reflections of a wildrose,

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What a cliche beginning, I know, but until I come up with a name for you, you’ll go by, simply, ‘Diary.’

Today was my first day at Hogwarts. Can you believe I made it through!? I was so terrified that I would get lost again like I did last night... and I did... but Lily helped me again! She happened to be in the same hall way as me -- or, rather, I wandered onto the second year floor -- and was happy to escort me to my first class, History of Magic. It was so cool! I got to talk to Lily and this other girl, Olivia, who’s also a Gryffindor but is a first year too. Olivia’s really nice. She likes history too! We talked all about our favorite time periods and historical figures... it was fun. I like her a lot and hope I can see her again. She’s lucky to be in the same house as Lily (Gryffindor’s got all the cool kids)! I told Olivia to tell Lily I said hi, if she saw her. I hope she did! But wow. All of this is so exciting. I really love all my teachers and classes, and the food is great down at the Great Hall. I wish I could cook like that!

There’s this girl in my class, Andromeda Black. She’s kinda scary at first but she’s cool too. Maybe we can be friends! That would be so cool! I’ve heard she’s from this prestigious pureblood wizarding family! It’s so cool to be going to school with someone so famous! I wonder if I’ll ever be able to meet the rest of her family... she says she has a younger sister named Narcissa and an older sister named Bellatrix. Such pretty names... I bet they’re all pretty too. Andromeda sure is. I’m so proud to be in the same house as her!

Well, I’m about to fall asleep. I’ll write again later!

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page one

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Still haven’t decided on a name. I’ll think of one soon, I promise!

Anyway, today I didn’t get lost at all! ...well, okay, Lily taught me the right way to the bath room... but still! I almost made it all day without being lost! I was so happy! I wrote my grandma and grandpa today to tell them all about it. So far they think I’m doing a great job at my new school, and are glad I’m making so many friends. They advised me to keep my distance from the Blacks, though... I don’t know why. Annie’s really nice! I haven’t met Narcissa or Bellatrix yet, but I met her cousin, Sirius, and I like him a lot. He’s very handsome funny and made me laugh so much I almost wet myself! I can’t wait to talk to him again. And apparently there’s even another Black out there, and his name’s Regulus. I wonder if he’s nice? Maybe Annie will introduce me sometime. I won’t push her, though. For some reason I sense a bit of tension between she and her family members... I wonder why?

Today I did really well in class, too. I decided to raise my hand in Professor McGonagall’s class, and she called on me! I had the right answer, too! She told me I did a good job, and I felt so good about it. Maybe I should raise my hand more often... I dunno. It does make me a little nervous sometimes.

Oh, oh, oh! I saw another boy I met on the train today. Another Gryffindor, actually. His name is Frank Longbottom. He’s the same age as Lily, and is really nice, just like her, and funny, just like Sirius. I like him a lot, too. I hope we can spend more time together!

I’m so tired... I’ll have to write later.

Good night,

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page two

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Okay. I’ve decided on a name! I was inspired today in Herbology (best class next to History of Magic!!) One of my favorite flowers is the wildrose, which represents poetry (or rather, the floral symbol of it). And I know this isn’t really poetry I’m scribbling in here, but it works! So now your name is Wildrose, but I’ll call you Rose , because it sounds more like a name. Haha, I can call you Rose now! So cool! I’ll go fix that now!

I wonder what dad would have thought, my calling you Rose. You know, you belonged to him before. You were his writing journal from The Daily Prophet. He’s got all kinds of things scribbled in here. I didn’t take out any of his old pages -- they’re all in the front. Sometimes I read them over and try to see what he would have been like. Do you think that’s creepy, Rose? I told someone about it she thought it was weird... oh well. I guess I’ll stop doing that, huh? Besides, I don’t need a diary to tell me what he was like. Grammy and Grampy know aaaallllll about him, and mommy, and have told me everything I need to know about them both.

