Bella's Babble

[bella]

Blind date for Astrid is a go! It’s so nice to be thinking about something normal for once. I decided to ask Collin, because he’s sociable inept and it wouldn’t hurt him to go out on a date with a girl. A girl who’s nice and nearly as shy as he is. As long as no awkward silences arise, I think they’ll be fine. Astrid has given the OK about all the plans, too. So, I’m off to go get everything ready. Toodles.

[bella]

Well, apparently Astrid has a crush on some guy named Johnny Myers . I don’t really know him, but I know people who do. Thankfully, she has enough heart to go out with Collin anyways! At least for one night.

Astrid and Collin are out on their date! I hope its going okay. I made sort of a hasty exit, but it’s not like I was apart of the actual date. I just pushed them in the right direction.

That’s about all I did today, actually. As far as productiveness goes. Trying to stay out of the public eye is harder then it looks. I still haven’t talked with Remus. He’s actually keeping his own and leaving me alone. I feel sort of bad, but really it’s for his own good. Until I can be sure I won’t explode again its better we don’t talk. I miss him, though. The two sides don’t argue, for obvious reasons. Oh well. I’m just going to have to deal, I guess.

[bella]

I did it. I talked with Regulus. Or had another screaming match with him. It’s all the same these days. I don’t want to go into detail. Final result: we’re officially over in every way. It’s over. I’m over him. We’re through. Completely. I don’t have to waste energy being angry with him anymore. More or less, I’m feeling extremely indifferent. He’s just sort of there. End of story.

[bella]

[Taken from an RP, third person.]

It was a strange feeling, being completely alone in a deserted area and knowing in reality, you weren’t at all.

Bella stood in the same spot she had many times before this. It was her spot as far as anyone else was concerned. No one besides she and her mother would be this far out in the Forest anyways. It was just as dark as it was all other times. It was silent, too, utterly absent of sound. She couldn’t even hear herself breathing. The assumption that she wasn’t breathing at all was faulty, because Bella knew she was in taking air at an unreasonably slow pace. In…and out…in…and out… The pattern continued whilst she stood there. It hadn’t been very long ago when Bella had been here. Perhaps a whole day had passed and here she was again. But this reoccurring event had been nonexistent for months now. Only recently had she come here repetitively. Before a week ago, she hadn’t been here since Christmas practically. Bella could easily identify the change to make her come and visit. She wasn’t quite that ignorant. She knew exactly why she stood alone in the Forest, staring blankly but expectantly out into the darkness before her. She was waiting for her mother to come like she always did. Bella merely had to be patient and wait out the long, eerie silence before a musty, yellow-tinted light would start to appear from behind one of the trees. She was anticipating her mother’s return; because the sooner she appeared the sooner she would leave. It was just routine that Marie would come into her daughter’s life for a brief period, and then disappear back into the darkness. And then the second wait would come, and the next, and the next…

Ah, and there she was. Bella smiled without feeling as she watched. First the glow, then the pale hand… It reached from around the base of the tree, feeling as though her mother were blind. Perhaps Bella’s inability to hear was her mother’s inability to see. Still, Marie found her way – she walked out in Bella’s sight, with her wrinkled dry hand extended. The IV was still attached, but to where it led Bella didn’t know. It just trailed behind as her mother moved closer, and close still. This was the easy part, watching the dead creep forward. Bella had learned not to fear it. Even as Marie’s face blurred and shifted, and then her body. Just like that her mother was gone. In her place still easing forward was her nameless and faceless father. He was a lanky man, matching Marie’s skin tone exactly. There was a shift in the foggy swirl that served as his head, which Bella identified as a smile. A smile that normally would make one’s insides curl and heave with disgust and fright. Bella just smiled back. He soon would be gone, too. He would join her mother, wherever it is Marie went when she was done here. And just as she thought it, he was gone but Bella remained with another. He had stopped walking. He stood there, emotionless all except for his grin. This was a grin she knew well. She had loved that smile once, but now she gazed at it with indifference. Regulus wouldn’t care what she did at any rate. He left her as well, in due time.

