Bella's Babble

[bella]

HOORAY! I’ve been told I get released tomorrow. That’s exciting. I’ve done just about everything a person can do in a bed. Except that; get your head out of the gutter. I admit though, I’m…a little sad.

I’m going to miss this temporary (?) Rabastan.

[bella]

It’s official. Rabastan’s “you realize this changes nothing” statement has been put into effect and I kind of wanna go up and kick his rear just so he’ll stop acting like I don’t exist again. Do I really want his attention? Meh, it’s questionable. Sorta depends on the day, since you like – have to catch him in a good mood otherwise you’re screwed. But do I like his company? Yeah, in a weird way I do. I think this is me just empathizing with his little meltdown. I mean…alright, I have to be thee worst heartbreak on the planet. We’ve already covered how pathetic I am though so we’ll move on to how pathetic Rabastan is instead. He just – God, I would ask what his problem is but obviously he’s just being a butthead to everyone else because he’s pissed at Khai. Or Ludo. Both? Yeah, we’ll go with both. I don’t understand how Khai could have actually liked him when he so obviously has thee biggest temper ever. I wonder what it’s like growing up like he did? Would I have been such a little brat when I don’t get things my way? See, I think that’s why I want to talk with Rabastan. Because I think I might be the only one that can. Yeah, yeah he has his little Slytherin posse but from what I’ve seen he isn’t being very nice to any of them. Probably too embarrassed about finally being on the reverse end of a cheat. Alright, but back to the point here: if he wants her back so badly why doesn’t he go and at least try to in her back? Acting like a baby isn’t flattering. If anything, Khai’ll probably just go off and laugh with Ludo about how stupid he’s being. Or maybe she wouldn’t? They seemed pretty smitten for one another whenever I saw them together. It was a little gross, really – they bring “sucking face” to a whole knew level.

This has to be a clear sign I need to go buy another book or something. I’m making up my own tragedies with other people’s lives now. There’s something wrong with that. And I need to stop messing with Slytherins. Regulus was They are just trouble anyways.

[bella]

You count ‘em one, two, three…
You look so cute when you get that mad (get that mad).
You drain the life from me and it feels oh so good.

The looks you give are so contagious!
The way we move is so outrageous!
Just let me in (just let me in) we’re wasting time…
Just let me in! Let’s make it right!

So stay up and get down,
Sleep’s just time spent wasting time (wasting time).
So get down, yeah get down!
Let’s make it happen all night.

You’re moving close (moving close), my pulse is racing.
We’re getting close (getting close), yeah I can taste it.
I’ve never done it quite like this.
So slow it down now, just slow it down.

The looks you give are so contagious!
The way we move is so outrageous!
Just let me in (just let me in) we’re wasting time…
Just let me in! Let’s make it right!

So stay up and get down,
Sleep’s just time spent wasting time (wasting time).
So get down, yeah get down!
Let’s make it happen all night.

You count ‘em one, two, three…
You look when you get that mad.
You drain the life from me and it feels oh so good.

You count ‘em one, two, three…
You look so cute when you get that mad…
You drain the life from me and it feels oh so good.

So stay up and get down,
Sleep’s just time spent wasting time (wasting time).
So get down, yeah get down!
Let’s make it happen all night.

So stay up and get down,
Sleep’s just time spent wasting time (wasting time).
So get down, get down!
Let’s make it happen all night.

_{count ‘em one, two, three, the maine}

[bella]

Oh my God, I have had sex with Remus Lupin.

[/i]

Wow that sounds really skanky, doesn’t it? I swear it wasn’t like that. Well it was – but not in the way… Right. So. Starting over.

Early today Remus asked me if I could meet him in his common room later that night. Or what is last night now. Anyways. I admit, all day I was wondering about it because he looked so nervous when he asked me. Like I was just going to turn to him and laugh and say no. Is he mental? Of course I said yes, but it bugged me all day. I tried to ignore the obvious reason why he might want me up there at such a late hour, since, I mean…alright what girl wants to get their hopes up and then have them crushed worst then they would have been if she just hadn’t though about it at all? If that even makes sense. I mean, it was possible he just wanted to be in comfortable surroundings, right? I thought maybe he was like – mad at me or something. Let’s face it, I haven’t been the most…intelligent…person lately. (In my defense my ankle is fine, thank you very much.) And he’d already given me that speech. I think it turned out alright though, I mean, Rabastan and I kind of…something, whatever that is. He doesn’t hate me as much? I don’t glare at him as much? God but Rabastan is totally besides the point. His name might have passed through my head like – once last night, and that was only before um…

