Bella's Babble

[bella]

It was Annie. Andromeda Black. One of my best friends did all that to Johnny. UGH. In the aftermath I’m still annoyed with her. She probably deserves it, even if I feel bad for saying that. How can anyone do something like that to someone else? Much less a friend. Would she ever do that to me? If it ever came down to picking between Bella the friend and Bella the sister, is she going to pick the sister? It isn’t fair of me to question it. But how can I not? I told her we’re okay. And I meant it. But…goodness, Annie, what have you gotten yourself in to? And for that matter, are you gunna drag me down with you?

[bella]

Maybe I should ask Rabastan if he wouldn’t mind taking me out into the Forbidden Forest and showing me around sometime, really late at night, since I obviously feel the need to go out there, for whatever reason. Right.

I’ve started having nightmares again. And Ryan’s in them now. Why should I even be thinking about him? It’s bad, though, worst than before. I can see him places. And even in the magical world, that’s not normal. I guess I’ve always known something was wrong with me but really? I thought I was just joking. Guess not. It’s just weird more than anything. What am I supposed to think? The best I’ve come up with is now that I’m all wrapped up in the past again, he’s decided he needs to make an appear, too. Skeletons in the closet and all that. I wish I could control this better. But it never goes away. I have strange dreams when I’m stressed. That’s all there is too it, really. My brain’s way of going through things.

I need to find a better way to handle this kind of stuff.

[bella]

[bella]

So…I pulled Mr. Digby today. Remember him? I know it’s stupid but talking to a stuff animal makes me feel better. A lot of things I do are stupid. But hey, if it helps, I guess. I stuffed him in my bag and went down to the greenhouses. I like it down there because of all the plants and stuff. It’s really peaceful just sitting around the place. My favorite is green house four. It has more dangerous plants in it. There’s this one, I don’t know what it is, but if you tap on the glass it like, starts hitting back. It’s kind of funny to watch. Although I can’t imagine it’s actually healthy for it. They always seem just as lively each time I go there, though, so…obviously there isn’t much damage. Whatever. Like I was saying, I took Mr. Digby down there. I was sitting outside, just up against the glass, and let him out for a while. I don’t know if he can actually register that half the time he’s a stuff animal, but he always seems extra energetic every time I let him run around for a while. He likes to cuddle, too, which I think is funny. Most of the time puppies won’t sit still for that long. I guess that’s his, ah, stuffed nature to want to be held, though. He’s a weird little toy but I love him. He doesn’t look at me funny when I talk about dumb things. Or about stuff that no one would really care for. Today’s topic was Ryan. I told him about my dreams. Nightmares. Whatever they are. It’s just creepy, thinking about him. I never meant to do anything to him. Well…okay, I guess that isn’t entirely truthful. I wanted him to hurt. Not to die. Seriously, most people just like, randomly levitate or make something pop out of thin air. What’s my first real sign of magical powers? Death. Death. I can’t be the only person on the planet who thinks that’s completely wrong. Why couldn’t I just like, make a dog appear? I really wish Mr. Digby could be living all the time. He’s so fun. Kind of fills up the hole sometimes. It’d be nice if he could fill up the hole, all the time.

[bella]

I have the best news ever: I have the best news ever.

This is actually super refreshing! Ha, I’m excited just to document it. Alright, well, today Sirius and I, we’re friends, of course, and you know, I’ve just been really nervous because it’s been so long since I first found out about…well, Remus and his little issue of sorts. I’ve never actually talked to Sirius about it, though. Or what he thought I knew. And what I did actually know. But oh my gosh, we finally hung out for a bit today and we cleared everything up. I feel so much better, it’s ridiculous. I kind of think the fact that I’ve been lacking in any real good news makes the little things seem that much more amazing. It’s at least one weight off my shoulders. Like I’m not lying to Sirius anymore. All goes back to that “half truth” nonsense. Or if you just don’t say anything about what is true, is it really a lie? Whatever. It’s off my conscience, that’s all I care about. Sirius actually makes a super cute dog. I know he’s still the same guy on the inside, but I just wanted to wrap him up in my arms and never let go. Afterwards though, it just kind of got me thinking about Jesse. I always miss him. Just knowing someone’s there when the rest of the world isn’t. It’s just what dogs do. I’m probably the only person who finds it funny that I (sort of) wound up dating a canine.

