i could write it better then you ever felt it

[rabastan]

[- and if you say this makes you happy then i’m not the only one lying -]

Just when I thought she had disappeared off that face of the planet, I finally get wind of just where Amelie’s hiding. Keep in mind here that the last time I saw her she was launching herself from the Quidditch stands. And where do I hear she is next?

THE HOSPITAL WING.

Between Piper and Statton, I’ll never get sleep again.

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[rabastan]

[- these friends, they don’t love you -]

I’m not sure whether I like or hate Amelie more at this point. She’s in the hospital wing. How the hell did she wind up there? And should I go see her? Does she want me to go see her? Or would she rather I just keep my precious distance away form her? She’s been avoiding my like the plague. Harper and I are long over and she’s still fussy about it. That in mind it’s probably better I just let her wallow up in the hospital wing by herself. But what if I don’t go up there and some other smug punk does? What if Evan goes up there? She gunna hang that over my head the rest of my life too? I can’t do anything right in her eyes. What went so wrong that see won’t even trust me enough to say hello in the hallways anymore?

I guess I haven’t given jealousy enough credit these days.

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[rabastan]

[- sips from life’s lush lips -]

I won’t get into this, but long story short:

We’re friends again, Amelie and I.

Dating, actually.

And for a few quiet hours I didn’t feel like such a wreck anymore. My life wasn’t going downhill at an increasing pace. I didn’t have another girl to worry or fuss about. Rodolphus wasn’t still angry at me for stealing his toast from this morning at breakfast and I didn’t have to wonder what Mother’s going to think if/when she finds out I have a brief history with a Hufflepuff now. It was just her and I. And for the first time in a long time, it merely felt right existing. There was no expectation to live up to and no one to impress. We were already friends to begin with, it was just a matter of reminding Amelie of that.

To say in the least, we made progress.

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16

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[rabastan]

[- it’s so fitting, so fitting of the way you are -]

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Really, does she want to send me to my grave? What am I going to do with her? One day we’re best friends and having great sex. Next day she’s confessing that it just isn’t enough for her anymore and it’s my turn to step up and really be “the man” of the relationship and stop fooling around. But if I can’t do that well then heck, we just can’t be friends at all. Nothing. I have to literally remove myself from any string attaching she and I. How, I ask, is that at all fair? When did I ever sign up for a serious relationship with her? When did I ever say I was interested in more then just playing around? When have I ever said “I love you” sincerely? She should know better then that. She knows me. And besides, in the technical term I am taken. Even if only for a few days.

Oh, what’s that – you though Amelie was the problem here?

Yeah right. Our dark ages are falling behind us finally. But just as I leave one, I enter another: welcome to the Statton Era everyone, a time of swelling depression vacant of “true love.”

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[rabastan]

[rabastan]

[- our hearts will beat in seperate rooms tonight -]

I’m not so good with this “giving up” thing.

I can’t give her up. It’s been days and I finally talk with her. I miss her. She’s a wreck without me. The first person to hold her up whole again and I’m the one that tears her back down. How – royally f*cked up.

We can’t just “be friends” mostly because I’m incapable of looking at her as “just a friend.” Khai is, at the least, a friend with seriously good benefits. It’s not something I can help. It just happens. Call it my lax with self control. I could care less what or who you blame it on. The result of the failed attempts of being “just friends” is just the same.

I quite literally sang her to sleep tonight. What “friend” does that? But she was such a disaster, and I couldn’t just leave her. That’s her worst fear, that I’ll just up and leave. Why doesn’t she realize I can’t do that? I need her in my life. As a friend, who I’m allowed to flirt with no strings attached. I would love to find out at what point she began to see me as more then what I truly am. When did I become her personal savior? Does she realize she has faith in a murderer? I see the world in her eyes, but what she sees in me I couldn’t begin to guess. Why has she fallen for someone destined to a life of darkness? I’m horrible for her. She needs someone else. I can’t be her everything, much as I sometimes think I’d like to be. It just – isn’t like that. I can’t create feelings for her that aren’t there.

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[rabastan]

[- they say never means never, never means forever -]

This time tomorrow, Rodolphus Lestrange will be dead.

This time tomorrow, Khai Statton will be a nameless face.

This time tomorrow, perhaps I’ll be dead, too.

It makes no difference to me. Consider this my final close. For tomorrow, may cease to exist. Time altogether may end. I don’t know yet. She found out. I’m a cold-blood, pain-thirty murderer with an quota to fill. Maybe this was good for her. Maybe now I really can just let her go, accept she isn’t going to be apart of my life anymore. I can turn my full attention to Amelie – but ah, that’s right: she might have well disappeared off that face of the earth. Nine-to-one odds says she knows there’s something going on between me and Khai. Good or bad she wouldn’t care. Just that there is something would piss her off. So, so jealous it seems. I can’t look at another girl without causing her personal offense. I won’t lie: Amelie and I have been best friends since first glance. (Or maybe second – I was laughing at her the first time I ever saw her tripped mess.) Regardless there are real feelings behind the friendship. I’m assuming the loyalty and admiration I have for her is what Khai wishes I had for her, instead. Must be annoying, knowing so much about her ill-fated lover and still not having me. I’m not good for her anyways. So am I destining Amelie to a wretched life by dating me? Who knows? More importantly, who cares?

