Bella's Babble

[bella]

Don’t know where to start with this one, so I guess we’ll just…start at the end like I always do. Yesterday was amazing. There was so much going on, it was just…wow! Oh my God, and the craziest part – Remus and I won King and Queen, for the royal court. I know we’re like, dating, obviously, but it is kind of weird that people like us enough to vote? And Annie’s going out with Drake…!!! Can you believe that? I am not entirely sure how that news slipped by me. You’d think it would have come up. Man, those two just… They’re good for each, I think. Drake’s what she needs. And visa versa. Ha, I wonder who’s the man of the relationship, Drake being so involuntarily sensitive. And Annie’s a rock. Always puts on a brave face. One of the reasons we’re friends, probably. She just “gets” it. James and Marlene were second. (Oh, Drake and Annie being third, did I mention that?) I should have asked Marlene how that’s all going… James seems happier.

I got my dance in! Did I say that already? Oh, and I saw Johnny! He’s so…more social awkward then Remus, heh. He came with the Edwards’ girl. Jenna. We’re sort of friends. I guess. But their history is all over the place. I thought it was cute of them to come together, with all the crap connected to Johnny’s name lately. They really just need to leave him alone. If I liked girls would people start hating me, too? It’s stupid. So we sat with him for a while… Danced. Me and Remus left a little early. I’d already gotten in everything I really wanted to do. And Remus is funny when he’s antsy. It was worth it.

Oh. And Rabastan. I didn’t do anything, so I mean… I really haven’t broken my goal of…ignoring him. But he came with one of the LaCroix twins. Don’t know which one, I can never tell them apart. I’m guessing the one that’s in Slytherin, though. She was dressed like she belonged in there. And Rabastan wasn’t even looking at her. You’d think that would be all he’d be able to do. Maybe even start ripping her too-small dress off right there. He’s kind of a pervert that way. I think he’s sort of…serious…about Khai. I haven’t talked to him about it for a while. Duh. I’m trying not to do that. Remus should just know not to tell me to not do something. It just makes me want to do it. And really there isn’t anything wrong with –

Well, long story short I saw Rabastan leave the room after Khai, but that was about it. I want to know what’s going on with them but I guess that will just have to wait for never to come around. Maybe I could ask that friend of his…Michael? Mike?

There wasn’t any crazy Ethan-Regulus showdown. Oh! But Ethan brought that Jacqueline girl. She’s like…psychotic. She’s the girl that tried to freakin’ kill herself and that’s who he

I’m a really bad person. They’re friends. I shouldn’t be talking about her like that. I’m sure she’s just freaked out, you know? I can imagine a life so awful that ending it might seem the only way out. Not that I’ve ever really seriously thought about suicide or anything but everyone has those days. Some more then others, I guess.

That’s just gunna have to do it for now. I really should go to bed. Who knows if that’s even possible with all this leftover excitement floating around? Only one way to find out.

[bella]

I guess I should have known my life could only be picture-perfect for so long? Kind of pathetic how easily my life can switch from good to bad. In under a couple of minutes flats, actually. Regulus decided to be stupid today. I haven’t talked to him in…God, in months just because…well, why should I? He’s a jerk. He beat up my boyfriend. While he wasn’t my boyfriend at the time…and technically Regulus had been with me then… Okay whatever. Small technicality. The point of the matter is that Regulus just isn’t a good influence on me. And he’s rude to people. Or at least people he doesn’t like. I haven’t had any reason to talk to him. So he created one. Guess who has a sister? Me. Apparently. That new Italian girl. I think Pierre’s mentioned her once or twice. And you know, Noah might have to. I think she was the girl that got them into that whole kiss-Amos-bet thing. Oh it doesn’t even matter. It’s just that… I. Can. Not. Have. A. Sister. Okay? I’ve already got enough to deal with. Without having to try and figure out how some Italian girl and I am related, let alone managed to somehow wind up at the same school. Marie never said I had a sister. Not that she ever said much to me at all. But wouldn’t someone at the orphanage know? Or what if I’m just the one that wasn’t wanted? Was my so-called sister taken in and me forgotten? It’s too confusing to ever worry about.

But I did…okay, I haven’t told anyone but Annie. I just…I needed a second opinion. And she kind of made it sound like I should take Regulus kind of…serious. I mean, what if it is true? I don’t really want it to be, but… Well, she said so herself, Annie’s not the best at sisterly advice but… I don’t know. Maybe I do want it to be true…at least if I did have a sister, then…maybe I could find out more about my own family? What if she knows my dad? And did she know Marie? How much are we related? Regulus made it sound like only half… Which it fitting, seeing of how big a tramp my own mother was. It’s worth taking as true just to…find answers.

