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Post by Remus Lupin on Sept 3, 2008 11:34:55 GMT -5
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Post by Remus Lupin on Sept 3, 2008 11:35:13 GMT -5
It started off so well...
She was just sitting there, staring at the lake. Perfect time for me to take advantage and just get to talk to her. We haven't talked in so long. She's never around anymore now that she's dating that...wannabe. I was a mess, my trips to the Shack are getting worse, but there was almost no way that she was going to be able to see, it was so dark outside. Just a normal conversation, that's all I wanted. Of course, with my luck, it could have turned out worse.
I've never felt so numb in my entire life.
She tried to find out my secret again. I don't think she's going to stop until she either figures it out, or I make her stop. Doubtful. She's more stubborn than I am. She's always picking at me, trying to make me tell her. She's lucky I like her so much, or I would avoid her as much as possible. She's just nosy. I just want to be able to be normal around her. To be me. To be honest I'm starting to get used to all the questions.
These, however, I wasn't as prepared for...
“Have you ever liked someone and know you can’t tell them?”
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Seriously, what am I supposed to think when she says that to me? I mean, there's always been that tension between us, I'm sure she knows by now that there are feelings, at least on my side. I've always liked Bella. But she's dating...him. What is she doing asking me things like this when she's supposed to be dating someone? Albeit someone who's ass I wish I could kick. Well done Bella, way to not be as confusing as possible.
"What do you want to be?”
What do I want to be? What does she think I want to be? If she doesn't know, she must not have eyes. Or ears.
DUH
What does she want from me? What am I supposed to do? Now all of sudden she's been thinking about being with me? Now? After everything we've been through, she chooses that poser over me, and now that she's with him, she's talking to me about the thing I've wanted most but can't have? Wonderful.
I would have done anything for her.
I would have fixed her.
I wouldn't use her like he is.
But all I can do is stare from the sidelines, watch her get broken into pieces again and I can't do anything about it.
And she asks me what I want us to be.
I want her to be mine.
I want to protect her.
I want to take all those itty bitty pieces and put them all back together.
God.
I just...
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
“Do you know how much easier it would be to date you?” [/center] ...Easier. Is that really what she thinks of me as? The easy way out? Is that what I am? I always thought that being a werewolf would've hardened my heart to the rest of the world, all the hate directed toward me and people like me. I never knew I could feel like this. Like there's this vortex in the middle of my chest, sucking all my energy and strength out of my body.
Like I'm completely lost.
Confused.
Worthless.
Broken. She'll never love me the way I love her. Obviously. She could never say something like that to me if she did. I guess it's for the best. No, it is for the best. I deserve it. I shouldn't be with anyone, let alone Bella. She's so close, yet so out of reach. I'll never do anything to deserve her, she could never be with someone like me. A monster. If only she knew. I wonder if we'd still be friends. Maybe then she'd know what she wanted. She wouldn't want me. Why would she want to be with someone like me? A freak. She doesn't know what she wants, and now she's bringing me into her little game. I can't deal with this. I have enough to worry about. Trying to get my homework done, keep my grades up so that I can stay in this bloody school, stay on top of Sirius and James to make sure they don't get in enough trouble to get them booted out of Hogwarts, oh yeah, and I have to make sure I don't kill anyone. God I want her. But how could I ever be with her, even if I wasn't what I am? After she just said that? How could I ever know if she was just being with me because it was 'easy'. Nothings ever been easy for me, how does she deserve to have anything be 'easy' for her? The instant those words left her mouth, it was like... ...like I stopped feeling. Oddly enough I'd never 'felt' anything like it. I've never been so completely and utterly...broken. I could barely breathe. I didn't want to. I just wanted to drown myself, right there in the lake and disappear from the world forever, because in that moment, everything else pretty much became meaningless. Even if it didn't make sense to me. It was like a wall had been instantly put between us, something completely impossible to climb or break or go around. We were separated forever. I could never be with her. I'm just an easy way out. I'll never really be good enough for her. I'll always be a monster. I just hope I see her every once in a while, just to see her smile, her eyes...it'll be enough. I think. [/color]
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Post by Remus Lupin on Sept 3, 2008 13:36:45 GMT -5
 [/url] Though I must say it was quite worth it at the time. There's no way I'm not going to pay for this at some point or another. He's going to find out eventually. God, he's going to kill me. I'm not yet sure if that's literal or not. He is Regulus Black. I was just so... mad, I didn't mean to yell at her. She was looking at me with those innocent eyes full of tears and it made me want to smack her, even though I would never do that. I'd never be able to forgive myself. I wanted to scream at her, telling her what a bitch she was, what she'd done to me. All the work that I'd done in myself to stay away from her and all the things that I'd done for her, to make her feel better at my own expense, and this was how she treated me. But I couldn't. The same eyes that made me so mad kind of...broke me down I guess. I knew I couldn't stay mad at her. I love her. And then we went out in the hallway and everything was just so confusing. I didn't know what I felt, what I wanted. And then I did. I love her, I want her, but I can't have her. I don't deserve her. I'm a monster. She'll never really love me. She's with him. Nothing about it can work. We're too different. She doesn't know about me. She was right there. I know she wants it. I know she wants me. But maybe she doesn't. What if she doesn't? What if she pushes me away? ...who cares? So I did. I kissed her. Like, on the lips. I'm going to hell for this. I hate to agree with Ludo on anything, but seriously... ...it was totally worth it. ...and she didn't push me away.
