Bella's Babble

[bella]

All this writing can’t be good for me. But I just keep of thinking up other things I want to make sure I write down. Probably have OCD. At the very least, carpel tunnel.

But, anyways.

This level of commitment. Is it strange? I mean. We’re, quote on quote, “over” so why am I still bothering? First answer to come to mind is that I’m right. Just this once, I’m right and he’s wrong. Everything is just so complicated. Why can’t we just get back to how we used to be? Ah, and somehow I feel that’s too much to ask. Can’t repeat the past, as the saying goes. Guess they’ve never heard of Time Turners. That’d be awesome if I had one. Certainly would fix a lot of my problems. Then again, if I just stopped making the same mistake I wouldn’t need one.

Oh, forget it.

[bella]

Day three. And this is what I wake up to:

Dearly beloved students,

It is a pleasure for me to address you once again in honor of the upcoming festivities. As we are all well-aware of, All Hallows' Eve is looming ahead, and with it, our annual tradition of the highly anticipated Family Fright Fest. As it is tradition for this institution, the fair will be held in the upcoming weekend, at the very well-known spot of Diagon Alley. It is tradition, also, that all Houses host booths with which to support the end of school year Ball, and rotative schedules will be handed out to you shortly by your Prefects.

Family members and acquaintances are cordially invited to attend also, and invitations have promptly been owled respectively. Trick and treats will bound a'plenty, so don't be shy! This event is for celebration and relaxation, feel free to ignore your scholarly duties for this weekend, and revel in it while you can! Dare to be who you haven't been in a long, long while.

Sincerely,


Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore,
Hogwarts Headmaster

I’m not going.

[bella]

That jerk.

He’s suckered me into doing this, and part of me hates him for it. Then again, I’m sure this will be good for me. Still, it just figures the day I decide to leave my dorm is the day I’m attacked. I guess “attacked” being a bit of an over exaggeration, but whatever. I was still cornered.

Boy, this isn’t making much sense, is it?

Someday I’ll learn to start from the beginning.

The Beginning: I figured three days was enough moping. (Actually stupid Lickermen realized I hadn’t been in class for a while and found me. I was going to get detention if I wasn’t in class today. So I went, quite reluctantly.) I suffered through breakfast, kept my food down, managed to get all the way through first and second, but then we have third together – Transfiguration. Maybe I still look horrid. I wouldn’t know; I was hardly aware of myself when I was getting dressed this morning. Still, he said hi to me, asked me where I’d been – you know, friendly chit chat. Then he asked about the stupid invitation. Now, I have absolutely no reason to go. My mother is dead and I practically have no father. If this is supposed to be a family event, well, I’ve got news for you: I have no family. So for me, it’s just an event. I was content was hanging back just like I do every year. However, all these years previous, I was never really friends with him.

“Him,” through this whole thing, being Ethan.

Don’t get me wrong. He’s a good guy. We laugh. I cry. He’s become a big ‘ol part in my fairy tale life, eh? Still, he is not such a big part that he should be making me go to this ridiculous event! And yet, here I am, going.

I was guilted into it. I don’t really think he wants to go that much either, but he did seem happy to know his mom was coming. I thought that was a bit – “duh”? I mean, this thing is for your family. So his mom’s coming. I donno, if it makes him happy… He just asked me if I was going, and of course I said no (another “duh” moment) but he was like, actually shocked. I’m not sure who he thought he was talking to, but maybe he just didn’t remember I have no family to invite? Unlikely. Ugh, and here I go distracting myself.

He asked if I would go. Said no. He asked why. I laughed. He said I should go. I said yeah right. He asked why again. Said I have no family. He said he’d be willing to share his for a weekend, if I wasn’t scared away upon arrival. Maybe it was something about the way he said it. I admit it, I’m intrigued. No one’s parents could be scarier then mine. Except maybe the Blacks. I don’t want to go, but I guess I just – well, it couldn’t be so bad if I at least get to hang out with Ethan, right? We haven’t done anything in a while. And goodness knows I need to get on with my life. Picking a Gryffindor’s company probably isn’t in my best interest, as I’m currently biased towards that whole dang house, but hey – it is a start.