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[rabastan]

[- and we bullet words at the mockingbirds -]

Well, I lived.

But only to receive this:

When I get a hold of her:

She’s dead.

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[rabastan]

[rabastan]

[- i’m holding on to every letter and every song -]

It’s a good thing I don’t have a conscience, otherwise thinking about Khai while I’m kissing Amelie would be a really, really big problem.

Right now? It’s only a…slight problem. I say slight because I think she knows. Girls are just freaks like that – they know when your mind is elsewhere. I’m caught between two good things. I’ve waited forever it seems to finally get my hands on Amelie, but then Khai goes and blurts out this “love” thing. I guess I shouldn’t care. But ever since she left, it’s all I can think about. And where the hell did she go exactly? I would track her down, but I don’t have anything. Who does she think she is, giving me a damn note? That’s what I deserve now – a note? Nothing more?

Wherever she is, she better know I’m sending her hell.

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[rabastan]

[- which came first – the music or the misery? -]

I guess I just figured she’d be back by now.

Where could she be holing up? It’s been a freak’in week and no sight nor mention. I don’t even know if anybody besides myself has noticed. Professors don’t really care about their students. I’m sure Amelie’s pleased she’s gone, though she knows better then to talk to me about it. Damn, but she is not gone! She’s is only missing.

And what’s lost, is meant to be found.

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[rabastan]

[- keep telling myself i’m not the desperate type -]

Mother would be so proud: I’m about to spill my guts to a worthless book.

I went looking for Khai today. I thought maybe if I made a conscious effort, I’d be able to sleep – but it’s getting worst. I was out around the castle, even snuck out during lunch today to go scout Hogsmeade. She’s much smarter then that. I knew she wouldn’t be there. But if not there – then where?

I hate this. Despise this. Loathe this. What is she even doing? At this point – is she even alive? Why no word? Why nothing? What is she doing to herself? Where?

This is why I just don’t care about anyone. It’s too f*cking complicated.

_____
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[rabastan]

[- untie these balloons from around my neck and ground me -]

Now, if this wasn’t becoming painfully obvious already: everything is terribly wrong.

I can’t focus. Period. Merely writing it down? Torturous. But I do it anyways. I am pretty sure this isn’t what mother meant when she said I needed to document my life for future generations to read. I don’t see why anyone would want to read this bull. Hey you, what year is it? Have you learned anything yet? Tell me, whoever you are, am I supposed to be your great-great grandfather or something? What could you have possibly learned about your ancestry by reading about the life and times of Rabastan Lestrange? I can sum it all up for you right now: I’m bitter, cranky, angry, temperamental, a little bit lost, don’t have much of a life, select number of friends who really just care about my parent’s money, I’ve got a girlfriend who knows I’m thinking about another girl entirely, the girl I am occupied with is off caravanning about who knows where and to top it all off I apparently talk to people who aren’t even born yet through a f*cking sheet of paper. Great. And under the assumption anybody ever reads this, that means I have to start by having a child right? Because that will completely be happening. I’m not dragging anybody else down further with me then they already are. Specifically that girl I continue to mention. Oh, but if you’re this far my guess is you know her name’s Khai Statton. Just packed up and left me. Not that we were exactly “together.” I’m in a relationship, after all. Please, let’s have some dignity about this.

Let’s just forget anybody could read this in x amount of years from now and move right along.

Several signs to know when something’s wrong:

• You stop eating
  
• Your pants are suddenly too big
  
• Nonexistent school work disappears entirely
  
• Other friends begin avoiding you
  
• Girlfriend finds odd things to get mad at you for
  
• Girlfriend also informs you that you’re kissing skills suck
  
• Can’t sleep, suffering from insomnia
  
• You start talking to your unborn great-great grandchild
  
• Focus isn’t there, ever
  
• Random outbursts, more so then usual
  
• Search for things you know aren’t there
  
• You keep faith in vain things
  
• Mick can outdo you in wit
  
• Exhausted a lot of the time
  
• Girls loose their appeal
  
• You write stupid lists in a journal
  
• You even bothering keeping a journal to begin with
  
• You’re so delirious that “journal” sounds like a funny word
  
• Reminiscing has become the new present
  
• You cringe at the idea of note passing
  
• Everything is relatable to everything else
  
• Someone says her name, and you fight the urge to cry/barf

It’s pretty awesome, right? I thought so too. Maybe the fact of the matter here is that I just hate not knowing what’s going on. Maybe that’s all this is. I just don’t like being kept in the dark. I want to know where she is because that’s just what I do. If I don’t know things, that makes I don’t have control. Makes sense. In theory. Except I’m seeing one really, really big problem with all this because, honestly, the only “fact” here?