Somewhere along the line Drew had completely left her. He used to be the third star but now he never showed up. Bella supposed he would keep his distance, so she wouldn’t gain false hope he would save her. He was long gone. Even so, Bella wished she had someone here to call a friend. But she only had Regulus, whom she watched intently. She was ready for it when his lips parted from that grin and moved with the motions of her full name. Isabella, he was saying, but no noise came from him, Isabella, Isabella, Isabella… Maybe he was just trying to irritate her some more. Bella didn’t care. It had bothered her the first time, and she’d ran at him screaming without hearing it – but that only brought her closer to what she feared most, so she had opted to remain where she was during this portion of the greetings. Then slowly Regulus stopped mumbling her name, instead gesturing with his hand towards the darkness. Her eyes always followed. Bella looked towards what she knew was coming. She told herself not to, but she did just the same. It was the last mistake she would make, because the giant wolf was already slinking towards her. It was in a half-crouch, belly nearly touching the ground. The deep, fiery blue eyes would glance at Regulus. She obliged, glancing too at what wasn’t there anymore. Just as she realized it was just her and the wolf, that was where Remus would lunge.

And the screaming would start.

[bella]

The dreams have started up again. Or more appropriately named: the nightmares. I have them every single night. It’s always the same, too, and it’s worrying me.

And, well, I’ve been giving this some thought. I’ve divided up the things in my dreams into the Obvious category, and the Uncertain category.

Obvious:

• Marie – she shows up because a nightmare isn’t one without her. I know this is really stupid of me, because I don’t care whether or not she approves of Remus, but it does make me wonder. She takes away anything in my life that makes me happy. She’d probably tell me he’s “from the wrong side of the tracks” or something equally stupid. Most of all, she’s be mad I have the one thing she could never get: a man that actually loved her while sober.
  
• Remus, a.k.a. “the wolf” – the main base of my fear throughout the whole nightmare. I wish I could just stop thinking of him as a wolf. But he’s never just Remus, he’s always a giant wolf. And not to mention, he’s about to eat me. I assume. What does a wolf do after it’s already pounced on you? Ugh. Not like I would know, I always wake up at that part. Which might be a good thing…

Uncertain:

• “Dad” – really, I’m not sure what relevance he has. I don’t even know who he is, a name, face… I guess I just figured I was done worrying about him. God, it just makes me furious thinking about it though. Half of my genetic makeup is a complete mystery. I look in the mirror and the only resemble I have is towards my mother. I don’t know what else to look for! Saying I’m similar to Marie is just – frankly, an insult. I would hate to be like her.
  
• Regulus – well, I suppose it was just wishful thinking that he’d be removed physically and mentally. He’s always going to be there… However, what he thinks he’s doing in this particular nightmare is beyond me. He just stands there and smiles. It’s not like he’s happy I’m dating Remus. He doesn’t say anything, either. Although, then again, no one says anything. I can’t hear them, at least.

Other random things that always happen…like I said, I can never hear anything. It’s complete absent of all sound. I can’t hear myself breath, or the wind, or Regulus talking, or the wolf growl… And when Remus first appears, he always glances at Regulus, and then I look, he’s gone, and that’s when he jumps. I don’t understand why he bothers at all to glance over at him. Unless he knows I won’t look away until he does. But that doesn’t make sense, either. But every single night, it’s the exact same thing over and over and over. I’m not really big for divination, but the nightmare – it has to mean something, right?

[bella]

Johnny Myers (I want to make it clear I know his last name) is an interesting guy. Big on Shakespeare. Who I personally had not heard of until today (some muggle author) and don’t plan on getting to know any better, either. He’s a sick person. All his stories he kills everybody off, according to Johnny. What sort of writer kills every single character they have? That’s horrible. And depressing. Who wants to read a book about people dying? Apparently he’s really big, so I don’t know what that says about our society. People enjoy reading about death. Go figure.

Oh well. It’s an irrelevant point. We were – yup, that’s right – passing notes in class today, and he was doing these mad lib things. He kept using Shakespeare stuff. And some of Pope, who I do know. Although he’s equally saddening. I don’t read stuff by him, but Ms. Drivels does. She likes the way he write, even if his stories are freaky. She doesn’t really agree with a lot of his work. Still, she’s a thorough reader of his books.

Okay, I’m still not to my point. Funny how easily I get distracted.

