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Post by alicelogan on Dec 8, 2009 22:08:47 GMT -5
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Sparkling angel, I believe
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse, 'cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse, 'cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
page twenty-nine* lyrics belong to Within Temptation. |
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 10, 2009 22:52:41 GMT -5
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I've been thinking. Maybe it isn't such a great thing, me losing my virginity to Sirius. I was glad for a while that he had that privilege, because I loved him, because I trusted him. But I can't say that anymore. I can't even – he used me, Rose. He – he was in love with Marlene the whole time. He – Merlin, I can't do this now. I'm going to bed.
Or maybe I'll just stay up a little longer and study for my Potions exam tomorrow.
page thirty |
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 13, 2009 11:48:34 GMT -5
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Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of life is. Now, I don't mean to say I'm a believer in any kind of Muggle religious affiliation, but... well, I don't know. There probably isn't a God up there, there probably isn't someone in the sky who dictates how we humans live. Hasn't magic pretty much disapproved that theory anyway? We can control our own lives, we can be who we want to be, we're not predestined, we're not stuck with one fate. We make our lives what we want it, we manifest our happiness, we become the person we want to be, not the person a religion dictates, not a person that society dictates you should be, but the person you want to be. We choose our fates. But I've been thinking that maybe having someone else make all the decisions would be a comfort. Because then maybe I would be sure of my purpose in life. I would know, if there was a God, that I belonged, that I had a reason for being here, and that that reason? It would lead me down the right path in life. I wouldn't have a choice, I would just... go down the right path because that's what God wanted me to do. That would be nice, I think. But I don't know. Maybe I'm just being desperate.
Maybe I just want to justify my friends deserting me and one of them using me. Maybe I want to feel better about having lied to Lily after she was so caring toward me. Maybe... I don't know. Maybe my purpose in life is just to help other people down their roads to success, down their right paths. Come to think of it, my sleeping with Sirius only brought him closer to Marlene. And my freaking out at Frank only brought he and Lucy together. And my ignoring Annie brought her closer to her family. And my ignoring Lily helped her spend more time with James. So maybe...
Maybe my destiny is to be a fuck-up. I guess that would make sense.
I'm going to bed read for a while. Goodnight, Rose.
page thirty-one |
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 15, 2009 20:57:42 GMT -5
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'They that sow in tears shall reap joy.'
That's what Psalms 126:5 says, anyway. Not sure if I believe it. I got home today. Rode the train with Lily for the last time. Tried not to cry. I asked her where I could find a Bible and she told me to go to a Muggle library, so with a little persuading on the part of Grammy and Grampy I – ugh. Grampy and Grampy? What am I, five? Grandma and Grandpa took me there. Well, really, just Grandma. I had a hard time navigating, since the Muggles are very disorganized, but eventually I found one that was relatively clean and decided to check it out. Had to go through this arduous 'library card' process though, which was tiresome and probably not well worth it. I hadn't anticipated this book being so long, but I suppose the Muggles are rather long winded, especially when trying to deal with things that are too difficult for them to humanly conceive. Anyway, I started reading it when I arrived home, and find it an insultingly easy read. The structure is atrocious and it is no wonder that it was written by these Evangelists, so they are called, who lived before the proper institution of English grammar took shape. But, I digress.
The whole point of this entry is to explain my feelings about the above passage. Granted, I didn't actually get as far as the Psalms section in one night and will admit to having skimmed through a bit. But that particular one stood out to me and I decided to write it down lest I forget it. I'm not sure what to make of it. I understand what it means but I don't understand why I like it so much, or if it's even true. It seems to be suggesting that those who cry are often rewarded in the end, though that goes against most of the principles I've ever learned. It's always the bravest ones who are rewarded, not the whiny, pathetic ones. But apparently this Jesus guy had a different idea. Or whoever it is that wrote the Psalms. David, was it? Oh, I don't know, I haven't gotten that far yet. Anyway, I'm trying to find a way to believe that statement. Do people who suffer really get rewarded in the end? I honestly can't think of any examples. I don't know. Maybe this Bible will have more.
I suppose I'll just have to keep reading.
page thirty-two |
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 27, 2009 22:48:00 GMT -5
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So. I got a summer haircut today. My hair hasn't been this short in years. I wish Sirius could see. I wonder what he'd do. Maybe laugh. Who knows. It would be nice to have some boy to show it off to. But Sirius is gone and Damien... well, he's out of the equation. And Frank. Yeah, him too. Merlin. I've never felt so alone, hah. I suppose I'll just send an owl or something to Lily. Or I don't know. Maybe Livy. She'd probably kill me, though. Might want to wait for it to grow out a bit. Yeah. Then I'll show her. Anyway, for now, here's a picture of it:
Pretty exciting, I know. Well. Yeah. Not much more to say, I guess. Did some reading outside today. That was nice. Haven't been sleeping very well lately but that's okay, I'll live. I miss Annie and Sirius. I miss all my friends. But they're off doing things and I'm not a part of their lives anymore. I guess I was just convenient for them during school – Merlin knows I was for Sirius – but they don't want to go out of their way to associate with me during the summer. That's okay. I understand. I mean, no one wants to visit a fuck-up. Except Jesus, maybe, but he's the only one. And it's not like he tolerated fuck-ups. He either cured them or ignored them. Or they conveniently disappeared from his life. Like Judas Iscariot. But Judas was brave. Despite the Bible calling him a coward, I think he was brave. I would never have the guts to kill myself like he did. Merlin knows if I did I would. I bet no one would even notice.
