i could write it better then you ever felt it

[rabastan]

[rabastan]

[- stop burning bridges – drive off them -]

when: sunday
where: dorm
mood: irritated
phrase: f**k off

Just for the record, I:

a.) hate Hogwarts
b.) hate Regulus Black
c.) hate following orders

Seems like I’m in a tough spot. I can’t do much about the first one until I (thank God) graduate. And because I’m stuck in this hell hole I get the displeasure of being around Reggy, who’s pretty high ‘n mighty on his pedestal that I plan on knocking down one of these days. Ending at the last one, guess who I get to act like I care about? Oh joy, another point for Mr. Black. Excuse me while I go barf up my lunch.

The contents of the orders I’ve been given
and forced to follow
shall remain off the record.

Cracks me up that someone so unstable is the one getting free reign on leadership here. The Yule Ball was a hysterical event; I actually paused in making out to watch it. Ms. Whore herself ran back to the cowardly lion and ill-tempered Regulus couldn’t handle watching the love confession. I don’t know what he’s so upset about; she’d hardly worth being around. So fixated on herself it’s hard to get a word in. Only similarity between them? I hate them both. How unfortunate for them. Cartier got a nice beating though, but I refuse to commend Regulus on his work. He doesn’t deserve my praise after that little display of erratic emotion.

And here I am forced into abiding my his rules, of all people. They should be listening to me, someone who’s actually prepared to commit something so foul. If he can’t stand a break up how’s he gunna go through with it? I won’t even be in the same room (knows I’d beat him to the job). I’m being short changed here and Regulus will realize what a horrid mistake that was on his part soon enough.

You think I’m kidding?

Think again.

_____
page:
01

[rabastan]

[- loaded god complex; cock it and pull it -]

when: tuesday
where: dorm
mood: indifferent
phrase: poison wine? hardly. try venomous snake.

And will they ever learn? I have been interrogated by three different sources today, which isn’t so surprising but what makes it note worthy was the outcome. Let’s start at the beginning, where we find our Slytherin hero trying to mind his own business and having an annoying little raven bouncing around. What would any sensible, warm hearted man do? Tell her to shove of. But she keeps coming back, daring you to lash out and who are you to deny anyone their will? You toss the girl to one side and bear your wand at her throat, promising you won’t be so nice next time. Common sense finally remembers to poke in every now and again and she scurries off all the meanwhile tears are streaming down her ugly face.

You try to return to your once serene state but are too fixated on the world’s stupidity to really enjoy yourself when another bigger and an equally pathetic raven shows up trying to defend the other. You just spent the last half hour dealing with the prissy so you’re a little fed up with mind games. You strike again, only this time it is more fulfilling. You’re set on blood lust, wanting the prey to scream in agony so that he may remember what happens when you try to mess with a Lestrange. He cries, you laugh, he fires back, you fire harder. He comes to an embarrassing defeat that involves being whacked around by the blessed Willow a few times, though you don’t escape without your own injuries – and they were oh so worth it, watching the raven shiver in total defeat and complete fright. He had forgotten just how powerful you were – he knows now; he will (for his own good) leave you alone now.

Our hero is broken, but nonetheless a victor as he saunters off to tend to his wounds. We now find him at the lakeside, trying once again to find peace with himself but ribs aching too painfully to really find comfort – until, yes, the loser’s girlfriend shows up and attempts to show you compassion, unaware that just out of eye sight is who she should really be taking care of. You cherish the turn of events, make the best out of your misery – milk your injuries for what their worth, roll off a few lies, and play the poor hero damaged from battle oh so cunningly as she slowly fall downward into your hurting arms. You’ve caught her, snagged her precious heart because that bas**rd cheated on her, didn’t you know? He doesn’t deserve you; no, I do.

Suddenly your day is brighter, because you’ve been reminded just how persuasive you can be and just how fun it is to be the bad guy in disguise.

_____
page:
02

[rabastan]

[- we’ve got a war – but who are you fighting for -]

when: wednesday
where: dorm
mood: pissed
phrase: murderous pleasure – law abiding?

Harper’s Current Stats:

• Broken ribs
  
• Broken/fractured leg
  
• Partial blindness in one eye
  
• Total blindness in other eye

Hit List:

• Rodolphus – the ringleader; that f**king bas**rd
  
• Amelie – jealous best friend; and I’ll give her a chance?
  