Well, not really…I tend to

THE POINT: we’ve decided to be strictly platonic friends. He needs a girl friend who he can just hang out with, and I need a boy friend who I can just hang out with. It works. He’s got sorta a weird sense of humor, and a ridiculously startling past/present (which sort of puts mine to shame) but in that way, we relate. I donno, I mean, I don’t have a family, but he has one he can’t talk to. Or more correctly, they don’t want to talk to him. It’s complicated. And frankly, I don’t really want to talk about it. Write about it. Same difference.

[bella]

This one time I was going through the common room, or maybe going down to the common room. I donno. Why I was in there is besides the point of the story. Anyways, there was this kid who kept turning his cup into a hat instead of a rat. It was quite comical, actually. So I helped him out, and that was that.

Today we were reacquainted, via note passing. (Yeah, yeah – I know; my forever growing bad habit.) He’s a pretty nice kid. He reminds me a lot of Amory. I asked him if he knew who Am was, but said he’d never met him. I found that startling – I would have figured they were like magnets for each other. Although, two mildly sociably awkward boys probably would stay very clear of one another, now that I think about it. Eh, whatever.

[bella]

He talked. With James.

In and of itself, Remus talking with James isn’t anything remarkable. They’re friends. They talk. Woo hoo.

However, this small fact that Remus talked to James is 100% detrimental to my very existence because now Remus knows I lied.

James knows I lied.

• Now James is mad at Remus for dating “a girl like me.”
  
• James is also mad at Remus because he never told me about his werewolf-ism.
  
• James is mad at me because I lied to him, and tricked him.
  
• I’m mad at James for believing me in the first place.
  
• I’m mad at James also, because he put nasty thoughts into Remus’ head.
  
• Remus is mad at James for being an idiot and not seeing through my act.
  
• Remus is mad at James for opening his big mouth.
  
• Remus is mad at me for tricking James.
  
• Remus is mad at me for finding out about his werewolf-ism.
  
• Remus is mad at me for being okay with his werewolf-ism.
  
• Remus is mostly mad at me for breaking my promise.

You’ll notice most of those are “Remus is mad at me…” And you know what happens when Remus is mad at me?

HE. BROKE. UP. WITH. ME.

[bella]

‘Cause I’ll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met ‘till you were making me cry.

And it's just too bad, you’ve already had the best days
The best days of your life.

[bella]

I can’t sleep. I’m sick to my stomach just thinking about all this. And for once, that’s not even an exaggeration: I threw up earlier. Now that was a fun experience, let me tell you. –_–

I’m scared to go to sleep, actually, even if I could. At least when I’m conscious I can control what runs through my head. Once I fall asleep I’m just going to wind up in the forest again, and it’ll probably be worst now. I won’t wake up when he pounces. I’ll probably be awake for every single rip and snarl and bite… The pain of my conscious mind, transformed into a wolf attack through my subconscious. And he thought that this would help me. That I was somehow going to be better off without him. If he could just see me now… I hope someone mentions how sick I’m feeling tomorrow. Maybe I can get Kayla to mention something, I’ll even stay in bed all day. I doubt after tonight I’ll be able to go to classes tomorrow, anyways. It’s already one o’clock. Technically speaking I need to be up in five hours. Fat chance of that happening, unless I manage to stay up all night. That doesn’t sound half bad. Then when I wake up screaming everyone else will be in class and I can cry in peace. Peace. What an unattainable prospect. I haven’t felt content for a freak’in week now. I realize this is my own fault, as he was all to blunt about pointing out today. I could have just kept my nose out of it. I felt better about finally knowing, but if knowing costs me him I’d never have talked with James. I just wish there was a way to make this better… He’s not going to stand for anything I have to say now though. He’ll probably avoid me and everything. Heaven forbid I get a chance to make him realize this is a horrible mistake. He has to know I’m right, just this once. Can he possibly be any better off then I am? Is he awake right now, too? Has he thrown up? And he thought I’d be safer this way… Safe and warm, in my bed, breaking into smaller pieces with each passing second.

Real smart Remus, my love, I am so much better off. Thank you for royally screwing me over.

[bella]

Day one of torment is going well. I woke up at noon, screaming of course, cried, missed my morning classes obviously, took a blazing hot shower, cried, got myself some food, stared at the wall for a while, cried, and drew about four pictures of varying wolves. You know what the bets part is? They all had blue eyes. So I ripped them up and threw them out the window. So yeah, all in all it’s been a pretty fabulous day so far.

And hey, I haven’t thrown up yet, either.

