Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

[Lily Evans]

INSIDE COVER

If you are reading this because you are just so interested in my fascinating life and just had to look all over the dormitory until you found this journal under my mattress, or if you simply stumbled across it, please put it back because, honestly, you're being incredibly nosy. If that doesn't stop you from reading then...oh well.

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[Lily Evans]

Wow, I haven't kept a diary in ages, but I think that, seeing as this is my last year, I should start storing my memories and such, plus it is also proving to be the most stressful year so far so having a journal to vent in sounds very appealing to me, especially with what's been going on lately. Things between me and Tuney only seem to be going downhill -I hadn't thought they could get worse but, apparently, they could because they are. God, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired to trying to patch things up when she's obviously not interested in mending the rift between us, but I can't just give up now can I? She's my sister. I'd be a very terrible sister indeed if I decided to just give up now. True, I'm not making any progress -in fact, I might even be making it worse, which would be just terrible if it's true- but at least I'm trying.

That has to count for something, right?

And as if that isn't enough, I'm getting those ridiculous nightmares again. I thought they had stopped, but apparently they're going to continue with their on-and-off pattern and it's even getting worse. I have to wake up and burry my face into my pillow to muffle my screams, it's that bad, and God but they're vivid. It's like I'm there again, in that tiny hole with the walls of dirt pressing around me, aspixiating, trying to scream for help but no one can hear me...

God, it's starting to sound like some sort of horror story, but it's just the truth. Exactly what it felt like, and exactly what the nightmares include. Is it odd that I remember every single detail of what happened even though it was so long ago? Almost twelve years -shouldn't be that enough to forget? Oh if only it were. I could definitely live without that burden. Seriously, though, they seem to be getting worse. Everything seems to be getting worse, doesn't it? Now I'm starting to sound like one of those drama-queen, oh-woe-me, whiny teenage girls. Just what I need. I'm not telling my mother or my father, though. They don't need that sort of thing on their minds.

I'm sure Tuney would be happy to know I'm suffering

That was a horrible thing to write. Petunia isn't mean. She's just...well, I suppose she's jealous, for lack of a better word. I don't blame her, honestly. I would have probably been jealous if I had been in her shoes, but I think she is taking it a bit too far. It's been years...why can't she accept me already? Why can't she be happy for me for once, why can't she willingly write to me and, instead of telling me to stop writing to her, actually make pleasant conversation. Is it really too much to ask for? I don't think it is. Childishly, I wish there was some spell to make things all better. But I know better than that. Magic can't fix everything -especially if it's something non-tangible like the relationship between my sister and I.

Doesn't stop me from wishing it could, though.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; O N E

[Lily Evans]

Okay, here are reasons why the world has gone mad:

• I talked to Potter James today and I didn't get mad once.
  
• We spoke like civil human beings.
  
• Not once did I call him an arrogant toerag
  
• I told him I didn't hate him (which I don't, but still)
  
• I told him we could be friends (!!)
  
• I told him about the nightmares (!!!!!!!!)
  
• I'm calling him JAMES now (or trying to anyway) (!!!!!!!)
  
• I'm writing about him in my DIARY
  
• Ja Pot James and Remus aren't talking (!!!!!!)

The world really HAS gone mad, hasn't it? Or maybe it's just me who's becoming completely and utterly mentally unstable? Because, really, who would have thought that I would have a whole conversation (on paper, true, but still) with James and not get annoyed or yell at him or anything and actually suggest that we might become friends! Because that's what happened today, see. We spoke together through notes. I mean, he was the one who started so, really, I guess that part is at least normal, but I continued the conversation (sort-of). I mean, I even opened the whole "not being as fine as I was saying I was". God, sometimes I wish I could just keep everything to myself.

I just HAD to add that "I guess".