• Bellatrix – she will be beaten; it’s a nice exchange

There will be retributions for this criminal action taken against me for dating Harper. Getting kicked out of this place would be worth it just to see the look of sheer terror and pain inflicted upon said faces. I am personally going to hunt Rodo down and punch him straight into next week. Next we have dear Bella, who is permanently second on the hate list. Because Amelie…perhaps she should get a whole list of her own. She can be categorized as:

a.) best friend
b.) worst enemy
c.) perfect match

And now you can see my dilemma. She’s so stubborn it’s infuriating. I can’t stand her and I can’t live without her either. I don’t even think we came to an agreement today. I’ve made things only worse, more complicated then they were yesterday. We’re friends – of course I’m obligated to care for her but in what book does it state I have to confess love for the girl simply because we’re friends? She expects a lot more out of me then I can give her right now. If she could stand to be in the same room with me that is.

Off the record: first fight ever with Amelie occurred today.

She fluctuates between hating and loving me – why are girls so complicated? I used to be able to read her perfectly fine, at ease with myself and getting a kick out of guessing what she’d say before she said it. And now I have to dodge a blow from her wand or hand – and likewise. The guards have been put up – and god it’s aggravating. Should I force her to stay friendly with me despite my current status as Slytherin’s number one traitor or let her go? Give up in good grace or go down fighting with a loud and pronounced bang?

That remains to be seen.

And is it even worth fighting for?

Yes.

Damn.

_____
page:
03

[/color][/blockquote]

[rabastan]

[- cause i’ll keep singing this lie if you’ll keep believing it
i hope you sing along and you steal a line -]

when: saturday
where: dorm
mood: lustful
phrase: ego maniac or reputation sensitive?

Harper and her stupid rule. I’m starting to regret my decision in promising her I’d never do anything she’d disapprove of but – let’s face it: she should have known full well that at the end of the day if I don’t get more then a stupid kiss on the cheek I’m a little testy. Amelie doesn’t have stupid rules. I guess on a positive note, if I had to find one, it’d be that Harper can sing bloody well brilliant. She nearly put me to sleep, but in the good calming way not the “wow, this sucks – napping would be a better use of my time” way. And for once I got to show up my bass. I hate keeping it stuffed up in its case, but if the school was aware of Slytherin’s personal executioner’s musical talents – yeah, I would be screwing myself over. I prefer being screwed in other ways, if you get my drift.

Perhaps I made some progress in that whole department – Harper seemed to be swaying between right and wrong for a moment there – but her silly virginity won over. Honestly, it’ll happen sooner or later. What’s so wrong with sooner? This is becoming just a little more infuriating then my whole deal with Ms. Stubborn, I-hate-you-I-love-you. Not to mention she’s made it very clear she’s still rather upset with me. I’ve had to deal with more crap lately then I think I ever had – and it’s all from her. If ditching Harper is what it takes to see Amelie her smiling again I might just consider.

Maybe.

_____
page:

04

[/right][/color][/blockquote]

[rabastan]

[rabastan]

[- bulletproof loneliness at best -]

when: sunday
where: dorm
mood: thoughtful
phrase: reputation sensitive it is.

Well now – and just when you thought life couldn’t get any worse. You would think a party might just liven my spirits but I think I’m already dreading it and it hasn’t even happened. Part of me is contemplated that it’s suicidal to even consider entering a room with Slytherins crammed and alcohol galore as it’s only occupants. Not the smartest move I could make in my history, I know, but it’s for little Sev – little because as far as I know this will be the first actual party he’s ever been at and not to mention it’s for him. I guess this is just me feeling the need to be supportive. I might get a new drinking buddy out of this if he can learn how to drink firewhiskey without hurling it back up again. Fifteenth birthday party – hysterical. I will never forget that. Though somehow I get this gut feeling that young Severus will always be the designated driver type of person. Maybe this party is an act of rebellion – convincing himself otherwise perhaps? Whatever, it’s not like I care. All I have to do is down three bottles and I’ll be good for the night. Nothing like a case of firewhiskey to make you forget why you life is so f**ked up.

Amelie is doing a nice job of staying away from me and when she is around it’s because she’s trying to get better aim at my face. If it was anyone else besides her they would have been dead in five minutes flat, but I can’t just – after our episode even glancing at her sourly makes me feel sh*ty. I hate it. It was a lot easier to hate her yesterday then it is right now. I’m finally noticing her absence I guess, and it sucks. That’s another thing I hate: sayings. Ever notice how they’re always true?

