;;Suppose

[khai]

♠ Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends"

tagged ^--v

R A B A S T A N . L E S T R A N G E

There was that hole in her chest again. You know, that place where her heart should be?

What had she been thinking? Why the fuck would she ever say that it was okay for Ludo to go and dance with Marlene McKinnon? What good could possibly come of that? The way that Marlene had spoke, even if she was so obviously angry...it was obvious that there was still something there. Khai wasn't stupid. Even when she and Ludo were having sex behind her back...Khai always knew. She would have been stupid not to have known. There was a reason that Ludo didn't go straight to her after he and Marlene broke up. The thought made her stomach twist in extremely uncomfortable ways, thinking about both of them just staring into each other's eyes -- it made her chest start throbbing again, the fear that constantly clawed at it was starting to come back in full force. Ludo would never love her the way he'd loved Marlene. It didn't matter how many times she'd tried to convince herself of it, it had always been obvious. She was the fuckbuddy. It didn't matter what 'feelings' he had for her...she was always going to be second best. Khai usually hated crowds, but she welcomed the people that came between her and Ludo's back as she watched him walk off with Marlene. It cut him off from seeing what she was really feeling, the thoughts and emotions that surged into her eyes the moment she'd realized what she'd just said...what could be happening right now. He was probably looking at her, remembering everything that they'd been together, everything that they could have been. Khai probably wasn't even gracing his thoughts. She was a spectator to her own love life, and as long as Ludo was still in love with Marlene, she always would be. Swallowing hard, Khai couldn't even stand there and pretend like she was just okay with all this anymore. She was glad she couldn't see Ludo anymore, she didn't want to see what his eyes might be telling her right then. She couldn't stay there. Not if it meant possibly seeing something that would just break her heart to pieces all over again. She had no one but herself to pick them up this time.

Pushing through the crowd of people, Khai wove through them, trying not to acknowledge the fact that the other bodies pressing up against her was more comforting than it should have been. Why did she need that so much? God, what was wrong with her? Why was there that need to have someone else close to her? Whatever it was, it made her feel pathetic even as it made her stomach stop turning flips inside her. Finding her way to the door as fast as possible, Khai didn't care that Ludo would probably be looking for her in just a few minutes, or that he might freak out wondering if Rabastan had done something stupid. Khai's eyes closed hard for a moment, realizing that Ludo had wanted to go badly enough that he left Khai there by herself, knowing that Rab was now ready and willing to at least try and talk to her. Even that motivation of protecting her from him wasn't enough to keep Ludo away from Marlene. That in and of itself? It was obvious. Khai was never going to be Marlene. She was never going to live up to that name, those feelings, everything that Ludo wanted was in the girl now in his arms, and Khai was going to be the one left alone on the one night she should have him to herself. The one night that she should feel special and loved by the person she was with...and Ludo was with Marlene. And the even more pathetic thing? Khai was probably still going to stay with him. She knew herself well enough to know that she'd go through almost anything to be with Ludo, because even if he didn't love her most, maybe he could love her enough. Maybe Khai would never quite be the Marlene that Ludo wanted, but she might be able to make him happy. She could try. He'd told her himself that he'd always had feelings for her, that he always wanted them to be more than what they were. Didn't that mean something? Did that mean that she might be able to make him smile almost as much? That maybe someday, even if she couldn't quite be that one girl...she could be close. She could do that. She had to. Khai didn't have anyone else.

Finally breaking free of the crowd, Khai ignored the feeling of loneliness that crept into her stomach the moment that she was fully surrounded by nothing but air. There was nothing to keep her up, no one to catch her from falling...she had only herself. It was all she'd ever have. It was really pathetic, the way that she'd begun to need people so badly. The way that she so desperately clung to someone that she didn't need to survive. She could do this on her own, she didn't need anyone else. The lectures from her mother resonated in her mind, the looks from her father, from the people she grew up with. Weakness was a choice, it wasn't necessary. It didn't belong in her vocabulary or her life. Khai repeated the phrases over and over in her head as she made her way along the hallways, somehow unable to let them sink in when there were tears falling silently down her cheeks. She was weak. Just so...tired. Broken. It's so easy to talk about always being strong, about growing up knowing that crying wasn't an option, giving in was pathetic, and depending on anyone but yourself was inexcuseable. Khai's heels echoed around the hallways, making her feel more alone than ever. Ludo had left her. Rabastan had let her leave. Alex was the reason she was so fucked up and always would be. All her friends? Gone. Khai had no one left but herself, and the idea that staying with Ludo might someday produce happiness in her long-broken heart. She would stay with him. She had nowhere else to go. Ludo was her last chance, she had to stay with him. If Ludo gave up on her too...then what reason did she have to believe in herself? Unable to stand the idea of someone walking by and witnessing her mini-breakdown, Khai threw a classroom door open, glad to have found herself in the the Divination classroom, since it was always filled with pillows and stupid things like that to sit on. Raising her hands to wipe the tears from her cheeks as she closed the door behind her and made her way over the large window that overlooked the lake, Khai kicked her shoes off before sitting with her back against the wall, crossing her legs in front of her and letting out a long breath along with more tears that refused to stop falling. There, in the silence...maybe she might be able to find herslef again.

[/blockquote]

[rabastan]

[ [ Suppose that I missed you. Suppose that I cared. ] ]

She was talking…but he wasn’t listening.

