Bella's Babble

[bella]

Dear Reader,

If you do not have permission
to be reading this notebook,
you best make yourself disappear
before I hex you,
c o m p r e n d a y ?

~ the singing badger

p r o f i l e | c h a r a c t e r - l o g | t h r e a d - t r a c k e r | p h o t o s

[bella]

Would you believe me if I told you I’m dying to get back to Hogwarts? I can’t wait to finally arrive! As it stands right now, I’m on the train. You see, these two Ravenclaw’s I’m with – well, they’re just not too talkative, are they? I hate when I have to be silent. One of them is a downright bookworm and the other just doesn’t seem willing to talk. Whatever, I suppose I can’t complain.

Mother was in a right state apparently, according to Ms. Drivels. She’s acting all upset that I’m leaving for another school year – like she really cares. Either way, her health as been failing and for that, I feel almost grateful. She’s played no part in my life unless you count a rather obnoxious burden.

Good Lord, I think we’re almost there! The train is slowing down and I haven’t even changed into my robes yet!

[bella]

It was a awful trying to go through my classes today, I swear it’s the worst Monday ever – History of Magic right off the bat, followed by with Potions and Arithmetic. It’s not that I have anything against the school system, but really…why all three in one day?

However, I was able to get back and start talking with all my friends again, having tracked them all down by now. I ran into Drew in the Common Room, he like usual coming in with his homework that he never does do. I don’t understand that boy. But, what can I say? I love him as much as the next pal of mine, so I gave up harping on him about it after a while.

Our conversation wasn’t all pleasant though – he found me lighting a letter from Ms. Drivels on fire. The stupid old hag of a mother, she made Ms. Drivels write me a letter wishing for me to return to her, she “in her last moment of life.” Six feet under or not, I could care less.

I guess that’s all I have time for, you see, for tomorrow it’s another round of class. Yippe.

[bella]

You’ll never guess who I ran into today – Regulus Black. I think for the first time in my life I had an actual conversation with a Slytherin without yelling at them – sort of. He didn’t really do anything, but we had a disagreement and it ended up with both of us, I’m sure, ready to lash out at other’s throat. Remarkably we both calmed down and somehow we ended up in a discussion about our families.

Sirius was actually kicked out over the summer, can you believe that? I’d heard rumors about it but didn’t really believe them. But Regulus told me about it and apparently Sirius decided to crash at the Potters. That’s no surprise; James and Sirius are pretty much brothers anyways, joined at the hip, that sort of stuff.

In exchange for this information though he asked me for something in return: I told him about mother. I embarrassed myself, crying over someone who I don’t even care for. But – get this – after I told him about that letter Ms. Drivels had sent me, he offered to come with. I don’t know why, I mean, what value is it to him? But…I agreed. We’re going this weekend, I already owled Ms. Drivels. Wish me luck; I’m gunna need it.

[bella]

I can’t believe I let Regulus talk me into seeing that wretched woman! We went and everything went all wrong! She accused me of..of…ugh! What right does she have to tell me it was my fault for leaving? She was the one who gave me up! I didn’t do anything! Just because she got a little frisky with some guy off the streets she had me and what did I get? I life in the orphanage only to be followed by the darn mental ward. She died hating me, like she always has. I’m glad she’s gone – now I can forget about her.

…all the same, along with her death it ended whatever hope I had of finding my father. He’s the reason I’m here and on some level, I almost want to thank him. If I weren’t a witch, who knows where I would have ended up. And I want to know why he left my mother, why he left me. I guess now I’ll never know.

[bella]

I guess I should start with background information: Kalib Hemlock, stupid Slytherin jerk who had it coming to him; Zane Ritchie, innocent bystander who is friends with the jerk; Kole Wulfe, best friend and partner in crime.

I found Kole near Honeydukes and she didn’t look to well, so I offered to buy her a drink. We planned on getting some hot chocolates and have a candy splurge, but while we were looking around the two snakes came in and thought it’d be fun to try and play with us. So, we played back. They took us to the revolting little lovey-dovey shop and we ordered the most expensive drinks we could. I slipped them both one of these weird laughing lollipops we had found, just to see what they did. Both boys went into something of hysterics. Oh my God, it was so worth it. We ditched them in the shop after stealing our drinks. Can you say sweet payback?

Oh, and for the record, Kole’s feeling better.

[bella]

| p h o t o s |

[bella]

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me; the only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go,
nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
we used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I’d see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there’s you, and at least there’s me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way.
I used to listen; you always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out;
we used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I’d see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there’s you, and at least there’s me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me, and I want you to be there
’cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you: it’s empty, and you’re sad
’cause you miss the love that we had.

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around,
the only one around.

We used to have this figured out;
we used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I’d see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there’s you, and at least there’s me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

^{|c| Used To, Daughtry}

[/sup][/blockquote]

Ms. Drivels actually listened to me and owled me this new CD I’ve been wanting. Daughtry is this Muggle artist so I didn’t really have anyone to share it with (but since when is that new?) but you know how I am; I listen to everything. And to be perfectly, some of my favorite artists come from the Muggle world. All the same, Used To is a song off of the CD.

