Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

[Lily Evans]

I don't know what possessed me to do it. I don't know why I decided to seek out Marlene McKinnon, of all people. I really don't. I really must have lost my mind. That's it, isn't it? I've absolutely lost my mind. And I can't even bring myself to care right now. Well, anyhow. I had been planning on seeking out Marlene to tell her. About what I told James, that is (yes, I already broke my resolution, whatever). But when I actually went up to her in the library, I stupidly mentioned James first and she completely flipped out. And I mean it, too. She immediately jumped to conclusions, accusing me of sleeping with James. As if James would ever do that to her. As if I would ever do that to anyone. I have never, and will never, be the "other woman". Besides, I can't do that to Marlene.

Because...because she loves him.

I mean, she has to love him, right? She wouldn't have looked so upset if she didn't when she assumed that James and I had...yeah. Well, anyhow. I managed to calm her down eventually, but not before I was dragged off behind some bookshelves and received an earful. She's as bipolar as James, I swear, but whatever. Guess they really are perfect for each other.

Good for them.

Anyhow, I did something extremely idiotic -I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I told her we should be friends. I told the girl who was currently dating the man that was I in love with that I wanted to be friends with her. I really have lost my mind, but what was I supposed to say? Marlene is my house-mate, hell she's my dorm mate, I can't hate her or anything simply because she had seized an opportunity that I had allowed to slip through my fingers, like the idiot that I am. At least we parted on good terms...right?

Right.

And since my resolution to not talk about James is pretty much null, I'll say this:

It hurts to see him walking through the hallways and in class. It's awkward and painful and...

I hate it.

And...I wish I could hate him.

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[Lily Evans]

I really wish he would just stop talking to me.

Honestly, I thought that after all that happened, James would want the most minimal contact with me possible. And I'm fine with that. Honestly. It's easier to go about my daily life when he isn't talking to me, and when I don't see him 'round every corner, and when he's not just there and -

Ugh, anyway. Apparently, he can talk to me. The conversation, however, was not pleasant. Surprise, surprise. Apparently, he found out that I talked to Marlene. And he's not happy. Of course he's not. I'd promised him I'd stay out of his business, right? And what do I do? Go talk to his little girlfriend. And, apparently, that was a huge mistake? Because he wanted me to leave him alone so, apparently, I can't talk to his girlfriend either? Next thing you know, he'll tell me to stop talking to Remus and Sirius and Peter. Not that I talk to Sirius and Peter much anyway, but Remus? Remus is my friend. I hope. I don't even know anymore.

Anyway. He told her.

Marlene, that is.

He told her that I told him that I was - am - in love with him.

Sh*t.

Apparently, she was livid. And "very, very upset". Of course she was. I mean, she must see me as a thread now, right? Because I told him that I loved him. And to think I almost considered being her friend. As if it's not enough that I have to go through James hating me - that I have to go through loving someone who wants nothing to do with me - but now I have Marlene-frigging-McKinnon annoyed with me. And everyone knows what happens when you piss off Marlene.

I am so screwed.

But honestly? I don't care. Nope. Don't give a damn. She can do her worst. Whatever. At this point? I don't care about much. I got a nice, big fat E on a Potion's essay the other day. My first "E" ever in Potions. The Professor was so shocked. I wasn't. I just don't give a damn.

This is what you do to me, James-f*cking-Potter. I hope you're happy.

I'm sure he is.

Anyway. Aside from that, the subject of Bella was brought up. He decided he wouldn't switch his rounds because we have to "talk" about her. I am concerned about her - and Sebastien is, too. I think she just needs a friend or something. I don't know. We'll see what James has to say about this.

I'm going to bed. So bloody tired.

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P A G E; F O U R T E E N

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[Lily Evans]

I had an interesting conversation with Jackie Fontaine today. As in, Ethan's Jackie. Although, according to her, she's not "his anything"? She was obviously pretty frustrated with him, to say the least. Him and Rita Skeeter, although that's nothing new. I think most people are annoyed with Rita. I can't blame her (Jackie) though. Rita posted all about her suicide in that stupid tabloid of hers. Honestly, how many more lives is she planning on ruining? Honestly?

I think she gets some sort of sick pleasure out of it. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

But anyway. I told her about Ethan. What he told me and everything. She was pretty pissed off when I told her, and I couldn't exactly blame her. Ethan can be pretty stupid stubborn...and, all right, he can be pretty stupid too, but who am I to judge?

We formed an alliance of sorts. We're going to retaliate against Rita. And Ethan, I think. I dunno if it'll happen. I mean, I hadn't talked to or met Jackie before now. What are the odds that I'll ever talk to her again?