“Wynter, h…just hang on for a second,” Rabastan said distractedly, not even looking at her anymore. He stared across the Great Hall, ignoring the giant lump clawing at the back of his throat, and watched the scene unfold with perfect horror. It had been weeks since he had seen her and now seeing her like this… Did no one realize? His eyes darted back to Marlene, still walking towards Bagman with a purpose. Her hips only swayed that way when she was after something, working every aspect she had to her advantage. It was common knowledge she and Bagman had something…Rabastan didn’t care for specifics. He was more concerned why she was going up to him now, causing her expression… He gritted his teeth, forcing the name into his head: causing Khai’s expression to twist nervously. How did Bagman not see it? It was so obvious, even from here. It saddened him even, knowing he could still pick up on the little things after hardly sharing the same room with her for days on end. It was torture, watching and observing without being able to do a single thing. He had come to appease Wynter, but also to finally approach Khai… Could he do that safely, without coming on too strongly, without scaring her away, without making her uncomfortable…while she looked so fragile? Sure, she put on a brave face… Bagman even bought into it as Marlene closed in for the kill. No. No he didn’t even care. Bagman wasn’t seeing what was clearly written all over Khai’s face because he didn’t want to. He wanted to think it was alright to appraise Marlene right in front of Khai. His date. His – another forced word – girlfriend. Was he mental? Stupid question. Bagman should have already been convicted and sent to Saint Mungos. Bagman shouldn’t even exist. Bagman should just go rot in H–

“What?” he asked absentmindedly, glancing at Wynter. Rabastan looked down at his hands, grimacing when he realized she was right: fists. “Look, I’ve got to go do something. I’ll save you that dance, okay? Just as soon as I get back, I’m all yours…” Sad he had to remind himself to lean in and swiftly kiss her cheek before darting out of sight and into the crowd. He would stay true to his promise: he was hers…physically. Wynter could have whatever part of him she wanted once he got back. Sixty seconds, remember? It was all he was going to be able to handle. Why was it so hard? Because emotionally… Rabastan had never truly gotten over Khai. He never was going to. Just another lie he couldn’t keep. He didn’t know how to lie to himself. He could live in denial all he wanted, but at the end of the day, when all he had was himself…? Rabastan couldn’t afford to be so uncharacteristically emotional in such a public place. He kicked aside the nagging agonies and carefully navigated closer. If Bagman was really going to be stupid enough to just drop Khai like that for Marlene then he was even more of an a–

He slowed, watching wide-eyed as Bagman willingly off-ed Khai in favor of the Gryffindor. Khai was always several lengths away before he could even change his mind. Not that Bagman was going to. He looked at Marlene the way…

Well. Quite frankly he looked at Marlene the way Rabastan still looked at Khai.

His heart sunk, glancing over his shoulder at the girl he’d only just left. She looked preoccupied with scouting… Guess he couldn’t be too terribly mad if Wynter wanted to dance with another while Rabastan went off elsewhere. And anyways, at this rate…his sixty second goal didn’t look like it was happening. He felt a little strange, following without her knowing. Wasn’t that what…stalkers did? Since when had he sunk so low? And for that matter, why did he feel like his presence had to be unknown for him to get away with this? Khai wouldn’t really run away from him if she knew, would she…?

Another painful jab into his stomach. Because yes, Khai had every right to want to keep him away from her. And right now? The only way she had of keeping him away was to run. Because he was going to follow her. Every, single, last, blasted step of the way. If Bagman was stepping out of the way, then he was moving in. He was going to take up his one night, before painful separate could envelope them again tomorrow. Unless maybe, possibly, she still wanted him… Rabastan almost gagged on the Valentine’s air, reaching up to tug at his tie instinctively. This was absurd. Rabastan Lestrange does not get nervous. He does not do things like this…! Yet, here he was, slipping out of the noisy Great Hall and taking carefully hushed steps down the hallway. Khai didn’t even glance back. She knew Bagman wasn’t coming after her. Rabastan opened his mouth once or twice, ready to call out to her but he waited. Her footsteps were beginning to drag. Tired. He wished, so much, he could run the last few lengths and sweep her up, lift her, hold her, show her the world wasn’t ending… His palms itched to reach out and do so, lips not cooperating and even mouthing her name once in frustration. He should just turn around. But his girl was hurting…it went against everything he had to turn around. He couldn’t do it. Rabastan had already hurt her one too many times. He loathed himself for it, and knew trying to offer to help her now wasn’t going to help a single thing but… It was go, or turn around and know she was alone, suffering. He’d rather have her suffering with him then without anyone… Selfish, but true.

Khai suddenly darted, disappearing into the nearest door.

His chance.

Without thinking he ran to the door, immediately stopping the second his hand grabbed the handle. Fiercely wrapped around the knob, quietly resting his forehead to the wood… A door. That was all that separated him from her. He almost felt like he was going to hurl right on the spot. A single wooden panel, enough to keep him away from her…?

No. But the pain, the confusion, the anger, misunderstandings, unknowns…

Determined he slowly eased the door open, hand shaking.

And there. There she was. Ignoring him completely as if he wasn’t even there, silently coaxing the door shut again. Had she heard him or was she choosing to keep her eyes off him now? Was this a conscious choice, did she not want him here? If it’s what she wanted… But he had nothing yet, except a broken girl just wanting to be alone. But Rabastan couldn’t do that, gulping back his long rehearsed apology. Khai didn’t need that right now. He should not even be here. But he was. And it was too late, already half way across the room. He wanted to keep going, but… If she didn’t want him here, he had to leave. But what else was he supposed to do? She was crying in front of him, didn’t even known he was there… Rabastan forced another step, still unnoticed. Soon, he only had maybe a foot or two left. “I just wanted to make sure you were going to be okay,” he choked out, realizing too late how warped his words could made twisted to sound. Was this some sort of sick joke, really, he asking her if she was going to be alright? He was part of the reason she was so broken. Rabastan couldn’t even count the endless ways she could throw it back in his face. But the words were out.

Strangled, but there.

[khai]

♠ We're the kids who feel like dead ends

Through the dark window, Khai couldn't see much in the way of detail, the rippled glass didn't provide much other than shadows that outlined the edges of the lake and the castle. Everything was dark. Muddled. So much like her life that Khai wanted to put her fist through it because it felt like even inatimate objects were starting to mock her. But she didn't have it in her anymore. The fight was gone. Leaning her head up against the glass, Khai savored the cool that started to spread across her forehead, leeching it's way into the rest of her skin as she closed her eyes for a moment. The tears hadn't stopped falling, but her breathing was easier. The damp cold of the stone and the glass was starting to calm her, even if her heart was still racing and that hole in her chest was still ripping her apart at the seams. Funny how your pulse could race when it felt like your heart was missing in action. Then again, there would be no way in Hell that Khai could feel so much pain and not have a heart. She had one...it just didn't like her very much. Letting out a long breath, Khai ignored the cloud that formed on the glass in front of her mouth for a moment, letting it die -- fade away as the warmth did. Swallowing hard, Khai breathed on the glass again, creating a larger cloud and reaching up with a hand, staring down at the window as he fingers touched the surface. Staring at the little heart that stood so lonely against the large window, Khai's eyes closed as it disappeared with the rest of the cloud. Just like her own heart, it didn't stand a chance against the harsh and overpowering frigidity of the rest of the world. Lonely and forgotten...it faded into nothing but a memory buried somewhere deep inside the glass panel. If only she could hide her heart so easily.

