,,l o s t in {translation}

[olivia]

I love my friends. Like seriously, they make the world go around. I talked to Gabby today. I haven't talked to her in a whiiiile, so it was nice to catch up again. I haven't talked to a lot of my friends lately. Like J, I wonder how he's been. It's seriously been a long time since I talked to him - and he's one of my best friends! Danielle is probably the only one that I've talked to recently - even Pierre! I've been avoiding him, admittedly. Just a little. Not like...obviously. I don't think. Okay, so I'll admit, there was that one time right after I had this, um, particularly, um, yeah dream about him, I might have had that deer-caught-in-headlights look and turned tail and ran away so, yeah, that wasn't too subtle I guess but, like, I'm HOPING he didn't notice? I mean, Pierre isn't really...THAT observant. If he was, he would have noticed my enormous crush on him, right? I mean, it's been two years. Either the boy is blind or...yeah, he's just blind.

I just really, really, REALLY hope he doesn't notice. I mean, cause I have to talk to him eventually. And I will. Soon. I hope. I mean...yeah, I totally will. Of course I will. Soon. I have to apologise and all. And I have to...yeah, apologise. Just you know. Not face to face. Maybe I'll pass him a note one day or something. Cause like...I need a while before I'll be able to look him in the face and NOT imagine snogging him. I mean, can you imagine what my face will look like? Completely tomato red, that's how. STUPID EMBARRASSING DREAMS THAT I'M LOSING SLEEP OVER. IT'S ALL PIERRE'S FAULT, I SAY!!

IT ISSS!!

REALLY!

Truly!

Honestly!

TOOOOTALLY his fault!

Him and his stupid soft lips and stupid beautiful blue eyes and - and -

!!!!!!

BAH I'm hopeless. Completely and utterly HOPELESS.

Jesus...

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[olivia]

I love Matt Evans.

Now, before you completely flip out (nevermind the fact that you're an inanimate object and hence CAN'T flip out...), I mean that completely platonically, mmk? Pierre still holds my heart, goshdarnhim >.< But anyways...as I was saying. I looooove Matt. He's just...so completely awesome! Honestly! I think he's one of those guy friends that I can just completely relax around. Like, to be honest, I suck at flirting - seriously, I just do. No joke. Me + flirting = disaster, methinks. But uh anyway. I sort-of flirted with him? I mean, not really. It was just harmless fun between two good friends. I wouldn't say he's one of my best friends, I don't really know him that well, but he's a nice guy.

Anyways. Where this is coming from? Well, we talked today. Sure, he teased me about the way I looked (I hadn't bothered to change or even brush my hair, yay from being frumpy? I bet I looked reaaaal attractive, haha), and we just sat there and...talked. You know? And it wasn't even proper, serious talk. We just chatted away. About random stuff. For example, sometime during our talk, I became a princess and he a knight-in-shining-armour. And we chose our villians and servants and stuff. And well...it was nice, you know? To just...talk with someone about not so serious stuff. He didn't press me for info or anything and it was just...marvellous!

Anyways...I think it was exactly what I needed. I think now it's finally time to talk to Pierre. I can't just keep putting it off - for one thing, I can't avoid him for forever. Kinda hard to do that, since he's my brother's best friend and all. Plus, I don't want to avoid him. Unfortunately, I can't come up with anymore excuses. I have to just do it. I'll...I'll talk to him tomorrow, during class. Yeah, I'll just...pass him a note saying I'm sorry. And then we'll be friends again. And I can stop avoiding him. Yeah. Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow...

...no pressure, right?

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[olivia]

WHYYYY can't Pierre and I stop fighting??

WHYY can't I stop being SUCH A STUPID IDIOT WHO DOESN'T THINK BEFORE SHE WRITES?

HOWWWW DO I ALWAYS MANAGE TO MESS THINGS UP?!

WHAT is WRONG with me?!?!?!

As if it's not obvious...Pierre and I talked.

And fought.

And I flirted.

And I told him he had a "cute butt".

And I mentioned Jenna.

And he said he wasn't mad.

But he WAS.

Shocked into silence? Yeah, me too.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!

Okay, let's start at the very beginning, hmm?

First of all, I apologised. And he said it was okay, that he wasn't mad. So far so good. And then I asked him if he thought I was dependent. And basically? He practically admitted that I was. But then he said it was okay. OKAY?!? It's not okay!! I'm seventeen years old, being dependent is NOT okay!! And he just went on about stuff like I shouldn't worry about it NOW and blah, blah, I complained about being seventeen and yet still sleeping with a stuff animal and then he said I shouldn't give Pooky up!

