Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Andromeda Black on Sept 8, 2009 20:48:54 GMT -5
April 10th
Morning ; Dorm Room
- - O p t i m i s t i c
And guess who's hair has been Glamoured to absolutely straightened perfection? Yes, it looks gorgeous. I'm honestly so, so so excited. I mean, I know I'm just hanging out with a friend but... Well, really there's nothing "just" about that, is there? It's not as if I've been hanging out with so many friends lately, now have I? Exactly. I have every reason to be excited. Plus it's Johnny! I mean yes, we're just friends, duh. He's gay and I have a boyfriend. But we're still great friends and that's exactly what I need right now - great friends.
So! I should probably get going. I'll do one more check-over in the mirror to make sure I'm still looking super cute - grey suede boots, dark jeans, emerald sweater. And that thin, grey jacket that cinches around the waist to keep warm. Stunning, right? Haha, in any case, I haven't put this much effort into an outfit so... that's just how excited I am about this.
So here's to an amazing afternoon in Hogsmeade with Johnny!
Jamais Pur,
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Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
|
Post by Andromeda Black on Sept 8, 2009 21:57:44 GMT -5
April 15th
Evening ; Dorm Room
- - C r u s h e d
Alright. This isn't going to get any better if I keep dancing around the subject. So here goes nothing. I ran into Bella while I was waiting for Johnny. And things were going good and I invited her to join us. I'm an idiot. I thought- I don't know what I thought. That things would magically go great? That I could actually keep both my sister and my friends? Something along those pathetically hopeful lines. But it backfired. Fuck, did it ever backfire. Johnny went to go get us drinks and... Bella.. She gave me an ultimatum. I had to sever all ties with Johnny, I had to ruin our friendship, ruin him, ruin everything between us... Or she was gone. For good. What was I supposed to say? I know most people would probably think I should be loyal to my friend and I don't know, maybe that is the "right" move. But she's my sister. She's Bellatrix. She's the one person that I would do anything for. The one person that I can't stand the thought of losing for good. The one person that I'm practically throwing everything away for just so I don't lose her. So I know that in theory, it looks as if I had this really difficult choice. But what with all that I just said?
I didn't really have a choice at all.
I just... I don't even know how I got started. I just snapped at Johnny about... us and said these horrible things about how he'd obviously just been fooling with me and I don't even believe that at all, I mean, I don't care if he's gay, I was happy when we were dating and I honestly believe that he was too and it was good and I don't care about afterward. But I just snapped and I said all this horrible stuff, I don't know where it came from, I was desperate. I couldn't lose my sister, not when things were finally looking up. Not when I finally have a chance with her. So instead I said all this stuff to Johnny... I- I called him...
I called him a f*g**t.
And a mudblood but I mean really, it's the other one that matters. A f*g**t. I called Johnny a f*g**t. I can't believe it. I've never even said that word before, I just... I was desperate. I needed him to hate me. And I could tell that he did. It was obviously, the way he flinched, the way he... I hurt him. And it hurt so much. I deserved it, I know, but it doesn't change the fact that every time I hurt him, I was only hurting myself.
Because I wasn't even done there. I said this stuff about no one wanting him, about his family not wanting him, about him just being a jerk for messing around with Jenna... I mean, I know it's not like that, I don't think. But it felt almost... good to say it. To bring up Jenna, to lash out about that. I'm not saying that I enjoyed calling him... you know. Or any of that. But the part about Jenna? I don't know. It was messed up. I just... I don't know. And then Johnny... Oh god, Johnny. He was crying. I made Johnny cry. Fuck, I can't believe I was able to write that. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I... I can't believe it.
And then he left.
And then Bella called me Meda. And said good job or something.
And I was so freaking confused. I'm more than ecstatic that things are good enough between us that she's calling me that. Like when we little. Like when it was Bella and Meda against the world.
But... Johnny. I can't believe I said those things. And now he's gone. And now he hates me. And now I'm never going to see him again and now...
And now I can't hold the tears back at all and just...
Johnny.