She wanted it just as much as I did.
She wanted me. But then she had to ruin it.Yeah I told her that it didn't matter who she chose, but who even really believes that shit anyways? She chose him.
Drowning myself in the lake is looking more and more appealing. [/color] |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Sept 3, 2008 13:42:15 GMT -5
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Post by Remus Lupin on Sept 3, 2008 16:02:09 GMT -5
So I'm pretty much positive I'm getting my ass kicked.
Who cares. He's fixing me afterwards anyways.
I really really hope Bella doesn't try to get in the middle of this. She's always sticking her nose where it shouldn't be. Not that it isn't her place, it totally is, but her nose still shouldn't be there. If she gets inbetween me and Reg it's only going to make it worse for both of us. He's going to think that I need Bella to protect me, even though it's completely the other way around, and he's probably going to do something to Bella. I don't know what I'd do if he hurt her.
Probably kill him.
He doesn't deserve her anyways.
I'm even more confused now though. She loves me. She admitted it. I always knew she did, but she'd never actually confirmed it for me until now. I don't get it, she loves me, but she loves that asshole more?
Girls are so confusing.
How can you love two people at the same time? Doesn't love mean that you would do anything for one person? How can you promise to do anything for one person, when if you truly loved them you'd be able to give up the other person, whom you also love and would do anything for?
Okay now I'm confusing myself.
Honestly though, I'd love to hear that conversation going on between Bella and Regulus. I'd love to hear her try and defend herself when she knows she loves me. I always knew she did. God it's nice to actually know it for real now. I just hope that doesn't mean she's going to do something...
...stupid. 
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 12, 2008 2:40:10 GMT -5
Well that was...interesting
I'm pretty sure that's the only word that'll describe the events of the past twenty-four hours.
Of course, Black followed through on his promise, and Bella did something stupid like I figured she would. I will forever be indebted to the fact that I'm not conciously awake when I destroy myself in the Shack.
I was kinda like,
Oh, it won't be too bad
I've had worse
I'll be fine
Yeah, that mindset lasted about the time it took for Reg's fist to make that little swishy noise right before it left a permanent imprint on my right zygomatic.
It wasn't really that bad for a few minutes. I mean, it was just pain, and once you got into that whole 'mind over matter' mentality, you're just kind of waiting for it to be over. But of course he had to get me all upside-down, and all the blood from my nose was pooling into my sinuses. I'm probably going to get an infection, even though Madam Pomfrey told me I wouldn't. With my luck I'll probably get some kind of hemo-fungus growing in there and be dead before the week's over.
... but wouldn't that be a waste?'Cause it would be kind of ironic to die the week after I start dating Bella. YEAHBELLAWow. I'm dating Isabella Swan. I think I just had like, an epiphany or something. This is like, the wierdest thing I've ever experienced. Which, that's really saying something, considering I've accidentally seen Sirius naked. ( Ugh.)
I don't even really know how it happened.
But then I kinda do.
It's just....woah.
I'm dating Bella Swan.
By the way that's really fun to say out loud.
..but
On one hand, I feel like I'm a total rebound,
Like she's only dating me because she finally figured out what a clusterfuck Black is.
Like she's only dating me because she knows I want her.
Because she knows I'd do anything for her.
Because it's 'easy'. (but hey, who's bitter?)
Because she knows I'm not an idiot like Regulus, and I'm at least halfway stable.
On the other hand...
I know she wants me too.
I can't help but think that after all this time we've been friends,
there's more to this relationship than physical attraction and convenience.
I can't help but hope that something has actually gone right in my life.
