* hello, i love you

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 20

feeling: relaxed

So apparently I've been pretty stressed lately. Or, well, I'm always stressed, and since Jon came into my life he's been pushing me to go meditate with him.

I finally agreed today. It was...the weirdest and also most relaxing experience of my life. For real. And there I was, being all cynical about yoga before when my mother told me I should take some lessons. I'll never doubt her again. We did it in Jon's bedroom - ...okay, that wasn't meant to sound as dirty as it did - THE YOGA, at noon today, cause it's Saturday and it was empty. And I sat down with my legs crossed over all awkwardly, but it's more comfortable than it seems, I admit, and then Jon tried explaining what we were going to do. Of course I couldn't understand a thing.

Anyway, we did something that he called... 'Transcendental Meditation' or something, and we chanted and chanted something very exotic-sounding and focused on our spirits and the light and it was weird. But believe it or not I did end up much more relaxed.

Which I need to be since I'm hanging out with Ted tonight. He's helping me with some Potions work (ISN'T HE SWEET?) and we're going to be alone and ...

You know.

xOm man padme om,

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 21

feeling: good

I just had an epiphany.

Maybe the fact that I hadn't thought of it before makes me a little selfish. But I am, I guess. Selfish, I mean. Or does it make me a bad friend? That I'm definitely not. No, okay it means nothing at all.

The epiphany, right. SO: I'm going to plan a surprise birthday party for TJ! Isn't that awesome? I've told Jordan and Jon about it and they totally agree. We're planning it tonight and I'm sending out the invites as soon as we're done. Believe it or not, I'm going to try and find out exactly who TJ's friends with, and I'm not going to invite my friends, but his. Yes...even the weird people that he's friends with like Imogen Sauvaterre or his stupid girlfriend, Maylene. I'm going to make an effort just for him. Cause he's my best friend and he totally deserves it.

We're trying to come up with somewhere it could be. Since not all Hufflepuff house is coming, it can't be in the common room... I'll probably use an empty classroom or something, since it's a Saturday, and put charms on it so it's not visible from outside.

It'll be great! I'm so excited!

Feelings awesome,

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 22

feeling: irritated

This jerk so does not deserve an entry in my diary dedicated to him.

You wanna know why?

Cause I'm so, so mad at him right now that he just made me swear. I never swear if I can help it. Not even in writing in this book. And now I just did. Cause he's an idiot.

Seriously - why did I even date him again? I can't believe how non-committed he is. That's alright if the girl's not looking for a stable relationship at the moment as well - like I was - but if the girl is lovely and wonderful and sweet and wants to be his girlfriend for a while, then his fickleness is disgusting. Take J, for example. He broke her heart, and does he care? Of course not. So naturally I'm hating him, right?

AND HE GOES AND PRETENDS LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.

He even has the nerve to joke around with me. I can't believe him. And by the way? I don't plan on forgiving him anytime soon.

Nobody messes with my best friend and gets away with it.

Not even Kieran freaking Sullivan.

Arrrgh!

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 22

feeling: energetic

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.

SO GUESS WHAT? Hogwarts has decided that they're going to have Cheerleading Teams! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Obviously, I went to tryouts, and I made it, again, obviously. AND THAT'S NOT ALL.

I'M CAPTAIN!

I know! I'm freaking out! Do you even know how awesome that is? Argh! I get to manage my own squad! For Hufflepuffs, obviously. And I think Claire's trying out as well, and Rita's the captain of the Ravenclaw Cheerios, too. And I'm so excited! I've never been this excited for the next Quidditch match.

Emmeline Vance, Captain of the Hufflepuff Cheerleaders. I missed that title.

Go, Huffies, go!

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 27

feeling: indescribable

... I can't even breathe. I can't. I. I can't do this right now.

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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I I can't How could She

I have to break up with him.

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 28

feeling: melancholic

Ted and I are no longer together.

I can't deal with this. I skipped classes today. I can't get out of bed. Told J and G that I was sick. I lied to them. Sort of.

I feel wretched...alone? I need my friends...

Crying again...

