Liabilities

[Marlene McKinnon]

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 14

[ Didn't I see you crying?

I'm fucking killing the guy. I don't care if he took me to the infirmary, and I don't care if he was nice, and gentle and just plain loving. I don't care! Who does he think he is? Leaving just like that?! What an ass!

Hope he rots in hell.

Forever.

Dear Merlin, and to think that I considered forgiving him! HA! What a laugh I am.

Jesus H. Christ.

I guess it's good he's gone now.

Otherwise I would've jumped his bones killed him already.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 15

[ You can sell our secrets for your benefit

So, I ran into Am today. Poor bloke. I'm pretty sure he didn't know what hit him. You can't blame me, though. He's too cute sometimes, and so gullible! I feel like a kid with a special treat every time I'm around him. He makes me feel wanted, and appreciated, and everything that turd Bagman doesn't. He was a good mood lifter, that's for sure. Amory was the first person in days I didn't bite his head off for just being there. How could I, when he was so comforting, and oh dear, he gives the best hugs ever. I swear I could hold on to him for days without end. And I would too, if it weren't for that little conniving wench, Vivienne. Can you believe it? The little chit! She'd kept it all to herself, but guess who's she dating now? Uh-huh! I couldn't believe it myself either, and if it hadn't been Amory the one to say it, I would've called BULLSHIT without batting an eye.

So yes, it's true. They're dating. She's snatched him. I knew being single was getting to her, and of course, she snagged the poor, unsuspecting boy. Gah. When I found out, I had half a mind to go and dig up that Ravenclaw, but of course I'm too self-centered for that. What I did was infinitely better, though. I mean, kissing him and hugging him with no after-effects whatsoever to worry about has to be rated on the top of my 'Moments List' for this week. Hell, for this whole month. I haven't had my best days lately. No wonder nobody comes close. I was just this pathetic mess of self-pity. I bet they could smell my self-loathing from miles away, and I'm not exaggerating mate. Nobody touched me even with a stick before I was snarling and biting their heads off. Or kicking their sad excuses for toned butts. I've so got it still. But whatever, he's managed to bring me out of the dumps. For now. I'll just sit and wait for the bad mood to hit again, and it'll be the same little cycle again.

Sigh.

I miss the boy already. Let's just say I'd like him to be a bit older, and things would be oh so right. Me with my rebound boy, and him...well, he would be with me. Isn't that enough for anybody?

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 16

[ You can toss our bodies in the ground

Haven't you had one of those days, where all you wanted to do was vent? To a random stranger who can't judge you for who you are, or what you've done in the past, or who you've shagged in this and next lifetime.

I have.

And let me tell you, that was L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G. Something I hadn't experienced ever since I was born, I think. And I couldn't have better aim. Goodbye horrid humor, goodbye stressful days and restless nights. Welcome...Sweet Cheeks. Lame isn't it? But lame in that good, deliciously yours sense. Sweet Cheeks isn't mine in any sense of the word, at least not the persona. But the nickname sure as heck belongs to me, and solely me.

Perhaps I should elaborate, right?

Today was particularly crappy day. See? I'm even using the word 'crappy'. I was feeling that way because I had just realized that even if Ludo ditched Ravenna there was no way we would ever be toge some things, and well, the lesson was nothing worthwhile. When they start preaching about special Glamours to hide horrible face deformities I'll consider paying attention. Especially if there's a whole chapter on moles. But so far, the Hogwarts' educational methods have proved to be disgustingly boring, and rather crude in the impartition of so-called sacred knowledge.

Whatever.

Anyway, back on track. On this particularly crappy day, I vented on a scrap of parchment and followed a strange impulse to just send it out to whoever wanted to snatch it. What did I have to lose, anyway? And thus a legend was born. And thus, Sweet Cheek came into the picture.

That's what I nicked my reply-er and Merlin, have I flirted today. I hadn't realized how hard it is to leave all thoughts of physical appearance aside and just have words to concentrate on, but once I got the gist of it, the fun started rolling in.

All I've got to say is that Sweet Cheeks has made me forget about Ludovic Bagman.

At least for today.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 17

[ You can ship our children off to battlefields.

So I've hated on Indigo enough, I guess. I mean, we've hugged and made up, that's got to count for something, right? A lot of shit has gone down, I've got to admit it, but come on. It was time for us to come to our senses. Spreading false rumors about someone gets old pretty quickly. I don't know how Rita does it as a damn profession. Then again, I guess I'd be like her if I actually liked doing it. It gives me the shivers to even consider it.

Anyway, you ask how this came to be? Pretty simple. It only takes one crying tree-hugger and a Gryffindor Princess to sort things out. Oh, and a near bitch fight.

But see? It wasn't that hard.

I knew she'd come around, sooner or later. It feels so good to be in good terms with her again, though. Kinda tough to hate someone who's so much like you. It's like...hating your reflection.