I’m just not sure if I’m entirely ready to have my questions answered. Questions I’ve had for years.

[bella]

• Did Marie ever actually care for me?
  
• Who’s my father?
  
• Is my father even alive?
  
• What happened to him?
  
• Do I want to know?
  
• Why didn’t Marie want me?
  
• Why didn’t my father want me?
  
• Do I actually have a sister now?
  
• Half sister, full sister – how are we related?
  
• Who are her parents?
  
• Where has she been?
  
• Why is she here now?
  
• Do I even want to know my dad?
  
• What’s he like?
  
• Do I want to know?
  
• Would I be happier if he were alive, or dead?
  
• Why’d they give me up?
  
• Why were me and “my sister” broken apart?
  
• How come I never knew about her?
  
• Does Ms. Drivels know, and she just hasn’t told me?
  
• Do I want to know?
  
• Does the sister know I’m alive?
  
• Who’s older?
  
• Does she know she has a sister?
  
• What’s she like?
  
• Would she want a sister?
  
• Do I want a sister?
  
• What’s going to happen if we are related somehow?
  
• Do I want to know?

[bella]

Her name’s Virginia Malone but she goes by Verge.

If you call her by her full name, she snaps at you.

Coincidence?

[bella]

I probably should talk to her. She sounds kind of nasty, though. Pierre’s got a grudge against her as far as I can tell and Noah’s a little infatuated but not in the right way. Weird, Noah likes my sister? I guess he doesn’t know if she’s my sister. I don’t even know if she’s my sister. That sounds really odd. Sister. Like, I have a blood relative. I’m not an only child. Maybe. What am I supposed to do though, just walk up and ask who her parent’s are? “Oh hi, I’m Bella Swan – I think we’re related. You don’t happen to have a birth certificate on you, do you?” That would go over really well, I’m sure. I don’t think she knows anything. I mean, I’ve seen her a few times now. You’d think she would have said something, right? Or she does the exact same thing I do: think about it all the time and never go a single thing about it. Wonderful. So she either knows and is ignoring me, or doesn’t know and is ignoring me anyways. Or knows I know and doesn’t want to say anything because she thinks that I don’t know she knows. Does that even make any sense? Ugh.

I need to talk to her.

[bella]

Manage me, I’m a mess.
Turn a page, I’m a book
Half unread.

I wanna be laughed at,
Laughed with, just because.
I wanna feel weightless
And that should be enough.

Well I’m stuck in this f*cking rut
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I’m over, getting older.

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by.
I’m over, getting old.

Maybe it’s not my weekend
But it’s gunna be my year.
And I'm so sick of watching
While the minutes pass as I go nowhere.
And this is my reaction
To everything I feel
‘Cause I’ve been going crazy
I don’t want to waste another minute here.

Make believe that I impress.
That every word by design
Turns a head.

I wanna feel reckless,
I wanna live it up, just because.
I wanna feel weightless,
‘Cause that would be enough.

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by.
I’m over, getting old.

Maybe it’s not my weekend
But it’s gunna be my year.
And I'm so sick of watching
While the minutes pass as I go nowhere.
And this is my reaction
To everything I feel
‘Cause I’ve been going crazy
I don’t want to waste another minute here.

This could be all that I’ve waited for
(I’ve waited, I’ve waited for…)
And this could be everything,
I don’t wanna dream anymore.

Maybe it’s not my weekend
But it’s gunna be my year.
And I’ve been going crazy,
I'm stuck in here.

Maybe it’s not my weekend
But it’s gunna be my year
(It's gunna be my year).
And I’m so sick of watching
While the minutes pass as I go nowhere
(Go nowhere).
And this is my reaction
To everything I feel
(Everything I feel).
Cause I’ve been going crazy,
I don’t want to waste another minute here.

_{weightless, all time low}

[bella]

I am never talking to her again.

[bella]

We’re related. We. Are. Related. I have a sister. A sister. A real, living, breathing, damnable sister. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know where to begin. I didn’t know what to do. I caught her in the hallway after classes, asked about Noah. Stupid but I figured boys might be a common ground. It wasn’t like I could just blurt everything out. But…oh my God. Okay first off? I obviously can never ask a girl for their opinion on Noah because listening to a girl talk about how cute they think one of your best friends is turned out to be rather awkward. I don’t think “jealous” is exactly the right term, but ew. She made him sound like a new little toy. Noah doesn’t really need another crashing relationship. Honestly it’s as awkward as Noah liking my sister. Sister. I talked to my sister. God I was just going to try and forget it ever happened but there are just some things that need to be written out. Yesterday was a mess. An utter disaster. Awkwardly got through talking about Noah. Managed to at least get outside, “fresh air” you know, and…well, obviously it was probably better to just not let anyone else hear the yelling that went on.

