so many things that I should do - that I should feel...

But I'm just sad.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 15th
Lunchtime ; The Great Hall

- - D e p r e s s e d

I think people are starting to notice. They ask if I'm okay. I lie. I don't want to tell anybody. That's stupid. It's none of their business. It's my business. And Bellatrix's business. If she even cares. Which she doesn't. She made that clear. We're done. We've been done for a while.

I still think that she was being sincere though. Before the whole "we're done" part. I don't know if that makes me naive of it it makes me an idiot but I honestly believe that it was the genuine Bellatrix that I was seeing. Bella. She said she hadn't wanted to end things with me. She was scared, she was pressured, she was confused. For the first time ever, I actually felt bad for her. I realized that I was the only one that got hurt. She was a victim too.

Makes me want to kill that hat even more for screwing both of our lives up.

But I could just be the fool here. Maybe it was all an act. I want to believe that she telling the truth, that she was actually opening up to me.

I'm so confused.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 15th
Late Night ; Dorm Room

- - L o n e l y

You know what I want to know? I want to know what the procedure for this sort of thing is. What the normal thing to do it. Am I supposed to go get mad at her and yell and start a comotion? Am I supposed to give her the cold shoulder? I've already been over all the "should I?"s but it doesn't mean the answer's become any more obvious. Honestly, I just want to crawl up in bed and hide away from everything. As if I wasn't feeling like the world was screwed up enough before this. Now everything's a mess and there's no fixing it and it's for good.

I'd always secretly thought that it wouldn't last. It couldn't. Bellatrix and I would return to our old ways of being best friends and things would magically be fixed. It's ridiculously naive, I know. But can you blame me?

Now I have to grasp the concept of "forever" and it's a scary one.

I just don't know what to do.

What I should do?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 17th
After Class ; Dorm Room

- - E m b a r r a s s e d

Well, you should be proud of me, Diary. Except that you're a book... But anyways. I actually talked to someone today. Whoop dee doo, I know. But I think it's a good thing. I've been so introverted lately and it's really taking a toll on me. Anyways, the lucky person to converse with me today was a certain James Potter. I wouldn't really say 'lucky' though. He found me crying in the stairwell. Eep, I know. Poor guy. I would have felt bad almost for him - and I did a bit - but I was just so confused and messed up and... Yeah. But I'm thinking I should probably back up a little bit here.

So Defense Against the Dark Arts (which I will from now on refer to as DADA) is officially my least favorite subject. And it's really not that hard to figure out why. I mean "Defense Against the Dark Arts." What exactly does that bring to mind? Maybe um, Dark wizards? AKA THE DARK LORD. Who I am absolutely certainly my sister plans on scurrying off to once the year is over and she's done with school. I mean, she pretty much told me as much in the woods. And now after that confession I'm supposed to sit in a class and learn how to fight against the Dark Arts. AKA BELLATRIX. Actually I'm doing so poorly they want me to take extra classes learning these awesome fighting skills. To be used against my own sister!

This is too much.

Anyways, I stormed out of class because I refuse to participate in that anymore. I don't care if I fail and get a freaking T. So what? I'm not sitting there and listening to that. It's not like I'm in the best state of mind already and that's certainly not helping. So I left the class, somehow ended up in tears in the stairs. Which is where James comes in. Obviously, he asked me what was wrong. That's to be expected.

What's not to be expected however... I told him everything. Well not exactly everything but... pretty much. I told him about the extra classes and not wanting to participate in DADA because of everything with Bellatrix and all the rumors and how I thought I had a chance but I screwed things up... I can't believe it. I am utterly humiliated. I mean sure, he handled it well, really. But this is James Potter. It's not like I'm crushing on him or anything but there's definitely some attraction going on here. I mean, he's like one of the hottest guys in the school. And screw the fact that he's Sirius's best friend, that normally just gives me an excuse to hang out around him. I mean, there's no rules against liking cousin's friends is there? Hm? No, thank you very much.

But you can see why this makes it completely embarrassing? I mean he was really nice and sweet about everything. But what does this all say about me in the first place? I vow not to tell anyone and them spill to the first person who asks what's wrong?

I am so pathetic.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 18th
Early Morning ; Dorm Room

- - O p t i m i s t i c

I think I like mornings. They're pretty. At least this morning is a nice one. Really nice, considering the season and all. I actually feel pretty good for the first time in a while. I think I might go outside, see if I can have a nice morning and enjoy the pretty weather. I'm looking out the window now from the dormitory and it looks kinda warm and a bit breezy and just generally nice. So I think that I will go out.