But anyway... oh, Rose, guess what happened today?! Lily and Olivia and I all studied together outside by the lake! It was so cool! Both of them are so smart... and it turns out that Lily’s a potions genius! I asked her for help, and I think I’m sort of starting to get it now. But it was such fun to study with Lily and Livy. I think they’re my bestest bestest bestest friends in the whole wide world (and Annie too)!!

Okay, okay, and also I hung out with Sirius a little more today. He showed me around the grounds, since I’d never been out there much last year, and I got to meet some of his friends, Peter, Remus, and James! I don’t know if I like James, though. Lily seems to, but he didn’t treat her so nicely... at least from what I saw. Oh well! Maybe he was just moody that day!

Anyway, it was so cool to meet his friends! I also spent some time studying with Frank in the library! He let me know what Professor Burbage was looking for when she grades scrolls, which was good, because I wasn’t sure what she’d wanted! I like Frank a lot! He’s smart too!!

Well, Rose, I’ll go to sleep now. I bet you’re just tired from listening to me! G’night!

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page three

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So.

I think... I – I think Frank asked me on a date! And I'm literally freaking out because I'm so excited and flustered and... oh sweet Merlin! Frank asked me on a date! A real date! A date!! It's... just unfathomable and ridiculous and crazy and... I can't believe it.

I just told Annie and Lily and Livy and I'm going to tell Sirius tomorrow. I haven't talked to him in a while... he's been busy with things, I guess. Or so Lily says. Lily also said she was dating Regulus Black... which, in and of itself, is a catastrophe.

I tried to talk to her, to make her feel better, to try and make some progress... so hopefully she can move on, get over James, try and find someone else who is better for her. Someone other than Regulus, of course.

But, on a lighter note... I haven't written here in ages. Since... second year? Wow. Now that is ridiculous. I seem to have forgotten I even owned this ratty old thing. It's silly, really, because I used to love chronicling my days. Even if I had a myriad grammatical and spelling errors.

Well, I'll just have to pick up the chronicling again, won't I?

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page four

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My date with Frank went rather poorly.

And now?

Now I'm with Sirius.

You may ask, 'what spurred this sudden hookup?' Well, I'll tell you.

I am in love with Sirius Orion Black.

And all it took was a slap in the face courtesy of Frank to figure that out.

Good night.

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page four

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When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

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page five

_{*lyrics belong to Coldplay}

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Lily and I had an argument today. About Sirius and I.

And I think it may have ended our friendship. For good. I hate to think that way but... oh, Merlin, she told me that Sirius was in love with Marlene McKinnon. Marlene McKinnon! Of all people. The very same one who sent that disgusting piece of charm-work to the tabloid, the same one who dated Ludo, who just broke up with James, and who is one of the more popular girls in the school. And I just... I can't compete with that, can I? I'm not as witty, not as gorgeous, as popular as her. And Lily says that Sirius is in love with her. That he fucked me by the willow but that he loves Marlene. That he snogged me but he's in love with Marlene. And do you know what, Rose? I don't believe a word of it. Lily is lying to me. She had a fight with Sirius and she doesn't want him to be happy. And apparently she had a bone to pick with me, too. I can't imagine why. Lily's just... in a fragile emotional state lately, I guess. I just wish she wouldn't take it out on me.

Because it hurts like hell.

...Sirius does love me. Right?

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What if I'm not good enough for Sirius?

Marlene is... I can see why he loves her. She's perfect. So, when he's got her, why would he need me? I'm not perfect. I'm not even close. I'm not as tall or buxom or sexy as she is. I mean... I was a chaste as a Vestal Virgin before I met Sirius. Marlene has probably had sex before. She's probably more experienced, too. That's another reason the guys fall over themselves for her. Because she's probably done it a gajillion times. Which doesn't make her a whore, just more appealing to guys. And Merlin knows how Sirius likes that.

Maybe if I wasn't a virgin before we met Sirius would have liked me better, too.

Maybe Frank would have liked me better if I was sexier.

Maybe I'd have more friends.

Maybe... oh, listen to me.

I'm going to bed.

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page seven

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Sirius's birthday is coming up. And guess what?

Marlene fucking McKinnon is throwing him a party.

Not me.

Damn it.