Sorta weird how Ethan’s always the one providing me my way out, huh?

[bella]

Well that was.

Was there.

I’m not even sure how to go about explaining my weekend. It’s all sort of garbled up into one big thing, some parts sticking out more then others. I guess we’ll just – start from there and work our way backwards like always.

I understand what Ethan meant about “being scared away upon arrival.” His mom – Mrs. Cartier Andrea – is kinda of…eccentric. But not happily so. More like, she has this crazy compulsive disorder about needing to micromanage Ethan’s life. First thing out of her mouth, I kid you not, was: “Ma soleil, it’s so good to see you! Who’s that?”

AWK-WARD.

And – what the heck does “Ma soleil” mean? Yeah, if I knew I would tell you. I asked Ethan because he sorta blushed when she said it, but he wouldn’t tell me. I was persistent, rest assured. All weekend I was trying to ask him at random times so he’d answer by mistake. He’s more focused then I gave him credit for. Never did get it out of him. I wish I knew someone else that knew French…guess I could ask around. Her name calling isn’t the problem here though. It’s the “Who’s THAT?” and the disapproving look I got that made me kind of not like her. Because you know what followed after that? “Where’s your friend – Indigo?” What, like I’m not good enough for her? I’m not allowed to date Ethan? Not that I want to. He’s great – but no. Point is for a couple of seconds that’s what she thought I was there for and she didn’t like it. I’m arrogant enough to be offended by that, okay? And I wasn’t the only one suffering. Poor Ethan. I give him credit for fumbling through introductions though, because I would have just kicked her and be done with it. I behaved myself. Relax. And after she realized Ethan and I weren’t dating suddenly I was “cleared” I guess. She’s wasn’t so rude, anyways. I just laughed off the whole thing with her. Least that’s what she thinks is what happened. Obviously I still hold a bit of resentment towards her… Mrs. Andrea, geez, wasn’t even the most entertaining part. This other girl was there with his mom – Ariadna. And if I remember right, she’s the one who he’s had a little hissy fit with or whatever. And if not, then I have no idea why they were so hostile towards each other. Indirectly. No body hit anybody. And most of Ariadna’s snippy little remarks were generic and not just aimed at Ethan or myself. Are all French people rude or what? Well I guess Ethan isn’t. It was just strange. Half the time I didn’t know what to do with myself. I got to know Ethan’s side pretty well, because that’s usually where I was hiding. And in my defense, no, it is not awkward for a girl friend for be holding on to a guy friend’s arm just because. And no one’s asked me if we’re dating so that’s good. Last thing I need is for that little rumor to reach Remus’ ears. I’d really rather not add another to my list of bitter ex’s. Yeesh.

I didn’t think about him. A lot. Too much. I was pretty good, actually. Most of the time I was just trying to keep up with the integrated French and making up the parts I didn’t understand one bit. And, I mean, me and Ethan…well let’s just say I see him a bit more clearly now. Like why he’s always so terrified about opening up about anything. By no means do I except to become his personal shrink – ha, me, a shrink. yeah right – but… Oh I don’t know. I just get it a bit better.

Let’s see…other moments of this weekend… The decorations were really cool. Definitely decked themselves out for this one. I’d only ever heard about what they do, since I’ve never gone before. Oh, and his Dad never showed up. I’m not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Ethan did a nice job of being vague when he did answer my questions. He was better at the beginning. But Ariadna got a hold of him for a second and after that Ethan was just sorta pissy. That didn’t happened until Friday night though…so I had a whole couple of hours to be with a happy Gryffindor. Saturday was fine…went and looked at all the booths and whatnot…played silly games…oh. Ha. Ethan’s costume. No, I’ve never heard of it before, but then again as a child I was deprived of such things, but…

I took a much less…vibrant approach:

I admit it. I’m still cynical about going to this thing. Why not go as the orphan I am? I know what you’re thinking: well it’s not much of a costume if that’s you. But I wasn’t really in the mood to go all out. And it was fun dressing up. It’s not like I wear all that stuff on a regular bases. The fish nets were awesome.