You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

_____
page:
05

[/color][/blockquote]

[rabastan]

^{*Extensive swearing present.}

[- the hand behind this pen relives a failure every day -]

when: saturday
where: dorm
mood: livid
phrase: hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

That is the last time I ever go to one of Sev’s party. I now know why he nevers hosts them – because they f**king suck. My night was screwed over from the very beginning but I decided to go anyways. I was even going to play nice. All I wanted was my drink and I’d be happy. But could I do that? No, of course because heaven forbid Rabastan Lestrange gets even five seconds worth of peace. I don’t know what I would do without that bi*ch – Cissy really does get a kick out of being, well, Narcissa. I will personally wring her throat one of these days. First I’ve got Amelie breathing down my neck and now it’s the entire house. I don’t remember Mr. Perfect Black getting harassed this badly. If I’d have known this was the reaction I’d be getting for dating Harper I would have given him hell about Indigo. Compared to this I was being f**king nice! But of course, you don’t know what led to my world’s destruction, do you? Of course not you worthless piece of sh*t. Writing things down only makes me furious. I don’t know why I do this. Mother and her stupid traditions. Honestly, I’m going to have to have a very firm word about keeping track of my personal history on record. I don’t see what the big deal is.

And if you weren’t such a mindless object you’d realize this is all a vain attempt to keep from letting myself think about her – this time the title of “her” goes to Miss Piper. Right up there with Narcissa. Bi*ch #1 invites Marlene of all people to our Slytherin only party and well, I needed a good f**k. Hopelessly I search for her attention, get it, and then am pulverized by Bi*ch #2. Amelie and her big mouth. She caused the biggest scene. It completely ruined Sev’s party. Suddenly I get to be the center of attention and really the last thing I want right now is human companionship. Screw the world. The only person’s opinion that I used to give a damn about doesn’t give a damn about me. There went the foundations of my friend life. I have managed to royally screw myself over in less then a week all because of a stupid blonde. It’s over. Harper is not worth this. If it weren’t so late I’d just go track her down right now. She deserved to be frightened out of her mind when she hears someone banging on the door and getting ready to blast it down. I’m ready to blast her face off by this point. It’d go nicely with her blind eye.

Her sight isn’t any better. I hate looking at her – it hurts. It’s my fault she’s even that way to begin with. If I just get rid of her now she won’t be my problem any more and she can go cuddle up with Bones’ in the hospital wing. They deserve each other: they’re both absurdly spineless, neither of them have enough brains to keep away from things that could seriously damage their health (i.e. me), not to mention they’re both complete idiots and it’s almost shameful someone so revolting walks this earth. It’s time to stop associating myself with such filth. It hasn’t done me any good. This is why purebloods are just that much better – you don’t have to deal with sh*t like this. Unless of course you’re dear Cissy – she’s as good as dead to me. Taking such drastic measures just to publicly humiliate me – she really should have known what she was getting herself into. What a fool. I almost pity her. But not enough.

Did I mention I got to play medic? That’s right – Amelie was so pissed by my display of affection for Marlene was the does she do? Slap her. Right there, in front of everybody. And then she’s got the nerve to ask me what it is that “I want from her.” She knows bloody well I just don’t want to be nagged on every second she’s around. F**k I want way more then that – I want to be her friend again; I want to be able to talk to her and not be ridiculed over a mistake; I want to be able to look at her and actually see she’s enjoying my company and not trying to figure out the best way to murder me. Hate doesn’t play well in her eyes when it’s aimed entirely at the wrong person. Really, it’s just not fitting. She needs to grow up and stop being such a baby. I will get rid of Harper and I will make her see that if she thinks I’m going to keep away from her after this she’s a bigger idiot then I thought. I hate her with a fiery passion that’s about as vain as vain gets – no matter how hard I try I can’t hate her. I can write all this horrible stuff about her but can I make myself believe a word of it? Lying is so much easier when it’s directed at someone else.

Narcissa though, now she really is a bi*ch.