Khai's breaths were starting to come easier now, the ragged pulses of air not so overwhelming, but the tears still falling steadily down her face. Hating to feel so pathetic, even on her own, Khai reached up and hid her face in her hands, trying to rid her cheeks of the offending liquid that kept pouring from her eyes. The warm tears flowed between her fingers, dropping from her knuckles and landing on her dress, which she now felt a little stupid in. All that excitement, all that preparation just so she could see the look on Ludo's face when he saw her. She wished he could have seen her own face now, wondering if he would even care until he was away from his precious Marlene. Was he wondering where she was? Probably not. Had he even noticed she'd gone? Did he care if he did? There was no point in answering questions in her own mind that didn't matter. Ludo wasn't here, he hadn't followed her...that was really all she needed to know. He was in the Great Hall with the girl he really loved, the girl he would always really love. Khai would never measure up. The thought made her stomach tighten and she choked out a sob, hating the way it bounced off the empty walls and back to her ears. Was she ever really going to be good enough? People stared at her in the hallways, wished they looked like her, wished they had her confidence. If only they knew. If only they gave enough of a shit about her to realize she was probably the loneliest person in the school. Wonder if they'd still want to be her. If they'd still want to look like her, so that guys could stare at you all day; want your body and nothing more. So that everyone else could stare at them and think they were whores too. Funny how everyone thought that and half the school had probably slept with more guys than she had. Funny how everyone wanted to be like the girl that had no friends.

Hilarious.

Khai was too lost in her own thoughts, still staring out the window and trying to make any sort of sense in her own life to notice the door opening. To even register the scraping noise against the stone floor as the wood moved against it. She didn't notice the gentle swish that always made it obvious that someone was walking toward you, because she really didn't think that anyone gave enough of a shit about her to follow her here. Taking a few deep breaths, Khai tried to stop the tears from falling, tried to calm herself down, realizing that sitting here crying wasn't going to do anything for her situation. She needed to think. Nothing was clear anymore, so she was going to have to sit here until she figured out what the fuck she was going to do. So far, it wasn't really working out so much. At least the tears had stopped flowing, the room was quiet. Khai's eyes closed for another moment, taking one last deep breath as she reached up and wiped her cheeks, completely unprepared for the voice that echoed through the room. Whipping her head around, Khai's eyes were open wide, her eyebrows high on her forehead as she sucked in a deep breath, doing her best not to throw up all over the floor with the way her stomach had just flipped. She already knew who it was, Khai would never forget that voice. 'No, not here. Not now,' She hated him seeing her broken like this. He was the one person she was supposed to look flawless in front of. He was supposed to see her on Ludo's arm tonight, knowing what he'd lost and what he was always going to miss. He was supposed to see her from across the room and wish that it was his arm she was on, that it was him she'd be leaving with. He was supposed to be jealous.

He wasn't supposed to be here.

Khai couldn't decide on an emotion to go with the moment she finally looked into his eyes again. That feeling that wrenched it's way through her stomach and made all her limbs go numb wasn't exactly reassuring. There was the anger. Oh, there was the anger. The feeling she always got when she thought about that day in the Hospital Wing. All the times he'd pushed her away and that last time...when he'd basically shoved her on the door and let it hit her ass on the way out. Then came a suprising comfort. He was probably the only person in the world that could fix this, but he wouldn't. Ass. And at the same time, thinking about what an ass he was almost made her want to smile. He really was an ass. Whatever feeling Khai would have normally gone to...it didn't exist anymore. The longer she stared at him, the more she realized she didn't have much left to feel. It was silent for a few moments, Khai's eyes going back to normal as she just stared at him. Those eyes that used to be such a source of comfort...she wasn't sure what they did for her anymore. The dark amber eyes with an almost black circle around the outside that always made her feel like she was being sucked in. And that eyeliner that he always wore. She just...Khai didn't know what to do with herself anymore. Swallowing hard, she actually thought about what he'd said a moment ago, somehow tearing her eyes off of his an turning her head back to lean against the window and stare out it. "That'd be nice, wouldn't it?" Khai would give just about anything to know that things were going to get better than this. Than being stuck in a room with an ex-boyfriend she was still completely in love with, and a boyfriend off dancing with the girl he was still completely in love with. Swallowing hard, Khai fidgeted with her fingers in her lap, picking at them and letting out another long breath.

"You look good Rab."

[/blockquote]

[rabastan]

[ [ And suppose that I spent all my nights running scared,
And suppose I was never there. ] ]

Was it supposed to be like this? Was he supposed to feel like he was about to fall over and land straight on his face? Was it acceptable his dinner was slowly but surely scraping from the depths of his stomach and back up his tight throat? Was he supposed to feel faint and wobbly and nervous? Well there was only one way to find out, now wasn’t there? Start facing his problems head on. Get his denying mind out of his rear and start making sense again. It’s what this came down to, wasn’t it? Rabastan had forced her back out of his life because it “made sense.” Made sense he was to leave Hogwarts without his conscience in tact. That’s what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to leave alone, because he couldn’t take anyone into that life with him. She needed to find somebody else to keep her happy. Not because he couldn’t do it, but because he wouldn’t. He would not bring someone into that, much less someone he could hardly live without. Contradictory? It was simple: Rabastan could be selfish and take her with him, heightening her risk at dying sooner then necessary most likely on his account and be forced to live without her or live without her by choice and know she was happily off in another man’s company. If you could call Bagman a man. However, if he was who she wanted… Rabastan had tried to accept that. And honestly?

It just wasn’t going to work.

Time to be selfish again.

That was why it made standing there in the thick, dismal silence so excruciating. He was staring not only into a girl’s eyes he’d been purposefully ignoring for weeks now, but he was also looking into Khai Statton’s eyes, a girl he couldn’t possibly live without and loved beyond all explainable measure with the final and settling resolve he wasn’t going to give her up anymore. But it wasn’t time. While she was still in a relationship with Manless, crying over said jerk leaving her momentarily for another girl, and still angry at Rabastan for pushing her away to begin with. Right now was the worst possible time to dump his entire apology on her. So even though it was all lined up in his head, itching to come tumbling out of his mouth, he couldn’t do that to her. Yet. There would come an opportunity or he would make one. Because one way or another?