I never saw Remus. Did I mention that? Or James. All for the best. My efforts to not think about them would have been ruined. I thought about dressing up as a werewolf just to make him mad. I didn’t though. That would have pushed Remus over the edge. Me too, probably. My sanity can’t take any more beatings.

Well…I…guess that’s it? I feel like I’m forgetting half the stuff I wanted to write down. You know, just to get it out of my system. Like if I write everything down, then I can stop thinking about it. Oh well. I’m sure this won’t be the last you hear about FFF.

Why do I always talk to inanimate objects?

Ugh.

[bella]

And I’m up, down, I’m spinning around.
I’m high and dry and kicked to the ground.
I’m lost and I’ll never be found.
My lips were much too shy.
The lines about you? They never rhymed.
And you said I’d never get things right.
(I never said it was the best thing for you.)

And baby where’d you go?
I need you here tonight…

Singing myself to sleep
And you’re still my favorite melody.
It’s been three weeks;
How long can this go on?
Singing myself to sleep…
And you’re haunting every memory.
Get out, goodbye, get out of my life.
Goodnight.

And you’re hot, cold,
You’re battered to the bones.
You run while I loose control.
I miss you; forever you’ll stay gold.
Now you know I’m not getting by.
I’ve lost it; you’re in my mind.
And everyday’s the darkest of my life.
(I never said it was the best thing for you.)

But baby where’d you go?
I need you here tonight…

Singing myself to sleep
And you’re still my favorite melody.
It’s been three weeks;
How long can this go on?
Singing myself to sleep…
And you’re haunting every memory.
Get out, goodbye, get out of my life.

Cause I’m drowning when I close my eyes.
And I’m falling; I can’t breathe tonight.
End of story; I fade to black inside.
(I never said it was the best thing for you.)
Cause I’m drowning when I close my eyes.
And I’m falling; I can’t breathe tonight.
End of story; I fade to black inside.

Singing myself to sleep
And you’re still my favorite melody.
It’s been three weeks;
How long can this go on?
Singing myself to sleep…
And you’re haunting every memory.
Get out, goodbye, get out of my life.

Cause I’m drowning when I close my eyes.
And I’m falling; can’t breathe tonight.
End of story; I fade to black inside.

_{zzzzz, the cab}

[bella]

Get me out of this place
Before I cause more damage.
A small price to pay
For building houses out of matchsticks;
And when things get too hot,
You’ve got me to blame
For every fire that breaks out
In every lover’s name…

Don’t forget: we’ve got unfinished business,
Stories yet to unfold,
Tales that must be retold.
And I regret not knowing
When to put an end to all this madness.
Keeps me wanting,
Keeps me wanting more…

Sell me out; I’m yesterday’s old news,
Phrases left on paper,
Black ink bleeding through
The pages where we made our history.
Call me foolish;
I feel hopeless…

Running from lions,
Never felt like such a mistake.
(Like a dear caught in the headlights.)
Running from lions,
Never felt like such a mistake.
(I won’t know what hit me…)
Running from lions,
Never felt like such a mistake.
(Like a dear caught in the headlights.)
Running from lions,
Never felt like such a…
(I won’t know what hit me…)

Don’t forget: we’ve got unfinished business,
Stories yet to unfold,
Tales that must be retold.
And I regret not knowing
When to put an end to all this madness.
Keeps me wanting,
Keeps me wanting more…

_{running from lions, all time low}

[bella]

My efforts to make sure I didn’t think about him?

In vain.