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 31

feeling: back on track

I ran three hours this morning. (It's Saturday, don't worry. I'm not skipping a schoolday ever again. Ever. I've been traumatized enough for one lifetime because of that incident on Wednesday.) It's getting colder every day, I swear. Anyway, the refreshing activity has made me come to a conclusion.

Sulking around isn't going to help matters. I talked to Gabby today, and she was really supportive and sweet, and it's made me realize that...well, not everything's changed, you know? They're all right, I've got to get back on track, put on a brave face and be the awesome self I always am. People adore me, so I have to give them what they want: me. I'm coming up with a plan to get back on track.

1. No more letting people see me cry. Save that for late night.
2. Run. A lot. It gets my mind off stuff.
3. Write to muggle friends and family.
4. Stop avoiding Ted.
5. Confront Rita about it?
6. Finish homework for the week. I've fallen behind, and I can't start getting bad grades now because of something a stupid girl said.
7. Ignore looks.
8. ...

I'm swearing off boys. I...I don't need them, why should I? And I have to...I have to prove that I'm not what Rita said I was. I really am not...I thought she knew that. Maybe she was just upset over Ted, like I've been told but- she had no right to do that to me. No right. Nobody does that to me and gets away with it. I'm giving Rita what she wants by acting this way.

I'm strong.

At least maybe I can come off that way if I try.

Nike,

PS: Ask Jon for another meditation session. Or a few more...you know what, I think I may just take up on that.

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 31

feeling: scared

Oh my Gosh. You don't think Cam believed that tabloid, do you? I mean...oh God, oh God, oh God. He can't honestly think I used him, right? He must know I did care about him... but...I explained everything to him! I broke it off because...well it just wasn't working, we didn't have that much stuff in common, and...just...

Damn tears. You would've thought I'd run out by now. -Deep breath, Emme, deep breath.- I'll talk to him. I have to explain.

Determined to make things right,

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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september 31

feeling: stressed

I'm trying to figure out Rita Skeeter. She is was my friend, you see, which is why I don't understand what could possibly drive her to write something like that about me. Well, I mean...yeah, I know it was definitely about Ted. Even though she said she was 'totally okay' with it. Why would she lie about that? I mean, I would've wanted to know, if it bothered her, I would have given her time, or told Ted I couldn't do that to R.

But she said it was okay, so I believed her! Obviously it wasn't okay. Does that mean she also lied about Finn and Carrow? Or is she just overly possessive over her ex-boyfriends. No, that's not true because I've seen other people date her ex-boyfriends and she's never done that to them. It's got to be Ted. This is the whole reason why I broke up with him. Apart from the fact that people were talking and stuff, obviously it pissed Rita off, and yes, maybe some of my reasons were totally selfish in the way that I didn't want to give her more reasons to bash me, but also...I've always been friends with Rita. I don't want to hurt her on purpose. And Ted being with me? It was obviously hurting her.

That still doesn't explain why she said that. And it's not an excuse, of course. It was a horrible thing to do, and I can't believe she would have done it. Yeah, I'm disappointed in her. And I'm feeling bad for myself, and even worse than that? I'm feeling unwanted. Like, was she totally pretending to be my friend just to get gossip? That can't be, right? Cause...she's never done anything to me before, and we were friends.

Is she even sorry for any of this?

I'm not going to ask her. I'm not even talking to her. If we're not going to be enemies forever, it's she that has to apologize, duh. I did nothing wrong. Except for dating Ted but that's not even my fault! I didn't know it was wrong, okay? Urgh. Damnit, I'm crying again. It probably sounds lame, telling a book that I'm crying, but when I read this in the future, or show my kids or something, I need to know what I was doing. And right now? Tears are falling down my face and my head is aching really badly, and I miss Ted.

Thank you Rita, for screwing up my life.

Bitter,

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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october 1

feeling: anxious

I'm faring well. New month, fresh start, okay?

I'm trying to get more people to join the Cheerleading Squad. So far, we've got, well, me of course, Gab (who looks totally adorable in her uniform), Kasey, and I think Gab and I managed to convince Gideon to try out. I will not make fun of him, I will not make fun of him. He's adorable, that one. Anyway, that's what, four? We need so many more. Jada said she might, or something. And I asked Jon and he thought I was kidding. Dang it. Now who else is going to be willing to join?