Yeah, I will.

Well then... I'm off now, I guess. For a nice little walk. Not sure where but I'm sure I'll just stroll around a little bit. Maybe head over to the courtyard or the pitch. Somewhere that won't be super crowded. So... The pitch it is!

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 18th
Late Morning ; Dorm Room

- - E m b a r r a s s e d

So. That was not so great after all. I mean, the weather really was pretty nice. I went out to the pitch and it was nice and no one else was there so I climbed up on to the rails at the top of the stands. It was so nice and breezy and I just felt so free for the first time in a while. Everything seemed to be not so bad and I could finally sort of forget about that. So that was really nice but then, well-

Some idiot decided to yell out hello to me and surprise me from behind, causing me to nearly fall off and kill myself. Uh huh. Except, it wasn't just "some idiot" - it was Ted! Ted Tonks. Yep. So after, you know, just managing not to fall off the top of the stands after his oh-so-funny greeting, I came down and we talked for a bit and it felt really nice again. I mean, I thought maybe I was getting over everything, getting back to normal. I liked that idea.

But then, well, I don't even know what happened really. But I was just thinking about how, I mean... we're friends, right? Not all that close but we're still friends and like, I dunno, I can't help but wonder about being more than friends. But that's stupid because then it would just ruin the little friendship that we have, right? Oh I don't know. But I have a habit of dating friends, don't I? Like Noah, for example. And I mean, things with him are still okay but... oh, I don't know. It's not as if Ted sees me as anything more than your average friend so I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about this. But anyways, we're just talking and suddenly I started rambling and then just not knowing what to say and I guess I haven't talked to many people for long conversations in a while and oh, I don't know.

But I think I'll stick with that excuse. There's no way it had anything to do with me possibly liking him. Not at all. The end result, anyhow - the one thing that matters and the thing that he'll remember - was that I ended up stammering over my words and running away leaving because I was just making a fool of myself.

I am such an idiot.

So yeah, the time outside didn't help much, did it?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 19th
Afternoon ; Dorm Room

- - F r u s t r a t e d

So. I tried to get some studying done today but to no avail. I don't know what's happening, I mean I'm usually so good in school! It's like, my one claim to fame when it comes to the family. I may not be a Slytherin, but at least that's 'cause I'm smart. But apparently, I can't even claim that any more. UGH. I'm doing horrible in all my classes and it's just... really not going so well, I suppose. But I went to library to try and study and see if I could get this stuff into my head so that when the next test comes around, I might actually be able to up my marks.

But honestly, it's just so boring there. I tried, I really did. But I just wasn't taking anything in so... Yeah. Kara was there. So I figured that my time would be much better spent going to talk with her then trying (and failing) to study. And it was.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 21st
Afternoon ; Last Class

- - A m u s e d

Alright. So you know how Ludo's done some crazy things before? Mhmm, well, apparently now he's passing notes with some girl who's identity is a complete mystery to him. Sounds weird but kinda cool, right? Luckily enough, my story just gets better. He likes her. Or at least, he thinks he does. He's afraid that she's actually ugly, as horribly shallow (and hilariously Ludo) that sounds. Oh wait, and I forgot. That's not even the best part. Since they don't know who they each are, they use code names. And his?

SWEET CHEEKS.

My god, I laughed out loud at that one. The professor shot me a glare but I don't care. See, we were passing notes when this all came up. As usual, he needed my help. Since he's trying to figure out her identity. Soooo we compiled this big list, narrowed it down to like three girls. Who were they again? Aceline, that new girl Virginia and... Khai, was it? Apparently she writes in green ink so we were thinking it could be a Slytherin. Or Virginia 'cause she's knew and seems to have to personality to go with "Mystery Girl" - alias: Hot Lips.

And then somehow, as always, the conversation veered towards my problems. I dunno, he sensed something was up or I aluded to it or something but he said he was willing to listen and give advice and I have to admit, he was really good to talk to. Er, write to... Whatever. He said something though, about that if I've gone so long without being the stereotypical Black, being how they want me to be, then it's probably not going to happen.