Bagman was going down.

The silence drug on and on, but during that time – simply staring, reveling in this idea that he was even allowed to do so anymore – his determination seemed to grow. Khai looked like a wreck, but all he could se was his Khai. His girl. The one that had potential, if only she would find it within herself. She was crying and weak and her stunning dress held wrinkles… But he was finally alone with her. Could he be so bold, try and comfort her in the way he knew he could? Was he allowed? For that matter, were her stares a good or bad thing? Her eyes were empty, giving him no indication to either side she’d be swaying to. It clawed at his heart, slowly kicking it back into gear. For the longest time now he’d been fueled by mere lust, aching for the easiest of touches because it was all he had left. His sense of self seemed to be solidifying again, looking into her tear-stained eyes. Could he reach out, wipe them away? She looked more shocked then anything that he was standing there. He supposed he would be too, given their history… Her voice nearly knocked him over. How long had it been since he’d heard it? His longing grew bigger still, racking at the pit of his empty stomach where his food had left. Surely he wasn’t going to actually throw up right in front of her? Damn, were his eyes stinging now too? He couldn’t tell. He didn’t do it often enough to recognize the signals. Worriedly, he remained frozen. There was no way he could break before she did. And then, when she did… His dying heart dropped another notch, lips parting as she turned away from him. He needed her to look at him. He needed her. But oh how awful would it be, to come in uninvited and steal her back away? Rabastan wasn’t here to steal, much less sneak. If there was going to be any “stealing” Rabastan wasn’t going to do it quietly. He wasn’t going to do it behind Bagman’s back. No, he would do it right in front of him and better, make him watch. Watch what it was like to really make a girl feel special and loved. To give everything…not superficial happiness.

“I don’t feel good,” Rabastan answered automatically, wondering in the aftermath whether or not if that was something he should have admitted. Would it be better or worse for her to know just how incredibly nervous he was? He finally torn his eyes away from her, looking to the wall because it was something other then her to stare at. He had underestimated his self control. If he stayed here any longer he was going to start blurting out other things; other less forgettable things, things he shouldn’t be confessing to her just yet. He needed to turn around and leave. That would be the wise thing to do here. That would be the…easier thing to do?

Taking that last step was easiest.

Rabastan stood by her side, resting his hands on the windowsill – gripping them, actually, because it was the only way he wasn’t going to fall over and keep himself from not reaching out to touch her. “Do you mind if I sit?” he asked, honestly leaving the decision up to her. Rabastan was going to have to force himself to leave if she wanted him to. His steak and potatoes would undoubtedly make an appearance the second the door shut behind him, though. Did he look paler then normal? He felt it, his hands almost glowing in the faint moonlight. Tonight should have been their night. She should have been his Valentine’s. Rabastan would have fallen into every holiday trap out their if it meant making her smile. Even the cheap chocolates. “I bet you’ve been turning heads all night, huh?” he asked weakly, unable to keep his eyes off her. Why did she have to be so close…

…and yet feel so far away?

[khai]

♠ And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses

Rab's answer almost made Khai smile, halfway reveling in the fact that even if she was miserable, Rab wasn't much better off. At least he was admitting it. Khai had no idea if he was talking about himself physically or emotionally, but either way she felt a strange sense of accomplishment. Whatever was going on inside him? She'd caused it. Good. He deserved it. Khai hoped he felt sick every time he looked at her, realizing what he'd thrown away, knowing that he couldn't have it back. Every time he looked at her Khai hoped he realized what he'd done to her, how he'd broken her. How much he'd hurt her. Maybe then he might someday feel the same way, and Khai couldn't be more excited for that day to come. That was the day she could look him in the face and tell him what a bastard he was, and that she hoped he felt like that for the rest of his life, because she sure as hell was going to. He'd scarred her deep, taken the love she had for him and ripped it apart, cast it aside like it meant nothing. All because he was scared. The thought made Khai's eyes harden as she stared out the glass window, still trying to figure out which feeling was dominating her emotions. The part of her that wanted to reach out, slap him as hard as she could and walk out raging and conflicting against the side of her that wanted to crawl up into his arms and finally feel safe again. That wasn't going to happen though. Rab wasn't safe anymore. And when had he become 'Rab' again? Rabastan wasn't safe anymore. Not for her. There was too much pain there. Too much darkness for Khai to accept it with open arms. No. Rabastan was no longer an option if she was going to protect herself from falling apart. No matter how appealing those arms looked.

She flinched when she heard him moving again, knowing he was coming closer and still unsure of if she wanted him to or not. Just looking at him caused so much to happen inside her that even if there was any sort of joy mixed in, it was just as painful as the rest of it. Her heart yearned for him, her hands itched to reach out to him, let him touch her, wipe away her tears like he always had...but her mind wouldn't let her. Her mind filled her with pain the moment her eyes were on his, forcing her to realize what he represented in her life, and what could happen if she ever let him in again. Khai was sick of being hurt. Sick of the pain, the worry, the fear. At least with Ludo she didn't have to worry about the secrets. There was no threat of him pushing her away. Ludo just wanted her, even if he wanted someone else more. It was the only thing that was going to make Khai be able to forget the look that he gave Marlene tonight. The idea that even if he never looked at her like that, he wasn't just going to throw it all away because he was scared. That was Rabastan's area of expertise. Besides. Khai had no one else that would have her...she didn't have much of a choice other than to stay with Ludo. She wasn't even sure what Rabastan (God, that really needed to start sticking again) meant by following her, or why he was talking to her. All she knew was that he was here, making her squirm and angry and even more fragile than ever with his mere presence. It would have been too much if...if she didn't still love him so damn much. If those eyes didn't give her a sense of peace that Khai hadn't been able to grasp for a while. If the sound of his voice didn't make her heart beat a little less painfully and her hands shake just a little bit less.

Damn him to Hell.