So anyway, he asked and, instead of lying or dodging the question, what did I do? I told him the truth. About my nightmares. I mean, I guess it is not that big of a deal, but it sort-of is because I only told a select few about it, and I never would have imagined that I would tell James Potter, of all people, about what haunts me at night. I mean, it just isn't how the world works. I've hated disliked (hate is such a strong word) him for about...what? Six to seven years? And yet here I am, being completely civil to him and even telling him one of my (sort-of) secrets.

!!!!

The world has officially gone mad. Maybe if I look out of the window I'll see pigs flying. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I did!

...Okay, so there aren't any pigs flying around Hogwarts at the moment, but I'm sure there actually might be somewhere in the world a pig who could fly (the result of a spell gone awry, perhaps?). Anyway, the point is things like this just don't happen. You don't suddenly start speaking civilly to someone you previously looked upon with disdain, do you? And, all right, so my opinion of Pot James had changed significantly from the start of the year -ever since he stopped pranking and hexing everything that breathes-, but I hadn't exactly gone around talking to him, at least not properly. Yes, I see him at rounds, but we only exchange a few pleasantries and that's about it.

Ugh, I don't even know why I wrote all this, I just can't seem to get my head around how I feel about him -as in, whether I like him enough to be his friend or whether I still dislike him. I'm so confused at the moment...

Oh! And apparently Remus and James aren't talking...? That was a surprise, those two (and Sirius...and Peter?) are the closest friends I've ever seen. And it was over a girl, too. Well, not really. Apparently she tricked James into telling her some big secret about Remus and Remus found out and now Remus is mad at James...? Seems awfully unfair on James, but it's really none of my business, is it?

Still, I wonder what the secret is. Must have been pretty huge. Hmmm...

Well, that's all for now!

^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; T W O

[Lily Evans]

I really should be concentrating on my classes more often rather then writing notes but, in my defense, I have not started either conversation so, really, it's not my fault if I'm not focusing on class.

Well, anyhow, my note-passing partner today was Regulus Black. He passed me a note that was, to be honest, not quite a flattering one since he pointed out that a) my hair was a mess and b) I needed to straight my tie. Not a good start, let me tell you, but to be honest he isn't that bad. Yes, he's a stubborn, arrogant arse but he doesn't strike me as the type to be evil or anything ridiculous like that yet. But then again, an exchange of notes does not mean I know him, because I don't. My opinion of him still remains unknown since I do not want to judge him too quickly -he seems to suffer from that a lot, I think I detected a hint of bitterness whenever he pointed out that people tend to assume he's a bad guy without even taking the trouble to get to know him.

I actually felt a flash of sympathy for him. A Slytherin. It seems I really have gone mad.

The note-passing was surprisingly amusing and -dare I write it?- fun. There was a lot of heated debating going on, but surprisingly I didn't get too annoyed with him -at least, not at first, but I did get pretty irritated when he called me naive and..oh yeah, he practically called me an attention-whore since he's under the (mistaken) impression that I liked it when Potter asked me out every single day. Hah. Other then that, we argued about teachers, Dumbledore and -surprisingly- James Potter was a star in our conversations. As in, he came up a lot. I'm not quite sure why, but I spent most of the time that I was speaking to him actually defending James.

Seriously, don't ask me why (not that you ever could, I meant it figuratively and...oh nevermind. I'm not crazy yet.)

Anyhow, I surprised myself by saying that James really did deserve being a Head Boy. And I really do believe it. Everyone deserves a second chance, even people James Potter and Regulus Black. Most just don't want to give them that chance.

I do. So there.

But then, I haven't been very pleased with my own way of thinking lately. For example, I can add another few things to that aforementioned list of why the world has gone mad:

• I spoke to Regulus Black civilly
  
• I defended James Potter
  
• I agreed to meet him at the Three Broomsticks after rounds are over

See? The world really IS going mad, it's official. Woohoo for me. Gods, I don't even know how I'm going to slip from James to go and meet Regulus. And yes, I am going. I made a commitment and thus I'm not going to chicken out. Even though I feel horrible for considering it because I'm supposed to be a role model. Role models don't sneak out to Hogsmeade after hours to meet boys.