Jamais Pur,
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Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
|
Post by Andromeda Black on Oct 5, 2009 20:22:05 GMT -5
April 19th
Afternoon ; Dorm Room
- - S t r e s s e d
It only took me nine days but... I apologized.
... Just not to Johnny.
To Bella. The other Bella. Best friend Bella? Yeah. I mean, I know she's also good friends with Johnny and probably wondering what the hell is going on and so... I told her everything. Wrote this huuuge note explaining absolutely everything that's been going on with me picking sides and with Bella (sister Bella) and what happened with Johnny and I mean... I don't know. She wasn't all that pleased. Not that she should be. I mean for all she knows, it could have been her. Could still be her. But she forgave. And that's what matters. Even if things feel a bit weird.
And on another one... Regulus was right. About the sister thing. Bella has a sister. And a dad. Who's alive. But a bit of a jerk? I don't know. Here, I'll tape in her note explaining it, probably good to hang on to:
I don’t know, Annie. I thought I wanted to know. But my whole family is screwed over. My mother really is just this trashy whore, my father cheated on his wife, he left my mom that night, she showed up when she found out she was pregnant…his wife? Her name’s Carla. When she found out, she left him. With Verge. My sister. I have one. They only came back here because of him. And then…I don’t know. It’s just messed up. All of it. Royally messed up. I found answers, sure, but it’s raised more then I ever had and they definitely aren’t the ones I wanted to hear.
Guess I'm not the only one with family issues.
I think we can both at least agree on one thing: sisters sure complicate life.
Jamais Pur,
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Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
|
Post by Andromeda Black on Oct 10, 2009 12:18:35 GMT -5
April 21st
Afternoon ; Common Room
- - G o o d
Guess who was feeling not-so-down-in-the-dumps today? Yours truly, that's right. I mean, life still sucks but I passed notes with Marilyn in Divination today and she was all sweet and whatnot, kinda cheered me up. I mean, as much as I'm sick of being asked what's wrong, for some reason it didn't bother me today? I don't know, she's just a really nice girl and I guess I still miss my social days, no matter how much I've moved forward. But! It really doesn't matter. So I chatted with some girl? Doesn't change anything. So I'm feeling minutely more cheerful? Doesn't change anything. So I was able to joke around and be social-ish?
...You get the drift.
Jamais Pur,
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Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
|
Post by Andromeda Black on Oct 10, 2009 12:28:36 GMT -5
April 24th
Evening ; Dorm Room
- - I r r i t a t e d
Reasons Why I'm the Crappiest Friend Ever
1. Secretly, I've joined up with the little Dark arts cult of Hogwarts and haven't told any of you (except for Bella).
2. My older sister is the most important person in my life and you will all always come second, third, whatever. Yes, always.