Doesn’t it remind you of Jacob? He was always like that, trying to make me fall in love with him again. I won’t deny that at one point I did love the boy, but with everything that had happened I knew it would never work out. I was young and foolish anyways – I haven’t grown much either.

Would you believe I think I’ve fallen for Drew? Yes, Drew Marino – that boy who would never leave me to my studies. I think deep down I always liked being interrupted and just put on a hard front. I mean, he seems nice enough and there’s no denying how hot he is. Sometime over the summer he grew out of his adorableness and it was replaced with a firm build. But in all honesty, is that not ridiculous? I can’t believe all this time and I was secretly falling for him. And the best part is, he’s been falling too. Sadly exploration in the matter has been remote. Oh well – only time will tell.[/color][/font][/blockquote]

[bella]

Wolf Sketch (1)

I drew that during History of Magic today. I don’t think it’s very good, but this girl sitting by me – sad I don’t know her name by now, isn’t it? – anyways, she told me she loved it. Even more surprising she wants me to draw her something now. Yes, “something.” I asked her for more specifics and she just answered “surprise me” in one of those obnoxious girly tones. But I couldn’t be mad at her, I mean, she liked my drawing. Pathetic but true.

I seem to be able to get my emotions down on paper better then anything else. I mean, between my drawings and my songs, it’s just how it works out. I started wondering what possessed me to draw this particular piece, and the only thing I could come up with is that my sappy side shown through.

The grey wolf would stand for the protector, caring for the smaller white wolf. Naturally I’m pretty sure my subconscious decided I was going to be the white wolf. I just, like, sometimes I wonder… Not so much wonder, more like reflect. After all, I’ve been “abandoned” my entire life for lack of a better word. Both parents left me and my foster family didn’t want me. It sounds like a pity party (and maybe it is) but is it so wrong to feel the need to be wanted? To be loved?

Anyways, I’d better go get on top of my new assignment. I have no idea what will come from it, but that girl wants it by tomorrow. She didn’t believe me when I told her beauty can’t be rushed.

[/blockquote][/font]

[bella]

Wolf Sketch (2)

That’s what I was able to come up with for the girl. Oh, and just so you know, apparently her name is Rachel. Anyways, she fell in love with it and greedily took it from my hands to admire it more closely. I was glad she liked it; that one took some time. I seem fixated on wolves lately though, and I can’t pin point way. Either way, Rachel loved it. It’s somewhere in her book bag now.



Classes were pretty boring today. Nothing worth mentioning. Unless you count this odd…well, I wouldn’t call it “investigation” because that makes me sound like some sort of freak. But Drew had been telling be about some characteristics Professor Cubble’s had and I couldn’t help but notice he was actually right. Is that not the craziest thing you’ve ever heard? I tested it out today and everything Drew had told me was actually correct. Scary.

Anyways, along with Professor Cubble’s I noticed the Care of Magical Creatures professor, Professor Hemlock, she does stuff like Cubbles. Like when you give her a wrong answer, she seems to fidget with the cuffs on her robe. And when you get one right, she pulled her hair back behind her right ear. How silly is that? Just proves you can learn something new every day, wouldn’t you say?

[/blockquote][/font]

[bella]

So after classes today I was just a little bit bored. I couldn’t find anyone – seriously, what happened to everyone? Sadly, the only reason I’ve been able to come up with is that I’ve been kind of a downer lately and no one wants to be around me anymore. I don’t’ really know why, I mean, it’s not like I cared for her or anything. Stupid woman. Still, my mind often strays to her death and what answers died alongside her. Information about my father has disappeared as well, which is the only reason for my sudden turn in behavior. In effect to that though, loneliness has become an issue. That said, I decided to pull out my camera and go take some more pictures. I focused on flowers today; would believe that there’s that much beauty at Hogwarts? Most of those came from around the lake. Anyways, I should probably go get ready for bed – it’s nearly lights out. Night!

[bella]

Sometimes I think about you,
wonder if you’re out there,
somewhere thinking' about me too.
Would you even recognize the woman
that your little girl has grown up to be?
Because I look in the mirror
and all I see are your brown eyes looking' back at me;
they’re the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

I think about how it isn’t fair:
that you weren’t there
to braid my hair like mothers do;
you weren’t around to cheer me on
or help me dress for my high school prom like mother’s do.
Did you think I didn’t need you here,
to hold my hand, to dry my tears?
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Forgiveness is such a simple word
but it’s so hard to do when you’ve been hurt.

^{|c| I Wonder, Kellie Pickler}

[/blockquote]That damn woman, I swear! If she weren’t already dead I would kill her myself! Generally I am not I violent person, but honestly! I know I already wrote about the old hag, but today I over heard someone talking – a pet died or something but that’s insignificant. My whole point is they were so torn and upset their dog or whatever died and I vaguely wondered if I should be feeling like that, about my mother. Instinctively I defended myself, I mean, it is not my fault she gave me up! What should I feel guilty about it? It’s not like I was up in Heaven cheering her on so I could be born. How ludicrous is that? It’s utterly revolting! All I can think about are all the negative things, but can you blame me? It’s been almost a week and I’ve been keeping it all to myself. I’ve been avoiding Regulus at all costs just so he wouldn’t ask about it. I don’t really think he would, but loosing mother has sort of made me paranoid. Like everyone secretly knows that she’s dead and just doesn’t want to ask me about her. I know Regulus wouldn’t tell though; for a Slytherin he’s very decent-hearted. (I’m thankful he showed me even slimy Slytherins can be nice).

