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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 3, 2009 21:38:42 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 73 [ That's the way it isFact #21: Not even shopping can stop me from feeling insecure around her disliking Evans.
So, after my absolutely successful shopping spree (Daddy's vault is considerably emptier, I feel obliged to say), I decided that if I wanted my plan to go accordingly, I needed to keep things moving. I've been slacking off, see? I've only handed out invites to a couple of people (Pierre so does not count, considering the idiot won't even show up), and I've spread some word around, but I feel as if it's not enough. Of course, I've already ordered the crates of drinks and whatnot, what fool would I be if I didn't start there? But I feel I'm not quite ready yet. So, of course, I started out simply enough.
I mean, I had to invite Evans, you know? Call me morbid, call me obsessed, do whatever you want, but I couldn't just not invite her, no matter how strongly I hate her. She's Sirius' friend (disgracefully) and well...would I be a horrid person if I admitted I also want to see how she and James would interact when thrown together in the same room? I don't care what agreement she and I have, and I most certainly don't believe James' bull about him loving me 'so much'. There's unresolved sexual tension between them, and you just need a little push before you see them almost going at it in the halls.
Crude, much?
Yes, but life's that way sometimes.
Or maybe I'm just bitter.
Whatever.
She's going.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 3, 2009 21:54:50 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 74 [ He wanted her, but she'd never tell the secret that she wanted him as wellAnd just when I thought things couldn't get worse...
Shows how much I know, right?
Because I keep trusting people I shouldn't, and pretending that everything is fine, when I know it isn't. Because no matter how busy I try to keep myself, somehow James still manages to sneak into my thoughts, even if it's for two seconds just before I fall asleep to his laughter echoing in my thoughts. Because no matter what I tell myself, it hurts.
It hurt, you know.
To see them kissing.
To see them so happy.
For him to say hi to me and leave to be with her.
Permanently, from the likes of it.
Can you blame me for leaving after that?
I don't care what people think.
I don't.
I don't.
James and Lily are together.
If that's not enough to bum the hell out of me, then I don't know what is. Thing is, I kind of made it too obvious by the way I left. It's just this stinkin' pride. And that small slice of myself that still cares a little bit of what James does. Truth be told, that said slice is getting thinner and thinner, but man, that was such a way to wound the ego, don't you think? And now I'm here, huddled, scribbling away in my diary, trying to ignore tears that I'm not entirely sure why they exist.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 3, 2009 22:29:16 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 76 [ I'm not afraid of anythingLife.goes.on, Marlene Sophia McKinnon.
So choke back that knot in your throat, stop being a coward and go down those stairs to that common room. Ignore their comfortable selves and walk out. Go to the Quidditch Pitch. Go to the locker room and check out those worked-out abs of other Quidditch players.
Do anything but rot in your misery.
To be honest, your heartbreak theory is getting quite sickening and pathetic. You're your own person. You've gone that road already in the past, do you really want to do that again? Do you really want to let yourself go so thoroughly that you don't even recognize yourself when you look in the mirror anymore? Do you want to fall into that hole again, where every day you would wake up the taste of salt in your lips, because you didn't realize you had cried yourself to sleep the night before? Do you want that for you? Do you seriously want that?
You've got plans, you've got vitality, you've got a life. So get a hold of yourself, pump up that music and go break some hearts instead of breaking yours over and over again.
Love,
yourself.
P.S. You need a new lipstick color.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
|
Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 3, 2009 23:28:23 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 78 [ There's no point in thinking about yesterdayI'm so tired, I don't even feel the tip of my fingers anymore. I've finally handed out all the invitations, and I've finally managed to close my eyes and not see the image of them together in the back of my eyelids. I think that's called moving on. Either that, or being too drained to give a fuck. Oh, look at that, I've taken to cursing openly. while something starts, another thing ends. It's the cycle of life, and we're all too stupid to see it until it slaps us straight in our faces and wakes us up to something we never thought we'd experience: reality.
