Bella's Babble

[bella]

Well. This weekend was our last Hogsmeade trip for the year.

We were attacked.

I don’t even want to talk about it.

[bella]

Okay, okay, okay. I admit it. I haven’t wanted to write anything down because lately I just haven’t had anything to say. Medication is fine. Classes were fine.

GRADUATION IS NOT FINE?

I think I’m still in shell shock. I finished all my exams yesterday. Now I just have free time, basically, to gather up things, say goodbyes. Pick out an outfit?! I’m going to be a mess. I want to cry because I’m happy for Remus, but I also want to cry because I know he isn’t going to be here next year. Same with everyone else. What am I suppose to do without Sirius? Johnny? Ethan? At least I still have Annie. Who knows, maybe she’ll lighten up with all this scary mo jo oh jo stuff if her sisters are gone. I’d like to think we’re past that, but, well…can’t help but wonder, you know? At any rate, I have since realized nearly all my friends are Seventh Years. I. Am going. To be. So. Alone.

Bright side: I’m sure Regulus wouldn’t mind filling up the empty space?

Right. Next year is going to be interesting. I’m not even ready for the graduation ceremony. I think I’ll leave the freaking out of next term for, you know, next term.

[bella]

I’m beginning to think graduating is over rated.

You know, Hogwarts is the only home I’ve ever really known. All my friends are here. I got a new start at life here. For the first time ever I wasn’t a loner anymore. I had friends. A new House family. People that cared about me. People I could care about. So much has happened here. I mean, there are just…it’s everything. I met Remus here. What would have happened if I had never come? Would he end up alone? Someone else? What about me, alone too? I probably owe a lot to that scarf. I met him over a scarf. Ha. My knack for misplacing things actually worked in my favor for once. What about Drew? We’ve been friends forever. I still miss him. Some days. Wonder what he’s up to. How he’s doing. What happened with his mother. What about Annie? I would have never made it through six year so far without her. We’ve done everything together. We tell each other everything. Almost everything. It’s all just…overwhelming, I guess. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do after Hogwarts. I like it here. Where I have a schedule. A planned life. Stability. The things I’ve always envied in other people. The ones who have a real home and a real family, with people to talk to. Here is where I get that. Nowhere else. I’m…on my own after Hogwarts.

I. Can’t. Be. Alone.

[bella]

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever.

[bella]

Let’s agree to just leave the nerves be for now.

Positive outlook: Remus is graduating, so good for him. He’s made it. And, along with all the other graduates and guests, he gets to dress up in his tux and I get to play eye candy for a night. I never miss a chance to get dolled up, mkay? It’s weird, I never used to be like that, at least not so extremely. Now I enjoy it, though. Maybe I just like trying to be extra pretty for the boyfriend, who knows? Whatever the case, I’ve decided to be brave: I’m wearing white. Hopefully I can make it through at least one evening without spilling something. High hopes.

Now, back to the nerves.

Kbrlkjadfbawaksjbsrfobwef.

[bella]

I did it! No spills! Last night was…I don’t even know how to start. I think I cried more than some of the graduates themselves. Silly, right? It was just hard, watching all of my friends, and listening to Professor Dumbledore give his farewell speech, and just…realizing, in another year, that’s going to be me. I’m going to be the one leaving. Hogwarts is the only place I’ve ever really felt at home. I guess my days have always been numbered, but now I’m down to the days until I leave and don’t come back. I’m returning in the fall, sure, but with who? All of my closest friends won’t be here with me anymore. There is Annie, but…touchy subject. I wish I just knew what was up with her. Completely. I appreciate the honesty, but I just can’t shake the feeling there’s more to all this than I know. Comparable to how I felt watching Remus and knowing he wasn’t telling me something, either. We worked out. Obviously. I don’t know if Annie and I can work out, too. Sucks. I’m just getting myself all teary again, ugh. Graduation. It was hard. But still fun. Oh! And I haaave to gush – Rabastan Lestrange, status: official bipolar. He came up to us. It was really weird. He apologized. I didn’t think he knew how. And I kind of maybe hugged him? I didn’t think I knew how to do that either. Khai got all weird and vanished, so naturally he left shortly after. Guy’s on a leash, I swear. I wonder if Khai did that. Spell for an invisible rope? Then again, who am I to judge, moping about how alone I’ll be next year… Maybe I can convince P.D. to let Remus stay, because he’s the one always reminding me to keep on schedule with my medicine. I’ll forget to take something and die without him! Okay, not funny.