But even his sincerity within our friendship isn’t enough to calm me. Along with keeping far away from him, I’ve been locking myself up either a.) in the dorm, b.) in the common room, c.) in the library, or d.) on the far side of the lake where people only ever pass when walking around the water. It’s stupid I should be hiding, I mean, what is it exactly I’m hiding from anyways? Just because I don’t want to talk to people doesn’t mean I have to become some morbid person who has no human contact. I just feel so lonely lately; is that so wrong? I know I have friends, really brilliant friends, but it’s like…like I can’t open up to them like I wish I could have with my parents. With mother dead and my father who knows where, it’s like…well, let’s face it. I have no family. I’m an orphan all over again but this time there isn’t a foster family to take me in. And even them, they gave me away too! Am I really that unlovable? Is that even possible?

Of course, naturally I defended myself on this matter too: “I’m not ‘unlovable’” I tell myself, thinking of all my friends. I mean, me and Kole get along amazing. She’s like a sister, and Annette too. They’re both so sweet. And there’s Drew too – I mean, he certainly doesn’t think I’m ‘unlovable.’ And Cambri! I’ve always called her my little sister, even if we’re not blood-related. I’ve always thought of Hogwarts as my home ever since my first year, but it’s like Hogwarts can’t even fulfill that… ‘I belong here,’ I tell myself, but for how much longer? Year after this and I won’t be a student anymore – what then? I’ll have no family and no home. Orphan. I’m an orphan.

Oh well… Perhaps I’ll write to Ms. Drivels. I’m certain she at least would know something about my father, even if it’s just a name. I need answers. But…I’m scared. I have a fairy tale version of the father I want; what if he turns out to be the bad guy? What if he’s not so fairy tale? But right now, it’s the only thing I can think of… Is it really enough?

[/font][/blockquote][/color]

[bella]

Let’s face the facts here: I am simply not brave enough. I have written and rewritten countless letters to Ms. Drivels, all of which have made it no further then being burnt by my wand and not even remotely close to making it to the Owlery. Every single one of them, they make me sound insane. Like I can’t continuing living until I have a name and face to call father. I doubt Ms. Drivels would even reply. She’d probably just act like she never got my letter and somehow got lost in the mail or some other crackpot excuse. She’s always given me answers to things, but the answers I want now are potentically life changing. If she does reply, it’ll probably be something to the effect of “How about I tell you when you’re a little older, deary? Perhaps after Hogwarts, hmm? Does that sound alright Isabella?” She always talks to me like that – like I’m a little four year old without a clue how to survive in the world. I’m not a baby. As you very well know, I don’t even have anything documenting my existence until my first year at Hogwarts. Come to think of it, I don’t think I even know where my birth certificate is… So you could say I never was one really. This is so messed up.

[bella]

Look! It’s Jacob! Remember that stack of photos I told you about? I found a little section filled with him. I laughed as I was going through all of them – we were so stupid when we were younger. I recall mentioning him when confessing I’ve fallen for Drew, yes? Well, before my Hufflepuff love there was indeed Jacob Black and just looking back on it I had to laugh over and over again. We were like childhood lovers, you know? Your once and only first love? Anyways, I had fun going through the pictures and more fun plastering them in my photo album. I actually think it’s coming along nicely now; very proud of it. Anyways, after I was done with that I took another walk around the lake. That’s actually what I just got back from. I’ve been spending a lot of time there… You wanna know a secret? I think I like going there so much because I like to picture my father when he was younger and, like myself, walking around the lake for comfort. It’s some weird feeling you just get, you know? Of course, it’s entirely possible I’ve let my imagination get the best of me, but it’s a nice thought all the same. I’d like to think my father enjoyed Hogwarts as much as I.

[bella]

Look up, the stars are fading
and I am still here waiting
to see you again;
be with you my friend.

When the moon is gone forever
I hope you're up there somewhere.
I'll see you again;
be with you my friend

Because all the roads,
they lead to where you are.
And all the streetlights,
they shine like they were stars;
that's where you are.

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
and we can do anything,
we can be anything.
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world.
As real as it seems,
you're only in my dreams.

Look out across the water:
faces of lonely daughters,
and mothers who care
but just can't be there.
I swear that I will see you someday;
I have to find a way
to show you I care
even if you're not there.

So I'm following the road
to where you are.
The streetlights,
they will guide me to the stars;
that's where you are.

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
and we can do anything,
we can be anything.
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world.
As real as it seems,
you're only in my dreams.

My heart is empty without you;
sometimes I don't know what to do
and I need you tonight.
I'll fall asleep and it's alright,
close my eyes and I'll be by your side.

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
and we can do anything,
we can be anything.
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world.
As real as it seems,
you're only in my dreams.

^{|c| On Top of the World, Boys Like Girls}