Bella's Babble

[bella]

I saw him today, in the hallway. I didn’t know what to do with myself – it was like once I saw him, I couldn’t look away. I don’t think he noticed, he looked so…determined. It was the strangest thing. It was like he was concentrating so hard…on something, but what I have no idea. And he looked mad almost, frustrated – and worst of all, miserable. How am I supposed to act like nothing ever happened and now he’s suffering all alone! He just needs someone to listen to him, I’m sure of it. He says he doesn’t trust anyone, and that he doesn’t have any friends. I will not allow myself to think he doesn’t trust me nor that he doesn’t have a single friend, because I’m still here. I swore to myself that night I wouldn’t let myself think anything bad about him, because I know he’s just going through a really hard time. But God, if that is how it’s going to feel every time I’m around him from now on I might end up hating thinking those things anyways! It was like I couldn’t remember how to breathe, and my stomach suddenly knotted and dropped ten feet, and a big pile of rocks landed right on my shoulders and I felt clammy and afraid. But he looked so horrible, can you blame me? How can I even live with myself when he’s…like that? And it doesn’t help that he hates me. I shouldn’t have gone after him. But what would we be even if I hadn’t? He would have blown up eventually… Maybe its better we got it over with now, so he wouldn’t have to pretend anymore. But he was not pretending!

[/i] Not friends. I will never get over that, who does he think he is? All of this came out of like a five second passing, and did he even notice I walked by? Does he even care? Would he care even if he had noticed? I wish he had proved me wrong, I really wish he had. And for a while, you know, he had. But deep down, Slytheirns are all the same. Every last one of them. He was no different after all. And it kills me. I can barely even remember what it was like to enjoy his company, now that it’s full of all…this. The betrayal, the hurt – how had I ever been happy around him? When I try to picture his smile, or hear his laugh – I just get this…dead feeling. Like it was all somehow fabricated, like I was just in some long dream and he was the star. And now I’ve woken up, realized it for what is was: a dream. Have I really been lying to myself this entire time? This is just so hard, and I don’t think it’s going to get better. He’s furious with me, with everything. So my final question still remains: why, after everything he’s put me through, do I still miss him?[/color]

[/font][/blockquote]

[bella]

I do like him…

Alright, so I’ve been giving this some thought – like, serious thought and I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. Just working up the nerve to write it down on paper was hard enough (hence the invisible ink). I know it wouldn’t stop anyone from reading this for very long, unless they really are that idiotic, but I figured it might at least slow them down that I would find them with it before they could read this page. I ramble too much. It’s about him. I think somehow I’ve managed to delude myself into thinking I was content with just being his friend. We’ve talked about it before, how we stood in each others eyes on a dating level. It was during that whole Saint Mungos episode, on the bus I think. There was like, this neutral standpoint between us: slight attraction, but we knew it wasn’t anything to explore. It would never work anyways. But being around him so much, and talking about all the stuff we did – it’s more then I’ve ever shared with Drew, which also makes me feel horrible. I don’t know what to do about him, because…well, I haven’t talked to him since the Ball. I’m scared, because I know he’s going to see through me… But what unnerves me the most is that I think he would have noticed sooner. He just sort of gets me that way, and he shouldn’t. I shouldn’t even care about him anymore. I don’t understand any of this. Just being around him now makes me sick to my stomach, but it’s like some stubborn part of me believes we could get pasted that. And I know I shouldn’t try anyways, just because that wouldn’t help him in the slightest. After what that bi stupid Grace did to him, I doubt he’ll ever want female company again. Some life he’s gunna lead. Why does he have to be so immature about all this? He needs to talk to me! Great, now I’m a hypocrite too.

…I’m just not sure why.

[/font][/blockquote]

[bella]

I think I suffer from a masochist disorder. I saw Edgar today. Sort of. Okay, well, I did but he wasn’t exactly in good health. Rabastan Lestrange ring a bell? If you thought of “a murderous Slytherin with anger management issues” then you’re right. Oh God and I’m talking to a diary again. He nearly killed Eddie, I couldn’t believe it. He was plastered in bandages and he looked so small and fragile I was scared to even hug him because it looked like I would break him. And you know, I did hug him. More then hugs. No! I did not kiss him. I kinda sorta sat at the edge of his bed and that kinda sorta morphed into cuddling up against him…and that kinda sorta got us talking about the old us. He really is sweet, you can’t blame me but you know, I’m probably Hogwart’s worst whore. I’m more then friends with so many guys it’s sort of hard strange different awkward to have a boyfriend when I like being playful with all my other guy friends. Can you really blame me? Yes. Hogwarts has cute boys. There is no harm in looking.