!!!!!!!

As if I could ever give up Pooky-kins!!! He's one of my best friends!! Psht, silly Pierre. I don't even KNOW if I WILL give him up. I mean...it's Pooky!! I can't give up POOKY!! Anyways...uhh...moving on! I then proceeded to flirt with him.

Seriously.

I, Olivia Destiny Thompson, flirted with him, Pierre Anthony Scham.

Seriously!!

I mean...I didn't MEAN to. It just...HAPPENED. How? Well, we were talking about what happened before, when I accidentally, uh, crawled into his bed and...I said he was - and I quote- almost as good a bed-partner as Pooky. And that that was a high compliment.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who are you and what did you do to Livy?!?!?

I don't know WHY I did that. And then I said the cute butt thing. I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOLD HIM HE HAD A CUTE BUTT!!

I mean, he does. I think it's a well-known fact that Pierre Anthony Scham has a nice butt and - WHYYYY AM I STILL WRITING ABOUT HIS BUTT?!

Because I'm weird, that's why.

MOVING OOOOON....

I think I sort of ruined it after that, by mentioning Jenna. I told him I had talked to her. Now whyyyy would I do that? Because, I re-iterate: I. AM. WEIRD. And stupid. And idiotic. And clueless. And stupid. And insane. And did I mention STUPID?!?! Seriously! WHY ELSE WOULD I MENTION JENNA? Grrrr. People like me should be, like, forbidden from talking or something. Because obviously all I can ever say is stupid stuff that gets me into arguments with Pierre.

And I hate arguing with Pierre.

Anyways, like I said, it was a big mistake. It just...slipped out. And well...he claimed he wasn't mad at first. But then he called me 'Olivia'. Pierre never calls me Olivia. Never. Only when he's mad. So that was like a HUGE BRIGHT NEON SIIIIGN that he was mad at me. Anyways, when I kept insisting that he was, he told me it had been none of my business. True. He had every right to be mad at me. I mean...GEEZ who DOES that? I didn't tell him what really happened. Oh my gosh, no! I'm not THAT stupid I think. I mean, can you imagine how mad he would be??? He would probably go red! Or maroon! Or purple! Or just a really dark colour! And then he'd proceed to never talk to me again! Ever! It'd be awful! And I'm over-using exclamation marks and capital letters! But I don't care! Because it shows how DARN AGGRAVATED I am right now!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways. I uh. Sort of apologised after that.

A lot.

Honestly.

I couldn't stop apologising.

It was so...STUPID.

I just kept saying sorry, sorry, sorry, over and over. I even apologised for apologising! I AM SUCH A DORK.

Or, according to Pierre, I am so "aggravating".

Psht. He is too

But I love him anyways.

Anyhow I...think we uh...ended on...relatively good terms...?

I...I hope?

I mean...

I called him Pierre Bear?

Oh, and teddy bear.

...he didn't say anything though?!

And I was just teasing!!

Honest!!

Although...Pierre could be described as a teddy bear. A very temperamental teddy bear. But one all the same. He's very cuddly, after all...OHMIGOSH, I did not just write that! Geez! >.< I need to lay off the sugar, obviously. Ugh.

And...just for old time's( haha) sake.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I'm done XP

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[olivia]

Remember aaaaages ago Pierre advised me to put myself out there more? Well, right now I'm gonna take his advice to heart. I need to be more independent, right? So how much more independent can you get then actually asking someone out?

Yup. I'm gonna ask someone out.

I don't know who yet. Or when. Or how. But I will do it. Somehow.

And to help me with this endeavor, I went through the yearbook (just Gryffindors...for now), copied pictures, cut them out and now I'm going to compose profiles or lists or what-have-you. I don't know what to call them. Anyway...here we go:

...

Okay, this is hopeless. I've accumulated two "Maybe"s, three "??"s and the rest are unattainable?? What. The. Heck?

Maybe I'm going about this wrong...>.>

Or maybe I'm just not cut out for this dating thing.

I dunno.

Should I give up hope?