I learned something yesterday. And I’m not sure what to do with it. But we talked about our parents. I guess she got a letter from her mom? Who isn’t my mom. But we…our father. My father. I have one. He’s alive. And from what she told me, he isn’t much better then my mother. Figures I get to be the child that got both rotten parents. Her mother, Virginia’s mom, she is like…some kind of designer. She actually has a home. I don’t have that. My whole life is based around deception and lies. I shouldn’t even be alive. Not if what’s-his-face had been a good husband. This isn’t even my point. Okay. My mother. You know, as much as I’ll always hate her for everything she never did, she still is my mom. And when Virginia accused her of just…look I’m well aware I don’t hold Marie to the best light. Why should I? She didn’t do a thing for me. But listening to someone else talk about her like that was awful. Defensive isn’t really a nice look on me. It was horrible. I learned a whole lot, before we both started freaking out over who had the better parent, worst parent, best life, worst life. So stupid. The only thing we could agree on what was an indignant pig our dad is. Ours. I share a father. I have one.

He’s a jerk. He married Virginia’s mother and the second a baby was on the way he freaked out. So what does he do? Goes and gets wasted only to have another child. Another mistake. I actually know more about my father then I do my own mother now. Marie’s just some drunken woman in a bar who found a bed warmer for the night. Product: me. Dear old Dad? His name’s Gregorio Malone. Ew. Married Carla, Virginia’s mom. Cheated on Carla with Marie Swan. When she knew she was pregnant, she went back to him and Carla. Told the whole story. Carla left with my half-sister and he didn’t bother staying with my mom. He didn’t want me. He never had. He didn’t even know I was coming until Marie told him. She didn’t want me either. Born, shipped off to the orphanage. Awesome. Just…ugh. Oh, did I ever say? Guess I’m the younger sister. I have an older sister. Virginia Malone. Freaky. And disturbing and really, really…unwanted.

I guess that’s kind of the theme, isn’t it? My whole life. Isabella Swan: Unwanted. Maybe I should go talk to Remus. He can’t know. I don’t want him to. Remus has got enough to deal with. And I just…I…

I can’t do this.

[bella]

I really couldn’t handle anymore bad news, so I decided to document something a little more appealing. They’ve gotten bigger:

Buster –

Moony –

[bella]

It really is quite sad that my school work tends to be at its greatest when my social life is at its lowest. Both of which are kind of my fault. I mean, if I could just ignore my problems and keep being happy then there’d be no need for me to distract myself with homework, right? Or something like that. Whatever. I asked J if we could meet up tomorrow night, though. I need help studying. I’m never going to get anything done if I try to do it by myself. J kind of…can be a little too “let’s talk about you instead” sometimes, but he knows what he’s doing. He’s a good, studious guy. And right now I really need that.

[bella]

So…I realize this is really nasty of me to say…

But it’s kind of nice to know my life isn’t the only one that currently sucks.

…

Rabastan’s in the Hospital Wing. I guess he caught something. J told me about it tonight. From the sounds of it, he’s not taking it very well. Throwing up and stuff. Which is just…ew. I remember this one time, me and this one other girl were sick at the same time. She’d through up, and it’d make me do the same, but then she’d throw up again and it…ugh. It was awful. On a less disgusting note? Olivia came along with J. It was kind of nice to just sit there, the three of us, and get some studying done. I really need to work out a better schedule. I mean, teachers are already talking about how much we need to prepare for their tests and stuff. I like having my good grades. So, unfortunately, guess that means I should probably start, well…being a lot more productive, we’ll say.

I know going to see Rabastan not only doesn’t help my studying and Remus definitely wouldn’t approve…but I think I’ll go anyways.

In this sick and twisted sort of way, I want to make sure Rabastan knows he’s not the only one with problems.