[bella]

Odd Thomas – name suits him well. He’s rather creepy to be honest, going on and on about how depressing his life is and how easy it’d be to go and off himself and no one would even care. Twisted much? Whatever, I doubt I’ll ever see him again anyways. I mean, I never really talked to him before and now that I have I’m not sure I want to. There’s probably a reason we never talked, because he’s just so…down. How could anyone want to hang around someone so gloomy? Smiling never hurt anyone – maybe he should try it some time? Wow. I think I’m worried that could easily describe me lately.

In other news: Harper Lawless has gone INSANE. She is dating – ready for this? – Rabastan Lestrange. I don’t know what he told her to think he’s all nice and cutesy, but I mean – seriously?! What was she thinking? She said she has a tentatively planned date with him later and every thing. I’m looking forward to beating his butt when this all goes down the drain. Harper didn’t believe me when I said he’s only in it for the sex (he’s such a whore. Oh wait, wrong term – stud but he is sort of feminine, he’s wears makeup for crying out loud). Whatever, either way he’s really going to wish he hadn’t messed with Harper. What a jerk; he’s just so full of himself. I don’t care if he’s the nastiest Slytherin out there – I will be going after him.

[bella]

I ditched class, can you believe that? I ignored my professor, got called on by my professor, yelled at my professor, ran away from my professor, and then ran right into Drew. I knew it was coming, and I completely know I deserve it, but he told me goodbye. We broke up. I’m single. I went right outside and promptly cried my heart out, and he didn’t come after me like I knew he wouldn’t. I can’t believe this. If I had just told him what was going on, maybe it wouldn’t have ended so badly. I don’t know what to do anymore; I’m loosing everybody. All of them. It’s like I don’t even have a heart anymore – it’s been broken so much that all that’s left is a pile of broken pieces. Life isn’t worth living if you have to live it alone, right? Nothing has gone right for weeks now – when will it all get better? Can it get better? I just want to crawl up into a ball and

We broke up; end of story.

[bella]

________

________

[bella]

Well, I’m a physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I don’t even know how to put today into words that would make sense, let alone be easier enough to write down without soaking the pages. It was raining today, and I didn’t want to stay inside where I had to be around people, so I went outside anyways. I was out there all morning crying. Save the “you’re so lame” comments please. I must have been going into my third or fourth hour when Drew came over. I don’t know if he’d been looking for me or not, he never really did say. But he was there nonetheless. I didn’t believe it at first. And stupid me all I could do was cry harder. He’s never seen me cry before you know, I was sure he’d be appalled by my lack of emotional control. But he…he’s leaving. Forever. From Hogwarts. Gone. He’s leaving tomorrow morning. I don’t know whether I should try and catch him one last time or let him go in peace. Lord knows he’s had enough of me. But…you know what else? I finally told him. I told him I love him. Because it’s true, but I realized it just a little too late. And even if he’s leaving, I will be crushed…who knows? Maybe I’ll go into that “I’m never getting married” phase for a little while it’s probably be a good change. But I’ll survive with a small little ounce of knowledge: he loves me back.

It’s such a big word for being only four letters, it’s a tad ridiculous really. And from what I’ve seen, love isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be anyways but Drew’s managed to change my mind a little on that one. Maybe I’ll never see him again (although he assures me we’ll run in toeach other eventually) but at least he taught me its okay to love. It really isn’t such a bad thing after all.