Well... not entirely right. I mean, I can't hide the fact that I'm a werewolf forever, and with her being so bloody nosy she's bound to notice something. And now that I'm dating her I can't just tell her to sod off anymore. I just have to take her word on it, she promised me she wouldn't bug me about it anymore, and she wouldn't go snooping around. Dammit, now I feel all bad. This werewolf thing is like, #1 on any list of buzzkillers.
I just can't even describe what it was like to kiss her again.
And to have her respond. 'Cause you know, last time she just kind of slumped against the wall. And when she hugged me, all tight and everything? That was amazing. It was kind of like a mixture of 'I want you, I missed you, please protect me you big strong man' type of thing.
Okay, I might be exaggerating, but whatever.
And I mean, I wasn't going to ask her out. I couldn't. I know I shouldn't be dating her. I know that James is probably going to have a fit, and I know that getting Bella involved in all this is probably the worst thing I could ever do to her.
But she just has these things she does.
Drawing things on my neck,
and kissing me
and...
I couldn't stop myself.
And then she was all crying, and I always kind of stop thinking when she cries. God I'm such a guy. I dunno, I just hate seeing her cry, like she's broken and it's my job to fix her. I think she knows I'd do just about anything for her when she cries. Dammit, we just started dating and she already knows how to get me to do things for her. Hell, she got me to date her didn't she?
Bella: 1
Remus: 0 
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 13, 2008 18:25:25 GMT -5
 
and I've realized that I do something a lot.
For about as long as we've been friends, I've been telling Bella that I love her, 'cause I do. I always loved her as a friend, but I never really tell any of my other friends that. I don't know why she stood out like that. But anyways, ever since that night in the Hospital Wing, I can't help but wonder..
have I just always had feelings for Bella?
I didn't think I did for a while, I mean, I was still adament about not dating anyone because of what I am, and I didn't even know her that well. Plus she was already with someone, and I didn't want to get involved with that, so we were just friends. Now that I look back on it, I don't think we were ever really just friends. For some reason that's weird to me. The more I think about it, the more it seems like were were just...destined to be or something like that. Even though we've only been dating for a few days, it seems like it's been months. Like, we already know each other so well that we already know that we're going to be together forever. I hope that doesn't make me obsessive or anything.
I don't know. I just can't figure it out.
It seems like our relationship is so much more than any other relationship that has only lasted a few days (not that I'd know), but is that normal? Maybe it's just me being overly optimistic, especially since I'm actually dating her in the first place. Maybe it just caused my mind to think that it's more than it is. Maybe finally being able to understand the notion that I'm not completely alone is kinda screwing up my head.
Well, either way, I got her something: 
I know it might be a little forward, after only a few days of dating, but I can't help it. I never realized what a difference it would make to just...be with someone.
She makes me happy.
I've never really been happy before.
I guess this is just my way of thanking her, telling her how much she means to me. Bella's more than a girlfriend.
I love her.
More than I thought. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 13, 2008 18:31:26 GMT -5
 
A lot.
It was kind of awkward, she like, jumped on top of me, but it was awesome anyways. At least she wasn't just staring at it or anything like that, and she realized what it meant. That was my favorite part, because I hate talking about stuff like that and then I would have had to explain it to her, and that would've just been weird.
Of course my stupid owl got all in a huff the moment I started paying attention to Bella.
God, Destria can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.
It's a good thing she's cute.
Although, I can't really complain, she did what I asked her to, even if it was way earlier than I expected. I guess owls don't really get the concept of waiting, and I should've known better than to think that Destria would have been patient enought to wait for me to call. Oh well, it went about as well as it was going to anyways.
Would've been a lot better had it not felt like I could practically taste Regulus on Bella's lips.
Nasty.
I knew she was thinking about him.
It's always really obvious when she does. Her eyes do this...twitchy thing, and she gets all quiet, and when she kisses me? It feels like she's in another world. God forbid I should ever not want to kiss Bella, but I always feel so inadequate when she does that. And then it got worse.
Oh.
SO much worse.
She did that drawing thing again, I think she just does it out of habit or something, but it drives me nuts.
Not that it's a bad thing, I just can't...
I'm not ready for that yet.
God, when did I become a woman?
Whatever, she's just going to have to deal with the fact that there's certain things she can't do yet, not for a little while. I've just started getting used to this whole dating thing, and it's not like I'm in this to jump her bones or anything.
I think we're in a happy medium though.
We're not there yet,
but we will be.
Just gotta give it time. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 13, 2008 18:32:31 GMT -5
...I found this on the floor today...
 um...
what the fuck?! [/i][/color]
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 13, 2008 19:24:00 GMT -5
 
Not only would that last entry have given me a case of the wiggins (because that would mean people were catching on to me), but the amount of time I spend thinking about Regulus Black is bordering on unhealthy, and I might start to think that there was more than hate to all that thought. Long story short:
I wish I could give him a disease that kills you slowly and painfully over at least 4 years, so that he would slowly degenerate into absolutely nothing, and realize that's what he's always been.