[bella]

Sorella! La mia bonta, I feel like it’s been too long already. I really hope you don’t mind me sending this. I just felt so…so solitario. Ridiculous, no? Mum says it’s normal, but you know, she’s required to say that as my mother. I’ve told her about you. I mean, I know you said you didn’t mind if I did but…well, sometimes people are not most sincere in what they mean. She’s nearly passed out, oh how I wish you could have been there. Not that it would have been very good if you were. Ha. Awk-ward. No offense. But you are the baby that separated my parents. Flip side is I’m the daughter that made your father even want an affair. Malone’s and Swan’s make up a nice attorcigliato family, don’t we? I mean nothing by it, of course. Just stating facts. Though I recall all the sensitive genes passed over me and you got overdosed, right? (;

I hope this letter finds you well. I had to borrow Mum’s owl. He’s a little matto if you know what I mean. We’ve almost just finished moving into our new home. It’s absolutely gorgeous. I’ve missed Italy so much, it’s a place like none other. Mum feels better now that we’ve moved. Got rid of some guilt form taking me away from here in the first place, probably. I just wish she would have figured that out before we moved at all. Then I would have never met you, though, so perhaps the switch was a good thing. It’s nice knowing I’ve got a sister, half or not. We’ve got a while to go still, though. You’re favorite color is still blue, isn’t it? Shouldn’t have changed in a mere week. I really hope I haven’t come across as too pushy. I like to think of it as a sharp personality. That and I just think I ought to know who my sister is.

Ah, there’s Mum now. She needs help unpacking our kitchen. Write back soon, okay? I want to know if this found you alright. Take care, Tesoro!

[bella]

Verge! Oh, heaven’s no I don’t mind you writing to me. I told you that you could! I admit I was kind of confused when an owl actually landed in front of me during the post. I mean…I almost never get letters. Ms. Drivels writes occasionally, but that’s about it. Your guys’ owl was really cute; he started drinking out of Rachel’s cup. I guess it was a long flight after all. He’s got kind of a screwy feather, did you know? It sticks out off his head a little bit. I tried to flatten it back out but it kept popping back up and then he just got irritated with me. By the way, this is Peanut, my owl. If he’s trying to peck at you just give him something to eat. That’s all he wants. He’d kind of a pig.

What did your mom say about me? I can’t imagine how that conversation could possibly go… Geez, I’m sorry you went through that at all. No offense taken, of course. I mean, I can see what you mean. Gregory’s kind of just…well, he’s a real slim ball, isn’t he? It’s weird to think if he’d just been a faithful husband I wouldn’t be here. Though if not him, then some other lonely guy in a bar. Ugh, please don’t get me started up on that again. My family history is just a mess. I wish I just had some like, crazy rich grandfather that I just don’t know about. Ha, that’d be nice, wouldn’t it? Money’s no substitute for an actual functional family, though. At least you have your mom. She sounds really nice. I don’t know if I could ever ask her to think the same thing about me. I’m not sure how I’d be able to look at a child and now she’s the result of a lousy husband’s lousy decisions. Understandable if she just, hates my guts. I would. That’s what The Sensitive One does, Heartless One. =P

I’m doing okay. Won’t lie and say I’m fantastic. Truth is I kind of have a lot going on. But, when don’t I? Exams to study for and everything. I hate the end of the year, there’s just way too much to do. It scares me a little, knowing next year I’ll be doing this alone. The whole Hogwarts thing, I guess. Remus, my boyfriend? Do you remember him? Probably would, he’s in your House. He’s taller than me, brown hair, blue eyes, kinda scruffy? He hangs out with James Potter a lot. Well, anyway, Remus is graduating this year. I think I’m more nervous than he is. Next year’s going to stink without him here. And then I just haven’t been sleeping good and bad dreams and…well, I really don’t need to fill up a whole new sheet with my problems. I’m glad you’re doing well. You’ll have to send me a picture of the house. I’m sure you and your mom will make it look, what did you call it, “Vertastic?” (I still think that’s a silly word.)