Pretty much zilch.

Oh well. It was nice to talk to someone who didn't hate me at any rate.

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P A G E; F I F T E E N

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[Lily Evans]

Well, I spoke to Remus today. Apparently, he now knows that I'm in love with James. Apparently, James only just told him about it now. Kind-of unexpected since Remus is supposedly James' best friend and all, so I thought he would have told them all and everything...Perhaps he even told Sirius. Well, anyway, it doesn't really matter. Just as long as he doesn't go around telling everyone. I don't need everyone knowing why I've been so strange lately. I wouldn't be able to stand it. They're just better off not knowing about it at all. I haven't told anyone about it, that's for sure. Well, except for Sebastian, and he didn't even really have any advice for me or anything. I didn't exactly expect any advice from him, it was just nice to have someone to lean on for a while. Haven't told him about Regulus, though. God no. He'd bite my head off, for one thing.

Anyways. Remus and I had a brief conversation. After he apologised for...not being very nice, I asked him about how him and Bella were doing. Apparently, Bella's been getting herself into trouble? With Rabastan Lestrange of all people? Hah, sometimes I get the feeling that Bella just attracts trouble. Not that I know her that well, personally, but from what I've heard from Remus that seems to be the case. Then again, who am I to talk? I'm not exactly Miss Avoid-Disaster-That-Well myself, what with the whole thing with Regulus and all...

Speaking of Regulus...He took me to London last night, as our first "official" date. Yeah, we're dating now. I guess we've been a "couple" for a while? I think I've counted it as such ever since he took me flying. We've seen each other a couple of times since? And acted...couple-like, if that's even an expression/phrase/word? God, does that even matter? No, no it doesn't. Anyhow. The date was...nice. I don't think I've ever seen that side of Reg. Hell, I didn't even know that side even existed. He was...sweet, almost? Yeah, I suppose. He was nice. And the date was nice. And I can't really seem to say anything but 'nice' today because I'm still a little surprised about what happened.

I lost my virginity last night.

That is all. I'm going to bed.

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[Lily Evans]

I, apparently, am not cut out for keeping a diary. When was the last time I updated this thing? Can't really remember for the life of me, but whatever. The Valentine dance is coming up. Regulus and I aren't going together. I'm not really surprised, to be honest. I mean, everyone would throw a fit if they knew. We're "secretly" dating, after all. No one knows. Not even Sebastian, or Remus, or anyone, really. And I'd like to keep it that way, thanks. I won't go to the extent of saying I'm ashamed of Regulus, that's not it at all. I just know that everyone will react badly to it, and I'd rather be spared all the lectures and rumors and "ohmyGod"s. Although Rita already mentioned it in that damn tabloid of her. That we'd gone out to drinks, but that's it. I think that's enough to cause speculation, though. Lovely, isn't it? Just what I need.

Anyhow.

Regulus already has another date lined up for him. Justine something or other, can't exactly remember. I don't care that much, which I guess can't be good? I mean, shouldn't I be just a little jealous? But I'm just...not. Because it doesn't really matter to me that much, I suppose you could say? God, I sound like a cold b*tch and I hate it, but the fact of the matter is, while Regulus and I are dating there's no...love? I guess? I mean, I care about him. And I think he cares about me too? At least a little. Enough to refrain from ridiculing me in public, and to be nice enough about my lack of...ah, how do I say this delicately? Need to be...intimate? Right, that sounds about right. I'm surprised he hasn't said anything about that. Then again, what can you expect from someone like me anyways? Whatever.

I'm going with Sebastien. Haven't asked him yet, but I'm sure he'll say yes? I remember him telling me he had no intention of going in the first place, so now he has a reason to go. I guess this means I also have to go and buy dress robes. For once, I'm not in the mood to shop, but whatever. Madam Malkin's, here I come.

Oh, and I wrote to Tuney again last week. No response until now.

Figures.

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[Lily Evans]

I hate Valentine's day.

To some people, it's a reminder that they're single. To me? It's a reminder that the person I'm in love with is in love with someone else. Surprised? Don't be. James is in love with Marlene. Should have seen it coming, it's just so bloody obvious. But I found out that James is, in fact, in love with Marlene. Hell, he yelled it out for the whole world to know. And you know what? I didn't want to know. Big surprise. I didn't think it would hurt that much to hear the words from his lips, but it did. It does. And no one can prevent that sort of hurt. Not even Regulus. And I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...

Oh forget this. The ink is smudging too badly. I'm going to bed.

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P A G E; E I G H T E E N

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[Lily Evans]

I lied to Remus.