I dunno!! >.<

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HEY YOU GUYS if anyone doesn't like the fact that their charrie is up there ^ then just let me know and I'll delete -nodnodnod-

Oh and most of the pics up there were stolen uhhh borrowed from the yearbook xD

[olivia]

Guess who I talked to today? Jacob Edwards. Yup, one of my "Maybe"s. He sent me a note telling me I looked tired and listed off possible reasons for that...and they were all correct. Seriously, it's so weird how...perceptive he always is of everything around him. No, weird's the wrong word...it's awesome. Like seriously. Most people just live in their own little bubble, but Jacob doesn't. I mean, I doubt anyone else would have noticed - let alone cared - that I was seconds away from falling asleep. And the fact that it was during History of Magic - my favourite subject!! - is even worse! I mean, I even thought the topic was a bore! ME! The one who is, quite possibly, the ONLY person in the WHOLE school - well, okay, among my friends anyway - who LIKES History of Magic. I blame sleep deprivation. Honestly. I mean, I couldn't get ANY sleep yesterday. I just stayed up, thinking of all the ways that I could change.

Because that's what I want, right? To change. To become less dependent, more independent. I mean...I haven't done anything yet, but I'm taking steps, right? Like the whole list thing and - oh! OH!!

I JUST REMEMBERED!

Gosh, I'm so scatter-brained. I was GOING to say that me and Jake talked amiably for a while, and then, guess what?! I ASKED HIM ABOUT THE SIGN LANGUAGE LESSONS! Yup, yup I did. I'm so proud of myself! FINALLY! I mean, I've only been thinking about it since, what? December?? No, before that even, maybe. It's about time I took the initiative and asked him. Now we have a couple of months to work on it before the summer! YAY! Because, as if that's not obvious enough, he AGREED! And he thought it was very cool that I wanted to learn...? Which is good! I didn't tell him everything about Alex yet. I just told him that Alex was "special". Surprisingly enough, Jake didn't pry or anything. That just gave him a hundred brownie points right there and...well...

...what if Jake becomes more than a "Maybe"? What if I upgrade him to a "Definitely"?? And ask him out?? Because, really...Jake is just a great guy. Honestly. I mean, let's look at this here:

[/u][/center]
[li] He has one of the most amazing blue eyes I've ever seen (I don't want to seem shallow, but seriously. They're beautiful. Might even give Pierre's a run for their money, haha)
[/li][li] He loves Quidditch (That was like, a MUST. Then again, a lot of guys love Quidditch...)
[/li][li] He PLAYS Quidditch (there we go...xD)
[/li][li] He's funny (sense of humour is a must, too)
[/li][li] He knows sign language (I mean, of course he does...)
[/li][li] He's really sweet (really, he is)
[/li][li] He's cute (didn't want to seem shallow, so this doesn't go at the top, but come on! )
[/li][li] He (probably??) won't laugh at me if (when??) I ask him out (at least, I hope not...)
[/li][li] He's in my year! (yes, that is a good reason. It is, it is.)
[/li][li] I think he's actually IN my league?? At least, I hope so?? (unlike Pierre who's like...way out of it. Like seriously.)
[/li][li] He's awesome. ('nuff said)[/li][/ul]

Really, I can't think of any reason why NOT to ask him out. Well...except for the fact that he's my team mate, so if it doesn't work out things might get a little awkward, I guess...but I went out with Niko and we're fine now! Besides, I should look at this postively...if this DOES work out, then that means its the PERFECT way to get over Pierre! Seriously! I mean, it's been long enough. Two or so years is a long time - too long! It's time I move on. Like seriously. Because sometimes, believe it or not, the boy just does NOT like you back. He just doesn't. So yeah. Me and Pierre? Probably never going to happen. I'm being realistic here, too, NOT pessimistic. I mean, really. Pierre is obviously into the Jenna girl...oh. Jenna. Jake's sister. Oh wow, that should be...interesting stuff works out with me and Jake...and Pierre and Jenna. Hah.

I just hope we don't end up going on a double date or something if it does.

Seriously.

ANYWAYS, enough about Pierre (wow, never though I'd say...er...write that. Progress?? ). Back to Jake! How on Earth do I go about asking him out? And when? Well...when...hmm, maybe after our lesson? I mean...I might as well do it soon, right? The sooner the better before I start to re-think things...so yeah...this Saturday...

Okay...okay...I can do this...I just...have to figure out HOW I'll do this? I mean, really, how does a girl ask a guy out?? I mean, what do I SAY? "Hey, Jake, will you go out with me?"

...

Well...I guess that IS what I say but...but! What if he says no?? It's gonna be so embarrassing, and! and!