I took Mipsy out with me today for a walk. She just hung out on my shoulder, like always… She’s been cooped up to much. I feel sort of bad – I mean, Mipsy’s look’in a little on the…older side? She just wasn’t quite as peppy. Most of the time she just slept, I think anyways, since she was a no-moving bundle for most of the day. Didn’t run off or anything. That’s not the important part of today though. I took her down to the lake. I always go there to think. You know that. I figured no one would come out as far as I had gone. It’s not exactly a hike to get down there, but it isn’t some nice stroll either. But Potter. He always manages to surprise me.

Of course he would find me there. Either James or Remus himself. I can’t go anywhere without someone showing up uninvited. Just figures it had to be one of them two. The two people I’ve been trying to avoid the most. I haven’t seen Sirius around, either… I’m not sure if he knows and is trying to avoid me, or doesn’t know and it’s just pure coincidence that we having run into each other yet. Fates usually pretty nasty to me. You’d think we’d be lumped together for a project in class or something. How incredibly awkward would that be? Because I wouldn’t say anything about this in case he didn’t know I knew, or even if he did know and wasn’t telling me. I’d imagine he would too. Sirius isn’t one for serious talks. (How ironic?) He’d probably keep quiet about it, too, if he knew. Or if not. That particular instance could get really confusing really fast, apparently.

Still haven’t even gotten to my story though. Alright. I’m at the lake with a sleeping Mipsy. James shows up. Of all people. He starts tearing me apart right off the bat. It’s not like I didn’t expect it. It was bound to happen. Self-loathing me made me agree with what he was saying. Besides, he’d already “figured me out” or whatever, so I wasn’t going to be the one to try and change his mind. He wasn’t going to listen to me anyways. Well, I told you James has a way of surprises. He was going to shout at me so I wasn’t going to shout at him. My resolve to just be quiet was ruined. It was like that for a bit… It’s really hard to hear about this from someone else’s point of view. I feel really bad for James. I wish he hadn’t been drug into all this. He didn’t deserve to be. I killed his greatest friendship. And I can’t fix it, either. That’s something they have to do. That’s the hardest part.

Okay. Well, long story short…James and I are kinda sorta almost maybe friends now. Again.

From arguing to being friends? Yeah, I don’t understand it either. I’m not even sure why I want to be friends with him. I’ve known Sirius and Remus most closely out of the four. Peter and I are – just kind of there. We don’t hang out, but it’s not like there are ever awkward silences between us either. And then there was James. He was just – well, he was just James. I never really cared to get to know him better. Maybe I just assumed we were supposed to be friends because Remus and I are friends? Or were. At the time. I honestly don’t know what Remus and I are anymore. We’re supposedly not friends. Because friends talk to each other and hang out. We’re not dating. Because a couple doesn’t avoid each other at all costs. And we’re not really enemies, because I don’t hate him. There has to be something in-between all that that I’m missing.

But hey, I’m no psychiatrist. Why would I have everything figured out?

[bella]

I. Um. How incredibly awkward. I don’t

How do I

Today was the last

I went over to

Mipsy was

I’ll always miss you, my friend.

[bella]

I can, um…breathe again?

Okay. I lied. I can’t.

Mipsy died. She’s dead. Gone. Buried. Out of sight. A memory. And what am I left with? An empty cage, a broken heart, and enough tears to fill up the whole lake and then some. I’m so tired of everything just going wrong! I guess my assumption of things starting to look up is just – heck, it died right along with Mipsy.

Oh that’s awful. I shouldn’t be doing this. Mipsy was a good rat. She lived for a long time. Had a good run. Always there for me. Got me some good friendships from her nosiness. Always made me smile. Always there for me. Let me talk without interruption. Snuggled. And she just –

Damn it, I just miss her. I’m loosing everybody.

I want to go out and…well, I’d like to go buy a new rat. I have everything for one already. But I don’t want to just replace her. No rat could ever replace Mipsy. I hate staring at an empty cage, though. It hurts.

Just like everything else in this world.

[bella]

Alright. I just need to write it down. And then I can place it to the side and move on.

