Bella's Babble

[bella]

I’m a fool. A hysterical, mindless, lying, backstabbing fool and every time I think about it all I can do is giggle like it’s something funny! How wrong is that? Why does that sound so funny to me, even though I’m a horrible person? Is this what murderers feel like every time they’ve killed somebody? They just look at the nasty corpse and laugh? You know normally people that get thrown in jail are a lot more coherent then this. At least they look a little repentant. And if not regretful they at least fear about their life living in a cold, holed up cell with no windows. Or if there are some, they’re behind bars. Really thick, ugly-looking bars because they keep you from humanity. Are murderers this delusional?

Okay. That has to stop. I’m not a murderer.

It’s the only thing I can think of to compare it to though! My mind is like, stuck on repeat, playing it over and over and over. I see everything. And most of it isn’t very good. Some parts, very good – and the rest just horribly awful. It’s almost enough to ruin everything else. Who am I kidding? It is ruining everything else. I had actually made some ground with him, really. It was so wonderful for all of five minutes. And then I just had to open my big mouth. And there’s no cure for that kind of thing. So I had do it. I had to. And I don’t even know why! Does this count as saving your own skin? I like to think of it as protecting him, not me. He’s the one that would loose sanity over this, not me. Oh yes, and I’m proving this point really well. I wish there was a way to lock up my expressions in you. Stupid book. I don’t know why I bother. It’s not like I’ve learned from my mistakes – isn’t that what these stupid things are for? Look back and figure out what you’re doing wrong and fix it? What if your whole life is wrong? I can’t just poof out of existence. Well, maybe I could call up that murderer who’s apparently likely to be good friends with me. Yeesh. And I haven’t even gotten to the part that makes sense yet. Well, more sense then all this jumbled garbage. Let’s try this again, shall we?



I was in class. Normal. Good. Content. I was happy. Good happy. Not really a “I have nothing to worry about” happy, but like a “life is about as good as it could be right now” happy. And I was okay with this. Everything – or so I thought – seemed fine. I just wanted out of class. Okay. Good. Another thing to look forward to, you know? Bell rings. Simple enough. Leave class. And then the halls just seemed noisy. And I didn’t really want to talk to anybody. Alright. Easy fix – go outside, discreet location. Fine. So, I went down to the pitch. Everything was okay until – I swear, I saw a ghost. Metaphorically speaking.

Remember Mr. I can’t-tell-him-who-I’m-dating? That was easy, as it turns out, to keep from him because he was gone. France, actually. No one talks about little old me over there. I don’t even know anyone from France! Okay, minus Ethan. Duh. Point is the disappearing act decided now of all times was his opportune moment to turn back up in my life just when it would be better for him to stay away from me. He has impeccable timing. I told myself to walk away. I mean, seriously, adding him back into this wasn’t the smartest thing I could have done. And I almost managed to turn back around and everything – but he just looked…so…well, frankly he looked pitiful. I couldn’t just let him sit there all by himself. Misery loves its company, right? (I’ve also realized I can’t seem to leave guys alone when they’re depressed – ring any bells? And yes, har de har har about the Bella/Bells cliché. Ha ha ha). Well, I kind of just snapped after that. It was like one second my world had been upright, upside-down, and upright again. I just ran over and started hugging and babbling like we were old friends that hadn’t seen each other in months. Oh, wait, that’s what we are. (Dry sarcasm, gotta love it [insert eye roll here]). It’s really dumb, but I was scared. I thought he would know. (And in case you haven’t figured this out, the thing Ethan shouldn’t be knowing is my current dating status with Regulus). And if he knew, he would hate me. No doubts. I know for a fact, actually. But I’ll get to that later. I have some relatively good news right now, before we go back to the pity party.