Okay...breathe, Livy. How bad can it be? I mean, really? The worst he can do is like...laugh. And...Jake wouldn't do that. I mean, Jake is a really, really nice person, right? So...so he'd probably let me down easy or...something. And...I guess that's not so bad! Besides, I'm a Gryffindor, aren't I?? Where's my Gryffindor bravery, eh?

Non-existent. No, no, NO I can DO this. I can, and I will! Saturday afternoon, after the lesson, I WILL ask him out.

I WILL.

Honestly!

...Honestly!!!!

I just...might have to...ask someone for advice...

Or...NO! I'm being more independent, right? I'm doing this myself.

Yup, yup.

And I won't chicken out. No sir-ree.

Anyways...all this excitement is wearing me out. I'm going to bed. Let's hope I get SOME sleep.

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^{Gryffindor icon credit to brimac13}

[olivia]

Okay so to help me with the whole getting-over-Pierre thing, I decided to take the first step; I'm gonna come up with pros, and then counter-act them! Smart, no?

FIRST STEP OF GETTING OVER PIERRE ANTHONY SCHAM - THE PRO AND COUNTER-ACTION LIST

P: He's my brother's best friend, so Dom already likes him
CA: Dom would totally freak out if we ever got together
P: He's kind and sweet and generous and loyal and...
CA: ...He has a horrible temper and is really, really stubborn?
P: He likes my sugar highs.
CA: He probably finds them annoying a lot of the time, though, right??
P: He loves Quidditch
CA: He...um...he's...not on the team? Oh God, that was weak
P: He loves music
CA: ...A lot of guys love music...Carter loves music! And...and...a lot of guys love music!
P: He sees me as an individual now.
CA: But I think, deep down, I'm still just "Dom's little sister" to him??
P: Someone said we would look good together?
CA: That someone isn't exactly a reliable source...when did I start trusting people like Wynter LaCroix? Yeesh! Besides...he'd never be interested in me. I'm not his...type? Does he have a type??
P: He has theee most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen.
CA: ...Umm...uh....well...there's...um...a lot of boys have blue eyes? None as amazing as his, but- Jake has pretty blue eyes too! >.<

Okay, God, SO not working.

I'm just going to have to rely on Jake to help with that. Unknowingly, of course. I hope he never finds out about Pierre! Well...unless he's some sort of mind-reader, he won't. And I doubt he IS a mind-reader, so uh yeah. My secret will be safe.

Okay, I think it's also time to update my to-do list. So, here we go...

To-do list

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• BE MORE INDEPENDENT [Yup, that even beat Pierre on the list, it's that important]
  
• Get over Pierre [Hey, who knows, maybe this won't be quite as impossible as I always thought it would be.]
  
• Start dating [Seriously working on that. I WILL ask Jake out. I WILL!]
  
• Get a boyfriend [...we'll see]
  
• Learn how to make brownies
  
• Figure out a way to smuggle Lady into Hogwarts
  
• Update my stash of sweets [I'm running low again =(]
  
• Concentrate on Potions more often [...eww, Potions. I have that essay to do, goshdarnit!]
  
• Work on sign language [YAY JAKE SAID YES! haha]
  
• Own a sweets factory [um, duh. Then I won't have to have the 'update my stash of sweets' one]
  
• Become an archaeologist? []
  
• Get married [like...sometime in the far future...]
  
• Discover/make up another means of communication with Alex
  
• Master the wroski feint [not even trying anymore. Last time I did it, crash-landed. Not pretty.]
  
• Invent a never-ending lollipop. [...now I want a lollipop...]
  
• Stop crying over and thinking about Pierre Scham. [...might happen soon? Yeah right]
  
• Apologise to Pierre Scham [Yeaaah, I apologised AGAIN. About the Evan thing, I mean. And he accepted, which is good]

Okay so...progress? I managed to cross off one at least? Well, three if you count the Lady thing, and the wroski feint, but I didn't do those I just gave up...heh.

...I'm gonna go see if I have any lollies left. I have a serious craving for a strawberry lollipop right now. Over and out! [haha, I always wanted to say that!]

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[olivia]

Dominic is UNBELIEVABLE.

Honestly.

I can't BELIEVE he doesn't SEE it. He doesn't SEE that he's always being an overprotective jerk. I mean, it's so obvious to EVERYONE - Pierre, Dani, everyone can tell. Everyone except for him, apparently. I told him I want to be more independent, and you know what he said??