Again, sorry if Peanut’s a pest.

Best Regards,

[bella]

It’s getting worse. I can’t sleep. I see him. All the time now. He’s dead. I know he’s dead. What does this mean? Am I really crazy? It’s just a dream. A nightmare. But it’s like he’s there. He’s really there. Staring at me. Like he wants something. This is the stupid stuff you see in movies. If it’s all fake, why can’t I sleep? I’m scared. I’m scared. This can’t be healthy. Everyone else is sleeping. It’s almost two in the morning. Of course they’re sleeping. I should be sleeping. What did I do? What can I do? I hate this. Hate. It’s just my mind. Playing tricks. A dream. Just a dream. My nightmare. Come to life? Please, I just want peaceful sleep. Help. Please. Oh God. He’s here aga

[bella]

Guess who’s in the Hospital Wing.

Again.

Remus made me come. If he hadn’t thought Ryan was some other guy I was seeing, I might have put up more of a fight in this decision. Ryan. My “other boyfriend?” Yeah right. I wish. Well. Not that way but I’m pretty sure dealing with two boyfriends would be easier than dealing with one over-concerned one and a dead kid. That’s real cheerful, isn’t it? Sorry, I’m being cynical. All morbid joking aside, apparently I really have lost my mind. It’d be nice if I were joking, but I just said we were done with those, didn’t I? Madam Pomfrey wants to keep me here a few days just to make sure the medication doesn’t have any weird side effects. Like I’m not already weird enough. The hallucinations have slowed down though… I feel stupid. “Hallucinations.” I’m surrounded by psycho ward terminology again. Maybe I should just move in permanently. Obviously it’s where my mind wants to be. I just…can’t believe this. I’m crazy. Delirious. I’m on medication for crying out loud. I mean I know I’ve always laughed about it but – seriously? I…there’s honestly something wrong with my brain? I don’t even have anyone to talk about it with. I mean, I’m sure Remus would listen if I asked but… Well, he’s already done more than his fair share. He’s cute and obnoxious when he’s worried over me. Which as of right now is kind of constantly. It’s nice that he’s so protective and all but, whenever he asks me if he can get me anything…what the heck am I supposed to say, “a new brain?” The question gets tiring. I know he knows it but he always asks anyway. At least he’s been keeping his mouth shut about it. I think. I don’t exactly want this publicized. Last thing I need is for Rita to get a hold on “Hogwarts newest nut job.” I just have to survive a few more weeks. That’s it. Then I can go back to Ms. Drivels’ place and regroup. I might have to take therapy. How lame is that? I guess it solves my problem of not having anyone to talk to but when I said that, I didn’t mean some stranger that’s paid to feel concern for me. Whatever. If it helps, I guess. Although to be honest I’d rather just blab to Ethan. He’s my unofficial therapist, no? Except I’d rather not damage my already damaged impression on fellow classmates. If I’m going to actually act like a crazy person it should at least be with someone who’s expecting it out of me. (Let’s not cover what other people expect from me. It might be too depressing.) Because I’m supposed to be thinking happy thoughts. (:

…right.

[bella]

Pompom raised my dose today.

I think it’s made me loOoOoOoOopy.

[bella]

I’ve got to admit, I think I liked the weird side effects more than I do the bodily adjustments. At least when I’m high off medication I’m happy. Now I’m just kind of back to the phase of knowing something’s wrong with my head so I’ve got to take pills for it. Madam Pomfrey is nice enough about it, I guess. But she’s a nurse. She’s suppose to be. She said I could probably get back to normal life tomorrow. I’ve got some homework to do. Not that exciting, but at least normal.