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page eight

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Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, I make yet another fatal flaw. I said no. I told Sirius I didn't want to go to Hogsmeade with him, since I wasn't 'feeling well.' Yeah. Bullshit. And guess what that cost me? Merlin, I can't even begin to... he could have died, Rose. He could have died and I wasn't there. Guess who was? Yep, you got it: Marlene. she has a way of ruining everything, doesn't she? She has a way of driving a wedge between Sirius and I, of making him forget that he's promised to me. Promised, that is, for Merlin knows how much longer. I mean, let's be realistic, here. Sirius and Marlene go way back, back before I even showed up at Hogwarts. They dated last year – only last year – and I don't know, it just doesn't seem like one of them ever got over it. A woman knows. She always knows.

Whether or not she chooses to accept it is another thing.

I feel like Marlene has hardened me. I feel... oh, Merlin, I don't know, I just feel different. Ever since that night at the willow things have changed. Not just externally, not just socially, but internally, too. Rose, I'm a different person now than I was those few weeks ago. Sirius has changed me, sculpted me into a more confident woman, and Marlene... she has damaged me, weakened me, made me feel inferior. I was too ashamed to even write about his birthday party fiasco here and... and since when am I reduced to shame, Rose? One of the morals my grandmother always told me to never lose was my integrity, my dignity. Never let anyone take that away, no matter what. But Marlene... there's something about her, something in her air and manner of speaking that just confounds me and I'm at a loss for how to compete. She's beautiful. Oh, who am I kidding, she's beyond beautiful. She's gorgeous. And you can see the lust in Sirius's eyes whenever she walks into a room. No, that's not true.

Anyway, I get him an antique book about something he could care less about and she gets him a flying motorcycle. How can I compete with that?

I'm a duck and she's a swan. How can I compete with that?

I'm a worm and she's a butterfly. How can I compete with that?

I'm a weed and she's a flower. How can I compete with that?

She has Sirius and I don't.

How can I compete with that?

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page nine

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I've been avoiding my friends. I haven't spoken to Lily or Livy or Jules or anyone in days. I think it's been almost a week and a half, now. I haven't even gone to Annie for advice... but, well, she's got enough to handle on her own and I don't want to bother her with my petty troubles. It's just that... well, I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it. I don't even know what 'it' is. What is there to discuss? Nothing, really. Right? I mean, short of my sobbing all over whoever I'm divulging my misery to, not much can be said to help the situation. Marlene McKinnon is all over Sirius, all over the school. I'm not. In fact, I think Sirius has scarcely noticed my absence these past few days. Sure, we try to sit near each other when we study. Sure, I hang out with him when I can. But Marlene is always there. Marlene is the common factor. And what am I supposed to do about it? I've done enough crying, enough pathetic whimpering, enough wallowing. I've tried to spend more time with him, I've tried to wear more attractive things, I've tried to make silly love spells to try and redirect his focus.

Merlin, am I pathetic. I'm embarrassed just writing that. I had to cross it out. But you know what I said, Rose. And you know what? I am ashamed. I'm ashamed that I would have even so much as thought to turn to love potions for this. Like they would actually help. Most are too primitive anyway. But... but that's what I'm doing up here, all alone in my room. That, and reading some romance novels, which have made me feel a little better. But not much. I've been living so much of my life sans boyfriend that when I finally have one and it seems as though he's not as interested in me as he used to be it cuts me like a knife. It's rough to know that you're losing your boyfriend while you read all these lovey-dovey stories with fairy tale endingsl. So, I've taken to tragedies. They make me feel better. Rereading some Shakespeare, Poe, and Dickinson should set me straight. I feel particular comfort in Dickinson, as in her I find a kindred spirit.

'I'm nobody, who are you?
Are you a nobody too?
Then there's a pair of us –– don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.'

