Liabilities

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ I wanna move you around

I'm not entirely sure what just happened could mean I'm more important in Sirius' life than his current--soon to be ex--girlfriend, but I'm setting 99.999% of my stock that that's what it means. Because, do you want to know what happened? Sirius just agreed to break up with his girlfriend just so we can be friends again. Isn't that absolutely thrilling? I, for one, am absolutely ecstatic. Not only do I get to rub this in on Psycho Barbie's face, but I get Sirius back! Which, you know, is a total plus. I've missed his dumb face.

How did this happen?

Well, see, I, apparently, give Ethan way too much credit on his honor and credibility, and fell right into a trap he and Sirius had set up so he--Sirius--could talk to me.

Yes, I did go to the pitch.

And it turned out it wasn't Ethan, but Sirius who wanted to talk to me. We hashed it out for a while, with me playing the 'rightful b*tch' role I play so well, and him pleading for forgiveness. It was like a scene straight out of a drama play. No kidding. And I loved it, of course. How could I not, since I was the star? But whatever. Things are working out and Alecto will be single again. Now I can hang out with my boyfriend without worrying about it being awkward if Siri-boy's around. We're...fine. And I can't stop grinning, hex me.

All is well.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ She had it coming

I've done a horrible, horrible thing.

And I don't regret it one bit.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ She only had herself to blame

See, I'm the kind of girl who gets bored if things are going all too well. And even if James is acting just a touch weird lately, I still qualify my life as friggin' brilliant. So, to entertain myself a little bit, and to appease some of my insecurities I sent Evans a note. Of course, this happened just a little while before I sent that charmed pic of her to Danni and Rita, but you know, I just found the parchment right now, and I decided to comment how utterly delicious it is to bring down someone you hate. Although I wouldn't really call it hate, but more like...strong hostility. She is, after all, after James, even if she'll deny it right and left.

I don't care who she's seen with, and I don't care if she's 'happy' for him.

I just want to see her cry.

Not that tough to understand, see?

Anyway, we bickered for a while, and I, such a sweet girl that I am, warned her beforehand. And what did she do, the simple girl? She gave me the thumbs up. Now, who's to let that golden opportunity pass up? Definitely not me. And thus, her nude picture on the tabloid is revealed. I'm not sure if I should do a series, or what. If I see that the single picture has done the job, I guess I'll just stop there. If not...well, we'll see what else me and my ingenious friends can come up with.

Until then, sweet days of fielding rumors, Evans.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Vengeance is a plate best served cold

In your face, Alecto Carrow.

Just sayin'.

You were dumped faster than last season's clothes.

And it was all for me.

How does that feel, hm? I bet you'll wish to scratch my eyes out when you see Sirius and I together again. Oh, boy, does victory taste sweet. And Merlin, how I love that loser. He, at least, knows how to keep his word.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ he and I had something beautiful

James Potter and I are in love.

James Potter and I are over.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ why can't you be here now? Can't you see I breathe for you?

I can't explain what I don't understand, and I can't account for events I didn't want to happen. James and I are over, and that's the only thing that keeps running through my mind. Not even Evans can barge into my thoughts abruptly, because nothing matters. Nothing matters, and dear Merlin, I want him back.

But it's not happening, is it?

We're over.

We're over for good.

And we said our goodbyes, and I just had to walk away in that moment, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to leave him. He was miserable for all the wrong reasons, and I? I only caused him more grief. What am I? Who am I to do that to him? I have no right, I have no right whatsoever.

James Potter and I are over.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ I wanna reinvent the heartbeat

I can get through this, right?

I know wearing the bracelet he gave me doesn't help, but who am I kidding? I don't want to stop wearing it. If I do, it'll just be all that much real, and I don't need that. I...don't. Just like I don't need to cry. Because I don't deserve that, do I? What do I deserve, though? Can't someone just tell me? Because I'm so tired of wondering, and not knowing. I don't know anything anymore. What I thought I knew proved out to be useless, so why bother now? I can't keep this up. It hurts.

Yes, of course I can.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Let him go

Move on.

Easier said than done.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Liar, liar

So the first person I have a decent talk with after my breakup with Potter?