...I feel better
Seriously though, I don't understand how he could think about treating Bella like that. Of course, I'm a bit baiased, but I don't understand how you could treat any girl like that. He's such a dick.Then again, most people who run with the crowd that he does usually are.
Oh wait. I forgot.
He doesn't have any friends.
My bad.
I haven't seen Bella in a while. I think it's even been a few days since I've seen her in the hallway. I wonder if she's avoiding me, but I can't think of anything that I could have done to make her angry. The other night went so well, even though the ending wasn't exactly fairytale-worthy. She made it seem like that didn't matter though. It's insane how much I miss her after only a few days, but I do. It's like I'm missing an arm or something. Or like, when you go through the entire Winter, and then there's a few days of Spring, but then it goes back to being all dreary and snowy and cold. After the few days of sun and warmth, the cold and the snow seem a lot worse than they were before.
I think I'll send her a note or something. Destria shouldn't be too difficult, I haven't asked her to do anything lately. I just need to see her.
I miss her.  |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 13, 2008 19:26:14 GMT -5
Fuck.
Just...
fuck.
I was so excited. I just wanted to see her.
Everything was going so well.
What the hell happened?
I knew there was something wrong the second I touched her. She flinched, like she was scared of me. Like she knew.
But she can't know.
The only person idiotic enough to tell anyone, even Bella, what I am is Sirius, and I don't think even he's that stupid.
but...
I don't know.
Why would she be acting like this if she didn't know?
One second she was just talking to me, the next she just flipped out. I don't understand. God what am I gonna do if she knows? But how could she know?[/i] Goddammit. She promised me. She promised me. What am I gonna do? [/color] |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 15, 2008 0:16:05 GMT -5
 
That doesn't mean that she's been investigating.
That doesn't mean that she knows.
She's probably just been thinking about it a lot, and I can't really blame her for it. I'd be bothered by any huge secret that she was keeping from me too. The only thing that just seems off about it was the way she was acting toward me. When I hugged her, she could've just jumped because I scared her, I get that. But then, she was lying to me. To me. Why didn't she just tell me that there was something bothering her that she didn't want to talk about? I'd already know it was about me anyways, but at least then she wouldn't be lying to me. And of course it's about me, if she's not telling me what it is it's about me, because if it wasn't she woudln't waste two seconds waiting to tell me. She tells me everything like that, because I always try to make her feel better. Apparently I can't do that this time, because I'm the problem.
Makes sense.
I've never been anything but a problem.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I mean, we've only been dating for a little while, and there's already all these problems. I told her from the beginning:
There was going to be secrets
I wasn't always going to be around
That she couldn't go poking around my business
It was just better if she didn't know
Why can't she just trust me?
Or is she really that selfish?
I love her more than anything I've ever experienced in my life...but maybe this really just isn't meant to be. I guess this depends on Bella now.
I wonder what she'll choose. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Nov 15, 2008 17:44:51 GMT -5
 
Well, if she does know, that means that one of the guys either told her, or someone else that told her. Either way, one of them is pretty screwed. If it's just between whoever and Bella, well, that would suck but it wouldn't be the worst-case scenario. If they've told other people, chances are pretty much everyone will know before the week is out. They'll end up telling their parents, and I'll have to leave. Of course, none of them would wait to see if it was actually true, because people believe rumors faster than the truth anyways. THis would probably be the first rumor that actually was true that went around the school. Oh, and the fact that Marlene McKinnon has slept with half of it. Even if Bella did find out from someone else, why would she believe them so quickly? Why didn't she even ask me about it? She'd just believe anyone who told her on blind faith, along with the rest of the people in here? If that's the case, then I need to talk to her as soon as possible, because I won't be run out of this school. I'm not going to be treated like some fucking stray. If people in the school know...
...I'll just leave.