I don't know if I agree with that. Or what to say.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 22nd
Morning ; In Class

- - P l e a s e d

Talked to Ana in class today. It's starting to seem like class just isn't interesting enough for me to be able to get through it without passing notes. Actually, I think that's exactly the case. Ha ha. But anyways, she was just asking if I was okay or whatever. So um, yeah. If I was wondering if anyone else was noticing that I've been a bit... preoccupied? Or, you know, not myself? Strange? Any of those work really. But the answer's yes. Yes, people have noticed, at least. Ana has, anyways.

I told her that it was okay, I didn't really want to talk about anything. But oh! She said that apparently Steven likes me. As in Steven Holden. That guy I met the other day after Quidditch. He seemed nice and all and kinda cute but I don't know him that well. And I think he's one of Ted's friends. But no matter. Apparently some third year Hufflepuff chick likes him. Or loves him or something. Although realistically, any crush seems like "love" when you're thirteen. What was her name though? Oh yeah, Emma. Emma Stone, I think. Mhmm, that was it.

But then me and Ana just chatted a bit about clothes and shoes and Merlin, it was good to talk about such silly things again. I've missed being a bit shallow, as funny as that might sound. But we made plans to go out shopping sometime (in a week or two) so that'll be a fun little excursion (:

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 25th
Evening ; Common Room

- - B l a n k

I think I just agreed to go on a date with Steven...

Yeah, I'm freaking out too, don't worry. Not that you're freaking out. I mean Merlin, for the zillionith time, you're a book. Why can't I remember that? Bah. So not important right now. Because I don't know if I made myself clear. I just agreed to go on a date. Sure, I think Steven's cute and he seems nice but... but... A DATE. I don't care how social I've started to become lately or how much it's seemed like I'm finally slipping back into my old life. Nothing has been fixed and sooner or later everything is gonna get all fucked up again. And I know one date is a perfectly innocent little thing but... I don't know what to do. I'm just getting back in the swing of everything, this is too much.

You're probably wondering (or would be, if you weren't a book) why I agreed then. I'm a little bit stumped myself. But he seemed really sweet and everything and I didn't want to seem rude or mean or like some horrible bitch. And I guess I figured it was a good sign because it meant that other people were starting to perceive me as normal again too. And that it was just one date and if it was too uncomfortable, that could be it. I mean, there's no strings attached to one date. I'm not agreeing to be his girlfriend. It'll be nice to go on a date again, show everyone that I'm normal, and then that can be it if I want it to be.

... Bah, I do sound like a horrible bitch, don't I?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 27th
Evening ; Common Room

- - G u i l t y

Some younger girl passed me a note today wanting help with some homework question. Then we got to talking a bit. She seemed to have... heard of me? If that makes sense. But apparently it was all interesting? I dunno, she seemed kind of weird. Said that she knew lots of people who would like to be me. Ha. They obviously don't know me that well. No, I guess that's harsh but, well, I'm really not that interesting and lately I've been even worsely so. Is worsely a word? I don't think so. But who cares, it's not like anyone else is reading this.

Oh yeah, another weird thing about the girl. She was being all anonymous at first but then she said that her name was Emma Stone. Which sounds reeeeeally familiar. I swear Ana was saying something about her the other -

Shit!

Emma Stone! That's the girl who's like in love with Steven or something. Oh fuck. Well at least now the whole "people wanting to be me" thing makes sense now. But still, shit shit shit. At least I didn't say anything but... Is it weird for me to really guilty right now? I mean, I know I didn't do anything wrong but... still. I just feel bad. 'Cause if she really likes him like more than I do then... Gah, I don't know where this going. But I do feel guilty kinda about the date now...

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 28th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - T h o u g h t f u l

So nothing excited has happened or anything but I've just been thinking a lot lately. Like more than usual. About Bellatrix and what she said about "sides" and everything and... I mean, she was right. I do have to pick. I mean, I know she didn't say that, she just thinks that I did pick but sill, it's true. Because pretty soon it's gonna be too late. And I can't say I agree with her about everything - or agree with "her side" or whatever - but I also know I'm not ready to completely sever everything. With her. With everyone in my family. I mean, my friends are important and everything but I can't just give everything up finally... Right?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

January 29th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - N e r v o u s

I -

I think I know what I have to I'm going to do.

I've been thinking it over and it just... longterm... I wouldn't say that it makes sense but... If it's my last option I have to take it.

Oh, I'm not in the mood to explain it all in writing after it's the only thing I've been thinking of for days. I just hope that Regulus will be willing to lend a helping hand.

Jamais Pur,