Alright, well, I met up with Remus as asked (I went in my PJs, isn’t that stupid? I had to at least look like I’d gone to bed though, while I waited.) and well, he was still acting really weird. Or maybe the better phrasing… Like, he was nervous, but he was – nervous about being bold. Something to that effect. He wasn’t keeping me away, and, ha, he told me to sit down. Like I was going to fall over the second he told me whatever it was he wanted to talk about. You see were I got confused, though, don’t you? I think a total of thirty words max passed between us last night. And yet, I was there the whoooooole night. And so much more then little “I love you’s” were exchanged. I can’t even – God, how do you put something like that into words? That’s the problem. You can’t. And oh my God did it feel good to finally just forget about everything and just go. No more stupid rules, none of this “Bella, calm down,” or “honestly, where’s your self control?” nonsense. Best part? No more worrying about when I was going to be pushed away again. I never talk about it because I know it’d upset him, and I guess I don’t have to now at any rate, but that was always the hardest part. I know it was just because he was scared, and was worried about all the “what if’s” but still, I couldn’t help but feel like it was just because he didn’t want to. Like I still wasn’t good enough. It’s dumb, I know, I know. After everything we’ve been through? It’s silly to think that. But after last night? I honestly and truly believe him. Every single shred of my existence understands how much he loves me, and finally I was able to show him I returned every feeling and more. No more worrying, no more wondering. Everything about it just felt like – geez, it was just… My heaven.

I don’t get what on earth he was so worried about. Your random fact for the day: Remus is wonderful in bed. And I’m the only one that knows.

[/color][/font][/blockquote]

[bella]

I need to stop making a habit of this. At the time it makes sense and then when I sit here thinking about it I have to wonder if Meredith had been right to sent me to the psycho ward. I mean, once I started talking to dogs that was sort of the end of it, right? If that whole thing with Ryan wasn’t enough… God I don’t even want to think about that. I still have nightmares about that, do you realize how sad that is? It’s been years and I still have these – like, conversations with him…in my head. And you know, that sounds ever lamer when it’s written out on paper. Maybe I should send her an owl or something. Ask about it. It’s a valid question, isn’t it? Maybe now that I’m older I can actually see what they wrote about me on all those papers. The therapy sessions. The observations. My “improvements.” I know I wasn’t utterly senseless then so what’s going on now? Maybe this is post-traumatic stress. Maybe I’m only just now letting it all sink in. Oi vey.

So my crazy childhood is an explanation for why I was out with Rabastan today, huh? Because that makes a whole lot of sense, geez.



It’s really weird. He caught me during the hallway this morning and asked if we could talk later. Couple days of having nothing to do with him and then he randomly pops up and asks if he wants to talk? Always Mr. Bipolar, I see. Well, I told him sure against the sanest of sane reasoning and we trekked outside to Hogsmeade. According to him fresh air was necessary and he was too pent up to simply sit around. (Besides, Hogsmeade weekend.) Problem number one, in retrospect: I willingly followed Rabastan to wherever without telling anybody where I was going, who I was with, when I was coming back, if I would come, what was going to happen while I was away? SMART Bella, really smart. Obviously I lived, which is a start. But that’s besides the point.

I think he only wanted to talk with me because I’m the only one that knows about that night. He told me things he never intended to and now that I know them, it’s like he’s trying to just – secure enough trust with just the right amount of fear. It’s odd. But not awkward. He really was just concerned about what he was supposed to do with himself, now that his quote “other half” was missing. I admit, I find it a little endearing how much he still likes/loves Khai after what she did. However, it’s also pathetic on a level, too. In that way, Rabastan and I can relate. I still don’t think that’s his only motive for trying to act all friendly towards me when it’s just me and him. I want to believe in him, I really do, but how can I after everything else? But every time we talk I just fall more subjective to his words. So is his tactic really working if I know what’s going on? Or is that his purpose entirely and I’m missing the point anyways? It sucks not knowing what’s going on. But for whatever reason, he thinks I’m the best person to vent to. Makes me wonder what’s going on with him and all his other “friends.” I thought Slytherin’s were like – blood brother? You know, stay within your cult and don’t let anyone else in. He has to be arguing with someone for him to not tell them instead. Shame is probably a factor, though… I guess…well, if someone heard what was coming out of his mouth you’d never believe he’d even killed a fly in his whole life. I repeat: odd. Since it is Rabastan.