If she really is just upset about the fact that I have a secret and she doesn't like that...well I guess I'll just have to explain to her again why I can't tell her. Sooner or later she's going to figure it out anyways, whether she goes digging for answers or not. Well, maybe she won't. Mostly because she promised me that she wouldn't go around looking where she shouldn't, I want to trust her on that so badly. Somehow I can't. Is that bad? To be in a relationship with someone you don't fully trust? Even though you love them more than just about anything in this world, but how can you love someone so much without being able to trust them? Anyways, if she's just being difficult, I'll try again to make her see how important it is for her to be in the dark right now. I don't want her poking around anything, I don't want her getting hurt. I want to be normal for a change. A normal boy, with a normal girlfriend, even if I'm just lying to myself. Sometimes it's nice to lie to yourself, if only for a little while. I don't know, I guess I'm just being selfish, but is it really that selfish to just want to think of yourself as a human? She makes me feel that way, when she's not bugging me about my secret. If this keeps going on though, if she keeps trying so adamently to find out...I don't know how this can work. If she doesn't just leave it be, I'm breaking up with Bella. I'd rather have her eyes filled with hate when she looks at me, than with fear. I couldn't stand it if she was just...scared of me.
But then I thought about how much that would hurt her. Can I really break her heart that much just because I want to be seen as normal?
Maybe.
Would I break up with her if she proves to me that I can't trust her?
...yes. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Dec 24, 2008 9:23:59 GMT -5
God, what am I going to do if she knows? I mean, it's only been two fucking weeks, she can't have found out already. We've been friends for a long time, granted, but that doesn't make any difference anymore. There is no way on earth she could have found out that much already. The only way she could know is if someone told her. Jesus it hasn't even been a month, and already she's got me thinking she's gone back on her promise. Why else would she act like that? And I can sit here and kid myself all I want telling myself that she was only scared because I came up behind her like that, but it was in her eyes. The way she moved, the way she kissed me...it was there.
Fear.
This was what I was afraid of. I just didn't think it would be this soon. I knew I'd have to tell her eventually, but I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead. Merlin I'm such a horrible person, I should never have done this in the first place. She belongs with someone she can actually be with. She belongs far, far away from me. What was I expecting to do, tell her after we'd dated a month? Two months? A year? I don't know when exactly the cutoff point was, when I had to tell her what I really am. Was I just going to wait until it was too late? Until there was no other way but to stay with each other because we couldn't bear being apart? Oh, but that's already happened, hasn't it. My fault again. My fault for kissing her. My fault for interfering with Regulus (though I still think that was completely justified). My fault for asking her out not a half hour after she'd broken up with him, and I was still completely sore. My fault for kissing her again, for laying with her as she slept. My fault for letting this happen. For even thinking it. I have no business dating a human. Much less someone as amazing as Bella. She deserves so much more. Even if she does go behind my back and snoop around wherever she shouldn't. Where she promised me she wouldn't. But I guess that's my fault too, that she even had to snoop around in the first place. Dammit, is there anything in this goddam world that isn't my fault?
Maybe. Maybe not.
All I know is that I've never wanted something so much in my life. I've never wanted to be with someone this badly. Hell I didn't even know what wanting to be with someone meant before all this. The only thing I knew was pain, loneliness...everything that just seems to melt away the moment I see her face. Hear her laugh. Feel her touch. But what's the point of being with someone if you can't trust them? If you know that even if you could, you had absolutely nothing to offer them? There's no real life ahead of me, I've accepted that. How could I have put Bella in such a position without her even knowing about it? What kind of person am I? Even if all this turns out that Bella went behind my back and has figured it out already and knows I'm a fucking werewolf...
I can't decide if I'd be more angry with her, or myself.
She shouldn't have to be sneaking around for answers. Relationships are about trust right? If she can't trust me to tell her things about my life, then what motivation does she have to keep her promise? After all, I still wouldn't know if she would be digging for answers out of curiosity, or because she genuinely cares about me. Want's to know what's going on. Because she loves me.
If I didn't deserve Hell before, I certainly do now.
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Post by Remus Lupin on Dec 24, 2008 10:07:51 GMT -5
Not just the, 'Oh my God, he's seriously in trouble again' kind of killing him.
Like, 'Beat him to a bloody pulp until he's no longer recognizeable' kind of killing him.
What am I gonna do?
What a fucking idiot! What kind of fucking dumbass just says something like that?! What the fuck kind of friend does he think he is when he fucking told her that I'm a fucking werewolf! What, did he think that I'd already told her? Oh, since it took them two fucking years to figure it out and I still didn't tell them until they pretty much made me? But oh yeah, I'll tell Bella after two fucking weeks of dating her. And why the fuck wouldn't he check with me about something like that?! I don't care what she fucking said to him, you don't say that shit without asking first! After everything that I've done for him, all the times I've saved his ass and this is what I get for it?!
Oh God.
She knows.
Bella knows.
Wait. If she knows now...if she knew the day she had detention with James, then she knew what I was the day we met in the Astronomy Tower. She already knew.
She lied to me.
Straight faced and everything.
Fuck it. I'm going to bed. |
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