Jamais Pur

[Andromeda Black]

January 30th
Afternoon ; Classroom

- - R e l i e v e d

Well, I did it.

I passed a note to Reg today, asking him about... joining. Yeah. He was surprised, to say the least. He assumed that I was just doing this for Bellatrix, to try and win her back. But I told him I wasn't and that's true. I guess. I don't know. It's just all so confusing and I know that I probably should have figured things out a bit more before asking but things aren't going to get any simpler and I just need to actually do something and... Oh I dunno.

I mean, this is good. This is what I want. I want my big sister back. I want to prove myself my her. I want to pick a side instead of being stuck in between for the rest of my life. I want to finally belong to something. I want things back to normal. I want my parents to be proud of me. I want to be the girl that I was raised to be.

And joining with Regulus and his gang? That accomplishes all of the above. So I am happy. I am. This is going to be so good to me. And yet I still feel nervous. Of course I've had second thoughts, of course I've wondered if just maybe I made the wrong choice, picked the wrong side... But anyone would have thoughts like that. It's only natural. And I mean, I don't care if Regulus thinks I'm just doing this for Bellatrix. I'm not going to deny that she factors into it but there are so many more reasons. He can be as skeptical as he wants but... I don't care.

Besides.

He said yes.

And that's all that matters in the scheme of things.

Jamais Pur,

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[Andromeda Black]

February 2nd
Morning ; Classroom

- - A n n o y e d

Okay so, this is is ridiculous. The whole point of making a decision was so that I could just do something and be done with it. I didn't expect things to be easy but I figured that at least, since the choice was made, I would stop worrying about it because I'd already chosen so there would be nothing I could do, right? Wrong. I still can't get it off my mind. Now I've chosen but I keep obsessing about whether or not I made the right choice. It's driving me crazy. I've stopped talking to people again, just because it's too distracting. I just can't think about anything else and I mean - this is big, like really big. Obviously. But I have to wait until Reg's little meeting or whatever. For the 'Avid Frog-Lovers Society'. Except I think he's only calling Bella and Cissa. Yippee. But no, this is what I want. And they need to find out. I mean, they'll be mad and, yeah, I am a bit scared and like really nervous but... It'll happen and then what? Will things be better? Worse? I'm really hoping for the former. But it's just really confusing and I can't stop thinking about my friends and how this is going to change things, I mean will they find out or what? They're bound to catch on that something's up, right? Oh I dunno. I haven't a clue about anything really, this is all just complicated and confusing and that just makes it even harder to think about anything else. I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record, huh? Maybe it's a good thing I'm not talking to people as much. But no, I mean, I miss - No, I don't know, this is best. I just, I thought this would make things better but now there's all this waiting and I mean, I'm impatient about little things. This is killing me. I just wish that none of this mess was happening. Not that I wish I hadn't talked to Reg or made the decision I did because things were still screwed up while I was deciding and - I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying any more. Gah, this is so fucked up.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 5th
Evening ; Common Room

- - S t r e s s e d

This is ridiculous. I'm just so... malfunctioning. My thoughts are all jumbled up and just... bah. See what I mean? I can't even form a coherent sentence. Stupid stupid stupid. Anyways. I bumped into Amos today. Or actually, he bumped into me. Literally.

I was out in the courtyard, just kind of walking around and trying to distract myself because lately I just can't stop thinking about what I said to Reg and what he said and what's going to happen and what I decided and... No! No getting off track! I've gone over that enough! ANYWAYS! Amos. Right. I dunno. He bumped into me, he was reading or something, and I fell over like the weakling I am and then he helped me up and we sat down and... Okay I don't really need to do a play by play here.

We talked a bit then. It was sort of awkward 'cause part of me just wanted to be alone again and the other part was pretty desperate for a distraction aka conversation with Amos. He seemed to sense something was up with me but then something was up with him too so I suggested a secret for a secret sort of thing. And then I just... Well, I...

I opened the floodgates. I just started talking about the whole screwed up "sides" issue. And how it all started when I ran into Bellatrix and now I'm so confused but I made my decision and I just can't stop thinking about that. Yeah, I definitely said too much. I'm such a flake. I can't believe that I just spilled all that as soon as I was sitting down with someone willing to listen. ARGH. Rehashing this all out certainly isn't making me feel any better.

But oh yeah, his secret. Or problem. Whatever. Apparently he likes this girl but she's kinda controlling and doesn't really want a relationship but he still likes her and everything and can't stay away, etc etc etc. She sounds like a bitch, actually. Especially cause now she has a boyfriend or something and Amos is trying to figure things out and what happened and everything and just... Poor guy. I feel bad for him, actually. Hm. Maybe I'll go think about that and how much that sucks for him instead of obsessing over my own problems. Doubt it'll work but it's worth a shot, right?

Don't answer that.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 6th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - S h o c k e d

So guess what I found out today?

Johnny Myers is gay.

