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Post by Remus Lupin on Dec 25, 2008 8:32:11 GMT -5
I was kidding myself to think I was going to be able to sleep tonight. God, this is absolute bullshit. How could things end up like this? How could my girlfriend go behind my back like that? How could my best friend just...tell her something like that?
How do I ever trust either of them again?
Jesus James, did you really have to? Did you really think I would have told her? After all that we've done together, all you've done for me, all I've done for you, think you could know me a little better? Couldn't you have at least waited until you were sure? Talked to me, sent me a note, something? I can't even believe this. I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to look him in the face again, it was hard enough when we were in the Common Room. God I can barely sit here knowing he's in the bed right next to mine. I can see him from here, sleeping away. I had to pretend I was already asleep when he came in, so he wouldn't say anything. Bloody Hell, did he really think I was going to be able to sleep tonight? Obviously he's having no trouble. Then again, why would he? He's only shattered my very existence.
And God, Bella. What the hell am I going to say to her? Hey, thanks for being a bitch, hope you have fun with that secret you were supposed to let me keep? Happy now? Now that you know I'm a fucking werewolf? Hope so, 'cause you're going to know it for the rest of your life, and now you're stuck with it. And you're going to hate it, just like I do, but you can't get it out of your head, just like me. You're going to have to live with it, and you're going to look at me every day and know what I am and it's all your own fucking fault. She promised me. She promised me. Doesn't that mean anything to her? That night in the Hospital Wing I told her there would be secrets. I told her that if this wasn't real, if she wasn't willing to put work into this, then it couldn't happen. Maybe I was right in the first place. No, I know I was right in the first place. I never should have dated her. I never should have let this happen. I never should have given in to the things I wanted. And now look where I am. A best friend, who I'm not quite sure really is my friend anymore, who goes and tells my girlfriend the biggest secret anyone's likely to have. A girlfriend who makes promises about keeping her nose where it should be, then goes around manipulating my friends into giving her information. This is so fucked up.
I guess sooner or later I'm going to have to face the facts that she's never going to look at me the same way again. She'll either be afraid of me, or she'll pity me, and neither choice sounds particularly appealing. She's going to look at me the way the others did. That look. The one where you're not quite sure which one to pick. Not quite sure whether you want to run or give me a hug or something. The way my parents looked at me when they first found out. Oh but wait, she already gave me that look when she lied to my face in the Owlery. It all makes sense now. The way she acted, the freakout about my 'secret', how she got so angry about absolutely nothing. She didn't want to talk about it because it was about me, which I had guessed as much a long time ago, but still. How can I trust her again? How can I be with someone who so obviously doesn't trust me? I mean, of all the werewolves in the world, people would have to admit that I'm up there on the grand scale of things. There are plenty of my kind them who just go around killing people or turning them, because they think it's fun. At least I try to keep it a secret, at least I try to have a normal life. Guess that's pretty much blown out of the water. Wow, sucks to know I can trust Peter and Sirius more than James and Bella. Jesus. What am I gonna do? Much as I never thought I'd even think these words:
I can't be friends with James anymore.
I'm breaking up with Bella.
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Post by Remus Lupin on Dec 25, 2008 23:46:14 GMT -5
 
I just...I don't know how to talk to him anymore? I don't even know if that's the right way to say it. I see him and I just don't really want to talk to him. I guess I just haven't fully forgiven him yet, even though I know that I will eventually. We've been over stuff like this before, it's almost physically impossible for me to keep a grudge against James. Well, against almost anyone. Although, I think I'll always have a personal irritation with Regulus Black, even if I'm not particularly fond of Sirius. Their family still kicked him out for no reason other than screwing up 'The Name of Black', which is the biggest load of bullshit. Kicking someone out of the house for being a better person than you? Yeah, that totally makes sense. Whatever, this isn't about Sirius. I guess now I know that, in my head I've forgiven James, and now I just have to wait for the rest of me to catch up.
Just wonder how long that will take.
Or if I can do the same for Bella. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Dec 26, 2008 2:47:48 GMT -5
 
Goddammit, she totally did.