So you think that’s the extent of my stupidity today? Nope, it gets better.

Rabastan’s a loser (and reminded me why I’m not supposed to like his company) because he ditches me to go do whatever, (drinking is my guess). Baby boy’s scared to be seen in public with me, probably. (We didn’t go down with the big group, we went a little bit later.) So, I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do with myself and yes, dreary fates calls because I saw Regulus. In and of itself that sort sucks. But he looked mad and yes, I had a mild inclination to go over to him and ask what he was doing, how he was doing… Then remembered I hate him and want him to suffer. I think. So I ignored him completely and walked on by. I don’t think he noticed me. I was certain I wanted him to go crawl up and die in a cold corner when I found Johnny slumped over on a bench. Ew, it was so grotesque. His breath smelled of liquor and his whole body looked broken. I know jumping to conclusions is bad but – well, Reg has a history. What else was I supposed to think? Johnny promptly slurred out a story I couldn’t understand once he realized it was me and not Regulus again. He’s really quite a sad drunk – he just kept blubbering and going on and on in half-syllables. I did manage to string pieces together though:

Something about Rita, some fight with Reg, and – well, apparently Johnny’s gay? I was surprised, too. I don’t really care though. I mean, worrying about a guy’s sexuality is kind of the last thing on my list. Why does it matter? You love who you love. It went on like that as I got him back to the castle. Never did see Rabastan again. I hope he’s suffering from a hangover. It was a looooong walk back, but I did manage to get Johnny back up to his common room. My suggestion was to get him up to the Hospital Wing but he vehemently refused that option. Even drunk, he sounded like he meant it. So, common room was next best bet. I got some scrawny kid to let me in and settled Johnny down on the couch. (Their common room’s really cool, fyi.) I didn’t want to leave him alone but I figured he’d be alright now. I helped him clean up a little bit. I don’t know if I helped or hindered him though; I’m not amazingly spectacular with healing spells. Defense is more my game. Anyways. I really hope Johnny’s okay. Maybe someone else convinced him to go see the nurse.

Hmm, on a happier note…Remus isn’t so black and white with his rules anymore. Poor guy, if anything he doesn’t know if it’s alright to keep his lips glued on mine 24-7 now or not. He really was adorable, all nervous and everything… I think it’s more about how much closer we are now, not the physical act. I wanted it so bad because I wanted him to know how much I cared. That’s what made it so special. I think Remus finally gets it, you know? And at any rate, I’ve stopped worrying about whether or not he’s actually serious or if he plans on leaving again. It’s a little depressing to think this might not last forever. What am I supposed to do when he graduates, or he finds another ridiculous reason to get rid of me? And while we’re on the topic, why can’t I live without him? How am I supposed to when–?

Oh never mind. I don’t even want to think about June.

[bella]

Uh huh. So. That whole “break the habit” thing…?

Yeeeeeeeeah… >.>

God, I ruined a perfectly good day by being stupid. But it was Drake, what else was I supposed to do? Don’t answer that. Ugh, boys are so – man, why does it always come down to fighting? Sid needs to go join Reg in that dead hole. He’s such a tyrant. And Drake so does not need any of his crap right now. I meant to ask him how his whole family situation was going… This is just ridiculous.

What happened: Remus and I were coming back inside, run into a big crowd, Drake and Sid fighting, I try to break them apart, someone hit me, broken nose, Remus gets Drake off and I guess Rabastan got Sid off.

Lovely, hmm?

I feel so bad! Remus got a black eye and I’m sure he’s still sore. All because I’m a compulsive mess. You know, I really don’t want him to leave but I don’t get why he keeps me, either. What good am I to him?

…well alright, moving on.

We went up to the Hospital Wing and Rabastan was just being – well, his “normal” self or whatever. He likes being a jerk whenever other people are around. I don’t get it. He’s so nice and then such a nuisance. Enough so to get on Remus’ nerves. Like, majorly. I stood between them most of the time just so they wouldn’t start attacking each other. Did I already say I got a broken nose/ Now that was fun, geez. Oh my God and Rabastan’s hand, gross. It was like – all twisted and messed up. He never did tell me how he managed that. Oh! But, I do have something to note…

I think Rabastan got a new tattoo for Khai.

Sickly romantic, don’t you think?