Evans, of course. Oh, sorry, does that not make sense to you either? Good, because I was starting to worry it was only me thinking it was absolutely insane. See, I don't even know what possessed me to send out that note in the first place. Maybe it was because Lily was the one who witnessed our breakup with a front row seat, or because she's the girl James was just stuck on for seven years? Well, you choose. I most certainly won't, because what would the fun be in that? I sent her out the note, and during the course of it, I made sure she had understood what I had meant when I'd told her I'd been the one to send that nude picture of her to the tabloid, that I hated her guts, that I didn't want her anywhere near James, and that most likely than not, I would probably still hate her for a while. She, on the other hand, made it clear that she still 'respected me and James' relationship', whatever that means, that she wasn't going to go after him, that she knew he loved me (right), and that she loved him. She kept repeating it over and over, as if I didn't understand the concept. Umm, hello? I was his girlfriend and it was me who actually had to lose him. She can't say that because she's never had him. The idiot was too busy ignoring him and blessing him with her 'holier than thou' attitude to actually have him.

But whatever.

You know what was the most surprising thing of all? She asked for a truce. Beats me what's cooking up inside that fake red head of hers, but I'm not particularly scared. She's too much of a goody-goody to actually do something I should be scared of. The worst that could happen to me was that James is no longer with me, and wait! That has happened already.

I miss him.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Near to you

Sirius has always been my rock and a huge part of my strength. He looks out for me, he takes care of me, and we have the most amazing time together. Of course, the glitch he had with the Alecto Era is absolutely forgotten and forgiven. He's one of my unconditionals, and well, him being best friends with Potter just helped things along the way. I had to know it was too good to be true, because now that I'm in the outs with Potter, things are just weird. It may also have something to do with the note he sent me and the consequences of said note. He was just his complete trusting self, and I of course trust him right back. I'm an absolute weakling when it comes to him, apparently. And he for me too.

More than I realized.

I honestly don't know how much time has passed since Potter and I broke up, because soon after the first week, I realized that keeping tally of that was more lame than what I could actually express in words, so I stopped altogether. As a matter of fact, I've stopped with all things Potter. Except if you account my thoughts...and the bracelet. Which isn't exactly a bracelet anymore after I sent it crashing against the wall before Sirius kissed me. Confused? Good. At least I'm not alone in all of this. Although I think Sirius is bound to be feeling some confusion too, considering the things that happened...three days ago. And yes, I am keeping tally of that. I guess I should just start at the beginning. We were in class, and he sent me a note. Nothing weird there, yes? Obviously, I couldn't leave it at that. I had to go ahead and ask him if it was true that he loved me. Not phrased like that exactly, but in the end my phrasing is the last thing that mattered, because he said he did. And, I, of course, stormed out of there. And Sirius, of course, being the faithful thing he is...stormed right after me.

What happened next...I can't say I'm proud of. I didn't get far before I crumpled into a miserable ball of...well, misery. And that was exactly how he found me. Me, crying my eyes out. I don't know what triggered it exactly, since a love confession is hardly something that makes one break down as hysterically as I did, but it happened. Maybe it was because it was Sirius who was saying all of that and not Potter, and it hurt. Still does, as a matter of fact. But he was comforting, and I just babbled on about how much it hurt, how I just couldn't stand it, and in general just made an absolute fool of myself. Which means I was more honest than I have ever been in a long, long while. Like I said, Sirius is my rock. And I just spilled everything. That word vomit Pierre is so adept at? Yes, it's contagious. I couldn't stop myself, and for once, I don't think I wanted to, which is probably why I didn't. I told Sirius how I feel every day. How I miss James every day. How it hurts. How it doesn't make sense. And how miserable I am. I was a whiny, bitchy mess of a girl, and he was there. He heard me out, even if he shouldn't have, because it was incredibly selfish and unfeeling of me to be blabbering of that when he'd just confessed he loved me, but like I said: I couldn't stop. And I needed him there so badly. I absolutely needed him to keep me grounded. I've done stupid and idiotic things in my life, but this has to be in the top five at the very least.

But what he did next topped me by three miles, because Sirius Black kissed me.

What I did, though, blew every record established so far, because I kissed him back.

After that, of course, I just had to push him away, say 'your're not James' and run away.

Absolutely breathtaking, no?

Yes, don't tell me.

I've been crying my eyes out for three days straight. Give me a break, will you?

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ But it's taking so long

Is it ridiculous I'm avoiding him now?

Every time I catch a glimpse of him, I remember what I did, and I hate wincing. Actually, I hate feeling guilty, and that's what happens every time I see his stupid, albeit gorgeous face. He's not a rebound guy. Well, in this case, he's not my rebound guy. He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't need this, and I...I'm just confused.

I guess at least I found the cure for Potter infested thoughts.