Good news: Ethan is finally ready to get over Indigo!!! Yaaaaayyy!!! Oh happy day! Alright, that was really lame of me. When did I get so cynical? Well, in my defense he is ready to start over, you know, turn over a new leaf and all that jazz. His time away did some good, and some not so good. He listens to the talk too much. Honestly, he’s one of the most sincere friends I’ve ever had. And in such a short amount of time. And I lied to him. He told me a lot, about his home…and the…well, um, Yule Ball Incident. Which, of course is my entire reasoning on why I would be promptly hexed dead if Ethan of all people found out I was dating Regulus and liked it. Not because he’d be jealous. Ha. That would be kind of funny though, wouldn’t it? Gets over Indigo and chases after me instead. Indigo would just die. I get Regulus and Ethan. Boy, she would just…that would be great.

WHOA. Where did that come from? I need to stop this. Alright, new tactic. I like the list idea. It works well.

• Saw Ethan, happy reunion.
  
• We talk about the hard stuff (i.e. YBI, France, etc., etc.)
  
• He asks about me, I tell him I’m fine.
  
• I have I friend (a.k.a. Reg) who’s been helping me out.
  
• Ethan’s reaction? Pretty much a “oh, that’s cool.” And suspicion.
  
• My friend, who is he? Ethan asks.
  
• Told him it was no one, but he asks about Regulus.
  
• I know him, sure. Everyone knows the infamous Black.
  
• Ethan basically flips out and demands that I keep far away from Black.
  
• Well, if that would keep him happy.
  
• I promised I would stay away from Regulus Black.
  
• I LIED.

I just lied for the first time in my entire life and actually meant it. And he believed me. He thinks I’m keeping a nice, safe distance away from Reg. I wasn’t at the time and I’m not now. And Ethan doesn’t know! You see where my problem is? I’m loosing too much sleep over this. I don’t even know why I care. Ethan’s kept a lot of secrets from me. Then again, the day he decides to open up is the day I decide to close down. Maybe we can’t physically exist with both of us being honest. How pathetic is that? If he’s lying, I’m not; I’m lying, he’s not. Goodness. I shouldn’t care though, that’s what makes this ultimately one of the worst situations I’ve ever found myself in. Ethan’s opinion about who I date should make no difference to me whatsoever. But, I compare it to me and Noah. I mean, I had a fit when I found out he was dating Clara and practically jumped him when he said they broke up. We’re friends though; gotta watch out for each other. So, in retrospect, that’s what all of Ethan’s paranoia is deprived from, isn’t it? That poses a new question though, because when you answer one question another one always pops up:

If Ethan is so scared about me being alone in a room with Regulus, what has Reg done or said to instill that sort of fear over my safety?

Or, are guys just being guys?

I have already ruled out the latter. Ethan wasn’t just being the protective older brother type; he was actually concerned that I might have even looked at Reg longer then five seconds. He doesn’t want me around him, for whatever reason. And I have no idea why. Minus the YBI he’s never done anything to upset me before. At least not intentionally. And I guess you could kind of say when he sat down with me at the Three Brooms Sticks I was mad. And he said things I hated him for saying, but they were things I had to hear so really he was doing it for the sake of my well being. He knew it would help me out, eventually. No one else was big enough to slap me across the face and tell me to get it together. In a way. I mean, he didn’t actually hit me… But you get the idea. So, two fowls on his part and that’s enough for Ethan to cause a ruckus? I don’t think so. And it would be stupid to think he’s worried about me and Reg because of Indigo. That episode can’t repeat itself because I have never dated Ethan, so their went that worry. And it’s not like Reg even hates her anyways. Which still bugs me. Sometimes I still wonder if he wishes he was holding her instead of me. He says otherwise, and we don’t talk about her anyways, but just…sometimes… I donno, he’s oddly attached to her when he shouldn’t be. Maybe that’s what Ethan’s worried about. He’s scared I’m going to be dumped over an old flame that has no hope of ever rekindling anyways. That stupid too, though. Maybe Ethan just hates Reg got the better of him during the Yule? That has nothing to do with me either. Not that way, at least. Quidditch? Maybe I’m an indirect way for them to take it out on each other. Any excuse for two Quidditch players to battle it out is excuse enough for them. That’s even dumber then the Indigo Theory. I refuse to believe this is just guys being guys. And Ethan has nothing to be jealous about, because we’re just friends anyways. And I like him, but well… Okay, I admit sometimes I think it’d be fun to suggest the idea but that’s more like wistful thinking during class when I have nothing better to think about. So, jealousy is a ruled out theory in Ethan’s part. I guess Reg could be worried, but he’s not the one telling me to keep away from Ethan.