[bella]

Take a breath
I pull myself together.
Just another step ‘till I reach the door.
You’ll never know the way
It tears me up inside to see you;
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there’re so many things
That I want you to know.
I won’t give up till it’s over.
If it takes you forever I want you to know…

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper;
It’s just skins and bones…
There’s nothing left to take.
No matter what I do
I can’t make you feel better.
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there’re so many things
That I want you to know.
I won’t give up till it’s over.
If it takes you forever I want you to know…

That if you fall, stumble down
I’ll pick you up off the ground.
If you lose faith in you
I’ll give you strength to pull through.
Tell me you won’t give up
‘Cause I’ll be waiting if you fall.
Oh you know I’ll be there for you…

If only I could find the answer
To take it all away…

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there’re so many things
That I want you to know.
I won’t give up till it’s over.
If it takes you forever
I want you to know…
(Oh) I wish I could save you…
I want you to know…
(Oh ohh)…
I wish I could save you (oh)…

^{save you, simple plan}

[bella]

Well, day one and still missing him. Shock, shock. I actually woke up today and thought I’d just dreamed it all – honestly and truly. I got up, happy as ever, got all the way down the stairs, and then I realized the face I wanted to see wasn’t there. I practically broke now right then and there, which I’m sure wouldn’t have surprised anyone at this rate. I think I cry as much as I breathe these days. Just thinking about it makes me sore from all the heaving. Because, you know, I can’t just kind of sob and get over it – no, once the waterworks start I have to create a water fall and then get over it. I’m loosing patience with myself and I have no idea how to fix it.

I’ve ruined so much and I don’t even have the means to start gluing it back together.

[bella]

I can’t take this anymore! It’s hardly been a whole week and I’m falling to pieces. Why did he have to go, seriously? What’s so important about his lousy mother any ways? She never did a thing for him expect perhaps bring him into the world; past that she’s just…so… UGH. I hate it. I miss him. A lot. And I was ditched for some old lady. Who cares if it’s his mom. Mothers are over rated anyways. So are fathers. Family is a waste of time. It’s what fuels all that pureblood crap too; see, I make a good point. If we were all on our own things would be better!

Day four hasn’t gone very good either.

[bella]

Forget this.

I’m going out for a drink.

[bella]

She doesn’t deserve to be
In a place like this, all alone.
She’s underage and so very, very brave.
Her fake ID lent her credibility.
She sits at the bar,
The gents are gunna try so hard.

So the bartender who tends
To pretend that he’s concerned
Says, “Girly, girly, you’re at your best
When you're sober.”
And she slurs, “No, no, just one more.”
And one turns into four.
The fourth drink instinct is taking over
And the gentleman is leading her
Towards the door.

^{fourth drink instinct, ciwwaf}

[bella]

I’m dating Regulus Black.

I. Am dating. Regulus. Black.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! The hangover was completely worth it. And I know its all very fan-girl-obsessed-ish but last night couldn’t have gone any better. Okay, well, yeah, it could have but it went as well as it was going to go. Better then expected? Go ahead and insert whatever word you want in there. Point is I’m finally dating him. I didn’t know I wanted to so badly until it actually happened. Turns out I’m really good at suppressing feelings, because otherwise I would have blown from all the emotions I’ve been keeping locked up. I didn’t even know they were there. Sometimes I guess it can take something as drastic as, ahem, “not being friends” to really throw you for a loop and make you realize what you really value. If I didn’t care about him I wouldn’t have minded him shoving me off like someone unimportant. Fact is I’ve known I was important to him for a long time and now he’s finally admitted it. Who cares if I’m coming off vain? It’s the bloody truth. And guess what? This time it actually doesn’t hurt. I’m not sure how to even relate the evening into text…it was just so… Well, okay, here it goes:

I go to the Three Bromsticks. I’m alone.
Unless you count dumb Clara, Noah’s over 18 waitress girlfriend.
I was about a glass or two in.
Trying to forget about…Drew.
You know, a pity party of one.
I could still see clearly. (Very unacceptable).
Then, lone behold, guess who shows up?
Mr. Regulus Black himself, in the flesh.
I thought I was hallucinating.
He sat down at my table.
Yes, my table.
Because he had no right to sit there.
I didn’t have the strength to tell him to shove off.
Not to mention, secretly I’d been dying to see him.
One drink led to another.
One fight turned into the next.
I’d about had it.
Then…
The Kiss.
I was pretty much dumbstruck.
First we were fighting, and now this?
But I heard myself asking for more.
The pathetic thing is I know it wasn’t the alcohol talking.
So, we left the pub.
But we didn’t go back to school, either.
In fact, I’m the one who suggested we play hooky for the night.
He was more then willing to agree with me.
Regulus Black, all mine for one night.
I was prepared to make the most of it.
And trust me…
I did.
(I found out he’s a very, very excellent kisser…)
Then comes morning, because morning always happens.
There is nothing better then waking up in someone’s arms.
Correction: someone who actually cares about you.
And frankly, I didn’t really want to move.
But he’d assured me this was more then a one night stand.
Could I honestly take the word of a Black?
Well, I did.
And turns out, I can.