I'm too young for this philosophical crap, and yet, it keeps running through my mind. Summer's coming, and with it, freedom. Freedom I'm afraid I won't know how to experience. What will I do? What will I say? Where will I go? All I know is that I want to get away from here. Nobody is strong enough to keep me tied here. Nobody, nobody, nobody. Nobody's worth it. Indigo can keep her Ethan, Ethan can keep her Indigo, Pierre can keep his bitterness, and James can keep his Lily. Nobody's worth shit anymore.
Nobody except Sirius, perhaps.
But that's another story.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 3, 2009 23:49:37 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 79 [ I'm trying to keep my cool, I know it showsRemembering how everyone asked about the apple makes me smile. Remembering just why I chose an apple makes me laugh. Laughing > smiling. Any day, hands down. Especially when Sirius is the real cause of it.
It seems so far away, when I think about it. How Sirius and I used to hold this on and off relationship in which nobody else mattered but us. We always came first with each other, and it's silly how I find myself missing this. Of course, we're okay now, and we'll be even more okay after the party's over, but...I don't know. We were unconditional. We were a 'forever' type of pair. Not necessarily in our relationship(s), because Merlin knows we never did manage to stick to one state (whether it be friends or an actual couple), but we've always been, you know, together. Maybe not as boyfriend and girlfriend, but definitely as...something.
It's the best things that remain unnamed, I think.
So Sirius and I?
Yeah, we're definitely unnameable.
I remember when we first 'went out officially'. I was so nervous that day. I agonized over what to wear, how to flash my smile how to...I was such a child. Still am, I guess, because just thinking about it makes my heart race and a stupid, silly little grin spread on my face. He showed up--late? I can't remember, but I was there before him, and I remember that my hands were sweating as I waited. But it was well worth it, because he showed up with an apple, and it was awkwardly wonderful and so ridiculous I couldn't help but laugh. We held hands, I confessed I was nervous, and we told each other how much we liked each other. And then...we kissed.
And it tasted like apples.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 21, 2009 21:52:44 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 80 [ I'm tugging at my hair, I'm pulling at my clothes.Lalalalalalalalalalala.
How about we focus on the fact that I haven't thought what I'm going to give to Sirius as his birthday present?
Yeah, let's, shall we? I even made a frickin diagram, for Chrissakes. How sad is that? Of course, I was bored out of my skull today, so it was either that, or dropping dead like a rock on top of my desk today during lectures. Somehow, I don't think Professor McGonagall would have appreciated that. So, while it looked like I was taking notes, I was actually doing little diagrams that may, or may not, help me to delve deeper into Sirius' psyche and decipher what is it that he desires the most and give it to him physically.
It's not as easy as it sounds, I assure. While Sirius is a very basic individual with equally basic needs, he's the kind of guy who's had everything and was just fine when he got said 'everything' taken away from him. It's so weird! And unexplainable. I know for sure that I would have died if daddy refused to fund me. It's so...okay, yeah, not the point. Anyway, do you think I'm any closer to figuring out what he wants for a birthday present?
...I suck.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
|
Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 21, 2009 22:39:43 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 83 [ Are you afraid to say that you want to?He liked it.
He liked it.
No, I don't think that's enough emphasis in order for people to understand just how thrilled I am with all of this.
HE.LIKED.IT.
And we rode it.
...damn, I've got to get my mind out of the gutter.
I'm so happy, I can't even begin to explain it. Things couldn't have gone more smoothly. I mean, aside from Alice's running away (which, you know, favored me in the end) and some other uncomfortable subjects, things just went fabulous. And I mean it! I was losing my head there in the last days, but it was so worth it. Sirius loved his bike--yes, I gave him a motorcycle. I mean, it's such a guy, and totally Sirius kind of thing, how did I not think about it before, right? I mean, what guy wouldn't love a bike? (Pierre excluded, that is) So, when that idea went off in my head, I ust had to do it, you know? I mean, I didn't have any other ideas, and besides...well, it had to be grand, okay? Not only to surpass whatever Alice could give him, but to show him how sorry I am for all the things that have happened. Besides, if there's anyone I kinda want to shower with gifts right now is Sirius. Especially after he asked me to go out on a ride with him.