I woke up yesterday morning and went to go refill Mipsy’s dish. She was “sleeping.” When I stroked her back, I realized her stomach wasn’t moving up and down. I picked her up with both hands, brought her near, and I…I…

I just – I broke down.

Mipsy is gone.

[bella]

Today was…ah, better.

No body died. I didn’t run into James. Which I know doesn’t sound like it should be a good thing, but I’m still sort of…wry. He wasn’t exactly thrilled to agree to be friends again. But I think we’ll be okay. If he and Remus ever talk to each other again. I wish I could, like, pass Remus a note or something. If for no other reason then to tell him to stop being a baby and go make up with his best friend. This isn’t James’ fault. Well, maybe partially. It still amazes me he actually bought my lies. That’s not anything brag about, though.

Alright, you know what? Moving on.

I didn’t see Remus today, either. It’s easy to avoid him if – you know, we just don’t even see each other. I spent some time in the library. I have a potions test next week, as I found out today. (One of the not-so-fine points of today.) I ate by myself. Which also shouldn’t sound like a good thing, but I don’t have to act happy for anybody if I’m alone. I just sit there and listen to other people’s conversations. You can learn a lot about other people by just listening to them talk. I’ve learned a few interesting things about my housemates, we’ll say. I finished my Charms stuff… I cleaned up Mipsy’s cage. All fresh now. Visited her little grave, too. I don’t know if I’m technically allowed…and it’s too late anyways so I don’t care, but I placed her little tattered blanket in a shoebox and wrapped her up. She’s forever at the lake. Right underneath the big oak tree. She has a nice view. Amazing what a few spells will do for you. Doesn’t even look like anything was ever touched. I wonder how people would react if they new their favorite hang out spot was now a burial site? Hmpth. Well, I won’t be the one to tell them.

I’ve also decided I’m treating myself this weekend. No rat can replace Mipsy, but I really hate not having any pet now. Well, I guess there’s Peanut…but, all he ever does is hang out in the Owlry anyways. And granted, I visit him sometimes (I mean, it’s not like I’ve got anyone to send letters to so seeing him just because is the only reason I ever go up there) but, there still isn’t that connection of having a pet you see regularly. Like people and their cats. You play with your cat every day. You don’t send letters every day.

Anyways, this weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend. I figure it wouldn’t hurt to go buy myself a new rat. Who knows, maybe some shopping will do me good. As long as people leave me alone, everything should be fine.

[bella]

So…said I was going to buy a new rat, right?

I, uh, actually bought two.

I couldn’t help it, okay?! I was in the shop looking around, just, in general really. I finally did manage my way over to this little cage that had a bunch of baby rats in it. The worker who caught me looking first was pretty friendly, and I guess she has a few rats of her own. We started talking, I told her about Mipsy, she gave me her condolences… And so on. I was watching the babies the whole time of course, and there was this one I noticed that kept following another one. I asked about them, and this lady sighed. I was confused, naturally. After a bit of prompting she told me this whole story about the pair. I guess the one being followed was Buster. He’d been there for a bit, last of a breeding. So, all his brothers and sisters were gone. Then this other one had been a rat brought in. Owner decided they didn’t want them or something. “Customer confidentially” wouldn’t allow her to tell me the story on him. I asked what his name was and she said he didn’t have one. They’d never named him. So Nameless was following Buster around. They were like, little rat buddies. Buster was really cute – he’s a mix of brown and white – but, the other one…well, after watching them and hearing about his abandonment story…I felt sorry for him, alright? I’ve been there. Still sort of am. He’s this light grey color, almost like a cloudy sky, you know? What was really cute and/or funny about his coloring though was this white circle on his butt. He doesn’t have any other spots. Just that one. I didn’t want to buy him though, and not take Buster too, since they were friends.