Granted, it's not like I'm going to do anything with Regulus, but still!

Well, I'll think of a way. I always do.

And...that's all for now.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; T H R E E

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[Lily Evans]

Well. I met up with Regulus at the three broomsticks, like I said I would. The night was...interesting. Definitely. And it ended with a surprise. I'm still not sure whether it was a pleasant one or not. Still deciding on that. But it was a surprise none-the-less. What that surprise was? Well.

We kissed.

Me and Regulus Black. Well, he kissed me. And you know the crazy thing?

I kissed him back.

I, Lily Evans, kissed Regulus Black.

Who would've thought?

And you know what? I liked it. As a matter of fact, I loved it. It was a great kiss. Unbelievable, right? But there you go.

It's almost as unbelievable as the fact that I actually, on some level, connected with Regulus. We actually have quite a lot in common, him and I. Except there's one huge difference between us: according to him, he's already f*cked up. I'm just waiting to. Isn't that nice? And he mentioned a girl too. Not by name, but I suspect it's either Indigo, or Bella - or both. I don't know. He would tell me some things and then other things? Other things he would just...keep to himself. I feel like he didn't let me in enough.

But then, why should I expect him to? Why would I want him to?

Ugh, too many questions. I'm going to bed.

Oh and by the way? Apparently, I'm meeting up with him again. He's going to teach me how to fly.

That should be...interesting.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; F O U R

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[Lily Evans]

Rita Skeeter is a nosy bwitch. She seriously needs to learn to keep her nose out of other people's business. More importantly, out of my business. That girl is unbelievable and relentless. I honestly never meant to tell her anything. But I did.

And I regret it. Of course.

I was just in the library, minding my own business and putting away some books when she pounced and started to ask me all these questions. I, uncharacteristically, lost my temper. And I regret that almost as much as what happened next. Aside from that, I was doing fine. I didn't tell her anything. Honestly. And then?

And then she left me and started crying.

I should have know then, damn it. I should have known it was a trap, that the tears were fake. I should have just let her go. And on some level I knew all that and yet, stupid me, I felt sorry for her. I couldn't consciously just leave her like that. So what did I do?

I told her that Regulus and I had a drink and just talked.

And that I was confused because James and I were being civil.

I. Am. Such. An. Idiot.

Jesus, I just know this is going to come back to haunt me.

I just know it.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; F I V E

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[Lily Evans]

I. Am. Officially. Mad.

Completely and utterly mad. As if it's not bloody bad enough that I have no idea why I'm so bloody bothered by bloody J -Potter and Marlene, I had to go and ASK him about it. That's right. I, Lily Evans, idiot extraordinaire, asked James Potter about his going out with Marlene McKinnon. And, at this very moment, I want to KILL myself for it because I am absolutely INSANE. Insane. There is not a shred of sanity left in me, I tell you.

Because why else would I mention it to him?! Why else would I even talk to him?! Why, why, why, why? And why does it bother me so much that he's going out with her? It shouldn't matter, but it does. Oh, and even worse -he's over it. He's over me. And that bothers me.

DAMN IT.

It bothers the hell out of me and I don't know WHY. I'm so bloody annoyed with him right now, but I'm almost annoyed with myself because I'm supposed to hate him. Now I don't know if I ever hated him. I don't know ANYTHING right now. I don't know what's going on with my life, I don't know how I'm feeling or how I'm supposed to be feeling, I don't know zilch. Nada. Nothing. And I hate that so much. Damn J- Potter, confusing me like that. Why do men have to be so damn confusing, huh? Why does it upset me that he hates me. Because he does. I know he does. He practically said it himself.

And honestly? I can't blame him. I was such a b*tch to him these past years. He thinks he's not good enough for me. I...don't know how I feel about that. Honestly. I just...I didn't mean that. I...I...

I don't know ANYTHING right now. This is all just one huge bloody mess. I'm a bloody mess and I hate it. It's awful. If I could take it all back...I would...