Nearly impossible.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 18

[ You can wipe the blood from both your hands.

I refuse to think on what happened. Or what might've happened, anyway. Because I'd still like to pretend believe that there's some sense of self-righteous dignity in me that prevented me from doing anything remotely idiotic.

Yeah right.

Who am I trying to kid? It's you and myself, stupid book, so I guess I can afford to be frank here, aye?

I totally came on to one Jagger Rose.

Imagine that.

Except then, I didn't know who he was, except how much he disgusted me, and I still did it.

Ugh.

I was drunk, ok? And I was having a crappy evening. You know, I'd gotten pretty good at pretending nothing was going on, like I usually do, but apparently I'm bipolar or something. I should be on meds, seriously. So I decided to go out, and totally dissed the bitches I hang around in favor of going to the Hog's Head...alone.

In a skimpy dress.

How much of a slut am I?

I think I slept with the next Flower Power wannabe.

Please let's not share this with anyone. Otherwise I may just die. Ok, thanks.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 18

[ Hello there.

Are you kidding me? I'm flirting with a guy through notes. And enjoying every second of it. Why should I even try to deny it? I mean, nobody knows about it. Our code names, our shared laughters over the random-est of things...it's cool in this freakish way. Can you actually fall for someone you don't know? I mean, my personal reaction is 'hell no', and I still firmly believe that. I'm not falling for this guy, I'm just wondering what it would be like, falling for him and not knowing how he looks. Not only would it be completely out of character for me (which would just merit some props to the guy), but it's just...not done. Looks are always important. We both agree on that. We also agree that we're superficial, but that there's something more to it. How frigging perfect does that sound? Ha. I'm getting excited over words. Oh, if Daddy could see me now. I'd probably be instituionalized at Mungo's.

Which is the reason I won't tell.

Not a single bloody soul.

What?

Sue me, I'm paranoid.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 19

[ It's a party

Narcissa Black should not throw parties and invited jerks.

Just sayin'.

Then again, I do realize that if said thing actually happened, then Narcissa Black wouldn't have any people left to invite.

Maybe I should look in further to finding out exactly why she and I get along. So weird.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 20

[ Someone call the doctor. Got a case of the love bipolar

So apparently the Whomping Willow is thee place to go for a hookup. Who would've thought, hm? The tree scares the shat out of most of the students, and boy, do they know what they're missing. Amory Kerr, hello? Yes, I know, I know. He's two years younger, but he's single, I'm single, I wanted it, he asked for it, what the hell? The kid suddenly sprouted a backbone, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't surprise me. And turn me on. Just a little, I swear. Seriously, come on! The kid only stutters and mutters and hesitates whenever he's around me. It was nice seeing him take things into his own hands when I was acting like a bipolar mental case. So what do I do? Invite him to my dorm of course. Ugh, don't even tell me, I know how much of a slut I am. But I can't really say I regret it. I really really don't. He's...great. And ok, maybe he was my comfort fling, but what a fling, ladies and gentlemen.

Anyway, I gotta run.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 21

[ Kiss me, beneath the milky twilight

I kissed James friggin' Potter. In the common room, while skipping Potions.

More details and freakout later, I gotta run. Daddy wants me to pull up my marks, and I think I've skipped enough today.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 22

[ Shut up when I'm talking to you.

Ok, talk about mood killers. Or, you know what? Let's not. Otherwise I'd just have to focus on how Sirius Orion Black is dating Alecto Friggin' Carrow. Not only did that totally ruin my high from my previous encounter with James, it's turned into a total nightmare in a matter of minutes. Of course I had to talk with Sirius about it, and he practically threw our friendship out the window. But we'll see who buckles first. It won't be me comforting him when Alecto decides she's through with him. No matter how much she denies that will happen. Apparently she 'likes him'.

Utter shite if you ask me, but nobody's doing it, so screw them.

Just don't expect me to play the role of comprehensive friend after the shat hits the fan. They can go to hell for all I care.

Together.

While I'm happily dating James Potter, thank you very much. At least I think we're dating. Either way, I'm fine with it. But I'd be more thrilled if we were an item. That way Lily Evans has no right to step on my toes anymore.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

So, you wanna hear about it? I was dozing off on the common room and --

Ugh, nevermind. I'm still too wound up from my talks with those two shatheads to even consider mellowly spilling this on paper.

Idiots.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 23

[ They're gonna clean up your looks.

Ludo what?