_____
page:

06

[/right][/color][/blockquote]

[rabastan]

[- you want apologies, girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever -]

when: sunday
where: dorm
mood: free
phrase: get busy dying

Swan is quite the character – thinks she’s so tough, but I beat her a*s enough to remind her where her place was. I was just minding my own business and very randomly she shouted my name. Who was I to deny her my presence if she wanted to speak with me? Besides, I needed a good kick for the day – nothing had really happened. But no, I get punched. I’m not sure what her problem is, lashing out so violently at the most strangest times. She’s a freak if I ever saw one. I scare her off but the revenge crew was at hand for not only Swan, but Lawless too. How sweet, right? I hope Kerr remembers how easy it would be for me to snap his neck in half. I would have too, if Lawless herself hadn’t shown up.

It wasn’t the ideal situation, I admit. I’d much rather preferred for things to end as quietly as they’d started. But she just had to find me when I was about to pulverize Kerr’s face. She wasn’t very pleased with me, but honestly it was hysterical. It was like she couldn’t believe I could ever be that mean. Ha. She really has a lot to learn. Hopefully she can look back on me and realize there’s more to people then meets the eye. If she believes someone’s lies she well deserved to be deceived and not disappointed when the truth comes out. The truth, in this case, being that my liking for her ended a long time ago. I more or less only proved to myself it was possible to actually make her fall in love with me. Task accomplished. Time to move on.

Too bad Amelie she still irritates me beyond all explanatory levels.

I’m pretty sure she hates me guts. Completely. She won’t even look at me anymore. It drives me insane. How am I supposed to even tell her I finally ditch Lawless if she won’t even talk to me? Frankly I’m betting on the rumor mill. Hopefully it’ll do me some good for once, because obviously she’s not willing to hear it straight from me. That bugs the sh*t out of me too. So, “moving forward” has sort of been placed on hold. I guess fixing my world is just going to have to wait another day. Hell isn’t so bad, I guess.

_____
page:

07

[/right][/color][/blockquote]

[rabastan]

[- but for what we’ve become, we just feel more alone -]

when: wednesday
where: dorm
mood: torn
phrase: just less a heart, not heartless

Latest update: she hates me for sure. Never before have I witnessed something so vile. Something so repulsive I could feel the vomit turning over in my stomach and begging to come forth; something so disturbing that it might possibly haunt me for the rest of my life however long that turns out to be; and never had I expected her to sink as low as to using Evan of all people just to piss me off. Not a big surprise Evan would like to get cozy with her, but damn – Evan? Why, honestly? He’s great and everything – okay, sure. But – God, he is so infuriating. She’s infuriating! I just wanted to go somewhere quiet but clearly the chances of me ever finding peace of mind again is just not happening. I was doomed from the start.

I went down to the pitch. I thought maybe if I could just fly fast enough, work hard enough, I might be able to forget about everything for a while but she was there. With Evan. Call it eavesdropping, fine, but could you blame me? It’s the first time I’ve ever her voice in days. I missed it. Evan was getting to close for comfort by the sounds of it so I made an appearance – promised to tear his head off if he so much as looked at her too long. And she just practically begs him too. Watching her squirm around Evan was revolting – I’m still considering breaking both his arms as soon as I get the chance. He knows very well that I’m trying to better things better myself and Amelie – why does he have to go and make things that much harder? Is murder too big of a punishment?

I couldn’t stand to watch it anymore, so I left. I needed to go hurl after that little performance. I had hoped things would go horribly – I wanted Amelie to suffer through f*cking Evan just so she’d always have that rotten memory. But she clearly didn’t want to do so, and I thought she’d pushed him over the edge. I felt like cheering her on. But then I realized it was her doing a complete freefall to earth. I went from supportive audience to petrified friend in a matter of seconds. It didn’t even matter how mad I was at her – she was about to die right before my very eyes. One way or another she managed flight, but I swear I stood there another hour just making sure. Maybe she wanted me to see her little stunt. Maybe not. Or maybe she’d thought I’d already gone – scared the crap out of Evan, that’s for sure. I hope he always remembers her body plummeting to ground and about to splatter. It’s only appropriate after taunting his affections for her right there in front of me. I can only compare the feeling to death – bottomless, meaningless death.

_____
page:
08

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[rabastan]

[- i hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle -]

when: thursday
where: dorm
mood: violent
phrase: no pain no gain

Revised Hit List:

• Evan Rosier – he needs to die. Right now.
  
• Narcissa Black – her stunt? Not amusing.
  
• Vivienne Schwartz – thorn in my side. Needs removing.
  
• Dautry – he will be eliminated. ASAP.

What is it with people trying to beat me up to help out another person? First I have Bones breathing down my neck, then I get Swan, Kerr, and now this. There’s a reason I hate mudbloods on principle. And anyone who likes them even if they’ve got the finest blood in the world (although this occurrence has yet to have happened…) Dautry is so full of himself. He will be taken came of promptly, right after I serve my…detention. I wont’ go as far as to say I deserve it, but what I did to get detention at all was deserved. That freak has kissed Lawless. Now, do I came who she kisses? Yeah right. She doesn’t kiss anybody anyways. But a professor? This guy make me look like a saint. And God the way he talked about her it was like they’d – I donno, had marriage plans or something. “She talks to me, she says this…” I could care less about what she says. It’s all crap anyways. He’s still repulsive though – and he… “Teased” is an irrelevant term; I prefer “taunted.” How he knew anything about me is beyond me, but one thing he didn’t account for was how easily my fists will talk for me. I gave him a nice black eye. It was so worth it. Now I’m faced with serving out my crime time though. He’s a blasted muggle studies teacher, so I assume it’ll be something of the likes. Maybe I’ll have to give a mudblood a hug or something. Who knows? His mind is far twisted, maybe beyond repair. I’m thinking I should just end his suffering, you know, put him to sleep…in the form of repeatedly bashing him until either his heart gives out from stress or maybe his brains get too scrabbled and he crocks that way. Either way is fine by me.

_____
page:

09

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[rabastan]

[- i’ve never seen a heart i couldn’t break -]

when: saturday
where: dorm
mood: frustrated
phrase: wtf

So. She loves me, whatever that means. And you know? I’ll tell you what it means; it means we can no longer be friends. Stupid. She quote on quote “loves” me and suddenly I’m not allowed to say hi to her in the hallways any more. I guess it is a necessary precaution: when I’m around her, it’s hard to stop myself from getting a little…riled up, lets say. It’s something I can’t help. I’ve learned how to react to the way she moves. She’s too bloody good at her own game and I’m just helpless putty in her hands. I hate that it’s true, but it is. And to make things worst, it works in reverse. I proved that today. All this was just a result of me teasing her. I’ve teased her before, and just when I’m in the right mood and ready to go indulge my lovely piece of eye candy in beautiful clothing for her to flaunt around me and allow me to remove later, she decides to – ah, there isn’t even a good enough word for it. She simply just was, and that was all I needed to forget it was a mistake. I gave up. I have in. I had to have her just one last time, if this really would be the last.

Oh, and no – we’re not talking about Amelie.

The star of today’s entry is the only and only: Khai Statton.

I can not deal with this much sh*t right now.

_____
page:
10

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[rabastan]

[- ‘cause that’s just the kinda boy i am -]

when: sunday
where: dorm
mood: triumphant
phrase: what a loser

Take that, Dautry. I didn’t punch you. I didn’t say a word. No blood, no foul. I didn’t provoke you and you didn’t provoke me. I am perfectly capable of sitting through a detention without causing a riot. You can’t go running to Dumble-arse and complain that I was a snobby little child who threw a fit. Because I didn’t.

That that.

You know where you can shove it.

_____
page:
11

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[rabastan]

[- we’re friends, good friends, just because we move units -]

when: monday
where: dorm
mood: meh
phrase: b*itch: (n.) a term of endearment

My life still may suck.

But me and B*tch #1 are friends again.

_____
page:
12

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[rabastan]

[- wishing to be the friction in your jeans -]

when, where, mood, phrase? WHATEVER

Nothing like seriously molesting a little four year to cheer you up.

And you think I’m kidding.

Though “molest” in the sense of physically violating another human being without sexual intent. Just flat out abuse.

Trapped my sweet stalker in a trane and she paid for it wonderfully. Schwartz is such a trooper – didn’t even complain until we were out in the forest already. I can’t believe I never took more notice of her before. She’s the best victim I’ve ever had the pleasure of torturing. Dumb little girl fought back. Who knew she had it in her? Between myself and Narcissa she didn’t stand any chance. We had our fun with her. She left very battered and bruised, but she doesn’t recall a thing. First step in Torture 101: always cover up the evidence. We just kicked her off at the front steps for someone to find her in the morning. I would have loved to have been there when she woke up. She was a bloody mess (literally) and doesn’t even know how it happened.

Maybe I should do it again, so I won’t miss the best part this time around.

_____
page:
13

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