I really would.

And I don't know WHY.

So what if he hates me? It should be mutual. It should be...but it's not. God. I'm not making any sense. I think I'm going to turn in for the night. It's been...a long day.

And THAT's the understatement of the year.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; S I X

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[Lily Evans]

Every time I think about the old days
I find rivers in my eyes
Don’t ask me my plans for the future
Your guess is as good as mine
Give me a sign
Don’t know what I’m asking for
‘Cause I don’t know anything anymore

I used to try to have all the answers
To know what was coming down
But trapped inside of the logic
Loneliness was all I found
But give me a break
My heart is an open sore

And I don’t know anything anymore
The future is a mystery
I don’t know anything anymore
The past is just history
I don’t know anything

But this moment is a gift of pure perfection
That’s why the best present is today
You can point it in any old direction
And you can go there, but you can never stay

So let us laugh and let me love you
Let’s live out our favorite plot
Make this a time to remember
The present is all we’ve got
But give it some time
The future’s an open door

Since I don’t know anything
I don’t know anything
I don’t know anything anymore

^{Lyrics: "I don't know anything anymore" -Sara Messenger}

[Lily Evans]

Oh my...I never knew how painful heartbreak can be. I never realised what it would be like to have your heart ripped out and then stomped all over right in front of your eyes. I...I can't deal with it. I just -oh great, my hands all shaky again. I can't believe I actually said it. I'm such an idiot, how could I even think of admitting that to him of all people. I just....I still can't believe how completely and utterly daft I am. I couldn't have let it well alone with that damned note could I? Yeah, we exchanged notes. Again. What is that, the third time in less then two weeks? I think that's a new record.

It was not a friendly note. As a matter of fact, it was even worse than the last one. There were...a lot of capital letters and he made it pretty clear how much he hated me and I just...I couldn't handle it. I just...

I just had to follow him.

I don't know why. Or I didn't at the time. I know now.

Because I love him

.

Him. I love him. James Potter. I love James-bloody-Potter.

Oh the irony.

But I'm too late. Much too late. He's with Marlene now and...f*ck, he's happy. He's so happy with her, and she's happy with him and I...I can't...I'm not that selfish. I refuse to be that selfish. I can't mess this up for them, it'll just be...

I just...

I can't. I won't. I deserve this, I deserve to be heart broken and a complete and utter mess. After all I did to James -and what I'm still doing to him just by saying those three stupid little words!- I deserve all of this pain. He doesn't. I do. Because I'm just so stupid. Why am I realising this now? And why did I have to go and admit it -did I really think I had a chance with James Potter after he'd made it so clear he didn't want anything to do with me?

Yes, yes I did.

God, what an idiot I am.

And, Gods, my head hurts so much. And I'm pretty sure I look a mess. I do not want to go to classes tomorrow.

Speaking of which...I missed my last lesson, Transfiguration because I was out at the pitch crying my bloody eyes out. That's right, I, Perfect Little Miss Lily f*ckingp Evans missed a lesson. Great.

Gods, I wonder if there's an antidote for heartbreak.

Doubtful.

At least I know why the idea of him and Marlene bothered me so much, right? Hah.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; S E V E N

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[Lily Evans]

I'd like to run away from you
But if I were to leave you I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me
And yet I'll never try

No matter what you do you drive me crazy
I'd rather be alone
But then I know my life would be so empty
As soon as you were gone

Impossible to live with you
But I could never live without you
For whatever you do (For whatever you do)
I never, never, never
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

You make me sad
You make me strong
You make me mad
You make me long for you
You make me long for you

You make me live
You make me die
You make me laugh
You make me cry for you
You make me cry for you

I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you
Then I love you more
For whatever you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

You treat me wrong
You treat me right
You let me be
You make me fightwith you
I could never live without you

You make me high
You bring me down
You set me free
You hold me bound to you

I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you
Then I love you more (I love you more)
For whatever you do (For whatever you do)
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

I never, never, never
I never, never, never
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you
But you

_{Lyrics: "I hate you then I love you" -Celine Dion.}

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[Lily Evans]

Things to do:

• Stop thinking about James Potter
  
• Concentrate more on class
  
• Stop thinking about James Potter
  
• Oh and did I mention: STOP THINKING ABOUT JAMES-BLOODY-POTTER??