Khai could see him now, out of the corner of her eye, standing next to her. She couldn't tell if he was looking at her or not, though she could guess that he was. Whatever it was that he wanted, it had to be important enough for him to actually look her in the face -- something he'd refused to do for the last few weeks. Just because she didn't want him to didn't mean that she didn't want him to. Girls were contradictory like that. Even if the last thing she ever wanted him to do was to approach her, talk to her, fucking look at her...she still wanted him to. The inner conflict was exhausting, changing her mind from one minute to the next and hating herself with each decision she made. Accepting Rabastan (there we go) in some way made Khai feel like she was rejecting Ludo. Accepting Ludo made her feel that in some way...she was rejecting a part of herself. There was nothing she could really do to actually make that decision, so she just kept on changing her mind between wanting to talk to Rabastan, and wanting to ignore him for the rest of her life. He had been such a big part of it that she didn't know whether it was better for him to stay or be ripped out completely. Either way was going to hurt. Either way was going to leave her more broken than ever. It was bad enough when he shoved her out of his life. It was worse when he wouldn't even look at her.

Even worse when she was dating Ludo...and all she really wanted was to have Rab's eyes staring back at her.

Still unsure of herself, but still sure enough to know that she at least wanted more time to decide, Khai merely shrugged. He could do whatever he wanted at this point. Wasn't going to change anything. If he tried anything (and he probably knew this) she'd give him a reason to never touch her again. Khai still wasn't even sure if he wanted her back, but it didn't matter at this point. He was here, and he wanted something. She just didn't know what. "I don't care Rabastan," Her heart wrenched again when his name left her lips again, hating the way it made her feel but at the same time it felt like something had been lifted off her chest now that she'd finally just said it again. The feelings came back the moment he commented on the way she looked, realizing that what all the effort she'd put into looking the way she did...it still wasn't good enough. "Evidently not the ones I thought I would." Ludo hadn't even given her a second glance when he walked away. Yet somehow she'd managed to get the attention of Rabastan. Not exactly the direction she thought either of those heads would be turning. Either way, Khai hadn't been good enough for Ludo, and it was made obvious the moment he turned his back on her. She honestly still had no idea why Rabastan was here. Still wary, Khai took in a deep breath before she looked in him in the eye again, gripping her hands together to maintain the only sort of composure she had at that point. "But why are you here? You don't do anything unless you have a reason to. You followed me all the way here, you have to have a reason." Confused, Khai narrowed her eyes just a little, hesitant to look angry lest he leave already, before she'd decided if she wanted him to or not. Furrowing her brow, Khai's voice was low, echoing off the walls as she lifted her head from against the glass and leaned back onto the wall behind her, finally sitting up straight and looking right at him, "What do you want?"

[/blockquote]

[rabastan]

OOC: *Coughs awkwardly* Rabastan has no self control. I clearly overestimated him in thinking I could place him in the same room as Khai and have him actually behave for once. I don’t know what this does to plotlines, but uh…yeah. “Surprise”? Abbie, I realize Khai has every single right to kick Rab away so – whatever you want to do works. Even if it kills Rabastan. o.o;; Brett, if you are reading this, sorry Rab’s such a whore. But I can’t have him keep acting like nothing is wrong. This sort of thing was supposed to happen later but… Yeah.

[ [ And my eyes are screaming for the sight of you,
And tonight I’m dreaming of all the things that we’ve been through. ] ]

She wasn’t overly thrilled about him staying…but she didn’t want him to leave either. Rabastan grimaced (because apparently he was indeed “Rabastan” again) and pulled himself up onto the windowsill, legs dangled off the side and staring across the classroom. This might not be so hard if he could keep his eyes there, instead of continually staring at her. That, amongst many other things, wasn’t going to help anything. It was best he keep his back to the window, best he keep his gaze elsewhere, best he not talk a whole lot… Was it wrong of him to just want to be there? To be able to sit with her, even if he could do no more then that? It was his own fault such a giant barrier had been placed between them. Only fair that he should have to be the one to rip it back down again. But what is to say, that once he does, she’d even want him to venture over the ruins? Rabastan was tired of arguing, tired of the silence. He had to play her game now. Play at her speed. And if she wanted the game to be over, he was going to have to give up. Could he do that? Rabastan glanced at her, she still looking outside, and frowned. Was it really necessary his stomach lurch that was, ravaging war in the base? He turned back to the opposite wall bearing the door. He had made it past the door. Why couldn’t he make it the rest of the way? Ludovic Bagman was the only person standing in his way; an idiot easily taken care of if it wouldn’t hurt Khai so much. Rabastan had no grounds to fight for her again, except the one she wasn’t going to believe him on anymore. He told a lot of lies, he broke a lot of promises, he hurt a lot of people… But if there was anything within his so-far seventeen years of living that was an absolute truth that had come from him was almost too simple: I love you, Khai Statton. I love you. His last stable piece to stand on and work with. The last fragile piece she stood wry of.

Without thinking he winced, feeling another twist of his stomach. Maybe that was her idea of telling him to leave. Evidently, Rabastan, evidentially… It was upsetting to think Bagman could look at Marlene and Khai side by side and choose Marlene. Nothing against his favorite FWB however… Ah, then of course he was biased. And if Bagman wanted Marlene? By all means he could have her if that meant he would leave Khai alone. Alone was the only way Rabastan was ever going to be able to talk to her again: in quiet rooms, away from her – cue painful jab – boyfriend, away from wandering eyes and overhearing ears. Everything was opposite to the way he was supposed to be. He wanted to fix it, he really did… But Rabastan was hardly walking on eggshells – the shells were already cracking, made of glass, he was weighted down, the surface unstable… He had more to worry about then just “walking” over the eggshells. “You’re gorgeous at any rate,” he muttered, more to himself then her. Right on time his stomach lurched again, because he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to compliment her either. He had never been so unsure in his entire life. He hardly even had a direction. All he knew was that he had to follow the way she was walking. If Khai didn’t know where she was going, well then neither did he. But they could go there together if she wanted to.