Well, there you have it, I have officially managed to run myself in about a thousand circles oh, in roughly 30 minutes. Lovely. Just wasted 30 minutes of my life I will never get back all for nothing, because as you can see I didn’t get very far in my Q&A. I guess there’s really no point in continuing this, is there? I’ll just waste a few more pages scribbling about nothing anyways. I guess if there’s some new revelation to this Ethan-Regulus feud you’ll be the first to know. It’s not like I’ve got anyone else to talk to it about.

And now I’m talking inanimate objects again. And I speak in questions a whole lot when I’m mad, I’ve noticed. Clear signs of insanity: talking to things that don’t talk back? Check. Speaking in question? Check. God, might as well call up the old Psycho Ward now.

[bella]

I feel horrible. I lied. That’s just a nasty word. I hate it. And I – I seriously lied to Ethan Cartier. Why does that, I just…I don’t even know how to work through that. Is it stupid that it’s all I’ve been able to think about? Guilt to the max, I’m sure. I couldn’t even look at him today. I wimped out. Just in the hall, too. Thankfully he didn’t notice I was passing, because I came this close to just screaming “I lied!” out loud and running away. Isn’t that pathetic? I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel bad. And I don’t know what to do. Do I just go tell him? And why does it matter? Two days! That’s it! And now I’m feeling unwavering loyalty to him? He’s just some guy I met through class! Well, kind of. It was lunch. That doesn’t matter. It was still only two conversations. And know I trust him? Trust and lies…

That’s all this world is, isn’t it?

[bella]

Well, I did it. I have lied (knowingly) to two of my closest friends. I lied to Ethan because I said I’d stay away from Regulus and I lied to Regulus because I said I’d stay away from Ethan. And Remus. What does Remus have to do with anything? I mean, we do talk…a lot…and kind of flirt…a lot…but we’ve never done anything. Although, I think we both know “just friends” doesn’t really explain us either. Geez. This is horrible. I feel bad, because I really like Regulus. I mean, he’s so perfect. Just for me. Like he knows just what I love. But…that – is that wrong? He’s worried about someone – Ethan or Remus for example – using that against me, that I’m so…well, I’m a likeable person and he think that’s going to be hurtful to our relationship. I know I’m not the best at keeping morals but I’m better then most. I flirt, but I don’t kiss every boy I meet. I kiss my boyfriend. Mmm, and enjoy it immensely. It’s not fair honestly, because he knows he can get me to do anything with those lips of his. And he’s worried about others taking advantage of me. Ha.

Okay, no. Staying on track here. Regulus is perfect. But is there such a thing as too perfect? What if – okay, I’m not going there. I don’t need to think about this. Regulus is fine. He’s wonderful. There’s no such thing as “too much” of it. I hope.

[bella]

All this confusion and anger and mindless ranting is’t doing anything for me, I’ve concluded, because it makes me to rather reckless things that could potentially cost me my life. You think I’m kidding? You try taking on Rabastan Lestrange singly handedly and tell me how it works out. Yes, I’m serious. I punched Rabastan Lestrange in the face. And he kind of punched me back… Which means until further notice I’m stuck here, in this stupid, too clean of a room with Mr. Snores. At least, that’s what I’ve decided to call him. I’m not sure who he is. I don’t think I know him and even if I did I’m not sure I’d recognize him. His face is really sore and pussy. It’s gross. And on top of that, because of his injuries Pomfrey keeps giving him knock-out meds and boy does that kid snore. It’s so annoying, but I guess I can’t really complain. I mean, it’s my own doing that landed me hear. I should have listened to Kayla and just stay put. But, oh well. I’m here now and I don’t regret doing it either. Rabbit deserved what he got. I hope he gets beat up for beating me up. That’d be nice. I should set Reg on him, that’d be fun. Let them battle it out. Maybe I’ll do that.

