- F U N H O U S E -

[isabelle]

PAGE 14

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I DON'T EVEN CARE

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NOVEMBER 7TH

Oh, I almost forgot. Ooops.

Resolutions:

• Convince Hoff I don't need her
  
• Never talk to my father again
  (Interactions with him can't possibly be healthy for me)
  
• Can't think of anything else off the top of my head
  
• Oh whatever, I don't care
  
• You really took all the fun out of this, Hoff.
  
• Fuck you.
  

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[isabelle]

PAGE 15

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IT'S PARADOXICAL IN EVERY WAY

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NOVEMBER 10TH

Class was boring as ever today. But I was entertained because I had a very interesting conversation with some guy named Alex. He's not like most of the students here and has an interesting outlook on things. I mean, I don't agree with him on everything but definitely on some things. We talked about favorite colors, favorite... other things too. I told him about Mom and Keegan but only because I wasn't sure if he knew or not and I mean, he'd find out eventually, wouldn't he? Oh, I don't know. It's not like it's some secret, in any case.

We talked about holidays too. I think he said he goes home for them? I can't remember. Lucky him. Not sure if I'm being sarcastic or not. Personally, I hate it when I'm forced home for the holidays. But if I had an actual family to go home to, who knows. I used to love Christmas. Then again, I used to love a lot of things that I don't anymore. People change. Deal with it.

I just noticed but somehow... everything always come back to that.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 16

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CONTINUAL IRRESOLUTION
KEEPS ME SHACKLED TO THE GROUND

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NOVEMBER 25TH

So it hasn't been that long and I've already broken one of my newest resolutions. The whole 'Never talk to my father again' one. But I guess technically, it wasn't really talking. It was a letter. The past few nights I've been unable to think of anything else but Mrs. Hoff and the whole shrink thing and why he would come up with something like this out of the blue. Heath Laurentine is not a spontaneous man. Maybe once upon a time but not anymore. He does things for reasons. So I asked him.

What's the big reason behind all of this? Why now?

I'm curious to see if he'll give me a straight answer or just tell me I'm too young to understand.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 17

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I'M TIRED OF MY LIFE

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DECEMBER 3RD

So. I'm in class. Bored out of mind. And there's no one I'd even consider passing notes with.

Lucky me.

This has prompted me to write a new resolution:

• Make a new friend.

I don't really care so much about having a ton of friends but seriously at least I would have someone to talk to in class. Plus, I kind of want to see how long this good streak of mine will last. I've got Rose and Amory back, things with Drake are good if not a bit confusing so let's see how far this'll go? I'm gonna push it till it breaks.

Then go back to spending my time all alone?

Pssh. Whatever, like I care.

Besides if I make a new friend, or at least show the initiative, maybe Hoff'll consider me good to go. Whatever it takes, seriously.

Fuck that, I'm not backing down.

I'm just bored that's all.

So here's my new resolution:

• Stop going to class.

Sounds like a solution to me. What do you think, Hoffy?

... And here is where I paste on my sweetest smile and shoot you the finger.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 18

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I FEEL SO IN BETWEEN

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DECEMBER 3RD

Okay, I just re-read that and realized how bipolar I sound.

Like seriously... what the fuck?

But hey, at least that's a diagnosis.

Your work here is done, Hoff.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 19

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LOOK HOW YOU'VE CHANGED

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DECEMBER 15TH

It's been 20 days since I sent the owl to my dad and there's still been no response. And he's normally such an organized person. This is ridiculous.

I'm getting annoyed. No. I'm pissed.

Extremely.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 20

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I THINK I'M LOSING ALL CONTROL NOW

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DECEMBER 19TH

Oh my god. I don't even know what to say, what to write. My dad... No, he's not my dad. I can't believe he would do something like that! It's just... no. No. He can't have - No. He did. He did. My god, I'm hyperventilating. Calm down, that's what I need to do.

Remember the owl I sent him? Asking why he had suddenly taken in an interest in my life? Well I was going to send him another one telling him to give me a freaking answer but guess what? His reply came first. And you want to know why he was suddenly so concerned?

HE READ MY DIARY.