She went about it the wrong way, and she lied to me, and manipulated my best friend...but she has reason to be freaked. So I guess this is just up to me now. Honestly I have no idea what to do. Part of me has been screaming at myself this entire time for even dating her, because I knew this was an awful idea from the start. Sooner or later she was going to find out and I hid that from her, putting her in a position that was completely unecessary. I did this. So how to fix it? Can I fix this? Is there any way that I can still be with Bella, even though I can't trust her, and she doesn't trust me, and she shouldn't be with me anyways?
Wow, sounds kind of like I answered my own question on that one.
Alright, there's only one real way to look at this:
Reasons I should stay with Bella: [/u][/blockquote] - It hurts just to be away from her
- I don't want to be just another guy that hurts her
- As conceded as this sounds, I think she needs me
- I want to be with her
- Since she hasn't backed out already, it's obvious she's at least considering staying with me, which is something I would never expect anyone to do...and she might do it anyways
Reasons I should break up with Bella: [/u][/blockquote] - She lied to me, right to my face
- She manipulated James for information
- It's impossible for me to be 'normal' around her anymore, which I guess is selfish, but still valid
- I'm a fucking werewolf (come to think of it, that probably should have been number one...)
- ...She deserves better
So which to go with? Two paths I could choose, neither of them good and both of them selfish. How can you choose from two choices when neither of them turn out benefiting Bella? Well, me leaving her might benefit her later, but right now it'll tear her to pieces. And I have no idea whether she'll go back to dating people like fucking Regulus Black again. I feel like if I leave her she might do that thing again. The thing where she just kind of reaches out to anyone that will take her, because she's so desperate for someone to just love her. To be honest, I think so far I'm the only guy that's ever really loved her back. Drew didn't stay around, and Regulus is just incapable of love. What if she goes and pulls something like that again? I'll be in the same position I was when she was dating Black, except this time I won't have any chance to go in and save her. I don't even know if we'll be friends anymore. How could we? When we love each other this much? How can you be just friends with them anymore? I think I just need to sleep on this for another night. Or rather, sit here in bed and think about it more. Sleep doesn't really factor into my time schedule anymore. Goodnight Bella, love. I hope I choose right. For your sake. [/color] |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 1:25:23 GMT -5
Day one of not talking to James.
Day two of not talking to Bella.
Day three thousand, four hundred and twelve of being fucked.
Still don't know what to do.
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 2:09:56 GMT -5
 
I don't know why I went down there. I guess that's where I always go to think, where I can be warm but still feel like I'm outside. Where I can sit there and watch other people for a little while, wondering if their lives suck as much as my own. Probably. I've given up on the idea that people can actually live long and happy lives anymore. Long maybe. Happy? Not so much. I just wanted to sit there and think for a while, like I always do. Think. I always think before doing something. I've never done anything like that before, when I acted completely on impulse. I had two speeches stuck in my head. One where we were done...and one where I would keep her. She just looked so small, sitting there next to the Greenhouse.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't be the cause of that anymore. I can't believe that I could be the cause of so much heartbreak, of so many tears, and I didn't want to be anymore. It didn't matter how much I loved her, how much she loved me...I couldn't do it anymore. The way she looked at me, it was like she didn't know what to do with herself. I wanted to just walk over and hold her and make her feel better. But I couldn't do it. It was like she was broken, but I was refusing to fix her again. I'm a horrible person. I deserve to go to hell for making someone feel like that.
My stomach hurts.
It hasn't stopped hurting since the other day when I talked to James. Sometimes my chest hurts too. Three guesses why. God, why did she have to be there? I wasn't sure yet, I hadn't completely made up my mind. But with her sitting right there, right in front of me, I had to. I had to make up my own mind so she could get on with her life. She'll be better off with someone else, as much as I hate the idea. I just want to see her smile again. I want her to be with someone that can actually take care of her. It was hard though, convincing her. I had to bring out pretty much everything I had. I talked about how she'd lied to me, how she'd broken my heart first. How I'd trusted her and given her everything and she'd pretty much stomped on it. All true and valid points. Not why I broke up with her. She doesn't need me. She needs to be with someone that can make her happy, and also give her a life to look forward to. I spend more time babysitting the Marauders than anything else right now, and once I leave here? What would I do? I have no future ahead of me whatsoever, especially once people find out what I am. I'll be completely screwed getting a job, no matter how understanding people might be. The best I can think of is maybe getting some help from Dumbledore to find me a job, something I can do. Maybe that's what I can do to make sure I keep my mind of the raging hole in my chest.