[bella]

Well, day 1 and a 1/2 of hospitalization. So far: NOT. GOOD. I am going insane. This is the last time I get myself stuck in here, because it gives me too much time to think. And goodness knows I do enough of that already. But, what else am I supposed to do? My only company is that whacked out nurse, Snores, and the occasional Bloody Nose or Stomach Ache. And that has left me with all the time in the world. I think it’s about time to record all this junk down, because then I can forget about it.



First and foremost: Regulus Black. What I know for sure: name, age, gender, relation. Adds up, doesn’t it? I’m having doubts and I don’t know why. He’s sweet, understanding, collected, protective, strong, drop-dead gorgeous, caring and I’m doubting it? But, I started thinking about what Ethan said. Sort of. Honestly I’ve tried not to think about it because I don’t want to take him seriously but when all I’ve got is myself and my thoughts its kind of hard not to. Anyways, Ethan was just so freaked out by the prospect that I even knew who Reg was and he wasn’t just being that way because of Indigo. I don’t think, anyways. Why he even cares who I date is still a mystery to me. But we’re talking about Reg here. So, I’m doubting this. Our relationship, sort of. What is Ethan so scared of? Regulus is wonderful, so there can’t be anything wrong with him. I don’t think so anyways. But, I started thinking about all the things I don’t know about him… I’m not even sure what his favorite color is! Shouldn’t a girlfriend know things like that? He feels right though. For once in my life its kind of nice to just go off of that. But – could everyone really be wrong about Regulus? I’m missing something and I don’t know what is it. I don’t even know where to begin looking for it. And, frankly, I don’t want to look. If Reg doesn’t want me to know something, I’m not going to ask him. We’re fine the way we are.

And lo behold, second: Ethan Cartier. I am scared of him. Seriously. He knows things. Too many things. He knows me and I’m worried. I am 99.99% he could tell something was up. I hate it. I get giggly and talk about nothing every time I get nervous and he knows it. Just add it to the What Ethan Knows About Me list. This is what I’ve got so far.

Things Ethan Knows About Me
1. My history
2. That I like his hugs
3. He can get me to spill my guts without second thought
4. I am generally an honest person
5. I laugh when I’m nervous
6. I babble about weird stuff when I’m nervous, too
7. That I’m really emotional
8. When I’m stressed, I cry and I can’t help it
9. All the essentials I suppose: name, house, age, etc…
10. The Quidditch Pitch is our spot

Things Ethan Thinks He Knows About Me
1. Who is right for me
2. Who is wrong for me
3. What I think about Regulus
4. What Regulus thinks about me
5. Who Reg “really is”

So, what do I make of all that? No idea. Ethan is a complicated person. And I hardly know him. Well, I do. I mean – we’ve talked. A LOT. And you know, when I’m not trying to deceive him I really like talking to him. He’s just a good person to talk to. He actually listens to me. And I don’t feel like I need to really, pretend around him I guess. And I think he thinks that too. Ethan thinks he knows a lot of things. Regulus is not a bad person! And seriously, I want to know what has happened between the two of them that back both so ready to jump the other’s throat. I have never witnessed two guys so – hateful towards each other. There has to be more reasoning behind this besides Indigo. Please. She’s not worth battling it out over. And Ethan is over her anyways. I am prepared to be very stubborn about this fact. The day Ethan goes back to Indigo will be the day I eat my own puke. Gross. But honestly.

And thus, the last boy that’s causing me trouble: Remus Lupin. He’s a cutie, definitely. But he’s just my friend. More then, but not…by a whole lot. And Regulus is “not-jealous” of him. Forgive me for sounding a little smug about that fact. I think it’s adorable. Reg is being jealous. He’s so funny. Okay, but anyways. Remus. Righto. Well, okay, I guess he’s not such a problem. Remus is just…Remus. Reg worries too much.