You don't think Ted would- No, I'm not going to think about him. Oh, this is stupid, why won't I- He plays Quidditch anyway, so... Stopping now.

Yes, this is me trying to avoid the serious issue at hand.

Aah!

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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october 3

feeling: complacent

Still no luck with the Cheerios - I've adopted the nickname from my muggle school, it's perky and it's cute, and I like it. But what I don't understand is why every single girl in Hufflepuff isn't like, piling up to join the Cheerleading Team! It's like, the greatest thing this school has had to offer since Homework Club! Who understands girls sometimes...

Speaking of which! I don't think I ever mentioned this from like, ages ago! I did a photoshoot with Pierre, my first one with him, and like, this guy came in and started talking to me, and he was really, really cute and he was super nice and funny and yes, I think we were flirting, even though he has a girlfriend, dang it, but you know, everybody can break up? Anyway, his name's Ethan Cartier, and he's in Gryffindor, seventh year, I think. We went for a walk and it was super super fun and I was just reminded of this because I walked into him going to dinner tonight and like, I'd totally forgotten how cute he was and I just kind of freaked for a while. He's still dating this Indigo girl, though. Is it really, really bad that I think I kind of want them to break up? Yes, it is, dang, I'm such a terrible person. But anyway, he's like, super super cute, I thought I should reinforce that beca-

Nevermind. I'm swearing off guys, remember?

Regretful,

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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october 4

feeling: giddy

I have the best friends in the whole wide world. I know that sounded very, very cliched, and you know what, maybe it is cliched. But you know what else is cliched? Romance. And life. And perfection. And I love romance, and my life is very cliched, and I strive for perfection, I guess I'm a cliched person overall. And I like it.

Today's Best Friend of the Day Award goes to Gideon freaking Prewett.

Seriously. I don't think I've ever appreciated him enough. That's a lie, I have, and I do, and I always will. He's just so sweet, you know? He's like a little boy most of the time, but he's such a gentleman, and he's kind and he's thoughtful and I adore him. Today, for example (just to give a random example of how amazing he is to me, not saying that only then did I appreciate him), we were passing notes in class and I don't even know, we were talking about random stuff, and I think I mentioned I broke up with Ted, and he didn't know, and he was just so sweet to me. And he gave me a massage, and I have discovered the Massage King, and I will get more massages from him in the future, just you wait. Mm, was that good.

Which reminds me! God, he's hilarious. So he does that, and I go: "You're a God."

And he replies, "No, just a Gid."

Bam. I start cracking up. Nearly got into trouble (which means Flitwick glanced my way, yes, shut up, diary.)

And then somehow he ended up promising me he'd carry me to my next class, but I had a free period, which is where I am right now, and he had Care of Magical Creatures, all the way down at Hagrid's Hut, you know. And he still carried me here. Can you believe the guy? Hopefully he wasn't late because of me. I do love piggyback rides, though. Makes me feel like a little girl again. (:

Anyway, I thought I should remind myself of how honestly lucky I am to have a friend like him. And never will I ever forget that. Promise. I do have to get him with Gabby, though, they're cute. And he asked me to teach him some dancing or like, coordination or something because he doesn't want to embarrass himself in our first cheerios practice tomorrow, which is the most adorable thing ever, so on Monday, after class, we'll be doing that.

Oh, and also, we proved that it is possible to summon humans! We are epic.

Giddy (get it?),

[/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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october 7

feeling: proud

Quick note before the real deal. Today, Gid and I shall be practicing Cheerleading in private, whoo! Also, I stumbled across a book in the library that gives the meanings of flowers, and apparently, my favorite one, the yellow tulips, means hopelessly in love. How romantic is that? ♥

Anyway. So um. Guess who spoke to me today? Or well, technically didn't speak, but wrote, since he just passed me a note and all, but it still counts! Guess who made conversation with me today? Ethan Cartier, that's who. Yes, seventh year, dimple-clad, dorkily adorable Ethan Cartier. And guess what else? I'm a silly, ridiculous, fickle, fickle girl. Honestly, I'm ashamed of myself. I swore I wouldn't look at guys anymore, I swore I was over everybody, that I didn't need another crush, right? Yeah, well guess how long that lasted?