[bella]

Tomorrow I’m going to class. I can’t handle being by myself another day. Know what I do when I have no one to talk to? I write it all down. I’m gunna run out of ink.

This is just one big tangled mess of pure insanity created by yours truly, 100% Bella-tized. I’m sick of it. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t really go talk to him. I doubt he’d like that. And God, what about James? This really isn’t his fault but…argh, I wish I could make it his fault. That would make me feel just a little bit better. But no, this is all me. Like it most often is. You think one day I’ll actually – oh, I donno, not screw a relationship up? I can’t get anything right and it’s becoming rather ridiculous. I don’t know how to fix it, either. What am I supposed to do, you stupid, good for nothing waste of

Ever notice I start asking paper questions when I’m most

This is retar

Oh my God, forget it. Moving on. It’s only been one day. I guess it’s normal I don’t feel good. It takes a while to get over someone. Problem is, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over this one. I’ve lost something big this time. That’s not to say everything previous was unimportant, but for this time, right now, it’s the most important thing to me – and it’s gone. What do you do when you loose life?

Man, my stomach is churning just talking about it. That’s just sad. You’d think I could handle this. But I keep picturing it; all of it. Every single last detail. And the worst

[bella]

That was disgusting. I’m through with this.

[bella]

This post is dedicated to Abbie,
for holding her breath for over twenty-four hours,
And not dying.

^{__________________________________________________________________________________}

Never did, never did,
I ever love anyone other then you.

I can’t sleep
With all the secrets that you keep.

I’ll never look at you
The way I used to now.

And honestly, I’ve been dying for answers
That you and only you can give to me.

You know you’re gunna miss this,
As long as you live,
When you were mine.

Would it kill you to care as much as I did?

But this charade is never going to last
So pick your poison and pour yourself a glass.

Crossed the line, didn’t mean to.
Take it back if I thought
It’d make it work.

Now we’re looking to fight.
This isn’t right.

Do you think I’d recognize the look on your face
When you think that I know?

The words are coming.
I feel terrible.
Is it typical for it to end like this?

Wake me up when it’s over;
The last sound of goodbye.

And I’ll have you know I’m scared to death
That everything you said to me was just a lie until you left.

And God forbid I be pleased with myself
In this relationship.

The hardest part is letting go
Of all the nights we shared.

How could you think all the time we’ve spent
Was just wasted?

This hurts worst then I can stand
To say in just one sitting.

So why’d you have to go?
Is there something I could say –
To make you turn around?

I guess I can live without you,
But without you I’m miserable at best.

Don’t come any closer,
Don’t tell me it’s over.
Don’t kiss me goodbye.
Here we are –
Am I taking this too hard?
Don’t say it’s easy;
The hardest part is leaving.

Who knew that this would be
So hard?

I’ll be fine, I swear;
I’m just gone beyond repair.

But a promise doesn’t mean a thing
Anymore.

So here I am and I’m dying,
And I’m waiting for you.

I’m in love with a critic and a skeptic.
A traitor.

Cause it’s a breakdown, a breakdown;
And where do we go from here?

And then I fell into pieces,
And she fell into me.

I fall asleep to have the darkest dreams.
I close my eyes, and beg for peace.

As even broken hearts
May have their doubts.

Well I got the point that I should leave you alone…
But we both know I’m not that strong.

I miss the lips
That made me fly.

And how she hoped that he would miss her,
Cause God, she’d miss how he would kiss her.

And she’ll be the secret you can keep.
She says, “Keep me.”

Cause I’m a mess and you know
That I can’t help it.

The moral this time:
Is girls make boys cry.

And after all, it’s her fault
If she hasn’t caught on yet.

Y o u ’ r e . a . s t r a n g e r . I . k n o w . w e l l ,
And not at all.

[bella]

It’s not over yet.

Me and you, forever.