Goodbye baby.
I love you.
Day one of missing Bella.
What I miss most today: Her smile. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 2:32:02 GMT -5
She looked like she cried herself to sleep. If she slept at all.
I hate myself.
Day two of missing Bella.
What I miss most about her today: Talking to her.
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 2:54:47 GMT -5
I'm never, ever, ever dating anyone again.
Is it always going to hurt this bad?
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
It's only been four days.
I've never felt so completely suicidal in my entire life.
I miss her.
I miss James.
Still haven't talked to him either. I see him every day. In classes. In the dorm. Still can't talk to him. Don't know how. Sad when the only thing you can really talk to is a fucking journal. I've got limited friends outside of the Marauders and Bella. Also sad. I've got nothing to keep my mind off this. No one to write to. No one to talk to. If I'm lucky I just might be able to keep up this pathetic existence for a while. The longer I stay away from everyone the better. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? Menace to society and all. Might as well get used to it.
Just kind of sucks.
Day four of missing Bella.
Day five of missing James.
I miss it all. [/right]
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 3:39:06 GMT -5
So, burying myself in homework wasn't that great of an idea. I finished this weeks. And I've studied up on everything we're going over tomorrow. So now I'm sitting here with nothing to do and no reason to stay up in my dorm other than the fact that I'm sulking because of something that's my own fault. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. The only time I ever feel any better is when I'm writing in this damn thing, and when I'm out running. Not really my thing before now, but apparently it helps me concentrate on something other than Bella. I'm not sure why. Maybe this is why people work out all the time. At least why they run. Somehow when I'm doing pushups it's not really the same. When you're running it's almost like you get to run away from your problems in your mind. Everything that you've been hating, everything that's bugging you, all of it is just kind of behind you, and you can run away from it for a while. Flawed logic, since you either collapse or have to go back in at some point, but whatever. Funny how the only other thing that could probably get my mind off all this is to make some new friends. Too bad I can't do that. That's what got me in this mess in the first place. There's always Jada, but she's always hanging out with other people, and honestly...the female gender really isn't my thing right now. I'd hang out with Ethan, but that's kind of Bella's territory. I know that me and Cartier are kind of friends, but he's way better friends with Bella...and at this point probably not very happy with me. Whatever.
Bella Evangeline....self explanatory. I don't think I could even say her name without feeling sick.
Annette...girl.
Domino...girl.
Why are all my friends girls?
Pierre's too socially awkward, I don't know any of the other Seventh year guys well enough to hang out with them. I'm not really friends with any of the sixth years. Maybe I should go talk to Noah. He's always got something going on. Wow, you know I'm desperate when I'm starting to think about going to parties. But then again, Noah's good friends with Bella too. Damn. Well, there's Amos. That might be interesting, but he's quiet like me. I need someone who talks a lot. If we're both quiet that gives me too much time to think. I don't really feel like thinking anymore. Maybe I should just read a book or something. They've got cooler people and places in them than what I've got right now. Maybe if I just write it all out it'll make me feel better.
Here goes.
I miss her. I miss her a lot. More than anything. I feel like such a loser, because only losers say things like that. I've never met anyone who actually talks about someone else like that. I've never fallen for someone like her before. I've never fallen for anyone period. Everything reminds me of her. Chocolate. Books. Rain. The sky. Fuck, pieces of parchment remind me of Bella. The way we used to pass notes and stuff. I miss the smell of her hair, the way she used to smile. When she actually looked happy. They way her nose would always wrinkle up when she laughed. I haven't heard her laugh in a long time. I miss holding her. I miss talking to her. I miss how excited she'd get to see me, and the way she'd kiss me when she finally got to me. I miss seeing her in the corridor and actually getting that little twinge in my stomach instead of just this weird achey feeling. I miss having someone close to me. Someone that I knew loved me, even if she did break up with someone else to be with me. Even if I was just a rebound.
