i could write it better then you ever felt it

[rabastan]

[- i took a shot and didn’t even come close -]

Khai’s birthday is officially twenty-two days away. Think Bagman and her can survive that long? I don’t really think Bagman would appreciate me giving “his girlfriend” a gift as a “friend.” To him I’m just the nasty ex-boyfriend of his current anyways. The hate is mutual, my enemy. Mutual. Definitely think he needs to look into controlling it a bit better.

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[rabastan]

[- i’ll be your number one (with a bullet) -]

Welcome back to the real world. Glad you could make it, Bagman.

He broke up with her. Can you Khai’s upset and that’s certainly not anything to be grinning about. I can’t grin about her pain. No, that could never happen. But I still have felt like laughing all day long. If this were a game, Bagman is completely loosing right now. Fortunately for him this isn’t any sort of game and for as seriously as I’ve been taking all of this I can’t even begin express how great of news this is. No I can’t go and ask Khai out tomorrow night but if Bagman’s out of the picture I just got one step closer to Khai. Bagman was the only reason her stupid rules were in play, anyways. Of course they still are but now they’re just because she wants them there. Not because Bagman wants them there.

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[rabastan]

[rabastan]

[- but winning looks like loosing
(and i’m winning every time) -]

I honestly don’t care if she’s convinced she hates me. If she wants to blame this fiasco on me, I’m not going to complain. I’ll take credit for being the bigger person, sure. I mean, I am not the one who broke up with my “girlfriend” because I was so nervous about another “friend” stealing her away from me. Where are the balls in that? Oh of course, they aren’t there. It’s a bit sickening. I can’t get over the feeling of pending nausea whenever I try and picture them together. What she could ever see him someone like him…is beyond me. But it’s over now, so it’s an ever bigger waste of my time to sit and mull over it. Instead, I’m taking the active route here. Nothing is different. Different from then versus now, yes, but yesterday versus today? The same. I still have rules to follow and Khai’s still wry. Bagman is just out of her picture. He was never in mine. With or without him I’m going to go about this the right way. It starts with hello and ends…well, currently it ends in a pissed-off glare and the sway of her hips each time she stalks off. She’ll get over it. Eventually.

Khai really isn’t giving me enough credit on just how well I know her.

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[rabastan]

[- well, i guess i’m on my own -]

And so the shell begins to crack. Talked with her today. A real, “more-then-ten-word” conversation. She really has no clue what just her voice can do to me. I miss it. I want to be able to hear here, every day, listen to her talk about the most mundane of things and all the exceptionally important matters. Whatever it is, I want to hear it. I think she knows that…

Which is exactly why she’s doing her best to drive me crazy and not give it to me.

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[rabastan]

[- this might just be a waste of time -]

Slow and steady wins the race?

I’m more of a “hare” person, actually, because all this waiting is…

Tearing me apart
Pain-staking
Probably one of the worst
Really just isn’t

Aggravating. I can only go so far. Handle so much. Everyone has their breaking point, don’t they? But I’m convinced if I just keep repeating that she’s worth it… I’ll be okay. I have to be able to do this for her. For me. If for no other reason then to prove I can. I hate failing. Everyone under the sun knows it. I refuse to just drop this and give up now. She’s finally putting up with me at least. I sat by her during dinner. I wish I could have talked to her, but I didn’t. I just sat. Like a stupid, lousy trained puppy I sat by her and offered only one quick smile to even acknowledge I was aware of just who I was sitting next to. Khai tries so hard to act like she doesn’t want to be around me. She’s lying. She’s…God, she is scared of me. She knows what’s going to happen if she gets close to me.

And she knows she’d like it. So she won’t even take a step near me.

Why are girls so damnably confusing?

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[rabastan]

[- she left me for herself
(considering, i would too) -]

Well look at that. I’m scared of her, too.

I’ve got everything together. It’s all ready. Minus the butterfly. That will have to come later. (Why does she have to like butterflies, of all things?) I know what I’m doing. And I’m still worried sh*tless. What if she thinks this is all a joke? What if she laughs at me? Doesn’t care, maybe? But I have to go through with it.

I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.

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[rabastan]

[rabastan]

[- don’t say it’s over,
dead and gone, yeah -]

I think she liked it. Perhaps confused about why she had candy waiting for her this morning, but liked it nonetheless. If she only knew what I had in store for her this week.