That sounds so petty but it's not. Not just any diary. The one I wrote it after Mom and Keegan - after it. I can't believe he would read something like that. It said - It said... Well he sent it to me so I'll tape in the entries after this. The important ones anyway. I can't believe him.

I was freaking out and then this guy showed up. Ethan Cartier. I obviously wanted to be left alone but apparently that was too much for him to comprehend since he sat down to talk or whatever, the stupid French idiot.

He just... Gah, I don't get it. He just sat there and tried to talk or something but then he didn't really seem to be into talking - He said that I was being petulant and childish and maybe I was but whatever Yeah! Who just says that to people? Merlin's bear, he just, he just... I got so upset and yeah, maybe I was really just mad at my dad and taking it out on him I threw the stupid diary at him and stormed out.

...And then realized I'd left the diary behind and had to march back and get it. Mortifying, really. Oh, fuck my life.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 21

August 2nd, 1975

Mom's dead. Keegan's dead too.

We were coming back from the opera. Isn't the silly? We were in a car, a muggle things. So crazy. This other car hit us. I remember the headlights. I remember how white and blinding and sudden they were. Mom screamed, I know that much. I don't know if Keegan screamed. I don't remember. Everything was dark then, bright and dark and the same time. And so quiet. I said something, I said something but I don't remember. I blacked out.

And then it was bright again. The lights were so bright. I wasn't in the car. I didn't know where I was. Turns out it was a hospital. Like a muggle St.Mungos. Muggles found us. Muggles couldn't save Mom and Keegan. They asked me what my name was, I didn't say anything. Mom was dead. Keegan was dead. They're still dead. They'll always be dead. But Dad came. I told them his number. Silly numbers. So Dad came eventually. He looked so emotionless. Scary. He didn't say anything that you'd expect. Didn't say he was so glad I was okay.

Maybe's he's not.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 5th, 1975

Everything's messed up. I don't know how to explain it. Dad's become awfully quiet. He just doesn't do anything. He never talks to me. I can't help but wonder but I don't want to think because it's hard but I have to wonder. Does he blame me? I think so. He wasn't there to save them. I was. I didn't. I thought it was the muggles' fault. They couldn't save them, the idiots. I hate them, I really do. Stupid muggles, stupid them and their "doctors". I thought they were supposed to save people but they couldn't save the people who mattered the most. To me. But if they mattered so much to me, I should have saved them. But I couldn't. Maybe Dad's right.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 6th, 1975

Today was the funeral.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 8th

I'm worrried. Dad hasn't really talked to me since it happened. I'm afraid, I'm really afraid that...

I'm afraid he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't say goodnight or good morning or 'I love you' like he used to. I don't know if I can bring myself to love him. I need him so much... and he's just not there for me. How can he not understand this? I lost people I loved too! He's the only one I got left and most of the time it seems like I might as well have lost him too for all that's he's changed.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 9th

I miss them so much...

Merlin, so much. It's not fair. Why did this happen? Why now? Why them? What did I do wrong?

I have to have done something wrong. That's the only reason this could be happening.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 11th

I heard something today. Dad's friend was over and he said something. I wasn't supposed to know.

The guy that hit us? He was driving drunk.

And know what else?

He's still alive.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 15th

I had a dream where everything was back to normal. They were alive. I forgot for a second today. When I was going down the stairs to go have breakfast. For a second, I forgot. And then I remembered and it was horrible. It was worse than if I had never forgot at all. That was a lie.

They're not coming back.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 18th

Nothing happens. I don't do anything. I just sit here. And I write sometimes, I write in here.

But not for long.

Too long and it just hurts more.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 23rd

I need to snap out of this but I can't.

Things are so weird, so different. I don't know what to do. I don't understand what's going on.

Everything's worse now. Everything.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 25th

I'm scared.

I s a b e l l e

---

August 31st

School tomorrow. I'm not bringing this book with me. I'm not writing anymore. It's too hard. I can't forget it if I keep writing when I don't know what to do. This isn't helping.

I'm going to burn it.

I s a b e l l e

---

I didn't burn it. Obviously.

[isabelle]

PAGE 22

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NOTHING LEFT TO SAY

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DECEMBER 20TH

The entries are shorter than I remembered. Everything seems bigger when you're little.