I hate feeling this way. I hate not being able to be with her. I hate not seeing her smile anymore. I hate that she's sad all the time. I hate not talking to James. Hell, I hate not talking to Sirius and Peter. I hate feeling so completely alone. I hate that I don't know how to fix it. Actually I hate that I know how to fix things, but I don't have the balls to do it. I hate that no matter what, I'm always going to love her more than I should. I hate that she loves me back. I hate how much I need her to be happy, and how much I want her to be mine.
I hate how completely lost I feel without her.
That's pretty much it, and only the tip of the iceberg at the same time.
This isn't making me feel better.
Day seven of missing Bella.
What I miss about her most today: Her laugh.
Day eight of avoiding James.
Day three thousand, for hundred and nineteen of being fucked.
Screw this.
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 11:54:37 GMT -5
  Possible Job options:
Auror (Doubt they'd hire a werewolf)
Work at Hogwarts (what the hell would I do?)
Open my own shop (No idea what I would sell, no funds)
Work at the Ministry (Again. Werewolf. Doubt it)
I guess I could just professionally baby-sit James. Is that technically a job?
Day ten of missing Bella.
Day eleven of missing James.
I think I saw her smile today.
I think I'll just go shoot myself now. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 12:33:50 GMT -5
I'm glad I didn't go. I just found the letter again, somewhere under my bed. Not to mention I completely forgot about it. I must not have been paying attention when I got mail that day, though I don't think I pay much attention to anything other than schoolwork now. I don't think my parents showed up anyways. My dad's too busy hating himself for what happened to me, and my mom's too busy trying to make it seem like nothing's wrong. Yay family. They didn't write me anything, and they haven't sent me anything that would make it seem like they showed up and waited for me. Stupid holiday. It's a joke anyway, a bunch of people running around in costumes and pretending they actually like hanging out with their families. No one really likes their family. Deep down everyone has something against every single member, and have at some point or another imagined using the Killing Curse on them.
Wow. I think I've offically become depressed.
I don't really leave the dorm now, what's the point? I leave for classes and then other than that there's nothing for me to do except Prefect duties. Those are fun. Long nights of silence that you get to fill up with your own thoughts. Awesome. At least it's something to get me out of here once in a while though. It gets really boring. Writing it all down is the only thing that makes me feel better, but I don't really have a lot to write down anymore. What's the point of sitting here and re-writing down everything I've already written? I miss her. I think I've written it ten times already. That's all there is to it. I'm going to miss her. And I'm never getting her back. Might as well just deal with it.
I feel...empty.
Am I going to feel like this forever?
Happy late Halloween to me.
Day thirteen of missing Bella.
Day fourteen of missing James.
Two full weeks without my best friends.
Almost two full weeks without my other half.
Suicide is looking better and better.
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 23, 2009 13:35:15 GMT -5
 
I think I must have done something as a kid to piss off God.
I think I'm going to be paying for it for a while.
Just wish I knew what I did.
Me being this unhappy has to be some kind of intervention. I don't understand though, what did I do wrong? Maybe this is just payback for me trying to be happy. I'm not allowed to be happy anymore. That's what this kind of thing does to you. It sucks up any chance you have of a real life with real people and a real future. Gone. Just like that. People like me aren't supposed to have friends that aren't like me. People like me aren't supposed to be happy, aren't supposed to have normal girlfriends. People like me are stuck being with people like me. We don't fit anywhere else. I don't deserve to have friends. That's just the way it is.