Anyway. Going out to dinner with Grandma and Grandpa. I'll write more soon.
page thirty-three |
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 28, 2009 19:04:57 GMT -5
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Sirius sent me an owl today. It was apologetic and sweet. But I can't bring myself to reply. I don't want to deal with him right now. I just want to read about men who love women and would never abandon them. Like in romance novels. Because it makes me feel like there's hope, even though I know what I read is garbage and full of lies. I don't care. The current couple I'm reading about, Julianna and Richard, are quite dashing. Richard loves Julianna and even though he is a prince and has VIP access to the local whorehouse, Julianna is is one and only. He'd never sacrifice her for anything. Just like Sirius was never supposed to sacrifice me for anyone. But he did. And it hurts like hell. And therefore I'm not going to give him the courtesy of a response.
page thirty-four |
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Post by alicelogan on Dec 28, 2009 19:28:48 GMT -5
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Juliette came over today, asked if I wanted to go see a movie or go shopping or something. I said no. I'm a pathetic loser. I wanted to go. But I can't. I know this sounds stupid and melodramatic but it's true: I don't like smiling anymore. I find it disgusting. I feel weird doing it. I feel guilty. Like I shouldn't be smiling. I shouldn't be happy. I don't deserve to be happy. Which is foolish but it's how I feel. And Jules makes me smile so I obviously can't be around her. Damn, I wanted to go. I really did. Jules looked really down about it too. Oh well. She'll get someone else to go with her. She's got loads of friends. More happy, deserving, loving friends. Because she's Juliette Benoit and everyone knows her. I don't know why she likes me so much, honestly. I've never done anything for her except help her study.
No use thinking about it now, though. I said no and no means no. I'm not going. Simple and plain. Simple, simple...
I had a dream about Sirius last night. But I don't really want to talk about it now. Now I'm going to go read my book where men are dashing and don't let girls down. Yeah. Right. Anyway. Seeya.
page thirty-five |
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Post by alicelogan on Jan 1, 2010 0:36:29 GMT -5
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Sirius called me a bitch. And the worst part is that he's right. I am a bitch. I am. I've made so many mistakes, I've screwed over so many people, I've hurt so many people. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be getting owls from Sirius at all. I can't believe I didn't respond to his first letter. I should have. I really, really should have. Things maybe would have been better then.
I can't believe Sirius called me a bitch.
I deserved it. He's right. But. I can't believe he did it. I've never been called that name in my whole life. And he was the one to do it. Which... which is hard to stomach.
I'm going to bed. Actually, scratch that. I'm going to respond to this owl.
page thirty-six |
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Post by alicelogan on Jan 1, 2010 0:48:51 GMT -5
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I sent an owl of apology to Sirius. Still awaiting a response.
Today I went on a walk in the forest by myself. And I got to thinking how much I truly love it. Not being alone, but the forest itself. I don't know why, but it seems magical to me. It has comforting qualities, has beauty in its magnificence that just soothes me so much. I really love being there. The ferns, the pines, the flowers. It's all so natural, so clean, so healthy, so wonderful. I know that I can be myself in the forest, because it doesn't judge me. It would never judge me. It's... it's a safe haven, I think. I need to go there more often.
But the thing is... something about the forest troubles me. Well, not about the forest itself, but something that occurred within it. I don't know why but when I was walking down a slight incline, I tripped over a tree root and sliced open my hand on a rock with which I accidentally broke my fall. It was bleeding pretty badly and I was worried about it getting an infection, so I doused it with my water bottle and wrapped it in one of the napkins I'd brought with my lunch. But the whole while all I could think about was how much I enjoyed the pain. And it worries me a bit. I don't know. I mean. I saw the blood and I liked it. I liked feeling hurt, I liked... I liked feeling something real for a change. You know what I mean?
page thirty-seven |
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Post by alicelogan on Jan 1, 2010 1:04:32 GMT -5
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I started the New Testament today. And so far I really like the personage of Jesus. At least in the King James Bible, the copy I have, he's quite likable. I'm not sure why I'm so drawn to him, but he really... makes me feel happy. Which I haven't felt in a long time. He's just such a strong figure, such a beautiful man, such a humble, giving, courteous human being that I feel I must be exactly like him. I endeavor to have an ounce of his sincerity. Honestly, I feel like it's almost impossible to be as truly genuine as he is. But I'm going to try... he inspires me to be better than I am. To practice forgiveness. To be a model citizen. I wish that I can make people feel happy the way he makes people feel happy.
I also prayed for the first time today. It was really odd, I think, but it went... okay? I don't know. I prayed for Sirius and Marlene, for their happiness. I prayed for Lily and James's happiness too. I heard they're all living in close quarters and I suppose that's worthy of prayer in itself, hah. But in all seriousness. I want Marlene and Sirius and Lily and James to be happy, because I love them all in different ways; plus, they're just starting their new adult lives. And that's the thing that's worthy of prayer. I suppose we'll see if it works. But for right now, Seren just came in with Sirius's owl, so I'm going to attend to that.
page thirty-eight |
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Post by alicelogan on Jan 5, 2010 21:55:38 GMT -5
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It appears as though Sirius is remorseful.
I don't think he knows what I've been reduced to these past months.
page thirty-nine |
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