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[rabastan]

[- i’ll remember not to tell you something stupid,
like “i’ll never leave your side” -]

• Hair clip – It astounds me how exceptionally unobservant she can be when I need her to. Of course, she didn’t know it, but I slipped the thing into her bag. When she found it, told her I didn’t have the slightest clue why it was there or how it got there.
  
• Butterfly – Yeah, note to self on this one: never do that again. I don’t have enough patience to try and catch butterflies all day. Accio came in handy once I figured out how to not have the thing zoom over so fast that it splattered. She liked it, though. Made it worth the trouble.
  
• Bracelet – A success. I think. Honestly, I’m not sure why she keeps acting so surprised about all this. It’s her birthday. Whether she likes me or not, I am going to happily spend money on her for presents just like I have every other year. Granted, never quite this extensively…but “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
  
• Bear – Little known fact about Khai: she likes stuffed, cuddly bears. I don’t even remember if I ever had one. Probably. But she likes them, so I put it on her chair before class started and smiled when she looked embarrassed as she put it in her bag. It was a reaction, at least.
  
• Cupcake – House elves are stupid. That aside, I’ve fallen for someone that can’t even remember when her own birthday is. Six days of this and it took me humming Happy Birthday and giving her a cupcake for her to realize I wasn’t just doing all this because I felt like it. Though that is a good excuse, too.

I realize this has all been a bit out of my way, something I wouldn’t really normally do. But I had to show her I’m perfectly capable of being her friend again. I’d be lying if I said that’s all I want, though. Good thing I’m an excellent liar, as I’ve got to keep this up for at least another day.

She agreed to come with me tomorrow.

She agreed to come with me tomorrow.

One drink to wishing she actually shows up. Two sips to praying I won’t mess up. A final gulp to hoping I won’t return alone tomorrow.

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[rabastan]

[- this is a love song in my own way -]

Sent my girl a note today.

Yes. My girl.

I got her back. Finally.

I’m not one for antics. I don’t care about how anyone gets anywhere, but this one is important. I waited for her yesterday, after hours, because that’s how we’ve always done things. I thought perhaps…the familiarity…one can’t resist old habit, can they? I’m never going to be able to forget the way she looked at me. Her eyes have haunted me for too long now. She does this funny thing, like she’s trying to hide everything but somehow all her unwanted openness grants her more vulnerability; it hurts, when she tries to look so sure of herself and all I want to do it hold her and I…can’t. Just watching her come downstairs and seeing it…no, I’ll never be able to forget. But despite all her insecurities, and every reason I’ve given her to never trust me again… She’d told me, she would show up, I kept telling myself she would, I couldn’t doubt it, and she came…broken, but came all the same…and somehow…she balanced on the restored faith I’ve given her. She came with me. Like, deep down, I’d hoped, wished, known she would. Khai has the worst poker face I’ve ever seen, at least with me. It was scary, I know it was, I…was nervous, too. But she came with me, and just some time alone with her was all I needed to show her I’m not going anywhere.

We went down to the stables. Again, the familiarity. She knows just as well as I do everything that’s happened there. She can’t deny I was once good to her. I was once good for her. And ever since I realized being enough for her is all I’d really been after, I’ve been trying to get back to that. I know she misses the friend she used to have. I missed my friend, too. I could show her I could be that again. I must have, somewhere along the line, for her to even agree to come at all. It was painstaking, like truly walking around on eggshells and hoping somehow not falling would impress her. I have to be sure of myself. Of her. Us. And I am. I was, even as I played. I’ve never let someone in quite as completely as I have her, and I don’t even know how it happened. It wasn’t a conscious thing. More like I woke up one day and realized it was there; or at least stopped ignoring its presence, at any rate. Once I found it…I didn’t want it to go away. So I sang. She liked her shoes, and she liked her cake…which eventually ended up in places that are most uncomfortable covered in frosting. But that all came after. Only after she figured out she liked the song best. Right then? It was nerve-wracking. I couldn’t believe I was going to place every ounce of trust I’ve gained back all on one song. She wanted me so badly to stay a friend, maybe so I couldn’t hurt her so horrendously anymore. I don’t know. But that’s not enough for me. So I sang to her like if it was the last thing I ever said, she’d…know…she had me, always would. Just having her know would have to be enough if nothing more ever came from it. I was nervous. I was scared. I considered jumping out the window if things took a turn for the worst. It was perhaps one of the single most frightening moments of my life, watching her, wondering if my purposeful move across every boundary she’d set in place was going to get me pushed back further instead of drawn near. I promised myself, if she didn’t want me…I would have to leave her alone. I wasn’t going to force her to put up with me any longer if my final preparations for her birthday didn’t work. I’d have to disappear, for her, and let her live her life without wondering about me. I have to remember feeling that way, because it was the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been – a fairly decent reminder to never break her down so easily as I have in the past. I can’t mess up this time.