Well, first he asked me "why".

!!!

Why WHY?!?! Maybe because I don't want to have to depend on him and everyone else for the rest of my life?? Because I don't want to be just a little girl anymore, but a young woman?? Because I don't want to be "Little Livy" or...well, "Little Olive" anymore? I'M NOT LITTLE PEOPLE!! I want to be "Olivia Thompson, seventeen year old young woman" and be treated as such, goshdarnit! But he doesn't see that!! I'm still a little girl in his eyes - WHEN DID DOMINIC STOP BEING MY BROTHER AND STARTED BEING MY FATHER, HUH??? Because he sure ACTS like a father!! And I'm only ONE YEAR YOUNGER THAN HIM. Barely! So WHY is he insisting on treating me like a kid??

Of course, when I told him all that, he denied it.

!!!!!!

Un-friggin-believable! He actually denied it! I was seconds away from tearing my hair out, I swear that boy is just - ughhhh!! How can he not realise??? How can he not SEE how over-protective he's being??? So, to prove a point, I said: "so you wouldn't mind if I said I was getting a boyfriend, right?"

You should have seen his face! He looked completely and utterly shocked and then, like, two seconds later he turned purple.

I'm serious.

Purple.

It was EXACTLY the way Pierre said it would go.

Kinda scary, to be honest, but I was too angry at that time to care.

Anyway, then he proceeded to ask me "exactly WHO do I plan on going out with?"

Pfft. As if I would tell him.

He'd rip poor Jake to shreds before I even get the chance to ask him out!

Or, well, that's what it looked like, but I don't think he'd REALLY do that.

I mean...I don't THINK so?

...I HOPE not...? For Jake's sake?

>.<

ANYWAYS. I told him I was proving a point (not a lie!!!) and he calmed down significantly. I think he assumed I'd just made it up or something. I let him keep on assuming that. Because, honestly, I have enough on my plate with trying to figure out HOW I'm going to ask Jake out withOUT the added stress of my brother going berserk.

Anyways.

He still denied it, the jerk. Just said it was a normal reaction. Apparently, any brother would react that way.

PUH-lease!

I knew I was probably gonna say something I was gonna regret, so I stormed out - very dramatically, might I add. Well, I didn't technically storm out. I mean, we were in the common room and all, so I just stormed to my dorm room and -

-why is this important? Er, it's not. Geez.

Anyways. Where was I? Oh, right. I stormed out. And now here I am, taking out my frustrations on a piece of paper and wishing my brother would just see the light already so that I can move on with this whole being-more-independent thing. Because, while I can't blame Dominic entirely for my being dependent, I can honestly say that he's holding me back. Sort of. I think?

I mean. He's not the only reason that I'm not independent, of course not! It would be stupid - not to mention, very accusatory - of me to put the blame on him, or Lila. No, I think it's a personality thing.

Something that I will change.

I just need Dominic to let me go before I can do it.

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[olivia]

I need time (time)
Love (love)
Joy (joy)
I need space
I need me
(Action!)

Say hello to the girl that I am!
You're gonna have to see through my perspective
I need to make mistakes just to learn who I am
And I don't wanna be so damn protected
There must be another way
Cause I believe in taking chances
But who am I to say
What a girl is to do
God, I need some answers

What am I to do with my life
(You will find it out don't worry)
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected

I tell 'em what I like
What I want
What I don't
But every time I do I stand corrected
Things that I've been told
I can't believe what I hear about the world, I realize
I'm overprotected

There must be another way
Cause I believe in taking chances
But who am I to say
What a girl is to do
God, I need some answers

What am I to do with my life
(You will find it out don't worry)
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected

I need… time (love)
I need… space
(This is it, this is it)

I don't need nobody telling me just what I wanna
What I what what what I'm gonna
Do about my destiny
I say no, no
Nobody's telling me just what what what I wanna do, do
I'm so fed up with people telling me to be
Someone else but me

(Action!)

What am I to do with my life
(You will find it out don't worry)
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected

I don't need nobody telling me just what I wanna
What I what what what I'm gonna
Do about my destiny
I say no, no
Nobody's telling me just what I wanna do, do
I'm so fed up with people telling me to be
Someone else but me

What am I to do with my life
(You will find it out don't worry)
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected

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^{"Overprotected" - Britney Spears}

[olivia]

Everybody's always talking for me
Everybody's trying to get in my head
I wanna listen to my own heart talking
I need to count on myself instead

Did you ever?
Loose yourself to get what you want
Did you ever?
Get on a ride and wanna get off
Did you ever?
Push away the ones you should've held close
Did you ever let go?
Did you ever not know?