Except it's been traded for Sirius infested thoughts.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Don't let me go

You said you loved me
More than anyone else could ever know
But now you're leaving
Can't wait to strive to work this out
And I've never been one to beg

The nights get lonely
And all I have left is a memory of you
I tried to say this
But now there's nothing left for me to do
And I've never been one to beg

Please don't go, just stay
I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away
Miss your voice, and your touch
And if I told you I loved you could that be enough?

An awkward silence
It's been too long since I've heard from you
And I lay sleepless
Knowing that my heart still belongs to you
And I've never been one to beg

Please don't go, just stay
I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away
Miss your voice, and your touch
And if I told you I loved you could that be enough?

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ Don't let it go to your head

Guilt is new to me. Not because I haven't done stuff that merits feeling guilty, but because I just don't experience it on a daily basis--or at all, to be honest. Yes, I know what guilt is because I have felt it fleetingly when I lie to Daddy, or when I saw Evans' devastation after the leaked picture of her was published on the tabloid. But it was easily discarded and forgotten. After all, there are some things a girl just has to do, and suck up the consequences if you she wants to win. So no, guilt is not something of importance in my life. It doesn't alter my way of living because it doesn't exist in my way of living.

So, can someone explain to me what this dread and leaden weight that has settled in the pit of my stomach is? I keep seing Sirius' shocked and hurt face after we he kissed me and I blurted out the most idiotic thing one could say to the one guy who has just confessed his feelings to you. And it wasn't just any guy. Oh no. It was Sirius Black. My Sirius Black. The one who can (could?) light up my day instantly. Maybe that's why I handled it so poorly? No, who am I trying to kid? I handled it poorly because he really isn't James and he will never be, no matter how much that hurts.

Oh, sweet Merlin, I have to talk to James.

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ You said you loved me

I talked to James today. I couldn't help it. Guilt was eating me up inside, and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I just wanted to get rid of all of this, and I honestly thought this was the only option. I don't know why I feel guilty over kissing Sirius back, considering I don't owe anyone an explanation except perhaps to Sirius himself, but I had to tell him. And now I've spilled it out. It's in the open, and it didn't really do much. I don't know what I was expecting, but...it was bland. His response didn't showcase anything, and I in turn just got hurt even more when he told me he had something to confess.

He and Evans kissed.

You have no idea how much I'd love to say that it was Evans who launched herself at him in a desperate attempt to garner his attention, but when he was telling me this, it sure didn't sound like a one-player thing. They kissed. Willingly. And I think I die a little every time I repeat that either in my head or right here. Because even if dramatism weren't my natural color, the perfect image of them locking lips is too easy to bring up forth in my head. Because they make sense. They always have and...

Here I am, beating myself over this again. If you must know, nothing good came out of this note. Yes, I was that much of a coward. We agreed we're at a standstill, him and I. Because, for one soaring moment, he told me he loved me still, and that he was basically in the same position as me. And as relieving as it was to read that, it still doesn't fix things. See, there's this thing called being brokenhearted. Which I had always underestimated and brushed aside, but holy shit, it hurts like a little motherfuc--

Whatever.

We've said our goodbyes.

What else is there to expect from him?

[Marlene McKinnon]

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[ That's what you get for falling again

I have to start acting rationally, don't I? I've just been moping around, completely useless. It's been more than a month since James and I broke up, but I still can't get over it. Deep down I know it's because I don't want to get over it. Come on, let's get real. I was James Potter's flippin' girlfriend. And he loved me. And I know what a lot of people are thinking nowadays as they see me walking in this zombie-like state: "what's the big deal? Surely someone who has slept around as much as McKinnon has experience dealing with this kind of crap." It's true, you know. At least to a certain extent. It's just that I don't have any experience getting over James Potter. Falling out of love? Yes, I have. I mean, the whole ordeal with Ludo Bagman sure didn't fly by me totally unmarked, but if possible, this is not the same. Or it's very muc the same, except different to the nth degree. I'm not making any sense, am I? I love Potter and I have to get over him, which is where the similarities begin and end. I love James more than I ever loved Ludo because I was with James when I fell for him and he for me. I got to boast and flaunt it to the world. I was free to keep on falling for him and little else mattered because we were an item. t was expected. Girlfriends love their boyfriends. That's they're supposed to do, damn it! So of course I'm having trouble getting over him because I don't want to. That's the difference. With Ludo I wanted to and I had to. With James, I just have to if I want to move on. Which isn't particularly appealing to me, considering that moving on means to let go, and I don't want James to go anywhere.

I just want him here.

With me.