Probably the one friend that I've talked to the most (since we have patrols together and all) and I lied to him. Not to mention the fact that I hate lying, and that I'm horrible at it anyway. Plus, he...he knows. Or, well, he's only speculating about it, but he thinks Regulus and I...well, that I'm associated with Regulus. Which I am, obviously. But - I can't tell him. I can't tell him about Regulus. I just...I can't. If he finds out...if Remus knows, he'll blow it completely out of proportion. I don't doubt that he can keep it a secret - I know Remus, I trust Remus. He would know the dangers of Regulus, or anyone else finding out. He has to know. But I'm still not going to tell him. I can't. I just..no, I really can't tell him. I just...

I can't.

And I...I won't.

We have rounds today. Wish me luck. Here's hoping he won't be too upset with me?

God. What a mess.

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[Lily Evans]

I told him.

Bloody hell. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut. But there was...he was...he apologised, okay? He apologised for being a good friend. For being concerned. God, how messed up is that? You're not supposed to apologise for something like that. It's just - and then he offered me jelly beans and I felt so completely awful that I...I had to tell him. Remus is my friend. I couldn't keep lying to him. I just couldn't. It's not like me at all. I should have never lied to him in the first place but - what could I do? I couldn't keep lying to him. I couldn't keep up a stupid smile and eat the bloody jelly beans with him while pretending everything was fine and dandy. I had to tell him. I had to.

He...didn't take it that well. No, not that well at all. He might have...lost his temper a bit? I don't blame him. I mean, if I had just found out that my good friend is running around with a dangerous Slytherin, I would be pretty concerned too, and angry if she had lied to me about it. Well, at least now he knows. And he promised he wouldn't tell anyone. I just hope he sticks to that promise. I don't want to have to worry about Regulus erasing my memory because I can't seem to keep the stupid secret to myself. I'm not like him. I'm not like Regulus. I can't just...lie to everyone.

Maybe I'll tell Alice too. God knows I need to talk about it properly to someone. And that someone just isn't going to be Remus. He wouldn't...he wouldn't understand? He didn't understand, not really, when I told him my reasoning. Although, I suppose my reasoning wouldn't make much sense to anyone but me? I don't know. I just...

I don't know.

I hope he really doesn't tell anyone. I really do.

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[Lily Evans]

My increasing tendency to do something stupid continues to surprise me. I spoke to Marlene today and you know what?

I gave her the "green light" to have her revenge.

No, I kid you not. I practically gave her my blessing. I think my exact words were something along the lines of "do your worst". Yes. I actually said that. And that I didn't care. Because you know what? I don't care. I truly and honestly couldn't care less. Or I didn't, at the time. But right now? Starting to regret it. Just a little. If only because Marlene is capable of a lot.

But whatever. She can't possibly break me any more than I've already been broken.

...right?

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P A G E; T W E N T Y - O N E

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[Lily Evans]

I really must be a masochist or something. I don't even know why I bother trying to talk to James anymore. For whatever reason, I told him about Marlene's..."threat". Even now, after I've mulled it over, I still don't know why I did it. The point is, I talked to him. And upset myself all over again. I really don't know why I keep doing this to myself when I know that every single time I talk to him, the conversation ends with him being annoyed with me and me with the little pieces of my heart aching even more.

But I still told him. Just that Marlene was planning on "getting revenge". I might have lost my temper a bit, but could you blame me? He said the desk in front of him was "more enjoyable". Not that I'm surprised. Sitting at that desk was Marlene, I'm pretty sure. Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. I already know he dislikes hates me. Every time I talk to him it just emphasises this fact. Just as much as him switching rounds with Remus has. I'm supposed to stop thinking about James so much, aren't I? Move on and everything since he's obviously still so in love with Marlene.

Still not working.

Bugger it all. I'm done talking about him for now.

Speaking of Remus, he hasn't really brought up the Regulus topic once again? Which I'm forever grateful for. And speaking of Regulus, I haven't seen him much lately. I'll admit it, I haven't noticed that much - and I feel bad about it, of course. Because we're supposed to be a couple, right? Only, I don't feel like a couple at all. Not really. More like...friends who kiss occasionally? Merlin, that sounds terrible. But it's true. Maybe it's time to end things.

I don't know. We'll see.

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P A G E; T W E N T Y - T W O

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[Lily Evans]

Well. Marlene came through.. Then again, I knew she would. What do they say? Revenge is sweet? I hope she bloody chokes on that sweetness.

Whatever. I had this coming. Hell, I literally asked for it.

I just didn't know she'd destruct me so thoroughly.