I wonder what kind of trouble they've gotten into. It actually sounds fun to clean up one of their messes after they've pranked someone or something. For once in my life I want to help Sirius and James out of detentions. Better than sitting up here by myself. I've got a night in the Shack coming up. I don't know if I can do this alone anymore. I need them. I need James. I hate being alone. I hate having no one to talk to. I hate all of it. Can't talk to James, can't talk to Bella, can't talk to anyone else because I'm too damn scared that something will happen to them too, or they'll start reminding me of either James or Bella somehow. That's how it always goes. I start talking to someone. Pretty much whatever comes out of thier mouth reminds me in some way of James or Bella. Funny how being friends with people that long can do stuff like that to you.
I think I just need to go to the Shack for a while. Get my bearings. It's going to be intersting to see what happens in a few nights, I'm not sure if they'll show up or not. Part of me wants to believe that they'd always come, no matter what stupid crap is going on. The other part...thinks James might be either too scared or too stubborn to come. Guess we'll find out, but I'm not really sure I want to. At least if I get to the Shack tomorrow I can make sure to board up everything as best I can, make sure that things are as tight as possible. Might evein cast a few more spells around it to keep myself from getting out. Wouldn't want that. No reason to make all of this worse.
I don't know if I can do this by myself.
Day sixteen of missing Bella.
Day seventeen of missing James.
I'm scared shitless. |
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Post by Remus Lupin on Jan 27, 2009 4:27:00 GMT -5
 
There's a lot more to it...but I'm not quite sure if writing it down will help or make it even weirder. 'Cause it was. Weird I mean. Really weird. But, I don't really know if there's an way to just ignore that. In a way, I guess it made me feel a lot safer with James, like I know no matter what he's not going to screw me over or leave or do anything stupid enough to really disappoint me. That's pretty much what I got from it, other than some serious awkward tension. And I think he gets that I'm over it, the whole Bella thing. I know he didn't mean to, I have known, I just couldn't figure out how to tell him. Guess it was best that we just kind of ran into each other where no one else could distract us, where we were kind of forced to talk to each other. Well, talk being a relative term in this case. Weird. Alright, I have to just write it down, or it's not going to seem real, even if that's something I want to believe sometimes.
I kissed James Potter.
That looks so weird written out like that. And okay, I didn't kiss him, he kind of kissed me, and then I kissed him back. UGH this is so weird to talk write about, but I'm not going to be able to talk write about it with anyone else ever again, so I might as well get it all out now. I'm still not really sure why he did it, I mean it's just one of those things you don't do with your guy friends, but for some reason it didn't feel bad or anything. I dunno, it felt like kissing a girl, but different. Bella's softer. Once he did it I just kind of put it out of my mind who I was kissing and went with it. Don't know why that happened either, just did. What's even stranger, I don't feel weird around him. Any two straight guys who've kissed each other would most likely stay away from the other for a while...but I feel like me and James are better friends for it in that really weird way.
GOD WHAT AM I SAYING?! I KISSED A GUY.
UGH, but not just a guy. James. I don't know how that makes things any different, but it does. As long as I keep that in my head mind, it won't be as awful as it sounds out loud. Plus, it kind of gets worse. I mean, I didn't even know what to do with myself, he just tore my shirt off and everything. God, I'm starting to make it sound like we had sex or something. Honestly, if it had been Bella a girl it probably would have been cute, like trying to give me good memories of my scars. With James, that part was 100% awkward, even if I just sat there and let him. It was obviously something he just kind of, had to do, but it was ridiculously awkward all the same. The only reason I let him do it was because of that whole 'it's James' thing again. I kind of felt like I owed it to him, like it was his way of asking for forgiveness or something and this was my way of giving it to him forgiving him. Wow, I can see how easily James makes things into sexual jokes now.
Anyways, as completely weird as that was, and I would never ever do that with another guy, it probably could have been worse, and at least I have my best friend back. It was just something that happened, I don't think either of us are going to mention it again, even though it kind of cemented our trust in each other. This all sounds really girly, but I guess I can't claim to be the manliest guy out there. At least in the way of showing off and shagging girls left and right goes. Whatever, I can't say I regret it, even though I reiterate the fact that I will never do it again. It was just one of those necessary, really awkward, really weird things that just happen sometimes. It just happened.
If Sirius ever finds out about this, we're fucked.
Day seventeen without Bella.
I miss her more than ever. |
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