Well, as you can see I’ve got my work cut out for me. All this thinking and it’s only noon.

Lovely.

[/color][/font]

[bella]

Day two of captivity, 9:23am. Status report? BORED.

[bella]

I’m free! Bad news is I was released at noon, so I had to go to class. Good news about that is I got to talk with Annie. Sort of. Note passing. Whatever, same difference. I told her all about my wild adventures beating up Rabbit. And something was brought to my attention: I’m dating Annie’s cousin. Doesn’t that sound weird? Ha ha, we could be related some day. Do I really think that will happen? Well, no, but a girl can dream. Really that’s all I have to report… I think I’ll head outside. It’s late, but I’ve gotten a bad habit, alright? Besides, the lake is prettiest at night.

[bella]

I am never going to the lake again. Ever. Absolutely not. Because you know what happens when I do? I run into stupid Remus and take out my stupid anger on him and say stupid things that make stupid Remus upset. Lots of “stupid” in that, isn’t there? That’s all tonight was. STUPID. I stupidly was plotting my revenge against Rabastan yet again and then stupid Remus decides he should interrupt my stupid brooding. Doesn’t he know you never approached a pissed off girl? He needs to learn. Because you say stupid things when you’re mad. And you know you shouldn’t but you do anyways. You want someone else to feel pissed, so it makes you look not quite as bad. You pick on other people just because other people are picking on you. It’s a messed up, never-ending cycle of stupidly messed up confusion. Apparently Reg was right to worry about Remus – go figure, huh? He has all the reason to be nervous about Remus and me: because I’m going to hurt Remus the next time I get a chance. He’s such an idiot. We can be idiots together; isn’t that cute? It’ll be wonderful. Hmpth. I practically called him my last resort. You have to admit though, it would sure be easier dating someone like him. Everyone hates Regulus. And now they hate me because they hate him. So maybe the rest of the world is the idiots and I’m the only sane one? No, I can’t believe that. They just don’t know Regulus right. And I do? Forget it. I don’t even care anymore. Remus can just hate me; that’s fine. If he’s not going to remember how long we’ve been friends then I can just not remember, too. One little rant and he’s finished with me? Well fine. He’s too stubborn anyways. Even if I were considering, we’d never work out anyways. I don’t date pig-headed idiots.

[bella]

I’m doomed.

_{*graphic credited to alva =)}

[bella]

So. He knows. It’s that just hilarious?! Hysterical. Completely just turns my life all around. I love it. Amazing. Spectacular.

I am going to kill the sorry git that told him.

Oh, maybe he just finally got word through the grape vine; maybe someone excused it as simple matter of fact; asked him what he thought about this new inter-House couple: “oh, did you hear about the Swan girl?” Ooo, maybe Indigo told him. Speaking terms or not I’m sure she’d just love to dish out the news to someone she knows would attack me for doing such a thing. I wonder how Ethan took it when Indigo was dating Regulus…bet that sucked. And now me. Great. Another lovely comparison between me and the Gryff. Just wonderful. Maybe I should just drop all my robes and go invest in the reds. Yeah, this was all just an accident…Ethan was bound to find out some time, right? He knows about Regulus and he knows I lied. I’m so happy right now, I can’t even begin to express my feelings…but, were I to try, I think it would go something like this…

What in the world am I supposed to tell him?! “I’m sorry”? Because that would go over well. Maybe I just won’t go. He can suck it up and realize I’m not going to be summoned by a tiny bit of scrap paper. Can’t even look at me now, huh? Two friends down, couple more to go. Maybe Noah will start hating me, too. Heck, why not just all the Gryffindors? Throw in a couple Ravenclaws for good measure. As far as my fellows are concerned I’m already a traitor to the House because of Regulus and well, I’ve never gotten along all that well with Slytherins to begin with. At least I’ve got Mipsy, I suppose. She’d not much, but she can’t just get up and leave either. Just Bella and the rat.

Great.

[bella]

A friend is someone who knows all about you…

[/center]
My relationship with Ethan, it’s bipolar. That is the only word I can think of to describe it. Do you know what I went through tonight? Of course you don’t, you stupid book. You weren’t there.