[bella]

“Home sweet home.” Ms. Drivels isn’t all that bad, I really shouldn’t be complaining. First night back she made potatoes. Mmm, her cooking isn’t as good as Hogwarts’ house elves, but it definitely isn’t mediocre. It’s kind of neat to be back in my own room. Again, not quite as exciting as the dorm but at least it’s my own space. Small, but my own. I’m doing alright so far. I think I’m going to go into town tomorrow. See if anything’s changed since I’ve been away. Plus, I really need to look for a new journal. This one’s getting dangerously full.

P.S. – Best thing about being back here? Mr. Digby gets to run around. All the time.

[bella]

Ms. Drivels told me today I have my first psycho appointment therapy session tomorrow. I don’t want to go. I don’t need someone fake pretending to act like they care for “how I feel about that.”

I feel like I need to punch someone, that’s what I feel.

[bella]

…my so-called therapist is a kid.

I may or may not have stolen the picture off one of the bulletin board in the waiting room. I wanted proof that I wasn’t making this up, alright? Great, talking to paper again.

HE’S LIKE 20? He can’t be older than that. That makes him three years older than me. Barely. Wow I’m turning 18 in three months, weird. Whatever. Not the point. He’s a kid. I had an extremely hard time taking him seriously. I mean, really? 20. He has to be. I don’t need some high and mighty freshly graduated student telling me how to run my life. This is stupid.

Well. Maybe I do.

[bella]

Dinner was good. Ms. D. made pasta – meat in theirs, sans in mine. Remus came over! I know it’s only been a few days, but gosh…it was refreshing to see him. Admittedly I spent a nice chunk of our time together tonight complaining about Garwood. Harry, as he insists I call him – I left that part out to Remus. He wasn’t very pleased when I let it slip the guy was a bit younger than I thought he’d be. I guess I forgot to mention that earlier, didn’t I? Harry Garwood = psycho whisperer. Probably shouldn’t let him catch me calling him that. Harry Garwood = therapist, to be “politically correct.” He’s nice and everything, but I find it hard to believe it. I mean, he’s paid to sit there and listen to me talk. Or not talk. Actually, today being our first session, it was more like him trying to get me to talk. He says it’s only a matter of time until I begin actually looking forward to meeting with him, but…eh. I was more excited to get through it. It probably would have been worst had I actually known Remus was coming over. I think Ms. Drivels and him have been talking behind my back. I don’t really know, though. It doesn’t really bother me either if they have been. At least she’s cool with him. Likes him. Maybe a little too much, being honest. It was kind of creepy. I mean, not in a super awkward way but I noticed she just seemed a bit less “on it” tonight. I think he makes her feel nervous, ha. I guess I’m just used to the burly shoulders and quiet demeanor. Sucks he had to leave. But I get it. Him and James have been really busy, is what he told me. I can only imagine. Graduates. Geez. Part of me wants to be one too; the other part really appreciates this little room and not having to do my own laundry.

[bella]

Iiiii went shoppiiiiing today! Finally, a normal activity. Granted, I only bought this one shirt for myself, but I knew I wouldn’t be coming back with much. (Should go well with that red coat I’ve got.) I just wanted to get out of the house. Mmm, and I stopped at Bellini’s. They have the best Italian Sodas ever. Definitely one thing I’ve missed about…“home.” It’s weird, now that I’m actually back it’s not so bad. Maybe it’s just because practically everyone I know is in a frenzy of transition. My life is complicated, but at least I have a definite place to come back to every night. I really think Ms. D. has been trying to be less “guardian” and more “friend.” She even gave me a little spending cash today when I was on my way out. Which…is also why I came back home with this ridiculous little dog toy? I know Mr. Digby is a toy himself, but now that he doesn’t have to be stuffed all the time I felt kind of bad for not having anything for him to play with. He liked it at any rate. If he doesn’t think he’s a stuffed animal, then he doesn’t have to be treated like one. He’s like…all the benefits of a real dog without the hassle of keeping them fed / bathed / etc. I figured the least I could do was get him something. That, and I don’t want to wake up and find that all of my shoes have been chewed on.