“You know,” Rabastan whispered, hating the reminiscing that threatened to pull him under, “For not saying much you certainly ask a lot of questions.” His heavy frown twitched briefly into a sad smile before his face fell completely. What he wouldn’t give to go back to that day. If he could just redo it over again, keep his promises… He reached up and wiped his face roughly, not sure if it was to clear up whatever expression was there or to get the stinging* to stop. Since when did Rabastan Lestrange cry? It was bad enough Isabella Swan had already witnessed such an embarrassing breakdown; he did not need to repeat the pattern in front of the girl causing it, for goodness sakes! He dropped his hand, but then rested his left over his right forearm. It wasn’t like she could see it. He was wearing a tux. Unless Khai had somehow acquired X-ray vision in the past couple of weeks there was no way for her to know his hand lay over the very tattoo added to the collection for her. Of her. That single, wilting rose… Rabastan could be the water she needed, but instead the heavy raindrops only drug her down more. Uncomfortably he rubbed his arm, trying to think of a suitable answer she might believe. Now was not the time for love confessionals. But it was there, sitting as the giant lump in his throat and refusing to leave until it was out. Of how sorry he was, how badly he wished he could take it all away, how hard it was to sit beside her and not be able to hold her, knowing it was his fault, wishing he could just let her be happy with someone else, wanting to be selfish and take her back for himself, the aching in his stomach, how miserably he was without her, what he wouldn’t give to pull her close and kiss her lips, tell her everything was going to be okay, he wasn’t giving up anymore, he was fighting, trying, never leaving… He could pour out his entire soul, beg for his best friend back, beg to have his girl back… But she wasn’t going to believe him. And no, he couldn’t blame her. Every doubt in her head was there because of him. It was going to take more then pretty words to prove he was back. More importantly, staying. For good.

His eyebrows pulled together as he thought. This just…wasn’t good. And that right there was probably the understatement of the year. Given that it was only February, that was saying something – because nothing else he thought up this year was going to top that. But how could he make it better? He just… “Khai, please…” He gave up. “Please just come here.” Rabastan didn’t give her the choice. His arms were aching, throbbing even, at not being able to hold her. He slide over a little and fiercely wrapped his arms around her shoulders, clinging to her. “I hate seeing you like this,” he managed to choke out, loathing the moment he felt a hot, liquidated drop** rolling down his cheek. “You’re right, of course. I always want something. I saw what happened and I just wanted to make sure you were going to be okay.” It felt like his whole body was in fire, even shaking slightly, at finally touching her again. He didn’t care if she didn’t want it anymore. He needed it. He was prepared to be the biggest pain in the world until she let him back in again. He didn’t deserve it. She shouldn’t have to. She didn’t even need to want to. But it would definitely move the pain away faster if she did. “I want you to be happy, Khai. That’s all I ever wanted. I’ve tried everything. Even running away. But I can’t do it anymore. Especially if the one taking care of you isn’t doing their job. You don’t deserve to be second best. And I don’t deserve any more chances. But I can love you, Khai. I can make you happiest. I know you’ve heard it all before, I know you have every right to never believe me again… But please, Khai, baby, I need you. I’m dying without. Can I please just be your friend again? Right back at square one. I’ll prove it all over to you. And then you won’t have to hurt like this anymore. And if by some chance you do, I can be there for you…without wondering if I’m allowed to be. It kills me, even now, not knowing. But this is right, Khai,” he squeezed her frame harder, “You belong right here. Fancy apologetic words aren’t going to fix this, I know, Khai, I know. But please just let me be here. I’ll hold you until you can stand up by yourself. Just don’t…don’t tell me to leave. Paybacks a b*tch and I deserve it. But…you are where I need to be. That’s why I’m here. That’s my reasoning. All I have is my love. Trust in it.

“Please?”

* No, no, he is not crying but he’s thinking about it… >.>
** Now he is. D=

OOC: [insert Izzy’s sobbing, breaking-down, flailing, miserable, spazzing-out session here]

[khai]

♠ I took a shot and didn't even come close

Khai couldn't decide if Rabastan's compliment made her happy or extremely irritated. On the one hand, that was kind of what she wanted, wasn't it? She wanted him to be jealous, to have to look at her from across the room and see how beautiful she looked and want it back but know he couldn't have it. That's what was supposed to happen. She hadn't counted on being alone with him, hearing the words actually come out of his mouth instead of him just thinking it. She hadn't counted on him sounding so sincere, on the way he looked when he said it, like he really did regret that she wasn't his anymore. Bastard still felt he had the right to tell her she was gorgeous. He'd given that up a long time ago, but Khai stayed silent. The best she could do was throw him something of a glare out of the corner of her eye, even if he wasn't looking at her anymore. How dare he say something like that, like he was allowed to comment on what she looked like anymore? Unsure of which part of her to side with, but neither of them extremely happy with Rabastan, Khai kept her mouth shut and stared back out the window, trying to ignore that tiny part of her she'd refused to acknowledge. The part that made her want to smile. The part that made her happy just knowing that he still thought she was beautiful. That tiny part of her heart that was overwhelmed by the annoyance and the gloating. The part of her that still loved him. That tiny piece made her want to actually look at him, smile like a little girl and laugh, just because she knew that the one person she would always love really did think she was beautiful. Khai wanted to just take it as a compliment and let it bring her some sort of happiness. Somehow that feeling never reached her features as she continued to stare out the window.

The stones made goosebumps rise all up and down her arms and legs with the cold and the friction as Khai sat up straight, still waiting for his answer. There was no way he'd just followed her here for no reason, there was a reason. Something inside Rab had made him follow her, and Khai wanted to know what it was. If he wasn't going to give her a real answer, then she was probably just going to -- God. Khai swallowed hard, the words echoing in her mind as her chest started moving faster up and down as the air immediately entered and exited her lungs at a quicker pace than it had been. Staring at his face, Khai's mind went to that day in the Common Room...as soon as the words left his mouth he'd turned back into the second year she'd met her first day at Hogwarts. Still just as eager to impress and for some reason drawn to her as much as she was to him. The memory flashed in front of her eyes, triggering more and more from the many years they'd been friends, but ultimately circling round to that first day. The day she'd met him. Rabastan Lestrange, already cocky at twelve years old, and already staring at her with the same intensity that he'd continued to look at her with for as long as they knew each other. The hardness left her face, unable to pick an emotion to go with, realizing that there were just too many. Mainly it just made her sad. Sad about what they'd become, what they could have been, how far they'd come but also how many steps backward they'd taken from that first day. He was the only one then who could make her smile. Even more than Alex could. Pain ripped through her stomach and chest again, her mind apparently making itself up on which emotion she was going to concentrate on. He'd always been there, even now when Khai wasn't even sure she wanted him there. Through all her dark times, all the pain and the fear...Rab was always there, to hold her, make her feel better. Sometimes make her feel worse, because he couldn't help but do anything else. Normally she would have been distracted by his obvious attempt to hide something, but she was too wrapped up in her thoughts, staring at him and completely unsure of what to do with herself. Really all she could feel was the pain in her chest...and that feeling of sadness that was starting to overwhelm her just looking at how obviously miserable Rabastan was.