I did? Well, not nearly enough times. This is absolutely RIDICULOUS. I refuse, REFUSE, to let him be the reason for my grades slipping or whatever. REFUSE! He can't POSSIBLY be worth all of this...this...GAHH

But, unfortunately, he is. Damn it. I was bloody happy with being bloody oblivious about my bloody feelings. I was perfectly content with hating him so much. So why on Earth did I have to go and have that STUPID realisation, huh??? GODS, I'm so annoyed with myself. Why couldn't I just let him go? Why, why why?

Oh and I just remembered I have to meet Regulus on Sunday for 'flying lessons' or something. I wouldn't be surprised if I fell off my broom or something because I'm so distracted. Because, apparently, I can't go an hour -scratch that, I can't go ten minutes without once thinking about James-blood-Potter, and it's like I'm seeing him all over the place. Seriously, I can't believe how quickly my supposed hatred for him turned into this sick obsession. Was this how he had felt before?

Actually, no, ignore that too. He couldn't have possibly been in love with me. When you're in love with someone, you don't get over them that easily, right? Because I don't see myself forgetting all about this sort of...infatuation I seem to have for James. I'm not going to let it rule my life, though. I just refuse to let it.

If only it were that easy.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; E I G H T

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[Lily Evans]

Well. At least I know James has loyal friends. Remus Lupin being one of them. I was out by the lake when Remus came up to me. I guess he noticed I was distraught...I mean, it was pretty obvious since I pretty much yanked out most of the grass around me or something equally odd like that. I must have looked pretty weird, but ugh that's not the point.

The point is, he chewed me out about the whole James situation.

Only, he didn't know what happened. He just...he didn't. I guess James didn't tell anyone. That's good...I think? Only now I just feel worse because, well, now Remus doesn't seem to like me very much. I mean, I guess I can't blame him since James is his best friend (which, once again, makes it even more strange because why would James not tell his own best friend?!) but I wish he didn't say all that, because he doesn't get it.

I tried to patch things up with James. I tried to talk to him.

And then I messed it all up. Of course I did. That's my specialty, apparently. Messing things up with James, that is. I seem to be doing that a lot. I don't want to, anymore. We've been avoiding each other -we split rounds and everything and, honestly? I haven't talked to him since. I guess it's easier to avoid people when they, in turn, are avoiding you.

I just...I didn't think Remus would say all that, is all. I guess I don't blame him. From his point of you, I've been avoiding James and just antagonising him even further and not making up my mind or something -I'm not sure, I wasn't really concentrating, to be honest. But...ugh. I just feel worse now. I just...want to see a friendly face, that's all. But I don't know if I can really tell anyone. I don't know...

...we'll see.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; N I N E

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[Lily Evans]

Today, I ran into Ethan in the courtyard. I hadn't talked to him in a while so, naturally, I was all for sitting down to have a little chat. Only, it wasn't just any casual chat between friends. Oh no, we used to the time to catch up and, you know what? Ethan and I both seem to hate our respective lives at the moment. Me, because of James - of course, who else? And Ethan? Because his best friend, Jackie Fontaine, apparently didn't seem to need him, and because of Indigo. The former was pretty confusing because he kept going on about heroes or something? And the latter - well, it's pretty self explanatory. Anyone who is friends with Ethan knows about him and Indigo. Oh yeah, and he mentioned Bella, too.

I think it was obvious that I had something on my mind - understatement of the year, honestly - because he kept asking what was wrong.