I lied. Big surprise there, huh? I’m not going to class today. I refuse. Besides, after I got over the whole hurling thing, I started… Well, remember this? After everybody else left for classes, I really started to think about this whole thing. I’m still furious at him for dumping me, but it’s because I know this is wrong and I know he knows its wrong. Which brings me back to that note. How many times has Remus just been there? Doing all those little things that I never really noticed, until today. I always told him thank you, just because that’s what you tell somebody when they do something nice for you. And I did mean it; he goes out of his way sometimes, just to try and get me to smile. He used to, at least. Those were the best times, of course, when we were still together; still friends. I realize it’s only been one day now, two if you count today, but it feels like an eternity of separation. It’d help if I got on with my life, but I just can’t. I don’t even want to try when I know he’s not going to be apart of it anymore. It’s easier to stay cooped up in here. I got rid of the nasty stench and everything. For the time being, my dorm is my haven. I don’t have to pretend for anybody and I don’t have to act like I’m happy when really I feel like I’m dying.

Ah, and there I go again, getting off track. It all is relevant though, I swear.

Back to the note. I remember everything now. All the things he’d do for me. Even when we were just friends. “Just” being a somewhat incorrect term in my opinion. I think it’s always been a bit more then that, I just didn’t realize it. Maybe he didn’t either. But at the same time, I don’t think he would have gone through all the trouble then, if he hadn’t been feeling anything more then just a friendly acquaintance.

Which does in fact, finally, lead me to my point:

Love is not an emotion. It’s not a feeling. You do not feel love.

You do love.

Love is an action. A showing. Something you don’t have to say even once; the other person simply just knows because you’re constantly proving it through your actions. And that got me thinking…

Just when have I ever shown Remus I love him?

The answer to that, sadly as I’ve concluded, was never. It’s been hard sitting here and actually going through the thousands of times we’ve hung out and coming to that realization. I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. But it’s correct. I always just wanted to be around him because he made me feel good. He made me feel like I was worth something. But then I repair him by coming to him in pieces, complaining about whoever just hurt me, or drowning on about how stupid Potions was that day, and showing off all my little doodles around in the margins only to get irritated about how I ran out of room. He never got mad at me. He’d just let me sit there and rant. Don’t get me wrong, we did other things – God, like that one time we snuck into the restricted section? That was priceless. And I know how to get in there whenever I want now. Okay, anyways, if love is an action I’ve never showed it. I’ve told him, and I meant it. But he has no grounds to believe me. Which is why after this thought-provoking journey of mine I think that’s the reason I’m still sitting here ignoring life, and hating that it’s my own fault he would see my sneaking around in his little secret would be so devastating to him.

What I did was wrong. I know that. Dragging James into it make it even worse. But, seriously, just consider for a moment… I found out. I promised him I’d keep my nose out of it, but I was just trying to understand. That doesn’t make it right, but that was all the reasoning I needed to trick James out of the information I wanted. It was all on a whim. It could have backfired. But it worked flawlessly. James hadn’t even known he’d done anything wrong until he talked to Remus. But that’s where this blew up – after I’d flipped out, Remus was talking to James, and he found out why I’d been so weird. But I was only nervous because I was scared when he’d fine out. It was inevitable that he would. I was a little bit scared, I guess, that he’d bite my head off or something. But that’s just fear feeding on fear. You can not just be comfortable with being hugged by a werewolf in one sitting. And then I was okay with the idea of him being one. It’s not like I didn’t know they existed. It happens. I was just shocked someone I’d known for that long turned out to be one. But I’m okay with it. Now, anyways. I am okay with dating a werewolf. And I think he knows that. So why did he want to break up? He’s always said he just doesn’t want to hurt me. He never did specify physically or mentally. Physically I’m fine. Mentally is questionable at this point. But I still haven’t answered the question: why did Remus break up with me? Because he loves me.

Ironic, huh?

You stay in a relationship only as long as you’re getting something out of it. I was a wreck. I still am. However for entirely different reasons. But, he thought I was – I donno, “in pain”? I knew he was going to do this. He has to think he’s being the hero before he realizes I’m worst off then I was a week ago. He had to at least try something different. That’s what he does. Because he’s acting upon that so-called love he’s confessed for me. I love Remus Lupin. There is no room in there for misinterpretation. But that’s only the words. So I’m back to the whole actions thing. I’ve been really selfish. I thought maybe having him know was good enough, I guess. That’s where all my well thought-out theories die out. I’m not sure why I’ve never been more…loving? Ugh. It sounds cheesier on paper. Maybe it’d just be better if I kept all this to myself. If I ignore it and don’t write it down, that gives it the slim chance of being false. Now I have it all here. Plain and ready for reviewing if I want. I can’t live in denial forever. How can I? I just…

I want him back. ):