In other news, Sirius’ birthday is coming up. I wonder if he’s doing anything for it. I mean, you don’t turn 18 every day, you know? Pretty sure we’re suppose to make a big deal about this one. Wonder what he wants.

Think he would laugh if I got him a dog bone?

[bella]

Ha! Look who’s brilliant? Talked to Pierre today. Guess Marlene is trying to throw together some huge surprise party for Sirius. Wonder if that’s the old baggage coming out. Everyone and their dog (no pun intended) knows about them. Or what was once them. Whatever, Marlene knows how to throw a good party, so it should be fun. Now I just have to figure out how to get Remus to come. I mean, it is Sirius so he should just be going anyway but Remus is so awkward when it comes to social gatherings. Boy needs to learn how to shelf his Prefect ways for just a little while. Nothing a cute dress couldn’t fix, right? For me of course, not him. We don’t really need another repeat of that dress bet. Ludo is ridiculous. Whatever. I am excited though. Really. I think getting out might do me some good. Spending time with Madam Pomfrey is probably more damaging to your brain than it is helpful. She is nice, I guess. I just feel like I’m seeing too much of her lately. Can’t even blame it on a crazy boyfriend this time. This one is aaaaall me.

There. Accepting responsibility isn’t that hard.

[bella]

Bonta! That bird is just so ridiculous. Yes, I know about his feather. His kind of a frantic one, he is. Sorry about his temper!

You know, you should see if you could visit over the summer! I’m certain Mum would like you if she got to know you. Then maybe we could catch up some, you know? Seventeen years is a bit to cover, but we could do it. I’ll ask her, if you’d like? It could be real divertimento. Just think about it. The offer will stand. Plus, you could stay herrre:

Magnifico, no? Ours is the one on the left. I love living in the city. You can sit on your front porch and watch all the cute boys walk by. A few brave ones have come up to say hi. (; Of course that means nothing to you now, does it? Yes, I remember the Remus boy. He’s quite the looker. Lucky you and all. Has he really never dated anyone before? I really find that hard to believe. Someone who looks like that is alone by choice, not because they can’t get dates. And he has a personality. How’d you win out with him? There are a few around here who are to-die-for-handsome but they all lack common sense. Silly American’s think we’re so chic, but they’re blinded by the accent, I swear. Not that I’m complaining. It’s the perfect little tool, eh?

Look, I don’t know what to say about the nightmares. Chill about grad, though. You’re going to stress the kid out if you bring it up all the time. Here’s what you do: find some cute jammies, get some sweets, curl up with the boy and make it happen. (; You just need some down time.

Best of luck. ♥

Toodles!

[bella]

Oh! I…really don’t know if I could impose like that. I mean…well, I’m not sure what I’m doing over the summer yet anyway. That’s sweet of you to offer and all, but…I mean no offense, it’s just…I’ve got a lot already. Your house looks really nice, though. I’m sure the inside is already lathered with Malone touch? I’m so envious that your mom’s a designer. What a dream job. Of course I have little to no special reference, but that’d still be fun.

Why does everything have to be innuendo’s with you? Remus is my boyfriend, remember. I’d appreciate it if you’d stop talking about him like you wanna do him. =P I thought you liked Noah, anyway? Still equally awkward, but at least I’m not dating Noah.

We did go out the other day, though. It was Sirius’ birthday. Big one-eight. I wore a little blue dress, and Remus seemed happy enough. Sometimes he treats me like glass but what can you do? It can be endearing, I guess. It was a pretty decent evening. Met up with a few people, had a few drinks, the likes. A much needed party. Nightmares are still…well, I’m dealing with it.

[bella]

Whatever you wanna do, girly. Like I said, the offer stands. Now, it’s not myyy fault you’re boy toy’s a cute little thing. But I’ll refrain from describing him that way to you from now on. Swear. Glad you had fun at the party! Sorry to be so brief, but I’m about to head out and have a little party myself. Meeting up with Basilio! (: