Liabilities

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ 'Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start

So, I did it.

It had to be done.

Unavoidable.

Especially now, considering I've talked to daddy about it, and he told me it would be best if I talked to her. And I mean, if daddy says so, then it had to be true, right? So, I sent her a note, asking her to meet up with me at the library, daring her to skip. Guess what?

She did show up, and just ready to bust a move.

Truth be told, I didn't know what to expect. I just needed something that indicated that I was moving along the right path, and for some strange reason, Lily Evans seemed the most appropriate one. Don't ask me why, because I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it, but that's just the way it goes. Sometimes you need of the least expected person to help put things into perspective for you, even if all the things she had to say, I already knew. It's a bit sad that I had to hear it from Evans of all people, but I'll get over it. Another thing: what's up with her calling me Marlene? Nothing personal, but...I don't like it. Like, at all. Sooo, we should change that.

I just can't bring myself to be mean to her again after discovering that she's actually...

I can't bring myself to say it.

Whatever.

I'll just sleep this weird experience off, I don't care if I'll be skipping Care of Magical Creatures. Maybe when I wake up, I won't be on an alternate universe.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ 'Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start

Final Hogsmeade weekend coming up.

At least that's what the notice boards all over school say.

Definitely something to look forward to.

Why, yes, I do plan on asking my best friend on going with me, thank you for your concern.

Alice, I'm sorry boo, but there's no way he's going to spend that weekend with you.

Nothing personal.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Out of my control

I have this one person who is priceless. I mean, we're not the bestestestest of friends ever, but, he's there when I need...well, him. Which, you know, is pretty nice.

More than nice, as a matter of fact.

But I refrain from going into details.

Isaac Nichols finally pulled an appearance. And yes, I've managed to nail more plans for the summer, in case you were wondering. Summer, foreign places, and Isaac? Summer, why, oh why are you delaying yourself so much? I mean, graduating right now works wonderfully for me. Except for the fact that I'd be leaving Isaac behind. He is so ridiculously arrogant, it's impossible not to love him. He's the type of arse you can't help but adore, and really, all this time we've known each other, I don't have anything but good things to say about him.

Buuut, thing is, thankfully, he's been my pick-me-up for today. He's got this weird something that makes me smile as soon as I see his messy, guy handwriting.

I love Isaac Nichols. ♥

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ And I don't think I'm ready to bust a move

I love how cocky I can be around him and get away with it.

If only because he'll always be ten times cockier than what I could ever be. It's fabulously hilarious sometimes, and others it's just annoying. Right now I'm oscillating dangerously between the two, and truth be told, considering how well things are going with Sirius, I'm not sure I want to ruin them by keeping up this interaction, or whatever you want to call it, with his brother.

It will all be over soon, though.

Of course.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story.

Alice Logan, you can suck it.

Sirius & Marlsssss.

Just this Hogsmeade weekend.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Trying to be so perfect

Tomorrow's the dayyy.

What should I wear?

I obviously have to look great. I mean, last time Sirius and I went out on a date--last time Sirius and I went out, period, was a long time ago. I mean, the bike ride notwithstanding, I have to say that the last time we spent some time together was when he...well, you know. He foolishly said he loved me, or something like that. And, considering the fact that I ran away and pretty much blew the whole thing out of proportion and totally stomped all over his ego, I don't think that could be denominated as quality time? What definitely would qualify as quality time would be that brilliant kiss we shared--

Never mind.

Problem still stands, though.

What should I wear?

Too elaborate would make it look as if I'm putting too much effort, and too much effort would mean I care too much. And while I do care about Sirius, I don't want him to get the wrong idea, you know? But too simple would make me look as if I don't care enough, not to mention that I'm not sure I own simple articles of clothing. Like, I can't even remember when was the last time I wore a pair of jeans. I'm not even sure if I have jeans around anymore. I should dig up the bottom of my trunk. But I shiver in fright as I consider what I could find there. The Bottom (capitals and all) is reserved solely for discards and things better off forgotten. These range from articles of clothing to horrible and tacky gifts to pictures of people who are no longer relevant in my life and...lots, and lots of other things.

Ugh.

I guess I'll have to go look.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ And all the things I deserve

So I do have simple garments of clothing.

And a couple of jeans too.

And, apparently, some really ugly tastes from way back when. Merlin, how does all of that stuff fit in there? I swear I lost like...half of my life sorting through all that pile of crap. You'd think that after that, I'd be smart enough to start cleaning out things, but nooo. What do I do? I simply pile it back in. But see, you don't understand the complexity of all this! I mean, if I started cleaning this, I would be stuck in an endless endeavor! If I lost half of my life just looking through it, imagine what would become of me if I actually tried to clean it out. I could die inside there, and nobody would notice! And so close to graduation too! Nope. It has survived there seven years, I believe it can survive a couple of weeks. Nobody knows, so there's no harm done. Well, aside from my roomies, but they surely don't count, since there's not much they can do. Besides, it's my trunk, and I can do whatever the heck I want and--

Why am I writing about this, anyway?

I found a lot of stuff in there. A lot of stuff I wasn't aware it even existed still. Which, you know, kinda makes me happy, but not really? A couple of things brought me good memories, and others...meh, not so much. But what can I say? You win some, you lose some, right? Anyway, one good thing was that I found a snapshot of Benji and I. I'm guessing the reason for it being buried underneath a pile of my stuff is the third person you can see on it, buuut, well, I'm learning to ignore all the bad stuff and concentrate on the good things. And Benji and I? Definitely good stuff. I'd forgotten how much I've laughed and lived with him. It's nice to have reminders of it every once in a while.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Fear is all around me.

Oh.sweet.Merlin.

Hogsmeade.

Hogsmeade.

We were attacked.

Sirius was injured.

My fault.

My

fault.

A hex was thrown my way and he pushed me out of the way and--oh Merlin, I can't...

I just can't...

It smelled like destruction.

It smelled like death.

There were many deaths.

It could've been us!

It couldn've been us.

But it wasn't.

Sirius.

I have to go see him.

It's been three days, and he's still on the Hospital Wing. I've been worried sick.

I have to go.

I can't think of what might have been.

I can't.

I have to go.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ I'm battle scarred

I feel horrible.

Sirius could've died, and it was my fault. I can't believe that, given the circumstances, I let my guard down enough to be attacked.

There was so much noise. So many screams, so much fear. I close my eyes and I can still see their terrified faces, feel the pain and the worry, taste that metallic pang of hysteria at the back of my throat...

I haven't slept these past days exactly because of that. Who wants to sleep when all you get as soon as you close your eyes are screams, terror and pain? I realize that I have to crash sometime soon, but the longer I put it off, the better. My blankouts while being next to Sirius' bed do not count as sleeping. It's as if my brain shuts off, but my eyes are still open. I just want him to be okay. I can't bring myself to be selfish when Sirius is like that. As far as I know, my world begins and ends with Sirius until it's been confirmed his health has been restored to its full capacity. Besides, sleep is overrated. All that matters is to be safe.

Safe.

Safe.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ The places you have come to fear the most.

I'm scared.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Funeral for a friend

There was a funeral service held for the casualties today at the courtyard. The parents were there, and there were so many tears. I was choking on the oppressive atmosphere. It made me want to break down, myself.

But as always, I didn't.

As always, I held my ground.

Like always.

I find it hard to believe that just a few weeks ago, that place was full of laughter and shouts of congratulations as Sirius walked in with a shocked expression to his birthday party.

How things change in a short amount of time. Less than a month. That was all it took. It's so easy to make us unhappy, to destroy us, and we're so fragile. So, so breakable. Doesn't it scare you?

In pace requiescat, Hogwarts' students.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ We're settling the final score

And once again I find myself chanting this mantra inside my head, except this time around it has absolutely nothing to do with matters of the heart and everything to do with matters of the mind. We must learn to move on. To accept the events, remember them and pay due respects, but keep on living. We made it, so it's time we start acting like it. Exams are coming up, and I find them to be the perfect excuse, the perfect distraction. I will graduate this year. And Sirius will too.

With me.

Take that, Alice.

Good night.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ But I got him where I want him now

Must Alice Logan be such a pest? It seems like everywhere I look, she's there with Sirius. I look him up during lunch, she's there. I look him up for a study session, she's there. I don't care if she's supposed be helping him, and I don't care if Ravenclaws are the 'best' in that area. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure if the girl keeps it up, the Hosmeade thingy will ben an event of the past after I'm through with her.

Who cares if she's the girlfriend?

I don't.

God.

How clingy can someone get?

I should just get her a life, or something, the poor thing. Now that her BFF Evans is too busy, I guess Sirius makes more sense, but must I really spell it out for her? She.needs.to.go.away. That would be totes appreciated.

Okay, thanks, bye.

...Oh, didn't I mention it? Yeah, Sirius is out of the Hospital Wing. He's almost as good as new, except with this shiny, gorgeous new accessory on his arm called Marlene McKinnon. Hey, the fact that the bruises faded away doesn't mean that the guilt did. Talking about bruises, though, my shoulder hurts like a--I need to take my potion.

Later.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ I'm going nowhere

Juliette Benoit is one skanky little bi someone I'm not sure I entirely appreciate. I mean, sure, we run in the same crowd, and sure, sometimes she can pull off some good decent outfits, but I don't see what all the fuss is about. I don't get what Sirius people see in her, at any rate. She's tall, nice, blonde, and single.

What's so hot about that?

Fine then. Be shallow.

I've always been a firm believer of looking for what's on the inside.

Oh, do shut up.

I know how ridiculous I sound.

Green's the color of the season, anyway.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ On the typical.

Apparently, I've had a lot to say this year. I'm running out of pages! Ugh, so frustrating. It means I'll have to buy a new one, but I don't want to! I'm almost out of Hogwarts, what good will it do me to start a new diary/journal/whatever when I'm about to graduate? So silly. When I graduate, I want to start a new one, totally afresh, with no used pages. I'm weird like that. Besides, it's like an allegory, no? New life, new diary. It totally makes sense.

Hey, in my head it does.

Anyway, Juliette and I are talking.

I still don't like her, though.

Sirius and I.

Jeez.

What's going on, Merlin?

What's this, what's this?