I have one more chance. She gave me one more chance. If I can’t make up for my mistakes this time around, then it’s on my own head. I certainly could blame her, a relationship is built of two people. But I think she’s done enough, just letting me get one more undeserved chance at making things right between us. I can’t leave her and I don’t want to. I don’t know what that means about us in the future, or what’s going to come of it…but as long as it’s with her, I don’t care where I end up. People always talk about leading with your heart; don’t let your mind override your heart’s desires, things like that. Personally, I’ve come to believe more in the “follow your heart” one. And Khai’s it, so I am going to follow after her, wherever she goes…I want to come too, if she’ll let me. After last night, and today? I don’t think she’ll mind.

I know she won’t mind.

I’ve missed you, Khai. Welcome back.

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[rabastan]

[- i’m getting’ you and i’m loosin’ me -]

So Khai bought this cat. Well, I bought the cat but it was for her while out at Hogsmeade. I feel like putting up with a cat should be the least of my worries. If having her back means I have to play nice with a stupid feline, well, that doesn’t sound like much. But I don’t exactly have the most…admirable background with cats. I’ve never liked them much. More a dog person, just because you can intimidate other people with the big, brawly looking ones. Who’s really going to be scared of a cat? Whatever, Khai wants a cat. So I guess I’m stuck with The Cat.

And, I was reminded today, why putting up with said cat is just going to have to happen, because Khai really does know me better then I ever really give her credit for. She got me this…necklace. It was hers, but…she figures I’m the one who’s a bit more in need of strength. I could have taken the time to be offended, but I’m still more in shock she pay attention to that sort of thing. It shouldn’t surprise me, but it does.

She’s worth every ounce of fight I’ve got to keep her around.

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[rabastan]

[- standing ovations (or boos) -]

I am tired of being interrupted whenever I actually have intentions of minding my own business. The pitch isn’t the only place on the grounds. Do I have some sort of internal magnet in me that just draws people to my precise location, as if I’m just begging for someone to pay attention? No. Let’s be honest: if I want someone’s attention I’ll have already have gotten I by the time I decided I want it. Next time I’m just going to blast the intruder’s head off. Then maybe people will stop finding me when I just want to be left alone. The only girl’s attention I want I already have. Anyone else is just wasted space. Spare the few fortunate enough to be considered my friend, but that’s an entirely different matter. Finn’s cute and all in her own way, but she’s also annoying in her own way and that outweighs anything I could say that’s good about her. Get a life already. I don’t need you.

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[rabastan]

[- stay plastic, stay tragic -]

I sincerely never thought there would be a day where I wasn’t interested in taking someone’s clothes off. I need to stop believing in absolutes, because it happened. I don’t know what made me do it. I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot more than I ever really like to mention. But Khai’s not some silly toy for me to play with. I want her to know that before anything…that extremely intimate happens. She’d always had issues over her self-esteem. If it didn’t bother me so much I might think I was funny. I can’t even begin to comprehend how she can still think I’m going to drop everything and leave. I’ve done so much. I thought maybe if we got back together, that’d at least level out everything rotten I’ve done. Somehow. It’s a big wish; I’ve done a lot of bad things. That’s even an understatement. But for sake of argument, “I’ve done a lot of bad things.” We’re okay now. I think. With this at least.

But maybe the truth is I’m just never going to counteract what’s already passed.

Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

Maybe I can’t. What if this is it?

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[rabastan]

[- i’m a line away from getting you into the mood -]

It’s enough.

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