Alright, starting over. I will not speak to inanimate objects.

I didn’t want to go. Of course I didn’t want to go. Why on earth would I want to walk straight to my own personal demise, courtesy of Ethan? I didn’t want him to know about this because I knew he’d throw a fit. And, more importantly, he isn’t scared about sparing my feelings and just flies when he’s mad. He didn’t care about it in the slightest. You know what he called me? Black’s seconds. Isn’t that nice. That’s what I am now. Black swallowed me up and just spit me back out. How flattering. Ethan really just has a way with words, now doesn’t he? And I hated him for it for about all of ten minutes. By the time we left I couldn’t even glare at him. What was the point? He was right of course. Everything I’ve been worrying about – Ethan just laid it all right down, literally separating the world into black and white sides. Worst thing about the whole thing?

I love Regulus Black.

There. I said it. I love him. And for him, I’m just merely second’s. I can’t even believe how much time, how effort, I have put into trying to make him see that, and helping him be better, when he’s rotten right down to the core. There is no decency in Regulus. At all. What I saw in him? I’ve got no idea. Just thinking about it now, it makes me want to puke. Puke right all over his disgusting face. Maybe then he can really appreciate just how furious I am at him. And he doesn’t even know yet. It’s three a.m., did I mention that? He’s all cozy in his bed thinking he’s still got a girlfriend. Yeah right. He’s been single for about an hour and a half now. He just doesn’t know it yet. He will though. I am so many things I want to tell him now… Starting with what a jerk he is. I can’t believe I trusted him. Liked him. Loved him. It just repulses me now. Everything about him. Think it’d be worth the detention to just explode on him during class? I now a few good spells… I’m just so sick and tired of it. Of Him. Everything. Is there no in this world that actually has a heart anymore? I really was just joking about the whole “two friends down” thing. I can make that three now. Maybe Noah really will ditch me. Although, Ethan and I…we’re…alright, sort of. So I gained Ethan back and lost Regulus. Back to two. This could not get anymore confusing:

Regulus still likes me – because he doesn’t know I now hate him – but I like Remus – who now hates me and still hates Regulus – which leaves me with a relationship to break and a friendship to mend.

How am I going to do that you ask?

I have no idea.

And still likes you.

[/blockquote]

[bella]

I’m amazing. I astound myself. My own foolishness – it baffles even me. Guess what I did today? Go ahead. Guess.

I fell in love.

Again.

I don’t know how I do this. I can’t even fathom how I have put myself into this position. How did this happen?! That’s the million dollar question today: just how did I do this? It started with homework, doesn’t it always? (It’s pretty much impossible to write an essay when you’re thinking about how badly you hurt one of your closest friends, just as an FYI). I was in the library. I thought I was safe there. But Fate hates me and possessed Remus into going there too. I should have just let him walk away. He saw me and basically flinched. If I hadn’t been so upset I might have laughed at his childishness. But I got up from my table and went after him. It’s been torturous, trying to come up with a way to apologize for being so nasty to him. I hate myself for it. I hurt him, so badly, and knowing that hurt me worst then you could ever imagine. I haven’t smiled in days. I’m either being told off or telling someone off. But Remus, he just…

We kissed.

And it was the best and worst thing that’s happened to me since Marie’s passing. Just because I’m currently loathing my own boyfriend (yeah, never actually followed through with the whole “break up” idea – yet) does not give me license to cheat on him. But kissing: is it really that big of a deal? It was just one little tiny kiss. That was it. Sort of. I wish it had been. I wish I’d kissed Remus and felt absolutely nothing at all. If I had, I might not be feeling so torn over this. But I discovered something today, which brings us back to the whole “falling in love” episode. I can hardly believe I am going to say this, however:

I lied when I said I didn’t date pig-headed idiots. I have. I dated Regulus. He meets all qualifications. And if Remus is a pig-headed idiot too, well I’ve never wanted to date anyone more. He’s always been right there, and I didn’t see him. But when he kissed me, I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t want to. It was like he’d flipped some switch, and there was no hope in turning it back off. My whole world – for as small as it may be – utterly stopped, for that one brief moment. Embarrassingly enough I was crying the whole way through it, but he didn’t even care. He let me cry, and didn’t lie and tell me everything would be okay. I knew I just messed everything up – all of it – the second I responded to him, instead of pushing him away. I should have. But I didn’t. I want him. Every bit of him. I think I always have. But I just… How could we possibly ever work out, honestly?