I'm not talking to him again. Ever. For real, this time.

He's not Dad anymore. He hasn't been for a long time.

He's Heath Laurentine and I don't want anything to do with him

I'm not going back there again. Just to get my stuff maybe, and then that's it. Definitely not for Christmas. I don't know where I'll go for the summer but anywhere has to be better.

I can't believe he did that.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 23

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HAVE I LOST ENOUGH SECURITY YET?

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DECEMBER 22ND

I'm not going to let this ruin anything.

As far as I'm concerned, nothing happened.

Sure, he's dead to me but I'm not going to let it affect me.

I'm sick of letting him affect me.

Happy fucking Holidays.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 24

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AND I DON'T NEED BOXES WRAPPED IN STRINGS

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DECEMBER 25TH

Merry Christmas to me.

Whoopdeedoo.

Christmas sucks. Yeah, you must be so shocked. Considering the amazement that's been my life recently, I would have expected Christmas to be awesome.

Total sarcasm.

But no. I woke up - at Hogwarts by the way, there was no way in hell I was going home - and went down to the Great Hall, had breakfast, managed not to talk to anyone except for this one girl with frizzy hair that wished me a Merry Christmas. But I didn't say anything back. The rest of the morning was spent hiding out in the dormitory. And I'm still here now. Everyone else is out doing something or having fun or opening up presents but I've decided that I don't need Christmas. Instead, I think I'd rather just hide in here and hope that no one finds me.

I'm not really in the mood to celebrate.

Oh yeah, PS - Heath sent a card. I'm not opening it.

I thought about throwing it in the fire but that would be giving it more attention than it deserves so instead it got shoved under the bed. And no, I'm not just making up excuses...

I'm not.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 25

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AND IF ALL I EVER DID WAS LET, LET YOU DOWN
AIN'T NOTHING STOPPING ME NOW

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JANUARY 29TH

Oh fuck.

I really don't know what else to say. You know how not that long ago I was going on about what a great friend Drake is? And how he's like my only friend who managed to stay my friend through everything... Yeah. Well. About that.

Apparently he can stick around and be the most amazing friend ever even after I'm in a car accident that kills my mom and little brother and my dad pretty much severs all ties with me. Yeah, he stays around, stays one of my closest friends, we only become closer. My main point here? We got through that and made it through.

But Drake gets a girlfriend and I just to rip everything to pieces.

If I ever thought before today that I was an idiot... I had no idea. I just - I don't know what to do. I just wanted to chat and see what was new. You know when you ask a question and then find out something you didn't want to know and then wish you hadn't asked the question because then you wouldn't know and then it maybe wouldn't be true? Yeah. That is. Class was boring, I passed him a note asking what was new... He tells me he's "officially dating" Annie Black.

Uh huh. That's the worst part. If he was dating some whore or something I could just complain about how he deserves better or how horrible she is but now with this? Drake and Annie have been friends forever and they play Quidditch together and they're both Ravenclaws and she is probably really smart and actually puts effort into her classes, and everyone loves her and she has stupidly shiny brown hair. I'm sorry but it's really hard not to compare.

Anyway, back to whole "ripping everything to pieces." I tried to act nonchalant about it... at first. Then I sortakindamaybe ended up acting like a huge bitch and chucking a note at his head that sarcastically told him what a cute couple they were... and then stormed out of class.

I think the starting two words of this entry really sum it up best.

PS - Yeah, I realize it's been a while. Life's been boring plus I wasn't sure if I was even gonna continue writing. I mean, I don't need to now that I'm not seeing that shrink anymore. But now this shit with Drake happened and the chance to vent is much appreciated.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 26

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NOW I'M A VICTIM FOR THE FIRST TIME

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JANUARY 31ST

Screw him. Screw both of them. I'm not jealous Okay I am. I don't know why, I don't knnow exactly what's going on. I mean I realize that I should have had a reason to get so mad at Drake but it all just seems so messed up. I think I did like him. Or do. I don't know. But I don't want to. I'm not that girl. The girl who moons after some boy and then gets all upset when she finds out he likes someone else. No fucking way is that me. I'm not jealous. I'm not. I'm just... embarassed. Because for a while there, I was almost starting to think that maybe he liked me. That maybe I really did like him and maybe he felt the same and maybe...