[bella]

I think it’s weird how a showcase of some vulnerability can make you see someone in a whole new light. Don’t get me wrong, I still strongly believe Rabastan’s a jerk but he’s a jerk with some hidden sensibility. I like talking to him when it’s just us. Whenever he’s around other people though, he’s just stupid. I don’t know what it’s like to have to uphold any sort of title, though. I mean, what am I really? I’m like a mutt. A freak in both worlds. With a crazy past and no seeable future. I don’t even know what I want to do with myself next year. After graduation, where exactly am I headed? You’d think I’d have all this figured out already but…goodness who really knows that they want to do with the rest of their life? I envy anybody that does. I’m a no body going no where. Rabastan at least has all his pureblood crap going for him. Wow, and does that mean I’m jealous of him? Ew. It’d be nice to have all that money, though. I realize that’d not everything…more important things that riches, all that…but it certainly would make life a bit easier. If that’s who he’s trying to act like though, when he’s around other people, just trying to be a rich man’s son…hmpth. I think I’ll take my mutt-ism. I don’t have anything to live up to but at least I don’t have anyone forcing me to do something, either. Guess there really is no good way to go about life. No matter what you’re dealt with, there’s always going to be someone better than you and someone below. You want what you can’t have, isn’t that right? I’m a little lost in what I want…

I’ve always wanted a family. I wanted somewhere I could go home to. Where I could have a mother and a father. Parents that would be interesting in what I did over the school year but excited that I’m home for summer. I wanted a sibling. Younger, older, brother, sister – it didn’t matter. I just wanted someone to share it with. And I always wanted a dog, of course. So when things weren’t going so well, I at least had one person – animal? – that would still love me even if I screwed up. When it felt like my family wasn’t enough. It doesn’t even have to be a big house. Just a house. Somewhere that’s mine. And I could have my own room without feeling like I was invading, or that it could disappear. I wanted friends. I have friends. Six years is a long time. But I don’t have any friends from my childhood. I guess that’s more of what I wanted. Someone I could talk to and laugh about when we were really little. But when I was really little, I was alone. I was alone until I came here. Before then, it was just other orphanages kids, nosy adults and prodding doctors. What would have happened if I’d never left there? What if, right now, I was still there with no explainable reason for why I was there? Muggles don’t know how to define speaking to animals, or murders out at recess. I don’t even really know how to explain that. Well, talking to Jesse was never really a bad thing. But that I…I could do that to someone? What could happen if I actually knew what I was doing?

I wonder if Rabastan has these kinds of problems. If anyone has these types of problems. Whatever.

I felt stupid going in empty handed so I grabbed a box of jelly beans for him. I don’t remember why I had them. But they were unopened, so…whatever, it’s not like he’ll know the difference. I think Madam Pomfrey has him on too many drugs. I refuse to believe that those were his normal conversing skills today, ‘cause he hardly said anything. He did look tired. I didn’t stay very long. I couldn’t tell if he looked more surprises, happy or disappointed when I said I was leaving. Not that it matters much, I guess. Whether he cared or not I still feel better. Sort of. Rabastan’s a good listener because I can tell him anything just to get it out and know it will go one ear and out there other, ha.

And this is why Isabella Swan will never really be friends with Rabastan Lestrange.

I’m content with whatever we are right now.

[bella]

Ethan Cartier > Rabastan Lestrange.

Okay good. Glad we got that covered.

Funny thing about Ethan: he thinks I’m the one stalking him. It’s not my fault he’s always down at the pitch whenever I go down there. Honestly, does he do nothing else but perform deathly stunts on a broom in his free time? I went down to the pitch after some more studying with J. And he was there. Like he always is. It was good, though. We had another one of our fake therapy, sessions. Because that’s what I’m starting to think they are. Ethan doesn’t really have to say a whole lot to make sense. He just let’s me talk myself to places I already knew existed and didn’t want to admit were real. A nice, good kick in the general direction of where I need to go. If that really makes any sense at all. I wouldn’t know, my head’s been sort of scattered later. I’m having nightmares again. I don’t know why. They’re sort of vague. Just…those silent dreams. I see people, and try to talk to them, and then they disappear…or walk off…or fade into someone else. I didn’t tell Ethan that, though. Just…about Verge. Guess he knows her. Not like, personally. Gryffindor and all that. That and…okay, what boy is going to not take notice of an Italian bombshell? Even I can own up to knowing that.

[bella]

Just when things start looking up for us, she decides to leave. It’s her mom’s fault more so, I guess. They’re going back to Italy. “Fantastic.” Verge leaves first thing tomorrow morning. I guess I have a right to be sad. I don’t know her that well. And we’re sisters. And…I guess I just kind of thought things might be different from now on. I mean, I suppose they will be…we’ve promised to owl each other. Seems only fair. My brain’s a little stuck right now. I don’t know what to think. I should probably just go to bed.

[bella]

Johnny’s kind of, uh…he’s just a good guy. The kind of guy I’d probably date if he was actually into girls. That might be one of the things I like best about him, though. He’s easy to talk to because the chance of us talking turning into something more isn’t there. I can be open with him and know he’s just being a good friend, not trying to get to know me so he can get to know me.