He probably looked something like Khai did.

He was fidgeting, that was never good. Something was going on, something he didn't want to say but at the same time he did. As long as she'd been away from him, Khai wasn't completely incapable of figuring him out. When he was antsy he was just as easy to read as she was. Something was going on, and it was starting to eat away at that pity she'd just felt toward him. Khai's brow furrowed the instant her name left his mouth, immediately on guard. Hadn't he taken enough from her already? What else could he possibly want? Before she could realize what was seriously happening, Rabastan's arms were already around her, holding her tightly to him, surrounding her with himself. Khai's first instinct was to push him away, but he was talking again, and she didn't have the strength inside her to fight him. Mostly she was just confused, all her thoughts and emotions conflicting with each other. Her eyes flickered toward the door, unsure of whether she wanted to do her best at shoving her off him in case Ludo randomly popped in. But then again, Ludo was probably still dancing with the girl of his dreams. Why would he give a shit about where she was and whose arms she was in? That thought doused out the fire inside her stomach, along with the overwhelming scent of Rab's hair, his skin, everything about him that made her melt inside no matter how angry she was with him. Swallowing hard, Khai didn't push him away, but her arms stayed close to her own body, neither accepting nor rejecting Rab's embrace. His breathing was irregular, something was different. Was he crying? Khai had never seen him cry before. That lump in her throat surfaced again when Rab mentioned the poor job Ludo had done tonight, voicing her fears out loud and making her stomach twist painfully in her torso.

Every word, every sentence, everything that Rab said was like a knife had gone through her heart and with every syllable it was twisting around, cutting her deeper. And that one word...need. He needed her. The one thing that Khai could never say about Ludo was that he needed her. The word tore at her insides, hating herself for being so scared, for keeping her arms wrapped tightly around her middle because she was too fucking frightened of Rab hurting her again. The pain, the anxiety, and the absolute exhaustion making it almost impossible to think straight as all his words just kept pouring into her ears. All those words that made her heart beat faster. Baby. Need. Dying. Prove. It would be a fucking miracle for her not to hurt again, and Rab knew it. He was a dick to promise such things that he had no sure way of delivering. Even if it did sound rather appealing coming from his lips. It was all a little strange, Khai had gone from thinking that they might never talk again...to this. Rab was sitting here, saying whatever he thought he needed to in order to get her back. But what re-assurance did she have that things were going to stay this way? Rab had royally fucked things up before...how could she be so sure that he wasn't just going to do it again? How could he ask her to leave Ludo with no real guarantee that he was going to be there for her when she needed him? Another shooting round of agony seared through her body as he hugged her tighter, hating how it seemed like he could hear what she was thinking. The lump in her throat was growing, she hated how easily he made tears fall from her eyes. Because that's what she needed. More than anything Khai needed someone to keep her steady, to hold her up when she didn't have anything left in her to stay standing. The words streaming out of his mouth reminded her so much of the night of Jagger's death. 'Don't doubt it,' He'd said. She told him she wouldn't. She did anyways. She'd doubted his love when he pushed her away. She'd doubted his love that night she went to see Ludo, the day she'd sent him that note. Doubt. Could she trust him anymore? Did she have anyone left to trust? God, she couldn't even trust herself anymore. Ludo was long gone, always would be. Even in Rab's arms, Khai was alone. It was then that she realized...she didn't really have much of a choice. If she couldn't even believe in herself anymore...she had to turn to someone who could...Rab was the only one left.

Finally unwrapping her arms from around herself, Khai hesitantly reached out, barely touching his shirt with her fingertips, and then slipping her hands around his sides, burying her face in his neck, tears still falling down her cheeks. He was her last chance. His scent overwhelmed her, making her stomach instantly stop flipping and her heart stop beating so fast. Pulling him closer...he gave her peace. Closing her eyes, Khai breathed in deep, relishing his scent that she'd been denied so long, the feel of his skin, the way he held her even when she was crying. Breathing hard, tears streaming into his neck and her hands grasping at his back like it was the only lifeline she had left, Khai whispered what she'd told him a thousand times every day in her mind,

"I love you, Rab."

[rabastan]

[ [ Suppose we were happy, suppose it was true.
And suppose there were cold nights, but we somehow made it through. ] ]

Was not being able to breathe customary, too? God there was a reason he never did things like this. It felt like there was a giant rock in the pit of his stomach. An on-fire, raging, thrashing, ready-to-erupt boulder. On top of that his tear ducts were broken. Just perfect. Because tonight that was exactly what he had set out to do. He had come with the full intention of tracking down Khai and balling his eyes out like a little girl. Right. Bagman wasn’t a man, but Rabastan wasn’t much of one. He wouldn’t be holding on to Khai to tightly otherwise, would he? But he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. He didn’t even care too much that she’d failed to respond in any way. Just the fact that she hadn’t pushed him away was enough for right now, shakily breathing her in. Rabastan couldn’t even believe this was happening. Crying. Right in front of her. Well, sort of. He was doing a nice job of getting whatever part of his body he could right up against her, burying his face against her hair and closing his wet eyes. He had to make things better. How was he supposed to go on without her? Everything was crashing down around him, certain pieces finally falling into place. Not the least of which included how devoted he truly was to her. Rabastan really had tried every means of letting her go. He’d kept his distance to begin with. Pushed her away. Pulled her back in, torn her apart, and shoved her back out. Forced her to run to somebody else. Ran away. Nothing had worked. All he had left to do was run back. What else could he do? Being without her just didn’t work. He couldn’t function properly. He never slept well. Other girls didn’t help. He couldn’t talk to anybody about it. He was all by himself, the way he’d intended it to be… Careful what you wish for, eh? Rabastan forced air into his lungs, her smell so very concentrated after being denied it for so long. But he hadn’t forgotten it, no. If anything, she smelt better then he remembered. His memories hadn’t done her any justice. His arms were practically tingling at finally keeping her body wrapped against his. A nervous but satisfactory feeling, wishing he could believe his words were going to make her stay. She had no reason to. But he hoped it was enough... Dear God, he hoped it was enough.