It’s this really pretty rose, but it’s wilting and covered in rain drops. It’s not big or anything, but I noticed it while Remus was with Madam Pomfrey. Rabastan got mad at me when I asked about it, so that’s why I’m guessing it has to do with Khai. It’s, needless to say, a sore topic for him. Now, see, while we were talking I really wished he’d get better. I hoped he’d find his direction again, and stop being such a wreck. Maybe I feel bad for him. I honestly don’t know. But whatever it is, Remus doesn’t want it there. I promised him I’d stay away from Rabastan…

…but I don’t want to.

I can’t bring myself to put Rabastan higher up then Remus, though. He doesn’t deserve to be there. A few act of kindness don’t grant him unlimited trust but he does…well, he does get my…friendship? Not sure. Remus can’t tell me to stay away from my friends. But Rabastan isn’t exactly a friend and I’m listening to Remus anyways so that points a bit invalid, now isn’t it? This should be proof enough for me, really. I mean, seriously: leave it to Rabastan to come and cause problems just when Remus and I were finally back up on our feet.

[bella]

New Year’s Resolutions

1.) Stop getting into fights. It’s a stupid habit and needs to be broken once and for all.
2.) Spend more time with friends. Less time being absorbed in one thing, person, or place.
3.) Remember Remus is being a good boyfriend, not an over protective jerk.
4.) Stop hanging out with Rabastan Lestrange. He’s an irritation that doesn’t deserve my attention.
5.) Stop breaking promises.

Oh, and:

6.) Don’t forget Christmas.[/blockquote][/color][/font]

[bella]

Well, good news for once:

1.) I’m making progress with NYR#2. Johnny’s pretty down about the whole fallout with Jenna, and his uh, gayness. (Is that even a word?) Anyways, so we were talking today and we agreed to meet up tomorrow after classes. I don’t really know what we’ll be doing, but it doesn’t truly matter. I’m just happy I can help him out, and get in some good friend-time. He’s such a good guy, it really sucks all this crap is happening to him. People need to shut their mouths and stop talking about him.

2.) Even after our note and I kind of felt like slapping Remus for being such a downer on my friendship parade (or whatever) I reminded myself it’s not his fault he’s worried (NYR#3). It’s mine and my silly antics. Which has some relevance to NYR#1 since I’m trying to actually stay out of trouble instead of willing go find it. His protectiveness is kinda cute, anyways. When he’s being rational about it, at least. I do wonder if it’s merely fate that I continually create problems without meaning to. Am I destined to remain this way for the rest of my life? Ugh.

3.) NYR#4 is sort of making progress. Rabastan smiled at me when I passed him leaving class and I didn’t do a single thing but turn my head away. Never mind that I felt kind of bad about doing so.

[bella]

Now, see – why does he do this to me?

It’s too hard to stay mad at him when he says things like that. Which I guess is his point…but still. He’s right, of course. I don’t want to be told who I am and am not allowed to hang out with. And, I guess I see where he’s coming from but – well, Rabastan isn’t… I just think he needs some help. And that maybe I could give that to him. For Remus to step in and say that’s not okay bugs me. And I wouldn’t purposefully go about doing something if I knew he didn’t like it if it made sense. But – I think he’s wrong about Rabastan. Yet I can’t help but sit here and want to try and do better. I don’t want to make Remus worry. I can’t have it both ways.

But I don’t want to choose, either.

[bella]

I punched Rabastan.

Like, really.

I can’t keep doing this. He can not keep doing this. I don’t care how many problems he has in his life. When his temper starts interfering with my friend’s safety that’s where I draw the line. I guess I just thought with some time maybe I could help him out, you know? I mean, sadly enough I get what’s he’s going through. It hurts when you’re alone. But that doesn’t give you free reign to just punch random people all because they say your ex’s name. So, yeah, basically Johnny and mine’s “hanging out” time ending up being “oh my God I need to get you to the Hospital Wing” time. I hope Rabastan’s face still hurts. It’s the first thing I thought of. And he did go away. Now I just need to keep him away.

I think Remus found out. He hasn’t talked to me all day. Because obviously I wasn’t able to prance back over to him and say I told you so. Something bad did happen. Stupid Rabastan. If Remus won’t even look at me anymore… Ugh. At this rate I won’t have to worry about what’s going to happen after graduation.

Ew. Okay not thinking about that.

Rabastan’s a jerk and I, apparently, am not celebrating Valentine’s Day. End of story.

[bella]

Day two of avoidance.