3. Therefore, if she decides we shouldn't be friends anymore? Finite.
4. Yes, that's right. Inevitably, I'm going to screw you over.
5. Big time.
6. The only thing I seem able to focus on is how much my own life sucks.
7. Lately I've been ridiculously moody.
8. And anti-social.
9. Did I mention that I'm keeping a huge secret from you?
10. Well whatever, whenever you find out, you're gonna hate me.
Jamais Pur,
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Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
|
Post by Andromeda Black on Oct 10, 2009 15:06:53 GMT -5
April 28th
Evening ; Dorm Room
- - C r u s h e d
You know what really sucks? When something absolutely horrible happens (okay, duh, I know, but just let me finish) and then you mope and cry and sob about it and feel like shit for days and days and then you finally start to think that maybe it's okay, well no, there's no way it could ever be okay because it sucks far too much like that and you feel so guilty for being the biggest bitch in the world and for all the things you said and nothing's going to change that but even though nothing's gonna change that, you still start to feel a bit better, or at least, you think that you feel better 'cause you start to talk people again instead of holing yourself up in your dormitory and forgetting about the rest of the world - no! You're stronger than that! You can go out and back into your real life and you can talk to people and you can deal with life and you can face it head-on, even though you made some really crappy decisions and you feel horrible 'cause even though nothing can change that, you still have to move on, you still have to figure out a way to live with the guilt so you don't end up like horribly suicidal because then not only would things really suck but well, you'd be dead. And yeah. That would really suck. So anyway! You go about your life and you start to pick up the pieces and even though you hear the whispers and the rumors 'cause no else has a clue why you did what you did and you said what you said to someone who was supposed to be your friend, your close friend, someone you once-upon-a-time had feelings for, but instead of acting as if all that was true - even though it was and should still be - you were a heartless bitch and treated them horribly and hurt them and no one has a clue why even though you want to scream at them because to you, it's so fucking obvious if they would just open their eyes and see why you're doing this because really, you don't have a choice, do you? No, you don't have a choice and that's exactly what you want to scream at them but see, you can't, because they're not supposed to know. They're not supposed to know the one thing that is supposed to be so fucking obvious and yet somehow, they must all be walking around blind because they don't know, they haven't seen, the just can't see it and... I don't remember where I was going with this. Oh yeah! While everyone is being so fucking blind, you're just sitting there - well standing and walking around too, cause remember, you're living? You're going around and picking up your life, or at least trying to - and you're really thinking that maybe you can just move on and even though hurting him hurt you so so much, so damn much, and no one seems to understand or care about that part, you're still trying to figure out some way to get it off your mind so you're not constantly thinking about it 24/7 and maybe, just maybe it's actually working 'cause you can talk to other people and be social and it almost feels alright again despite the heavy shadows lurking in the back of mind that are on a completely different - sort of - note but then - oh but then!
Well that's when suddenly it all comes crashing back and you realize that no matter how much you try and feel better, it's still horrible and fucked up and you were still the biggest bitch in the world to someone you were so close to and cared about so much as much as it hurt you, it hurt him and that?
That just makes it hurt even more.
Jamais Pur,
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Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
|
Post by Andromeda Black on Oct 10, 2009 16:06:23 GMT -5
May 5th
Evening ; Dorm Room
- - G i d d y
Okay so, I realize that I probably sound like the most bipolar person in the world but ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. I actually had a good day today. And yesterday. And the past few days - week, has it been? I've been so shocked and yet so happy and I just haven't been writing much, I know, but who cares? I'm happy! I mean really! Good days where I actually smiled and I laughed and I stopped thinking about worrying about everything that's wrong and just focused on everything that is so so right.
Drake.
Duh.
We've been hanging out a lot more again these past days, just the two of us and it's amazing. No worrying about Johnny or Bella - either Bella, really - or just... anyone. It's just me and him and I can be relaxed and just like... I don't know, I probably sound ridiculous. But he makes me happy. Nothing else makes me happy right now and yet somehow, he does. When we first starting dating, I felt bad because he didn't know about everything but it was like he was my safe place, the one person I knew I would always be able to depend on. I needed that. And I still do. I need him. Because I can't relax except for when I'm with him, I can't smile and laugh and forget about worries except for when I'm with him, I can't be happy except for when I'm with him.
I just, I... Drake... I need him. I lo
Jamais Pur,
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Andromeda Black
Ravenclaw Student[/b]
Seventh Year
(Second) Chaser
Captain
Head Girl
Slug Club Member[/color]
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
Posts: 1,546
|
Post by Andromeda Black on Oct 10, 2009 22:33:34 GMT -5
May 9th
Evening ; Common Room
- - L o v e d
I think I really do.
I think I love him.
Oh what am I saying? I can't. I don't. I'm lying to him. We used to just be friends. I'm hiding so so much from him. He doesn't have a clue. I haven't told him anything. That should be what I'm focusing on but instead...
Instead, I can only think about the fact that none of that even matters when I'm with him. Instead, I can only think about the fact that he makes me happy when no one else can. Instead, I can only think about the fact that I don't worry when I'm with him, that I feel safe. Instead, I can only think about how that Quidditch practice when it all began and the dance and how it was probably the most amazing and wonderful night of this entire year, of my life.
Instead I think I'm falling in love with him.
And look at that, didn't cross it out. Like really, sorry Gryffs, you're not the only brave ones anymore. Apparently I am capable of growing a spine every now and then. Who knew?
Jamais Pur,
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