[bella]

Day #2 with Garwood

He isn’t so bad. I just feel way nervous around him. Which, is unfortunate, because I think he’s taking it the wrong way. I’m not nervous because of him personally, just nervous of…what he does. Talking to someone and knowing their sole purpose is to analyze your every word and move is awkward. I want to pick my words carefully, but I know that’s the exact opposite of what I should be doing. I know he’s just trying to help. But the whole “paid” thing. I guess I find it hard to believe anyone can do anything sincerely when they’re get a paycheck for it. Like I said though, he isn’t so bad. I’m sure he’s a very nice person outside of the office. But I’m never going to be around him outside of the office, so I guess I’ll never know. He at least tries to be personable. But again, that’s his job. He’s really smiley, from what I’ve gathered. And he leans closer in his chair when he’s interested in something. Or acts like he is. I can tell when he thinks he’s getting somewhere with me, because his expression kind of does this weird flicker thing where he looks serious, solemn maybe, but in an excited way, but then he goes right back to Mr. Sociable. I think he may know I know. What sort of a therapist is this guy if we’re both secretly aware that the other one is purposefully hiding things? I don’t have to be honest unless he is.

[bella]

Garwood told me today that one of the best things I could be doing right now is all the stuff that makes me happy. Generally speaking, everyone should try to do that every day. I told him my life doesn’t usually allow me to be very happy. He said it’s not what happens to us, but what we do about what happens to us. I told him he read that off a fortune cookie somewhere. He said the fortune cookie makers stole the phrase from him. I laughed. He smiled. I believed it.

I decided to take my puppy outside today, camera in hand. I’ve always liked taking photos.

This is Mr. Digby, loveable and lifelike:

[bella]

Remus came by tonight. Ms. Drivels always puts in extra effort cooking when she knows he’s coming over, I’m convinced. It’s getting weird. Or maybe I’m just over thinking this? No. It’s definitely getting weird. But you know what, that wasn’t even the craziest part about tonight. I made Remus watch How To Kill A Mockingbird with me tonight after dinner. No, that isn’t the crazy part but I have to explain this first. The acting is so awful in that movie, but I love it anyway. It made me want to reread the book again. But, anyway, so Ms. D. was nice enough to leave us alone for a while. I think she went off to her own room to read. Doesn’t matter. We were alone. Watching this pathetically wonderful movie. I don’t think Remus really quite understands the concept of a movie, or why it’s even entertaining to stare at a box with moving pictures, but he sat with me anyway. He’s the best cuddler. He doesn’t mind that it’s difficult for me to sit still for any real length of time, but that I like being close to him anyway. Move my head, arms, whatever. He just takes it. I’m getting off track. That’s what we were doing, watching the movie, and then out of nowhere, I swear. I don’t know why he decided then was the right time to ask. Not that there is a right time? But he…well, asked if I would like to move in with him. Like, together. As in, leave here. Like, pack up my things. Move out. Move in. With Remus. I’m still in shock, I think. Even though he’s long gone now. I should go to sleep, but I’m too excited.

I said yes.

[bella]

I found a new life with you here,
A life that will burn bright through the years.
I can tell in the way you look, the signals are so clear.
I want a big house in the hills,
but I don't need that life to make me feel
Like I’m part of the crowd who turns their backs to what’s real.

Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day.
I know you know, to me, you’re everything.
Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day
And I feel my life is changing.

I found a piece of what was left,
a mark that runs deep within this chest.
I know in my heart what’s best is here in front of me.
I can just see us in the streets
Beneath all the stars, just you and me.
Together as one we’ll stand, each hand and hand.
You’re all I ever needed.

Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day.
I know you know, to me, you’re everything.
Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day
And I feel my life is changing, and I feel my life is changing.
I can see my life is changing, and I feel my life is changing.

Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day.
I know you know, to me, you’re everything.
Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day
And I feel my life is changing.

Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day.
I know you know, to me, you’re everything.
Whoa, whoa yeah, it’s a good day
And I feel my life is changing.

And I feel my life is changing.
I can see my life is changing.
Yes, I know my life is changing.

_{the good life, amber pacific}