...Oh, my god it lasted a week. One week. Geez, I'd been expecting at least more than ten days when I said that. Oh, God, I'm such a terrible person. And besides, it's not like this is even going anywhere! Ethan has a girlfriend! And she's also seventeen, and they've known each other for years and usually I wouldn't think twice about fighting for what I want but...okay, she kind of intimidates me? Can you really blame me, diary? Have you seen Indigo Grace? She's pretty freaking scary, okay? And as much as I think I have a crush on Ethan, I don't want to get in the way of that. Maybe subtly... I'm really horrible, aren't I? But I can't help it. He decided to be all cute and ask me what was wrong and offer me chocolate. Does he get satisfaction from making girls like him? I know guys like that. I know plenty of guys like that. But he doesn't seem that way...? And yet he didn't like, seem oblivious or anything, either, which is super weird cause then, what exactly was he doing? Cheating on Indigo? Nope...because we weren't doing anything. We weren't even flirting! Okay, maybe we were? Just a little bit? Aw, dang, I don't know. And gosh, the last thing I want right now is more boy-drama. I've had enough with him lately. Why can't I keep my eyes to myself? What is it about me that just draws cute boys around? I can't help it that I'm gorgeous! But they really should stay away if they're dating somebody. And if they've been dating somebody for the past like, lifetime from what I gather...geez.

...but he's so cute. AND HE SPEAKS FRENCH. DID I MENTION HE SPEAKS FRENCH? I should have guessed, with a last name like Cartier, but still, omigosh I haven't spoken French since like, the last conversation I had with Jules in French, which was like ages ago, and I love French. And I love French guys, AND I REALLY NEED TO GET OVER HIM. For real. I have to. Okay? I'll distract myself. If I'm not going to stick to the no-boy policy, then at least I'm going to go after one that's available. I don't need more reasons for Rita to call me a skank. Yikes. Okay, when I think about it that way, I really shouldn't get involved with Ethan in any way. Okay, I'm going to ignore him. I'm going to convince myself that we'd never work out. Let's make a list, okay? I love lists.

REASONS WHY ETHAN AND I WOULD NEVER WORK OUT:

[/u]
1. He has a girlfriend.
2. He's in Gryffindor. We wouldn't see each other that much.
3. He's too stubborn.
4. He's not too good at giving gifts. I'll explain later.
5. HE DOESN'T LIKE FLOWERS. I need flowers. I love flowers. Flowers are my life.
6. He doesn't have a good memory. If he starts forgetting our dates and stuff...
7. He can't take compliments.
8. He can't flirt.
9. He's too defensive.
10. And, and...um...we have the same initial. That's...a bad sign for a relationship. It um...it's a sign that there will be competitiveness. Not good.

Okay, enough. I've convinced myself. Yeah, right. Anyway, I promise, promise, promise I'll stay away from him. No flirting...much. No, no flirting. Remember the tabloid, remember. I've got to get myself a guy that's single. That's cute. That loves me. And that's a really good friend of mine already, so that there's no chance in hell that I'll be called a skank for hanging out with him more; so what if there's kissing involved?

Oh, and as to the thing with the gifts, it's stupid, but it's a reason all the same. He gave me chocolate, and demanded payment in return. What is that, even? Hm, good, this is good. If I know his faults, it'll be less difficult to forget him. Au revoir, Mr. Cartier. I'm focusing on somebody else now.

Yeah, I'm kind of proud of my willpower,

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote][/color]

[Emmeline Vance]

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october 8

feeling: cheerful

I went to practice cheerleading with Gid today! He's... not that coordinated. It's adorable, though. He did really well lifting me up and stuff! And like, he'll be perfect for it because we really needed a guy to catch? And we practiced for a while, so he's good at it now. I can't wait to show the rest of the girls. Gideon's amazing; I can't believe he's actually doing this for me.

xoxo,

[/color]