I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am
I'll give it all I got, that is my plan
Will I find what I lost?
You know you can
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it
(Bet on me)
I wanna make it right, that is the way
To turn my life around, today is the day

Am I the type of girl who means what I say?
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

How will I know if there's a path worth taking?
Should I question every move I make?
With all I’ve lost my heart is breaking
I don't wanna make the same mistake

Did you ever?
Doubt your dream will ever come true
Did you ever?
Blame the world and never blame you
I will never
Try to live a lie again
I don't wanna win this game if I can't play it my way

I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am
(Who I am)
I'll give it all I got, that is my plan
(That's my plan)
Will I find what I lost?
You know you can
(You know you can)
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it
Beton me

I wanna make it right, that is the way
To turn my life around, today is the day

Am I the type of girl who means what I say?
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

Oh, hold up
Give me room to think
Bring it on down
Gotta work on my swing
Gotta do my own thing
Hold up

It's no good at all
To see yourself and not recognize your face
Out on my own, it's such a scary place

The answers are all inside of me
All I gotta do is believe

I'm not gonna stop
Not gonna stop 'til I get my shot
That's who I am, that is my plan
Will I end up on top?
You can bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it
You can bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

I wanna make it right, that is the way
To turn my life around, today is the day
Am I the type of girl who means what I say?
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

You can bet on me

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^{"Bet on it" - High School Musical
the bolded stuff is stuff I changed, Livy is hardly a guy now is she? XP}

[olivia]

Well. I FINALLY wrote to Lila yesterday. Admittedly, it was a...very long letter. I think it was about three scrolls? Yeah, about. Haha. Anyways, she wrote back to me and...well...here it is:

I don't know why but I feel like this...HUGE weight has been lifted off me. I mean...first of all, Lila isn't mad about the dad thing. I mean, she's mad at dad, obviously, but not at me, which is so great!! I don't know WHAT I would have done if she was mad at me. Burst out into tears, possibly. And it was just so great to unload about everything. I can't believe I didn't tell her about all this before! Anyways, she's right about Rosier and all, and I'm glad she's proud of me. Seriously glad. And...and she said it's not too late for me! Which is...amazing. I was worried I couldn't do it, but...well, Lila seems to have faith in me. Which is great. And by the way? I resent the whole "I know you, you're going to freak out" thing. I won't! Okay...so maybe I will. Just a little. But come on! This would be the first time I do something like that! You can't expect me to be all calm and stuff! >.<

What worries me the worst is...well, I'm going to have to give up Pooky? I...I don't know if I can do that yet? I mean...I've been relying on him for so long, I guess you could say and I just...it's Pooky. He's been through...so much with me! And I'll have to just...give him up? I...I don't know if I can do that. I just...he's been through so much with me and I just...

Do I really have to do this?!?! >.< I love Pooky! I don't want to give him up! I...I...

Ugh, I'm being childish. But I can't help it!

Ughhh, I'll just...well...

We'll see.

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[olivia]

[olivia]

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

I'M GOING ON A DATE!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

I CAN'T STOP WRITING OH MY GOD! AND I CAN'T STOP WRITING IN CAPITALS! I'M GOING ON A DATE! A DATE! A D-A-T-E!! AN EFFING DATE! WITH JACOB FREAKING EDWARDS!! I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH JACOB EDWARDS!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!

...

Okay. Okay, I'm calmer now. Well, sort of. At least I'm laying off the capitals now? I just...I can't BELIEVE it! I'm going on a DATE. A DATE!!!! For the first time in I dunno how long, I'm going on an effing DATE!! Excuse me for being just a LITTLE excited!! Because this is so effing EXCITING! I'm going on a date!!! A DATE!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!?!?!

IT MEANS I'M THAT MUCH CLOSER TO GETTING OVER PIERRE!!

...Doesn't it?!?!?!

I mean...the fact that I'm going on a date with someone who's er NOT Pierre (as if I ever could go on one with him anyway, I'm just saying...) and who's NOT just using me (ehem, Rosier, even though technically we've never BEEN on a date...?) has to count for something, right?! I mean...I mean...right?!?!