Oh, I don't know.

This is pointless.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 27

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WELL WELL, BABY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW
YOU TURNED THE TABLES ON ME, DIDN'T YOU?

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FEBRUARY 3RD

Oh fuck the both of them. This is ridiculous. I don't need this right now, what with all the shit with my dad Heath. I never even told Drake about that - I would have if he hadn't sprung the girlfriend thing on me - so I know he doesn't know but still. I don't have time for this stupid stuff. Normally I would only be able to think about how pissed off I am about the whole Heath&diary thing but I've barely been able to think about it at all because of Drake and Annie and the fact that I just don't seem capable of letting it go.

I mean really, it's not a big deal. I mean yeah, I was a bitch to him, but he pretty much made me feel like the biggest fool in the school. So really, he deserved it...

And I mean, if he wants to be with Annie, that's fine with me. Completely fine. I don't give a shit who he decides to date or not date but I couldn't care less about Drake Valo. End of story.

Now I just seriously need to stop thinking about him - them. Ew.

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[isabelle]

PAGE 28

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THE WORLD ISN'T WATCHING US BREAK DOWN

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FEBRUARY 7TH

So even though the last two times I went to the owlery, I received some horrible news or another, apparently I decided to try my luck. After all I had to mail a letter to Hoff telling her that I'm never going in again and if she wants to know why she can just ask my dad - who I'm not talking to anymore. He also knows why. So I guess this means that I don't have to worry about you - er, her - reading this anymore. Which is sort of nice. Now I'm not writing to my shrink but just writing in a diary for the sake of it. The same reason anyone who has a diary writes in it. And I know I really didn't want a diary at first - because it made me think of my old diary, obviously - but I've grown to like it. Venting is quite refreshing.

But moving on. I didn't receive any horrible news up in the owlery really... I just ran into Lorcan. Actually, he was sleeping. And I woke him up. Not sure why. Oh yeah - I wanted to see what it was like to actually tickle a feather on someone's nose when they were sleeping. It didn't go over so well. Being, well... Lorcan, he bumped up or something and disturbed some owl who tried to attack him. Then he yelled at me and I yelled at him... Ugh. Not as bad as last time. See, we used to be friends but after I started changing he got really mad 'cause I guess he didn't like how I was changing so he tried to talk to me but ended up angry and then I got pissed that he actually had the nerve to be angry with me about changing after everything that had happened and then... well then he left and I hadn't seen him since.

We calmed down eventually though - in the owlery though, today, I mean. Although well, he wanted to fix things, make them right. He said he was sorry and I told him that that didn't mean anything, because it doesn't. It's just a word that people use an excuse to get out of actually having to do anything. I also told Lorcan this and well... his idea of doing some was walking over and telling me to hit him because he deserved it. And I know that sounds ridiculous and I thought so too but I just started thinking about how angry I was - with him and just with everything and then...

I hit him.

I hit him. Right across his cute little Aussie face. Oh god. Talk about violent, no? But he actually wasn't upset. He wants things better between us, he really does. But I told him we couldn't be friends because it would just be too much, too quickly. But the truth? It's just too much change. So much is changing right now and I just can't take anymore if I can prevent it. I don't like change. I suppose you could almost say that I'm afraid of change - with every freaking right to be, though. I probably should have left after turning down his offer but instead I stayed to talk - I mean people can do that with people they aren't friends with, right? - and then sort of ended up telling him - when he asked what was new - how I was friends with Rose and Amory again.

After just telling him that we couldn't be friends again.

I AM A FUCKING IDIOT.

Needless to say, that didn't go over well. We yelled a bit more, I don't really want to go over everything but let's just say it wasn't pretty. I ended up walking away from him but he still - gah, I don't know he seemed like still wanted to be friends, which is weird because really, he should hate me, shouldn't me? And I just - I don't understand. What's so special about me? Nothing. There are so many others that would be much better friends and yet this escalates into some huge drama. It's just -

Merlin, this is annoying. Like seriously, I need to find a hobby or something if I can spend this much time just writing in a diary about things I already experienced today. I don't really need to live through everything twice, do I?

Especially not stuff that hurt sucks so much.

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