Me Stubborn My way or not at all Analytical Emotional Wants openness In a relationship anyways

Remus Stubborn His way or not at all Analytical Crying = no The Big Secret Single, and likes it

Can we say “problem”? And the best part of all of this: all those potential issues, and he still said he loves me. Like, really loves me, not the fun teenage love that lasts for a week or two. Scary part: I think I might love him that way too. That’s what it means, right? They – whoever “they” are – say that you’re supposed to just know when you fall in love, but how do you know if you fall in love if it just sort of happens? And what do you compare it to? Is there anything to compare it to? I’ve weighed it against Regulus, and came up with this: I do love Regulus, somewhere, in the midst of all my betrayal, but he doesn’t and maybe even can’t love me back; I love Remus, and he’s being nice enough to actually return the favor. Nice of him, huh? Too bad some people obviously don’t know love is a two-sided deal. And really – “love”? What is it really? Because if there’s someone that could tell me, that would be wonderful. It might help me out a little. And for that matter, can you love to people at once? And would it be equal, or can you love someone more? Love. Geez. I’m tired of thinking about it. It’s too complicated. I’m tired in general. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve got insomnia. It might explain why I stay up so late writing down my lamely eventful life.

[bella]

And you deserve someone that doesn't hurt other people for their own pleasure. Someone that doesn't have to manipulate people, and actually cares about you. I don't even care if it's me, just not him. How do you not see it Bella? Someone who isn't going to go and kiss some other girl that he has feelings for because you did. He told me he was thinking about doing that you know.

You deserve someone who actually knows what it means to be in a relationship solely because you love the other person, and not go running off to do things in retaliation when she does something you don't like. Someone that likes chocolate, just because you do, and it reminds them of your eyes. Someone who will truly fight for you. Someone who knows you don't like meat, and will go down to the Herbology room scrounging around for anything edible that you might like. Someone who knows all the lyrics to all your favorite songs, and sings them with you even though he sucks at singing. Someone who still has your scarf from the first time they met you, because you dropped it and he didn't know where to find you to give it back. Someone who bought you stationary for your birthday last year because he knows you like to write, and wanted you to be able to put it down on paper you actually liked. Someone who's spent hours on end just getting to know you, especially when we stare at the clouds to see what shapes we can find.

Okay, I care a little bit if it's me.

Remus

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And people wonder why I’m confused.

If you have someone like that, right there, but you weren’t in any place to give your heart away because someone else was holding onto it for you, well, what would you do?[/color][/font]

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[bella]

Well, I’ve been thinking. I know: SHOCKER. And I’ve decided Remus is a complete imbecile. But what can I do? I want that imbecile to be mine. He thinks offering to let Regulus beat him up – over one lousy kiss – will somehow magically fix all of this and not hurt anyone’s feelings. Well, my feelings are already hurt so that plan is out. He’s just so stupid! Why does he want to go get himself hurt over me? I’m the one who hurt Regulus, for crying out loud! Remus didn’t do anything! He was just being Remus, and I should have told him to stop but I didn’t so that’s that. Regulus should hate me, not Remus. And now Remus is going to take the blame for it anyways. This is why we can’t work. I am prepared to be persistent with this, and I will not let Remus go through with this. Oh, and of course all this means Regulus knows that if I had a hit list he’d be on it. What I want to know is when Remus and Regulus sat down and talked about all this. And where the heck was I? Shouldn’t I get some say in this? Neither of them seem to think so…and they just think I’m going to sit here and take it. Honestly. And here I thought Remus knew me better then that. I don’t really know about Regulus anymore. He’s just sort of…there. A black smug in my history. No pun intended.