Anyways. This is what happened...

I met Jake after practice for our signing lesson thing, right? Which went great, by the way. Apparently, I don't suck that much at signing! Yay! And I learned new words and everything, like Lip-reading and oralism. Oooh, and I learned stuff about deaf people, too! It was all really interesting. Jake himself is really interesting. He just...intrigues me, you know? I still haven't figured out exactly why, but he just does. Anyways, so we were sitting in the common room and I was freaking out worrying about asking him out and how I would do it and whatever and decided to go with the subtle way first, you know? I asked him what the sign for "date" was. And, okay, so I guess that isn't exactly subtle but...ugh, whatever. The point is, it seemed to work? I mean, after that, he asked me out!

Yup. iJacob Edwards asked me out.

Okay so, admittedly, I was supposed to do the asking out...but just the fact that I AM going on a date is a sign of independence...right?! I mean...honestly!

...I still think I'll probably need to ask for someones advice, like...like...

...Marlene? Marlene McKinnon?

Hmmmm....she seems like a well-rounded, put-herself-out-there person...right? I mean, I don't know her very well...I think Dom sort of knows her? I dunno...Maybe I will ask her. Only she, uh, seems to be the type of person who could bite my head off if she wasn't in the mood to be asked silly questions by silly little sixth years...?

Er...I'll see about that...

ANY-ways...the date!

Jake suggested the river. Apparently, there's a river that leads to the lake or something? Anyway, he described where it was and I suggested that we could have a picnic or something there and he seemed all for the idea. Anyways, so we continued the lesson and then went on our separate ways. I'm so excited! He's a really cool guy, honestly!

Anyways, I have to go do some homework >.< Bai?
Don't ask me why I'm saying goodbye to a diary, I really couldn't tell you.

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[olivia]

Soo...I talked to Marlene. And she had...really good advice. Apparently, I need to stop being cling. Oh, but I can't be too independent, either. Because apparently guys don't like that? Or something? I dunno...how do you be TOO independent? I mean, how do you know if you're being too independent...? Well, when I asked her that, she told me not to tell Dom everything. But I don't tell him EVERYthing. I mean...I didn't tell him about Pierre! I mean, gosh, if he knew he'd kill me! Or something like that! I mean, I definitely don't see him saying "oh that's great that you're in love with my best friend, Liv, you guys should just get together already, you'd be great!"

Haha, yeah, not happening.

I also asked her about Pierre. Indirectly, of course. I mean, I didn't tell her the person I was in love with was Pierre. And she didn't ask, thank goodness. I dunno if they're friends or not. They must know each other, right? And...I think I've seen them hang out...? I dunno...I know she knows Dom. And apparently he's annoyed with her? But that part isn't important. The important part is!:

She told me to embrace it. And that, by embracing it, I'll be able to get over it? Or something? Oh, and apparently, I'm too young to be in love, and it's literally impossible to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back?

I dunno about that last one, though, because it sure feels like I love Pierre. I'm not even going to begin to list the reasons how I know that. I just do...you know?

But I'm still gonna get over him. Somehow. Eventually. I mean...he's leaving this year! I can't not stop loving him before he leaves! It's just...I just...I just have to get over him, okay? I just...he can't leave while I'm still hooked onto him like this. He just can't. Okay???

Okay, great.

Now, something else: I've decided my signature is too childish. Seriously. I mean, 'Livy'? As if it's not bad enough that the nickname itself is childish. What brought this on? Well...Marlene has a very pretty signature, okay? I mean...Just look at it!:

...Never mind the fact that you are an inanimate object and so can't look at anything...but anyway! The point is, it's all fancy and mature-looking and stuff. And well mine is...not? Thus, I've decided to create a new signature! And since I don't want to waste any perfectly good parchment, why not do it here...?

...

Wow. Creating signatures is harder then I thought. My hand hurts now from trying to keep it steady and making pretty loops. And for what? Just to decide to stick to doing it free-hand and not trying to force myself to make anything fancy. I will be using 'Olivia' from now on, at least. I mean...that's SOMETHING at least...right? I mean...I'm seventeen years old. When I go off to work and stuff, I'm not gonna sign everything with "Livy", am I? Of course, I probably won't sign it with just "Olivia" either...but that's not the point! The point is, Olivia sounds - looks???- more mature...right?! Right, right...

So. Olivia-in-normal-handwriting it is!