Is that I’m a mess without Khai and I really, really want her back.

Contradictory statement number one million and one: I can’t want her back because that would disastrous. That means I’m dragging her down. And that’s against the rules.

So the question becomes since when do I care about rules and just how worse off am I with her then without? I’d say I’m willing to risk it but seeing how the other half of this equation isn’t here… Guess all my dare devil days are gunna have to be put on hold. What a shame. So that leaves me with more sleepless nights and a lot of hunger pains. You know, it’s sort of funny actually, I don’t really feel hungry. But I know I should eat. Food just doesn’t look all that appealing anymore. Oh, guess I should have added that to the list. Girls and food no longer interest me. Other girls, anyways. Kind of sucks for Amelie, huh?

She yelled at me for not walking her to class today. Seriously? And oh no, that’s not all. My bad boyfriend behavior led to a rather long conversation about what exactly is “wrong with me.” Perhaps I should make copies of my list and send one her way. Oh, I haven’t told you? Yeah. It’s official. Amelie and I? Are no longer. I don’t understand why I’m not more upset about this. I have spent six years having the world’s worst crush on this girl, I finally get her, and then she decides it’s over because I’m thinking about someone else and she knows it and somehow, remarkably, I am fine with this entire scenario.

Thank you Khai Statton, you have ruined my life.

You know what? I take that back. Not about Khai, she’s definitely ruined my life, but the thing with Amelie. I don’t exactly why I’m obvious to pain I believe I should be experiencing right now: I was too baffled about her even being mad about something like this too actually care. Then again numb is the new feel. That is the only reason I’ve filled up…yeah we won’t even go into detail about how long all this is. It’s pointless. I don’t even know why I’m still here. I should be out doing something, not cooped up indoors acting like my existence is meaningless. Pity it’s not an act, yeah? Let’s bring up more pathetic points to my life by suggesting: why exactly is my life falling apart? Easy enough: stupid girl ran off and won’t come back. Next question: why does that make such a difference in my life? Because I’m lonely and miss my best friend and my girl and her smile and making her laugh and her in general. Now what’s so pathetic about a guy missing his girl?

Maybe we just won’t answer that.

This is ridiculous. I should be out having the time of my life doing whatever I want with whoever I want and guess what? I might as well be permanently attached to my bed. I could lie and say I like all this alone time but lets at least try to be a little honest here: I don’t like it. So. Everyone’s avoiding me. I’m avoiding them. Khai’s gone. Amelie dumped me. Still want to kill Rodolphus. Life generally sucks and I constantly feel like hitting something. All in one day. I’m so lucky. This is just spectacular.

Happy birthday to me.

Eighteen’s gunna be a great year.

I can tell.

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[rabastan]

[- i don’t care -]

Well. This whole “Family Fright Fest” thing is coming up as I was just told today, and let me just say:

Why?

Is it really necessary for Professor Crackpot to invite the entire student bodies’ parents out for the weekend? My wonderful birthday is going to be spoil! Like it hasn’t already been. Not that I really mind at all. Birthday’s are overrated. So you turn another year older, “woo hoo.” I’m actually kind of glad majority of, oh, everyone forgot about it. I wasn’t about to publicize it. Of course that didn’t stop a few from being obnoxiously annoying about it yesterday. I’m glad it’s over. Good riddance. But I just ended up getting rid of one problem and adding on another. I mean, my parent’s are going to come for the sheer reason that this is a social event and if the Lestrange’s fail to make an appearance, no matter how trivial the event, that’s just bad communication skills. It’s all about networking and network they will. That still doesn’t exactly explain what I’m supposed to do while they go off and talk to other equally rich, purebloods.

What, like they expect me to hang out with Rodolphus?

Yeah right.

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[rabastan]

[- i wanna scream “i love you” from the top of my lungs,
but i’m afraid that someone else will hear me -]

A month. An entire month and she’s…she’s back. Khai Statton has entered the building everybody, looking like train wreck and still convinced there is this whole “feelings” thing between us.

She was just sitting there, and I swear I still half believe I dreamt all this. But I couldn’t just…God, she leaves and I turn into my own train wreck. How it that possible? I hate that she can do that to me, but at the same time I…

Well, I stayed up with her. Took her back to the common room, and let her sleep. I couldn’t leave her. Even if I had wanted to. I don’t know what she’s done to me, or how I can get rid of if, or even if I want to. But Khai has just…it’s made me realize…

Damn feelings.

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