[bella]

Harper has finally seen the light! She has officially seen Rabastan Lestrange for what he truly is: several unpleasant words that would be shameful to leave my mouth, that’s what. One starts with a “b” and ends with a “d” – a few of my other favorites include sex glutton, barbaric fool, and charmingly idiotic (those are just some of the nice ones, too). We’ve even set up a plan to ruin his life! Or I wish we had. Honestly we didn’t get very far other then the fact that we both want our chances at showing him girls can punch just a good as any guy can. He’s such a…a…well, he’s definitely something and whatever it is he’s unbearable. He’s become my new stereotype Slytherin. I need someone to take it out on.

Reg (isn’t that cute, Reg?) has officially disbanded my…original opinion of him, to say in the least. It was sort of funny, I don’t think I ever mentioned this, but he asked about Mipsy. Isn’t that weird? I wouldn’t even think he remembered her. Then again, I guess he must have to because she’s the whole reason I ever even talked to him. I’m indebted to my pet; my rat. Wow. Doesn’t that sound stupid? It is sort of true though, I guess. Regardless I’m officially not single again and it feels good. Part of me contemplated the idea of Regulus standing in as Rebound Boy – I mean, it’s so dumb but it hasn’t even been a full week yet. I thought about it though, and rethought about (pretty much exhausted all possibilities of thought processes) and decide he’s far from it. For once things are feeling right. I’m not about to question that kind of security.

On another related but slightly embarrassing note the school has begun to catch word. It’s been one day and people are already talking. I don’t really care; I mean, people are going to think what they will despite whatever else I might say. Anything I would say can only confirm their opinions about our relationships anyways. But I…well, I’ll pose it in a question: how do you go about dating someone – someone you’ve been wanting to date for a really, really long time and are really, really happy you finally are – and not tell a certain other someone – a particularly close someone who knows you amazingly well for only having several brief conversations and super long one previously – that you’re dating this other guy when the entire school is gossiping about it?

Yeah, I have no idea either.

[bella]

I decide I have a growing habit – I went back to Hogsmeade. Not really intentionally though, at least not at first. I had to help Noah with his study habits, because he’s horrible about doing it himself. It was kind of funny because I strictly told myself I was going to be all business and no fun because you just can’t cram information into his head otherwise. After all these years of knowing me and he didn’t even know how nasty I could get with a textbook. Poor guy. But, I’m confident he can pass his test now and that certainly is saying something. He’s really cute funny when he’s trying to think really hard. His face sort of wrinkles up and he frowns a lot. He got most of my random review questions right though, once I charmed this long legged beauty out of the library. He is such a sucker for a girl with nice legs. Honestly. I got her out of the way though and he didn’t even notice a thing. That, I must say, was the best part of my day. Because honestly, I don’t remember a lot of what happened afterward. We went out for dinner – as friends, relax – but I’m pretty sure I had one too many drinks and it didn’t take as long for my body to respond to it. The last clear thing I remember was laughing about what a mistake Clara had been for him, which I think is odd because he was rather taken with her…which means he was a little out of it too, otherwise he wouldn’t be making fun of her with me… Its basically a blur after that point. I woke up in my own bed though, so I guess that’s something to be thankful for. Yay? Whatever. It was kind of depressing to keep away from Regulus all day, but he claims he had stuff to do anyways. Whatever stuff may be for him. I’m pretty sure what a girl considers Stuff and what a guy considers Stuff are very different, not that’d I’d ever ask. Every person needs their freedom. I won’t keep him on a leash if he doesn’t keep me on one; so far, so good.