Seriously, after this? I wouldn't give two knuts for that Ravenclaw. Honestly. James Potter has managed to overthrow that stupid Quidditch Ravenclaw player. And when I say player, I mean it in every sense of the word. I mean, sure, what we had was brilliant (who can deny that?), but if he thinks he can pull a disappearing act just like that, and expect me to still be all hung over him just because of some fond memories, he's sorely mistaken. Ah-bviously, if he's capable of moving on, so am I. And who better with than Amory Kerr James Potter? Head Boy and prankster extraordinaire. Who cares if until just recently he wa spining after one Lily Evans? Hello? It's me we're talking about. Besides, we've dated before (so what if it was in third year), and even then I could tell there were some unresolved issues between us when we broke up. And don't even get me started on the chemistry, 'cause I'll blush beet red, and probably need someone to fan my cherry face. Yes, James has is it all, and I find myself thinking about Ludo less and less. This was just the last shove the turd needed to fall off the cliff of my mind, and disappear for good.

James Potter.

Honestly.

And, guess what? More good news! Despite the total annihilation of my good week, courtesy of Bitch #1 (Alecto) and Idiot #3 (Sirius. Number one and two correspond to Ludo and Ethan respectively, for reasons that are more than obvious, of course). I'm meeting James in a couple of hours. I'm actually picking the outfit I'm gonna wear right now. I mean, sure, it's a weekday and all, but come on. You've got to admit that I have to look good. Not only for my typical good-looking self, but to keep any comparison to Lily Evans at bay.

Yes, ok, I admit it, dammit. I'm scared.

I really don't want to ruin this.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 24

[ I lose myself in all these fights. I lose my sense of wrong and right.

Okay, that didn't go well. Like at all. Needless to say, I'm not really looking forward to meeting Sirius again in the near future. Which, you know, will be kind of impossible due to the fact that he's best friends with my boyfriend. Hah. Life is such a pain in the ass sometimes. I should've just told James all about it, and then maybe he wouldn't hang out with Sirius when I'm with him. He'd be able to understand my zero tolerance level for someone who called me a whore right to my face. Not the first time and definitely not the last time, but...it's Sirius. And even if I feel like a major whiny girl for saying it, it bloody hurt! He was...well, he was my constant in this place. Boundaries with him were blurry but not non-existant, and I liked that. I liked the way he hugged me and whispered stupid things in my ear. And gah. It's now all over because of that stupid freak and him not being able to think with his head and--

Whatever, I'm over it.

I hate the bloody bastard.

I won't tell James, but I will make it a point to ignore him from now on. The git doesn't deserve my attention.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 25

[ Just bend the pieces 'till they fit

He's...he's godamn dreamy, that's what. And I'm pretty sure the cheeky idiot knows it. At least now he should. It made me feel so...territorial, when he spelled out his insecurities. Like...I hadn't realized how much shit Rita was putting us through. How many doubts she can actually feed. It's insane. Hope I was reassuring enough. We can't keep focused on the deep end of our emotions long enough, but I think the issue was resolved accordingly.

Sure felt like it when we entered that empty classroom.

[Marlene McKinnon]

JOURNAL ENTRY 26

[ Relax. Just do it.

I have decided that James Potter is good to me. I haven't felt this good in...a really long while. So relaxed, so at peace with myself. I've got to admit that being with Amory was good for me too, but this...this can't compare. With Amory there was always this little nagging at the fringes of my conscience, telling me that I would never be able to give him what he really wanted, and even if I wanted to, it wouldn't be able to happen. He's two frigging years younger than me. And yes, I am pulling that card out again. Seriously. I mean, could you picture me dating someone who's younger than me? I can't say it wouldn't be a blast, if the other night was of any indication but... I'm not really willing to face a mass of disgruntled people pointing fingers at me for cradle robbing, or whatever. Even if Amory is capable of making his own decisions, they wouldn't see it that way. Of course I would be the corrupt-er instead of the corrupt-ee. Or whatever, I'm not even making sense. My point is that it never would've been able to happen, no matter how much we wanted it. Or if I had wanted it. Which I don't. Because I have James. And James...dear Merlin, I can't even begin to describe it. It's horrible of me, but I tried comparing it to what I felt for Ludo, and...Ludo doesn't even begin to explain. It's...ugh. I hate myself for not having the exact words as to how James makes me feel about myself, about others and just the frigging world in general.

I've been with this sappy smile pasted on my face all week, and no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, I just can't, and I've finally given up on trying. Why should I try stopping something that's so obviously good? I have to learn how to revel in the things that are given to me, especially when something like this doesn't come that often. James is a great guy. I think the reason as to why he's kicking Ludo's ass on my emotions is because he isn't Ludo. And that is enough for me. He treats me well, he knows my moods and he knows me. And it's so relaxing, and exhilarating and...

I've given up trying to explain.

He's so bloody brilliant, and Merlin, I can only hope he feels a fraction of what I'm starting to feel. I don't know what it is, but it sure scares the heck out of me. For now, though, I'll close my eyes, breathe in deeply, and inhale his smell that comes from his Quidditch jersey I'm currently wearing.

I'm dating James freaking Potter!

And I'm loving it.