[bella]

I’m skipping class. I had to just admit that, before I could go on with this. This. For once, I actually feel alright. More then alright. I feel…giddy.

Result of last night:

• Remus was beat up by Regulus
  
• I ran into them
  
• Regulus and I had a nice screaming match; I think I won
  
• We broke up
  
• Remus hit Regulus for calling me a whore
  
• I helped Remus to the Hospital Wing
  
• [Side note: the nurse is in on The Big Secret, I think]
  
• Regulus stayed by himself, at the Forest
  
• Up in the HW, Remus and I talked, a lot
  
• And in the end… Remus + Bella = Boyfriend & Girlfriend

Really it’s sort of a blur to me. Some parts I can remember clearly, and others not so much. I was forced to drink Pomfrey’s little calming potion. It knocked me out, hard, but before I feel asleep Remus and I were able to cover a lot of ground. I’ve decided a lot of prime cuddling time has come out of being in the infirmary. That’s completely beside the point, however. I’m dating Remus Lupin! And I no longer have to a.) be freaked out over Ethan’s crazy reaction to me and Regulus, b.) worry about Regulus anymore anyways, and c.) keep other girls away from Remus. I am going to make sure I’m the only girl in his world. I refuse to let this blow up. I’m going to behave myself. No more flirting. Remus disobeyed my flat out commands not to let Regulus go and hurt him, and he didn’t listen to me like I figured he would, so I figure the least I can do is restrict myself to being well mannered. And, really…I hardly want to even look at anyone else. I love Remus, that’s all there is to it really. I can’t justify it and I can’t explain it. It’s just there and I’m happy with it. He makes me happy. My face actually hurts from smiling so much. And it hasn’t even officially been a complete day yet. We were released from the Hospital Wing this afternoon, and I was supposed to go to Transfiguration, but I’m hanging out in the dorm instead. It’s the first dose of free time I’ve had today, not that I’m complaining. Remus is really warm, like unnaturally so. He was my company, duh, so I sort of gathered that. Which reminds me, I do need to revise something…

Things Ethan Knows About Me
1. My history
2. That I like his hugs
3. He can get me to spill my guts without second thought
4. I am generally an honest person
5. I laugh when I’m nervous
6. I babble about weird stuff when I’m nervous, too
7. That I’m really emotional
8. When I’m stressed, I cry and I can’t help it
9. All the essentials I suppose: name, house, age, etc…
10. The Quidditch Pitch is our spot
11. Who is wrong for me
12. What Regulus thinks about me
13. Who Reg “really is”
14. That he reminds me of Jesse
15. I don’t easily admit defeat during an argument

There. Now I can forget about that for now. I have bigger things to occupy myself with. About Remus, naturally. I think I’m closer to figuring out what all this Big Secret stuff is about. He finally confirmed that he wishes he could tell me, but can’t. Which makes me think this Secret is bigger then some tragic family life or something like that. It’s been okay up until now, but it really bugs me. Why can he not tell me? Does he really think so little of me, that I’d run away over something that’s sure to be trivial?

The Big Secret “Clues”
1. Wants to tell me, can’t
2. Madam Pomfrey knows about it (maybe)
3. He doesn’t let anyone know, not just me
4. His temperature might have something to do with it, not sure
5. It’s “safer” if I don’t know

That’s about all I’ve got. But it could be enough. I feel like I’m missing something, though. Something really obvious. But then again, I feel sort of bad for even worrying over this. He’s happier if I don’t know, but does Remus seriously think I’m not going to investigate this little Secret of his? It can’t be that bad. Worst thing I can think of is he’s got a history with the law enforcement around Hogwarts: lots of detentions, maybe got suspended? But even that doesn’t make a lot of sense. He’s a Prefect, and I would have know if he got suspended/expelled. Well of course he’s not expelled. He’s here. But – oh I don’t know! But I will, soon – eventually. Remus can’t remain an enigma forever.