Yeah. He definitely knows.

[bella]

…okay, so I admit: I liked the silence better.

He wants to meet up tomorrow after dinner. I’m in trouble. What am I supposed to do? I can’t keep saying I’m sorry and promise things that…well, that I do intend on keeping but it always – uh, backfires. Majorly. In the worst possible way.

Right. So I’ve just got one question: how can one person do so much damage?

[bella]

To be quite honest: I’m drained. However, I think I got one of the best sleeps I’ve ever had last night. Only one night could top it. Ha. It’s just… Well, I did end up going and seeing Remus. Not after Tyson getting on my case about Rabastan and then me getting on Rabastan’s case about me. He’s such a – oh, I don’t know. He’s just so there and I’m tired of it. I really tried to look at this from Remus’ point of view and I guess… Well, I guess I get it as much as I ever will. He worries about me. That isn’t so hard to understand. And, really…it wasn’t so to the extreme…

Alright forget it: yes world, Isabella Marie Swan was wrong again and Remus John Lupin was right again.

There. Now don’t we all just feel so much better? -.-

Well, anyways. Long story short Remus and I made up. The terms are simple: I stop performing reckless stunts; Remus stays. Is it silly I can’t…picture myself without him anymore? I feel kind of bad almost, because I know I fill up a lot of his time… And I mean, well let’s review how well my last outing with a friend worked out. That’s another: I need to get my social life back. So, here we go:

Revised NYR’s

1.) Find my social life.
2.) Be a good girlfriend.
3.) Be a good friend.
4.) Ignore Rabastan. (And other unhealthy influences.)
5.) Don’t forget Christmas.

Oh, and uh…“P.S.” – Guess this means Valentine’s is back on. ;]

[bella]

Can we just take a moment and talk about how ridiculous it is that Remus has never been to a school dance before? He is in his seventh year! His last year and he’s trying to sell that he’s never, ever been to one? I really thought his social life was a bit bigger then that, geez. I mean, I know he’s…quiet. Most of the time. When he’s outside his normal group of friends? Something like that. He just isn’t that…open. And I get that. But never?! I think I’ve only missed one. Maybe two. There was that one time in my forth year. I was sick or something. I swear, there must have been… Oh! Yeah, Tai was going to take me to one once. But he got stuck on patrol or…something. I guess I’ve just always had dates before. Wow, that sounds really self-centered, doesn’t it? I haven’t noticed Remus’ absence every time because I’ve always been with someone else? I swear, he’s got to be lying to me. Never. Unbelievable. It’s not like no one would’ve asked him. Whatever. He’s coming with me to this one and I guess that’s all I really care about. He kind of freaked out about the whole “dance” concept, though. I am not going to put that much effort into my dress to have it be wasted sitting there. I want my dance. Which he’s agreed to give me if I, and I do quote, give him me afterwards. Isn’t that cute? I really should be a little weirded out in all reality, but I just think it’s funny. I spent a lot of time waiting for him to catch up. Now he’s sort of…racing miles ahead. Definitely not complaining, though. This is one of the rare times in my life where the odds are win-win.

[bella]

Day of the dance. Day of the dance. Day of the dance.

Can I make it anymore clear how much I’m freaking out? I’m a girl, I get excited over these sort of – oh!

Happy Valentine’s Day! ♥

Already seen Remus today. I think he’s still got the bittersweet feeling around him. He’s always happy when I’m happy, but unfortunately my happy kind of involves him in a tux later so he’ll look the part of my dancer partner. He’s going to look so cute. We’ve already gone over the whole “we can’t clash” thing, too. Which does brings us right back around to freaking out, yeah? I really hope this dance goes…better…then the last one. Honestly, if Regulus and Ethan make another scene… You know, I just can’t be there to try and pick up the pieces. He never wanted me to be, anyways. Ethan’s kind of different, though. Not then since now, but I assume that’s a fair assumption, but just…well. Ethan’s Ethan. He’s got a little part of me somewhere, you know? Don’t know how it happened but I want to be a good friend to him. I should be able to return that sort of favor. Regulus on the other hand… Who on earth is he going with, anyways? Not that I particularly care. Oh! I wonder if Ethan’s actually going to ask Indigo out?! I realize she and I aren’t on good terms… But she still makes Ethan happy. Wonder if he’s asked her. Hmm. I should have asked Annie today. She might know. Guess it’s a little late now. I have to go get ready. Lots to do!