Dickinson and I are nobodies together. Which is great, because Dickinson is great. Better than any friend. Right. She doesn't judge, she doesn't sympathize, she doesn't pat me on the shoulder and tell me that one day it'll all be better. She tells it like it is, sets the record straight, is blunt and frank honest and that's how a friend should be. Unbiased and blunt and... and that's how a friend should be. Sometimes I miss Livy and Ted and everyone, though. And Lily. Merlin, especially Lily. We sat together on the fountain at Sirius's birthday party a few days ago and... well, I cried on her shoulder. I know, it's silly and cliche. But that's what I did. Didn't say a word to her, just cried and then eventually got up and left. And that's the last I saw of her. Don't know if it was a peace offering, don't know what is was, exactly. But I have a feeling I don't want to know. I don't feel like I'm ready to repair my relationships yet. With all the stress and crunches the final month of the school year brings, it would be too much to try and take on more relationships. All I can handle right now is my relationship between Dickinson and Sirius.

Oh, and Marlene, since she and Sirius aren't really two people that can be discussed separately. And it just... it just kills me, Rose, because Marlene gets to do all the things with him that I can't do. They eat together in the Great Hall, they hang out in the Gryffindor Common Room together, I'm sure, they walk the grounds together... there's almost nothing they don't do together. And then when I'm there it's awkward because so is Marlene and so I just took to not even seeing him anymore. I visited him while he was in the hospital wing because that's what I thought he wanted and because that's what I wanted. But it's not what Marlene wanted.

And Marlene always gets what she wants.

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page ten

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I think I'm starting to get cabin fever. I've counted the ceiling tiles probably six times over and guess what? There's a whopping total of two-hundred-forty-three. Exactly two-hundred-forty-three. With a little half one on the end near the window. So, really, two-hundred-forty-three and a half. And then I counted the pleats on my bedsheets. Those vary, but today there were thirty-seven. Yesterday there were forty. The day before that there were twenty-six.

And the curtains on the window? There are sixty-eight dust speckles on them. I removed each one by hand.



Sirius, I miss you.

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page eleven

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Today I suffered the highest degradation.

I cried in class. In class. I was just thinking about Sirius and I and... well, one of our old notes fell out of my notebook and I reread it. And it was so... it was back before anything was complicated, before anything got weird, before all of this happened. Before Sirius and I slept together.

That was the catalyst for us, wasn't it?


Rose, do you think he'll notice me again if I try to sleep with him? I'll wear lower cut dresses, I'll wear my hair down and curl it. I'll do anything.

Anything to get him to look at me the way he looked at me under the willow.

Anything.

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page twelve

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Well, I'm a selfish little bitch. Merlin, Rose, look at my recent entries... all 'woe is me, woe is me.' Yeah, sure, I may have some problems but at least I'm still alive. That Greengrass girl, the other blonde boy... they weren't as lucky, were they? I've been so busy worrying about my own troubles and stupid problems that I didn't even stop to think about the misfortunes of others. I'm just despicable, Rose, I can't believe... I can't believe how awful I've been. Going on about myself when a handful of students actually died. Like, as in they were killed. As in, they no longer exist. And I think I'm preoccupied with boy troubles? And Marlene McKinnon? Merlin. I am pathetic.

Anyway, there was a funeral service for the students yesterday. I attended, stood next to Sirius. Who was looking at Marlene the whole time. And Marlene, of course, was looking at him (and not very discreetly, either). When she wasn't putting on airs like she was really upset, anyway. Hah, right. Like she really gave a shit about the kids who got killed in Hogsmeade. She probably just wanted to get on the cover of Witches Weekly, since they had two representatives there to take pictures and interview for their feature article.

At least I cared.

I even knew the Greengrass girl. Not very well, but she was a classmate of mine, and in Ravenclaw, too. I remember her sorting. I used to envy her hair and eyes, but... Merlin, she's dead. I'll never see her in the common room anymore. I'll never see her in the Great Hall for breakfast. And, while that may not sound like a big deal, since I hardly ever knew her... it is a big deal because this is yet another reason why life will never be the same again. People are dying, Rose. People are getting killed, people are losing their lives... however you want to say it! They're dying. Dying. The Death Eaters are rampant and He Who Must Not Be Named? He's the driving force. It's really frightening and horrific and... if people are dying, Rose, then I can't help but wonder...

How long will I last?

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