I think I'm still in shock. I can't speak. I can't think. I can't cry. I can't...I can hardly breathe. I can barely write in this stupid thing. I just...I can't believe she would do that. But then, of course she would. McKinnon wanted the perfect way to hurt me - no, not hurt. To destroy me. And yeah, it doesn't say that Marlene is the one who did it, but I'm not stupid. I know it was her. How many people have seen it? Even worse - how many people believe it? The bloody thing looks so real. How am I ever going to walk through the hallways tomorrow morning? Hell, I'm tempted to skip classes all together, if only to avoid all the looks I know I'll be getting...

F*ck, I hate her so much right now. She's ruined me! Go to hell, Marlene-bloody-McKinnon and take that bloody tabloid with you.

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P A G E; T W E N T Y - T H R E E

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[Lily Evans]

^{Thread in progress, entry subject to modification XD}

I can't believe how paranoid I've become. It's the third day and I still feel as if everyone's looking at me, judging me. Yesterday was even worse. Of course, the fact that I probably looked a mess most of the time probably hadn't helped any. Either they're all staring because a) my eyes were ridiculously red and puffy from crying myself to sleep as soon as the shock wore off, b) because they'd see the tabloid or c) all of the above. I'll bet it was mostly c). I mean...who doesn't read the tabloid? God. I wonder how many people believe it. It sometimes amazes me how most of the student population here can swallow things so easily without thinking about it. But I digress. I'm just waiting for something else scandalous to happen so that people finally stop...looking at me like that.

In other news...

Sirius Black is in love with Marlene McKinnon.

God. I'd been putting off writing that, because now that the words are actually in front of me, it's harder to not believe them. Sirius Black. Is in love with Marlene. Who's in love with James. Who's in love with her. Who I'm in love with. And who's also Sirius' best friend. Merlin, what a bloody mess. I still don't want to believe it. God...why did he have to tell me? I didn't want to know - because - because - it's just -

Well. At least someone is in my shoes, huh? Oh God. What a horrible attempt at optimism. I'd never wish the place I was in on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. Not even Marlene. Sirius is in love with his best friend's girlfriend...okay, so maybe he's in a worse position then I am. At least I'm not really...betraying anyone? Although, I suppose Sirius can't exactly help himself. He probably didn't even want to fall for Marls. Just like I didn't want to fall for James. But it happened, and we can't do anything about it. Oh and another thing? He, apparently, punched Regulus. That's why he came - well, stormed - up to me in the first place when I was sulking drowning in my misery in front of the Whomping Willow. To inform me that he had punched his own brother. I'm not really sure why, but anyway. He accused us of being a couple and I, like the idiot that I am, confirmed it. And then I told him that I'm in love with James. And how I know I'm in love with him.

And then he admitted that he was in love with Marls.

And that he'd told James that he had "feelings" for Marlene. But, apparently, not that he was in love with her.

What a mess.

Oh! And another thing? He made me promise that I would tell James about Regulus. Otherwise, he's going to tell him himself. Brilliant friend, right?

Great, just...great.

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P A G E; T W E N T Y - F O U R

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[Lily Evans]

Well. I did it.

I told James about Regulus and I. And nothing good came from it. What, surprised? Don't be. I knew nothing good would come from it. And yet I did it anyway. Why? I'm still not sure. It doesn't really matter anyway. Why?

Why, because James and Marlene are over.

Yes. They really are. They broke up. Right in front of me. Sometime after James admitted to me that he was in love with her. Oh? And they still love each other.

I'm trying to figure it out myself. And failing miserably. How could two people who love each other simply agree to break up?

And another thing? James is heart broken.

And I feel like a complete and utter b*tch.

So what else is new?

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P A G E; T W E N T Y - F I V E

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[Lily Evans]

I think I should break things off with Regulus. Really, he's better off without me. And probably vice versa, too. I mean, honestly. He wouldn't want someone who was in love with someone else. He couldn't. I don't even know what I'm doing with him in the first place anymore. Being with him was a stupid, stupid mistake, but not something I can change. I can, however, begin to fix it. But how on Earth am I supposed to break up with Regulus. He probably wouldn't take it well at all. I just know it has to be done. Why? Well...

Regulus kissed me today. And all I saw and thought about was him being James. It's sick and I just can't do it anymore. Whenever I'm with him, all I can think about is James. Especially now that he and Marlene are over. Which is stupid because even if they are over, I can't possibly expect to end up with him. It's just...not going to happen. I know it. He knows it.

But I still can't be with Regulus anymore. It's just...it's wrong. And I just can't do it anymore.

It's over.

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P A G E; T W E N T Y - S I X

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[Lily Evans]

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes

Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to s t a y...

^{"Thinking of you" - Katy Perry}