Never saw that one coming.



That's all.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 7th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - C o n f u s e d

Sooooo.

Talked to Johnny today. Well we just passed a bunch of notes in class but that still counts. He started the conversation, not me. Not that I wouldn't have or anything just... that's what happened? Gah, I'm not making sense. But yeah, he just passed me a note and asked if I was mad at him. And then said he was sorry. Um... okay? I'm not mad at him. And I told him that. He seemed pretty relieved actually, which is silly. It would be stupid for me to be mad at him. Then again, not everyone seems to have reacted that well to the news so I guess I get his caution or whatever.

It was really nice talking to him though, catching up. Things have been really tough on him. And then well... I said the stupidest thing. I asked him how long. Which is like really ambiguous I guess because he didn't seem to get it and then I tried to explain myself and just... Merlin, I felt like an idiot. But I mean I had to ask. Like if suddenly he's gay and like did he just realize or has he felt that way for a while or... I mean I don't know how it works. But like, when we were dating...

He caught on though and I mean, he said he was sorry he hadn't realized sooner but I think that's silly. I mean, I still enjoyed... us. And he said he did too. And we're still good friends and that's what matters. It was great to talk to him, actually. For once my mind was actually not focused on all my problems, although I'll admit we did sort of touch on them - he asked what I'd been up to, I said nothing much, crossed a ton of stuff out, he said he figured there was more than what I was saying but that he wasn't going to prod. Merlin, I love Johnny.

Except then we started talking about Jenna and he seems to think that I'd get along really well with her and that we should all hang out or something? Yeah. That wouldn't be awkward at all. I mean I know he's gay and everything but um, he's still my ex-boyfriend and well, I guess he's her ex-boyfriend too now but she's like the closest thing he has to a girlfriend so... Maybe I'm just reading too deeply into this. Or maybe I know myself well enough to know that I will most likely end up feeling jealous in some paranoid way or another. Whatever. We had a nice chat and that was that. And we agreed to hang out sometime. I'm hoping that's not including Jenna.

Wow, someone sounds like a bitch. And look at that, me again.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 9th
Afternoon ; Common Room

- - J u b i l a n t

OHMYGOSH.

[[ The rest is pending until certain details are worked out ]]

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 11th
Afternoon ; Dorm Room

- - B o u n c y

[[ Reserved ]]

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 12th
Afternoon ; Outside

- - C h e e r f u l

Ooh la la well aren't I in a happy mood for once? Yes, I certainly do think I am. And I owe it all to none other than a certain miss Anabelle Zarrin. Have I mentioned how much I absofreakinglutely adore that girl? Well I do. We went on our little shopping trip today. You know, shoe shopping around, just some nice, relaxing girl time. Because Merlin, did I ever need some girl time.

Of course shoe shopping quickly turned into me helping Ana find a dress and a date for the ball as well but that seems to be covered now. Phew. And I got myself an adorable pair of strappy black heels that will look just divine with my purple dress. You know the flowy one with the purple bow? I'm thinking I'll do my hair in my bun, and I found these little flower clips

Whoa. Stop right there. Flower clips? I'm seriously talking about flower clips? And did I just use the word divine? Aha, I feel so shallow but I love it, I really do. It's crazy how even though all of this stuff is going on and I'm trading that in, I still feel so good about it. Besides, who knows. Maybe some way I'll get to have both. Family and friends. Everyone else seems to manage it, right?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 14th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - E x c i t e d

I just had the weirdest conversation with Danni Valo.

And I couldn't care less!

No sirree, that's how happy I am. It's the ball! And I'm all dressed up and if I do say so myself, looking gorgeous. So no, I don't give a whit who 'Carrottop' is or why Drake now owes her a favor. Danni is so far from being on my lists of concerns right now. My stomach is one ginormous pile of fluttering butterflies and yet... It's okay. Because in just a few minutes, I'll be downstairs in the Great Hall and it's gonna look beautiful and Drake will be there and we'll have a fabulous time at the dance. For once, everyone else be damned. Everyone. Tonight is about myself for once. And Drake. The two of us. And honestly, diary?

I can't even begin to stop smiling like an idiot.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 14th
Late late late ; Dorm Room

- - E s t a t i c

Wow. Wow. Wow. Just... Oh my gosh!

I just had the best night ever. Ever!

Drake looked amazing all dressed up - I suppose I should mention that everyone looked pretty nice but who cares about them? We had the greatest time, just dancing and talking with people. But mainly with each other. Because that's who tonight was about. Us. I can't believe it. I honestly can't. Just when everything was falling apart... for something like this to happen. It's unbelievable. This is exactly what I needed. Someone. Drake.

I can't even being to describe how happy I am, diary. I honestly, I just... I can't.

And oh yeah! We even won the Valentine's Duke & Duchess awards! I had no idea that so many people knew already but I guess news travels fast and just... wow. As if the night wasn't amazing enough as it is, right? But seriously. Tonight was just... amazing. I don't care if I'm being repetitive. Really, that doesn't even being to sum it up. Indescribable? Yes, I like the sound of that much better.