So, I told him. Everything. About James, that is. I told him that I'm in love with James. And that I'd actually blurted it out, like the idiot that I am. I still can't believe it, even now. Even days after it has happened. It's just - unbelievable. Who wouldn't have known that I, Lily Evans, would end up being rejected by James-f*cking-Potter.

Yeah. I'm not proud of it.

I didn't tell him about Regulus. Of course not. Ethan would have probably flipped out. I don't even know where I stand with Regulus anyway. I mean, I think I'm going to see him tomorrow, about the flying thing. So I guess we'll see then. Ugh, I can't even think about that. I've already got so much to deal with -

Hell, maybe this thing with Regulus will be a good thing. Maybe, Regulus will -unknowingly- help me get over James. I'm not saying I'll fall in love with Black instead - we're not that alike, and I just don't think we're...compatible? Meant to be? Whatever - but at least, perhaps, I'll learn to fall out of love with James. Wouldn't that be nice?

Will I be, in essence, using Regulus? Maybe just a little. Do I feel bad about even considering it? Once again, a little. But I doubt his intentions are pure either. Who knows? Maybe after this, Regulus and I will end up being friends.

Crazier things have happened.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; T E N

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[Lily Evans]

I think I've now picked a habit of note-passing. It can't possibly be good for my grades or whatever, but in my defense most of the time I am not the one to strike up the conversation. This case was no different. A boy, Tyson Adams to be more specific, pointed out to me the embarrassing fact that my underwear was showing and, apparently, some perverted Neanderthal next to him had been getting quite the eyeful. Just what I need, right? Ugh.

Anyhow, Tyson is quite entertaining and friendly. Our conversation was generally light, except for the part where I had to go and mentioned James Potter and Regulus Black. Well, technically, I didn't mention them. I insinuated it, but he'd already heard about it, thanks to Rita's lovely tabloid or whatever it is that she calls it. Ugh, I swear, reading all that about me just makes me want to hex her into last week. At least she doesn't know about my being in love with James.

Yet. It's only a matter of time, after all, right?

Ugh.

Anyhow, back to Ty...It was an interesting conversation, to say the least. We breezed through random topics, the weather, mothers always retelling embarrassing stories, baby-talking around adorable things. And I managed to avoid the James and Regulus topic, at the very least. Speaking of which (I seem to be doing that a lot, ugh) James is officially depriving me of sleep. Indirectly, of course, but truly he is. It's mostly my own fault because, what do you know? He's somehow managed to enter my dreams.

No, really. I dream about him.

It's ridiculous.

And, to say the least, they are not particularly pleasant.

Someone please make the world spin in the right direction again for me, before I truly lose my mind. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Is that really too much to ask for? I don't want to be thinking about James-bloody-Potter 24/7. I don't want to be hurt by the idea of him and Marlene-bloody-McKinnon being together. I don't want to envy Marlene because she got him first. I don't want to force myself to smile everyday because I'm afraid someone's going to catch onto how unhappy I am. I don't want to have to fight tears every time I see him with her. I don't want to keep wishing that I was her.

There's a lot of things that I don't want -- and the one thing that I do want?

I want my bloody life back.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; E L E V E N

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[Lily Evans]

Remember Ty? Yeah, I met up with him. In the courtyard, which seems to be my chosen place to rant about James Potter, apparently. Because that's exactly what I did. Ranted about James, that is. To Tyson Adams, of all people. Someone who was practically a stranger -well, not really. More like an acquaintince. But still. I can not believe I told him everything, what had happened and everything, just...everything. He didn't judge me...I mean, I don't think he did.

The odd thing was? He seemed pretty confident that I was going to "get" James in the end. Which is simply ridiculous. I will never "get" James. Not while he's with Marlene, and even if he wasn't with Marlene...like I told James before, we clash. We're too...Oh, I don't know. I just...

Ugh, you know what? New resolution: I will not mention James again in this diary.

We'll see how long that lasts.

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^{_____________________________________}
P A G E; T W E L V E

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