So, meet the two newest additions to the Swan family:

That’s Buster. He’s super cute. Still sort of shy, but he’s warming up to me. He likes to nibble on my fingernails, I’m finding out. I’m going to have to find him some kind of toy to chew on. Aside from that small detail, he’s a good rat. And then, there’s his friend. He’s really friendly and likes to curl up against my neck. Remember: all gray, with a random white spot.

I named him Moony.

[bella]

I’m so happy I bought them. Buster and Moony have to be thee cutest little rat buds on the planet. So what if Remus ever finds out I named my pet rat after him? You have to admit, it’s fitting. Insanely ironic. It’s fate. Has to be. It’s not like anyone around here is smart enough to figure out the name Moony is connected to Remus, anyways. The only four that have the potential to know are the four boys. I have a perfectly good excuse for naming him Moony. He’s grey, with a moon on his butt. It’s adorable. And, shush, but if I had to pick a favorite its Moony. He’s way more social then Buster is. Buster is still really nice, though. He doesn’t mind cuddling up with Moony. Moony is a big snuggler. Every time I take him out the first thing he tries to do is run up my sleeves. Likes warm places, I guess. I found an old rag to put in their cage. Buster likes that because he can chew on it, and Moony likes it because he can sleep underneath it. They’re just two balls of energy. I’m sacred to take them out of my dorm, since they might run away. So, as of right now they’ve seen my dorm and that’s about it. Excluding the trip bringing them back to Hogwarts for the first time. I think they like it here. It has to be better then at the pet store. And here, they have somebody to love them. I can’t believe someone gave Moony up before me. I can’t see why. He’s perfect. Match him up with little Buster here, and you’ve got the best set of rats ever. So, while my life is falling apart, I still have them two now. They make me smile, at least. It’s a start.

[bella]

Ya know, it kinda sucks me and Johnny agreed to be platonic friends, he’s got a girlfriend, and I’m determined to make Remus realize he’s an idiot and start talking to me again, otherwise Johnny and I could have really had a good future together. He’s really sweet. Honestly sensitive, not just trying to sympathize with me. And he…I donno, it was weird. He actually cared about me moping around. Most people just wonder what I did wrong to get Remus so upset with me. But he didn’t even ask. All he was trying to do was help me. Wish I would have known that earlier. Could have cried on his shoulder instead of drowning my poor pillow. Funniest thing it that it wouldn’t have even been awkward. He’s just – cool that way, I suppose. We can just talk, and really get it. No questions asked. I definitely have to make it a point to talk to him more often, because he’s just a good guy. For once. Jenna’s super lucky is all I have to say.

P.S. – Buster and Moony are fine. Adjusting well to Hogwarts life. (:

[bella]

Well. So, I went to Hogsmeade…and talked to Johnny…I know those two events shouldn’t be linked together, but they are.

I started to read Romeo & Juliet.

I just got really curious. I bought the book at this little, dinky store. My guess is they don’t get a whole of a business. I’ve had it for a couple days now, obviously…but, frankly, I was sort of scared to read it. I mean, Johnny had mentioned everyone dies in the end. What sort of a love story is that? So, that’s why I was talking to him yesterday initially. I wanted to ask him what happens. Yeah, his little summary sucks just like the start of this book. They give everything away in the first paragraph. Now, I’m not exactly one for…“symbolism,” but anyone else notice all the ones worth falling for are the stupidest ones?

Johnny said Romeo’s eventually banished. (I wouldn’t know – I’m not very far into it yet.) So Juliet comes up with this big scheme about “dying” so Romeo comes back and think she actually is dead, kills himself for real, Juliet wakes up, finds him, and then kills herself, too. Again I ask: what sort of love story is that? Romeo’s an idiot. He should know Juliet wouldn’t leave mortality without him. She’d follow him anywhere.

Which, Juliet’s an idiot, too.

Blinded by love. That’s her whole role in the story. Hopelessly devoted to her Romeo and can’t focus on a single thing besides him. They both just stupid. Romeo and Juliet had what was coming to them if you ask me.

But, you know, even after all this…

I’m still madly in love with my own Romeo.