Tonight was indescribable.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 27th
Morning ; Dorm Room

- - S c a r e d

Oh gosh. Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh.

Regulus pulled me aside after breakfast in the hall. I'm supposed to meet him down in the dungeons this afternoon. Bella and Cissa are gonna be there. He's gonna tell me. About me. Joining.

Oh Merlin.

No. I'm not getting cold feet. I still want this. I just... With Drake... Maybe this isn't the right thing to do. No, I need this. This is the smart move. I'm doing the right thing. And... Whatever they have to say? I can deal with it. I know Cissa will be pissed. Bella probably will too but I'm hoping that she won't be as mad. That maybe she'll even be happy? No. I'm not getting my hopes up. But... No. No buts. In just a few hours, I'm going to march down to the dungeons and Regulus will be there and then Bella and Cissa will be there and he's going to tell them and I'm going to explain and-

Oh shit. I have to explain. What if I need to like... make a speech? Plead my case and all. I should probably think of a few things to say. Ummmm.

Nevermind, I'll get to that after this. But I'm done here, really. I'm going. I'm really going do this. Nothing more to report.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

February 27th
Afternoon ; Dorm Room

- - R e l a x e d

Just got back. And... wow.

I can't believe it. It went semi-well?

Cissa was pissed. But who didn't see that one coming? Anyways, I managed to spout off a bunch of stuff about how much I want this and how I'm a Black and this is right for me... I barely remember. That's not the important part. The important part is what Bella said. She's gonna give me a chance. I'm sorry, was that not clear enough?

She's giving me a chance.

To prove myself, to redeem myself...

Oh I know I didn't want to get my hopes but I can't help myself. I just can't believe it. I actually might have a shot after all. Of getting her back. Of fixing things, fixing everything. Wow.

I thought I would be so stressed out when I got back but I'm not. For once, I'm not worrying about everyone else and what's going to happen. I'm just... I'm fine. This is all going good.

I still can't believe it.

This is really happening.

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

March 2nd
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - W o r r i e d

I still haven't told Drake.

I should tell him.

Right?

I mean... he deserves to know that his girlfriend has joined up with the local group of Dark-Arts-worshippers, right? Of course he does. So it should be simple. Except... what am I supposed to say? How can I justify it to him? How am I even justifying it to myself, again? I can't. I don't know. I mean... we've been dating for what - almost a month now? And things are good. Really good. I don't want to mess that up. I can just be happy when I'm with him. I can forget about all the other stuff - well, as much as I ever can. I need that. I need him. It scares me to think that way because I mean... then what? What if things do go terribly wrong and I don't have him anymore? If I don't have the person that I need?

Then what?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

March 7th
Evening ; Dorm Room

- - A n x i o u s

Still haven't told him.

Merlin, I'm a coward.

No.

This is different. This is huge. I can't just dump it into regular conversation. "Oh, that really is a funny joke. And by the way, I'm signed up to eventually become a Death Eater! Now sorry, what were you saying, again?" Gah! I can't just slip it in, I have to find the right time. Yes, that's all that this is. I am going to tell him. I just need to wait for the right time.

And if it doesn't come up for a while?

Well... that's not my fault, is it?

Jamais Pur,

[Andromeda Black]

March 11th
Afternoon ; Dorm Room

- - T o u c h e d

Just when I thought I was nearing rock bottom...

Oh ha! Nearing? Really? I was crying my eyes out all alone by the lake when I was supposed to be in class. If that's not rock bottom... Well I sure hope that it is because I can't imagine much worse! Seriously though, I need to work on stopping the tears. I cry way too much. I mean, I just start thinking about how much of a mess this is and how things are going so good with family and friends but any day now, I'm going to lose one of those those friends quite possibly and... Why can't I just have both? No, I'm not getting into that but... you see? I just start thinking about that stuff and I get overwhelmed and then voila, there come the tears.

...And then, naturally, there comes someone else. Great, isn't it? Because obviously, I want everyone to see me looking like such a mess? Yeah, normally I'd have been annoyed but, see, it wasn't just anyone. It was Peter. And okay well, I'm not exactly sure when Peter Pettigrew became "not just anyone" (actually I guess that would be ever since I last ran into him) but that's not important. He was just... Oh, he was so nice. It was humiliating really, I just spilled everything to him. Apparently I have trouble with keeping my mouth shut around around except Drake. Well, around Peter, anyways. But it's a good thing that he did because I mean, he gave me advice and just... It was so sweet. Merlin, I love that guy.

[[ More pending upon completion of thread ]]

And I know it probably looks bad that I told everything to some, okay, not-so-random, guy when I haven't told my boyfriend like anything but...

Okay, I'll have to get back to you when I come up with an excuse for that one.

Jamais Pur,