...Yes, I do realise that was completely pointless. This is me procrastinating from doing that stupid Potions essay for Professor Slughorn, okay? Okay, great

(Don't ask me about the random little line beneath it.
I just like how it looks, is all XP)

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[olivia]

So, I found the diary I had in fourth year. And I was flipping through the entries and, oh my God, was I a pathetic little girl or what? Seriously, I sound like one of those pre-teen girls who has a horrible crush on someone. Which, I suppose I practically was. Only I was fourteen years old. Seriously, it's embarrassing. I sincerely hope I don't sound like that now. I'm almost afraid to look back on this diary. What if I sound exactly the same? Merlin, I hope not. Well, anyway. See, an example (and ignore my atrocious spelling mistakes, I had horrible spelling back then, really I did).

Aside from the terrible spelling (seriously, I couldn't even spell "really" and "seriously" and stuff properly?! And I was FOURTEEN here, people! Ugh!!), I can't believe I was so...obsessed! Honestly, I would not stop talking about his eyes! It's...slightly disturbing. I mean, I'm starting to think I have a fetish or something? Of guys with blue eyes, and who like/play Quidditch. I mean, let's look at my "history", shall we? It all began with Pierre; he has blue eyes, loves Quidditch and is now on the Quidditch team. And then Niko, sometimes his eyes look blue, he's on the Quidditch team too. And now there's Jake; blue eyes, on the Quidditch team. Seeing a pattern here? It's kinda...worrying? Meh. At least Jake isn't tall? I mean, I've always liked the fact that Pierre is so much taller than me. So HAH. I don't have to worry about Jake being exactly like Pierre and that being why I wanted to ask him out. Thank God.

Oh, and I also can't believe I actually went all out with this "Mrs Olivia Scham", thing? I'm pretty sure it's mentioned in almost ever entry after that one. Crazy, I tell you! Anyway, I have to go for Quidditch practice! Bye, bye diary! =D

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[olivia]

Okay, I've become convinced that the Olivier's all have something against me. Seriously. The lot of them. Either that or they're all a bunch of evil masterminds. A bunch of VERY PERSUASIVE evil masterminds. Honestly! First Danielle, convincing me to tell Pierre to move on or whatever before (bribing me with brownies, WHICH WAS JUST EVIL!) and then Emery, who happens to be her big brother, somehow manages to convince me to help keep his relationship with a certain Jackie Fontaine a SECRET from everyone - INCLUDING his sister, who happens to be my BEST FRIEND. There were chocolate frogs involved, but I didn't agree because of that. I'm not THAT weak, geez! I made him promise to tell Dani and the rest of his family by graduation, though. That shouldn't be too bad, right?

Still! I can't believe he would just...DO THAT. Just keep something like that from everyone! WHY?! I still don't get it, and he didn't explain it very well, honestly! Said that I wouldn't understand or blah. Whatever. I just hope he tells people SOON. Because, honestly, I don't know Jackie at all but I think she's probably a nice person if Emery likes her? And nice people shouldn't get hurt like that. And believe me if she finds out that Emery has been keeping their relationship a SECRET, she WILL be hurt. And if she's hurt, then I'll be forced to kick Emery's butt. Which probably won't go over so well seeing as a) he's like so much taller than me, b) he's also probably stronger than me and c) he's my best friends big brother? I think there's some sort of unwritten rule against kicking-best-friend's-big-brother's-butt? It's in the same rule book with the not-dating-best-friend's-ex law.

But lets not think about that.

Anyhooo, my date with Jake is in a few days! I can't WAIT! Honestly, I still haven't even figured out what I'm going to wear yet. I mean, we're going out by the lake, so I guess high-heels is out of the question? Not that they were even factored in the first place. I mean, Jake's...kinda short? I mean, he's like almost exactly my height, give or take a few centimeters. Which isn't so bad. I mean, at least I don't have to like, crane my head to see his face or anything. But yeah, kinda bummer that I can't wear high heels around him? But meh. I'll get over it. Anyways. What I'm gonna wear! Hmm, well we're going out by the river (I still have no idea where it is, but I trust Jake will know? Haha, I HOPE he knows?!), so I guess I have to wear something suitable? Like...shorts and a shirt and sensible shoes? Hmm. I think that'd be considered appropriate...? I mean, I guess we'll be walking around or something? Eh, we'll see.

THREE DAYS TO GO FOR THE DAAATE!! =)

And Emery had to ruin all my excitement >.>

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