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Post by alicelogan on Nov 17, 2009 6:45:20 GMT -5
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- - - - - - - - - Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
page fourteen* lyrics belong to Evanescence. |
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 17, 2009 7:22:33 GMT -5
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I think the worst part is not knowing. Not knowing whether you're going to get crushed in the name if love, not knowing whether or not you'll ever be able to love again, not knowing whether or not you'll be friends after that, not knowing whether or not you'll still have friends to pull you through, not knowing whether or not you'll be able to survive if you don't, not knowing what people will think of you after you get left in the dust, not knowing how you'll get left in the dust, not knowing if you'll ever be able to pick yourself off the ground, not knowing if he'll ever know how much he means to you, not knowing if you mean anything to him anymore, not knowing if things will ever go back to the way they were, not knowing...
...not knowing what will happen next.
Yeah.
That's the worst part.
page fifteen |
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 17, 2009 17:57:44 GMT -5
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I passed notes with Lucy Murphy in potions class today. Yeah, I know, fraternizing with the enemy and all... but, you know what, Rose? She wasn't too bad. After she was done insulting me, that is, and I her, we seemed to get along quite well. And, yeah, of course I cried, but that seems to be a daily occurrence for me anyway. Besides, she made me feel better. I mean, there are other fish in the sea, and even if Marlene wins, there's still hope for me. Right? Well, I think so. And Lucy does too.
I'm really glad I talked to her today.
page sixteen |
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 22, 2009 10:42:27 GMT -5
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Today I made a brief excursion outside to the lake. It was a beautiful day, and I couldn't help but experience it while it was here. Beautiful days with sunshine and wind and warmth are so rare here in Scotland. So, I went down to the lake and rested for a while in mine and Sirius's favorite spot. I'm not sure where Sirius was today. Anyway, I was there for a while, until the sun set, just watching the glittering lights reflect off the lake like Sirius and I used to do. I know it sounds weird, but it made me feel closer to him. It surely was nice, very relaxing, and it was the most peace I'd felt within myself for a while. And you know, Rose, I began to think: maybe things are going to work out after all. Lucy has given me hope, and so has tonight's sunset.
Maybe things will shape up. It's possible, right?
page seventeen |
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 24, 2009 7:22:06 GMT -5
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Went for a walk with Jules today, and when we were done I helped her study for her History of Magic exam. I forgot how much I enjoyed her company – really, she's such a little ball of energy, and her seemingly constant joy extended to me. That's nothing to say of her history skills... which are not her forte. We had to go over Merlin twice, for the love of all that is good! But I do think she's starting to get it, and she told me I helped her. I think she was lying to make me feel better, but... well, I appreciated it in any case. It's nice to know I have a friend who doesn't judge me like my other friends do. Jules is just Jules and she doesn't question me for being Alice. She just wants to make me happy, and I want to make her happy. So it all works out, doesn't it?
Anyway, that was my little adventure today. And now I'm just sitting in my dorm, about to fall asleep. Pretty exciting, I know, but considering that I've spent the last few weeks in this room, it is exciting for me to have left for more than an hour. Thanks, Jules. (: And goodnight, Rose.
page eighteen |
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 24, 2009 16:54:31 GMT -5
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I was thinking some more about Sirius today, and how much I'm glad he's my boyfriend. And my friend, too, but mostly how glad I am that I'm with him. How thankful I am to know him, to love him, and for him to love me. I'm just... so grateful. The way I've felt when I'm around him is magical, and I wouldn't want to trade it for anything. I know I'm sounding really cliched and silly right now, and I truly am sorry about that, Rose, but... I don't know. I'm just trying to remember all the good things, you know? Because in such a short amount of time he's going to be gone, he's going to graduate, and I won't see him as much anymore. I keep trying to envision us meeting over next term, and over the summer, too, so... hopefully we'll keep it together over the next few months. I'm hoping, anyway. I really love him, Rose. He's just so special. He understands me, he's there for me when I need him, he makes me feel good. I don't care what Lucy says, I don't care what Lily says, I don't care what anyone says. Sirius is mine. I'm not going to let him go. I can't believe I got so close to letting him go last week! Well, Rose, rest assured. I won't feel that way again. (:
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 24, 2009 19:14:08 GMT -5
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You know, Rose, I realized last night that about half of my best friends are graduating next year. And... I'm not quite sure how exactly I'm going to deal with that. I mean, at least I'll have Lucy and Livy and Annie and Ted, but Lily and Frank and Sirius and everyone else is gunna be gone. Off to become professional wizards or Aurors or Quidditch players or whatever they'd like to become. And I'm still here all by my lonesome. ): Gosh, I miss Lily. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and graduation is coming up so fast, and... what if we're never friends again? I really hope not. I don't want her to think poorly of me, and she's meant so much to me over the years... I can't imagine not being friends with her on her last day here. But... then there was that stuff she said about Sirius, and... it complicates things.
And I haven't talked to Annie yet either... really need to do that. I've reconciled with Jules and Ted so far, but... not Frank. Or Annie. Or Lily, of course. And I really miss Annie. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I feel like she's been ignoring me in the common room lately. Gosh, I feel so bad about that. She must be so angry with me. And it's not like I don't deserve it. I mean, I haven't spoken to her in weeks. But I'm feeling so much better than before, and I think it's time I talk to her, clear the air. I think I will tomorrow. (: Wish me luck, Rose!
page twenty |
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 25, 2009 9:05:26 GMT -5
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O - Oh, Rose... I – I... talked to Annie, and...