Oh yeah, did I mention we left everyone in the dust as we kicked off?
Yeah, that's right. We left everyone, and we went for a ride in his brand spankin' new bike.
Did I mention he loved it?
I did?
Oh well, he fucking loved it.
There, I've said it.
Now I can continue gloating.
Thank you, Life.
I owe you one.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 23, 2009 23:28:32 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 84 [ Won't be seventeen foreverLife's good when I'm not whining it away, you know? I'm more at peace with everyone now that I've ordered myself to stop being such a whiny, prissy little girl. I'm legally an adult, and I think it's time I start acting as such.
...sometimes, anyway.
That's what school is for, isn't it? To help you grow up, and blah, blah, blah. You live your worst and best experiences here. When you're here, you should learn to hate it and love it; when you're gone, you're supposed to miss it. I can't deny it. There's a place in my heart reserved specifically for Hogwarts, no matter how ready I am to get out of here, I know I will cry on graduation. (Note: wear water-proof glamours) There are so many people I know I will never see again, and while I'm grateful for that, there are some people that I will want around in my life. It's going to be hard, paving your way out there, even I can admit to that. I'm a spoiled, little brat, with everything handed to me in a silver platter, but there will come times when I know daddy won't be able to pull me out from whatever riot I get myself in.
And damn, that's scary.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 23, 2009 23:44:27 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 85 [ Holding on to your grudgeSo. I'm okay with Sirius, I'm okay with Indi, I'm okay with Ethan, I'm okay fine with Pierre, I'm okay with Benji, I'm okay with Frank, I'm okay with Lucy, I couldn't care less about Alice, I'm okay with Lucas, I'm okay with Rita, I'm okay with Livy, I'm okay with Jake (?), I'm okay with Kitty, I'm okay with Bella, I'm okay with Aceline, I'm perfectly fine with my other M&M, I love Kiki and Regulus is hanging around.
Guess who I'm not okay with?
I'll give you three guesses and two hints:
They're in Gryffindor and they're dating.
I know that if I want to get out of here with no regrets and no wishes to look back, I need to make peace with those two. I need closure.
I just dislike them so much right now.
And yeah, it's personal!
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
So there, I quoted a dead someone.
Okay, yeah, I can't talk about this.
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Marlene McKinnon
1977 Graduate
Supplemental Character
Cheerleading Coach
near to you
Posts: 1,583
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Post by Marlene McKinnon on Oct 24, 2009 0:12:05 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 86 [ And keeping quiet is hardShould I or shouldn't I?
I mean, I know I can't lose anything to it other than my sanity and temper, and there's a lot to gain yeah right. I can get a life lesson out of it or, you know, whatever.
...me trying to be mature about this isn't working, is it?
Argh.
I just want answer to questions I don't understand. Why do I think she's the one who holds the answers? I don't know. But I mean, she has to have something right? Otherwise James people wouldn't be so crazy about her. I can't ask for anything more. She makes him happy, and he makes her happy. In the end, that's all that matters.
Siriusly.
Oh yeah, I'm cheesy.
Buuut, I'm deviating. I have no problem admitting that I'm scared. At least to my diary. Ask me again in public, and I'll probably slap you or insult you for even insinuating it. I'm that two-faced. Ah, it's these childish games. Savory and petty, but useful all the same.
It's not that I'm jealous.
Even if I am of their happiness.
But this is not about that anymore. Like I said, I need closure, because I'm so ready to leave them in the dust. And as sad as it is, I think talking to Lily Evans is the first step in the right direction.
...I hate myself sometimes.
Siriusly.
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