Shit. I – I can't – I – I can't do this right now.
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 25, 2009 9:19:26 GMT -5
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I don't understand. Scratch that, no, I do understand. I didn't talk to Annie for three weeks, Rose, three weeks and during that three weeks she and Drake broke up and she needed me. And guess where I was? Guess where my sorry fucking ass was? In my dormitory room sobbing my eyes out because I was oh-so-miserable that life wasn't going my way. Merlin, am I a selfish bitch. I'm stupid and self-absorbed and now I've paid the price. And now Annie's Andromeda again. And now Andromeda's with her family again. And I'm so fucking worried I can't fucking eat anything because what if she dies? What if she dies for the stupid He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and... and what if the last thing I said to her was 'please don't say that'? And what if her last words to me were 'we're not friends anymore'? I can't live with that, Rose. I just...
I just can't.
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 25, 2009 11:19:36 GMT -5
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I just... I can't believe that all those years... they're over. Annie is... she's... gone.
And I found this picture... I... Merlin, I can't do this right now.
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Post by alicelogan on Nov 26, 2009 9:46:48 GMT -5
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This is the picture I found earlier, Rose. It was taken during one of the summers she visited my house. We hung out all day in the fields but before that Grammy and Grampy took a posed picture of us on the gazebo. It had been such a beautiful summer.
Merlin, I miss her. I don't know how I can survive without her. She's my best friend. She's like my other half. And since Lily's leaving, Annie is the closest I've got to a sister. But now she's gone. And it's my fault. It's all my fault. I feel so stupid and ignorant and horrible and I just want to crawl into a little hole and never come out again. If I did that the world would probably heave a sigh of relief and say, 'Good riddance.'
I'm so lonely, Rose. I'm sitting up at night writing this because I can't sleep, and all the other girls in my dormitory are. Not that I could talk to any of them anyway. All they know about me is what's in that stupid tabloid. So I'm alone, sitting here on my bed, waiting for the sun to rise. Because I don't have anything else to do. Because I can't sleep. Because I'm such a fuck up and I don't deserve to sleep.
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 6, 2009 10:28:11 GMT -5
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So. I've been thinking. Graduation is coming up. And I won't be able to spend it with two of my best friends: Lily and Annie. If Annie's even coming. Which I doubt she will. Or, if she does, I'll get to watch her with her illustrious sisters. Great. Bellatrix is graduating. I suppose there'll be some kind of huge gala at the Black manor, the kind Annie used to always complain about. I bet Annie'll go and have a great time and forget she ever hated them. The champagne and the haughtiness. That's her world now, I guess. And I'm not part of that. Only sometimes when I'm lying alone at night and I can swear I hear her breathing in the next dormitory over do I wish I was. And that's not in a creepy way. I just haven't been sleeping lately and I pick up noises now that I didn't before. It's what you do when you can't sleep. You adapt. You find ways to entertain yourself. Like Annie and I used to do in our first year, when everything was simple again. She would sneak into my dormitory and we'd squeeze into one bed and giggle and gossip for the whole night. I miss those days. Even though I started falling asleep in class because of it, I still miss it. When everything was simple and fun and easy. When we could giggle into the night about how silly Professor Trelawney looked with her glasses. When Annie cared about my feelings, and when I would have done anything to protect hers.
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 7, 2009 14:51:45 GMT -5
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Tonight's graduation. I'm in my room getting ready now. All the other girls in my dormitory are all aflutter with excitement and nerves, all wanting to impress that one special boy for the last time before he graduates. I wonder where Annie is right now. Is she getting ready, too? Of course she probably doesn't have a boy to impress, since she and Drake broke up. And what about Lily? I bet she's excited about James. They're going to graduate, going to start their life together. I heard through the grapevine that he proposed to her, you know. That's nice, isn't it? Wish I would have been there. Wish that she and I Nevermind. Anyway, I couldn't really find anything to wear tonight, so I just threw on a blue silk dress my grandmother let me borrow for special events during the year. I think it's really lovely, and at least I won't have to worry about wearing the same thing as another girl accidentally. And I just pulled my hair into a side ponytail, as per use, and spritzed some perfume on. Didn't wear much make up except for some mascara and cover up. Hope Sirius doesn't notice the bags under my eyes. Even if he does, he's a gentlemen so he won't ask. And I'm a lady, so he definitely won't ask. I'm even wearing heels. Hopefully I won't trip. Hopefully Sirius will think I'm beautiful tonight. Hopefully Frank will too I'll be able to ignore Frank and Lucy's snogging. Hopefully Sirius and I will have a great time and make his last few hours at Hogwarts truly count. Hopefully.
Wish me luck?
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 8, 2009 18:00:37 GMT -5
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He used me.
If I could kill myself? If I wasn't such a fucking piece of shit? If I was worthy of death?
I would.
Not that anyone would care. Except maybe you, Rose. But what are you? You're a stupid book. You can't hear me. I'm rattling off to you as if you were listening because that's just how pathetic I am. Because no one wants to be around me anymore except a fucking inanimate book.
Because I'm not worth it.
Because – oh, Merlin. Oh... oh Merlin, Rose. He – he used me. Sirius – Sirius used me.
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 8, 2009 21:51:22 GMT -5
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Sirius used me. I just – I just can't – Sirius used me.
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