And if it was? Rabastan hastily released the trapped air, slowly pulling fresh oxygen back in. And if it was… Could he expect her to just get up and walk back out with him, to forever forget Bagman and everything he couldn’t do for her? It had been a senseless call on Rabastan’s part, thinking someone like Bagman could ever take care of Khai. To be perfectly honest, Khai was the one area in his life he could afford to be boastful at and not be given crap about it. He was the only one who could make her the happiest. He was the only person to truly know every in and out of her history. He was… Rabastan was not the only guy out there for her, but she was the only girl for him. How many nights had she invaded his dreams? How many times had he been kissing someone else, and pictured her face? Hell, he had gone to Swan for advice because it was almost like she was the only person he could go to. She knew what it was like to be broken. He needed that perspective from someone who actually cared and fell victim to the murderous thoughts late at night, not someone who blocked off their emotions to the entire ordeal. Swan was a right pain in the rear sometimes, and far too observant for her own good, but she listened and she knew. His only requirement. Watching her be so happy with Lupin had tormented him. Something in him had been set on destroying that, because who was she to be so happy when Rabastan couldn’t even smile? Jealousy and lust had been his only two motives lately. That had to be what was left over, when you removed one’s heart from the equation.

He wasn’t going to be able to handle what was coming. He tensed without thought, waiting for her hands to finally reach up and press him away. But she didn’t. She… “Khai,” he breathed out raggedly, squeezing her harder. There were no words to describe the feeling. Like a few of those weights had been lifted, a few of those eggs had stopped cracking… Maybe things weren’t totally okay, but they were better. After fierce clawing and breaking somehow he’d managed to tear down that wall. The door, the wall… All he had left was Bagman. How was he going to go about phrasing that? I’m really sorry Bagman, but I’m taking my girl back. She was hardly ever yours, anyways. But was she his again? Had she ever really not been? Too many variables. All questions he wasn’t sure he’d get tonight. But at least he was holding her again; at least she wasn’t pushing him away; at least…at least…

She loved him.

Still.

“I love you, too, Khai. Always. Forever. God, I have missed you. I’m so, so sorry, Khai. Never again, I swear it. I just can’t do it. I guess I should apologize for that, because damn if I’ve going to Hell I’m bringing you with me. I just can’t… I’ve just missed you.” How was he supposed to do this? Rabastan was having difficultly figuring out what he wanted to say most, or how to phrase it for that matter. He didn’t know what to do with the faded happiness digging around through the misery. Could he let it out yet, when he had no guarantee’s she wasn’t going to leave him? Love. It had to be enough. It was all he had left. Still jittery Rabastan eased up on his embrace, slipping both hands to grasp her shoulder’s and finally, finally, finally look her in the eye. It did require him detaching one hand, taking hold of her chin and forcing her to look, but she was looking. Rabastan managed a weak smile, unsure how tear-stained his dark eyes looked. He’d never had to invest in water-proof eyeliner before. Now might be a good time to look into it, apparently. “Never again,” he repeated for emphasis, praying and hoping and wishing she could see it in him. Something had finally snapped tonight and whatever it was, it had made up Rabastan’s mind before he’d consciously known it. It was as though every atom in his body were dedicated to the cause, of proving all over again why he deserved any sort of attention from her at all. It was back to the basics. He had to make himself worth her time again. Rabastan had no expectations for tomorrow except that he would be able to look at her again, talk to her again. Start small, and work his way back up.

Rabastan’s lips twitched into a smile. Time to make things happen.

He pulled her back in and simply cherished the entire moment. Perhaps his world would be somewhat righted from now on. It had to be better then what he’d been dealing with lately. Anything was better then that. But nothing…nothing…could compare to pressing his to her cheek. Everything about Khai was right, once he took the time to get over himself. He was the only problem and since he’d gotten over that in the wake of his agony… “I can’t give you up again,” he whispered into her ear, resting his cheek against hers. Funny, how for once it wasn’t just her tears wetting his. Rabastan closed his eyes, breathed deeply in, rubbed her back comfortingly… Things he’d missed, but not everything. Meaningless one night stands just didn’t work anymore, because Rabastan was after someone much better then that. He couldn’t let her go back to Bagman now. Rabastan never wanted to move. Question of the night: what was he supposed to do? He sighed in defeat, finally voicing his newest fears: “Khai, what am I supposed to do? I can’t let you go back to him. I don’t want to. I can’t.” He hugged her as tightly as he could. “I love you too much to ever do that again.”

[khai]

♠ At trust and love and hope

The fear of Ludo opening that door, the fear of what might come of this, the fear of letting Rab in again would have almost been too much for Khai to keep her arms wrapped around him. The only thing that kept her there was the fact that it just...felt so good to be surrounded by his arms again. Everything felt familiar again, like she'd been away from herself for so long, but now she remembered who she was. The knots in her stomach melted away, aided by the scent that seemed to fill her as she breathed it in. Every word that tumbled from his lips made another round of tears spring from her eyes, she was never sure why though. Part of it was that she just wanted to hear him say all of it so badly, but for some reason it still didn't feel right. Among the feelings of satisfaction of finally being in his arms again...there was something that bothered her. She still didn't trust him. All these feelings, all the words that came out of his mouth...it wasn't enough. He'd said it already, that apologies weren't going to fix it, and he was dead on. Everything that was happening right now, no matter how good it felt to be touching him again, for him to be holding her, no matter how long she'd waited to hear those words...Khai couldn't find it in herself to believe him. He'd said them before...and he'd pushed her away. His whispers sent goosebumps down her back, the feeling of his hands against her bare skin was almost too much. Just being this close to him after so long was a lot more overwhelming than she thought it would be. Then again, Khai had never really planned on being this close to him after everything they'd been through and everything they'd thrown away. Even with everything right there in her grasp...Khai couldn't take it.

Her stomach flipped awkwardly as he pulled away, not wanting to leave the warmth of his arms yet, even with the uncertainty that floated around aimlessly in her mind and tugged at the bottom of her stomach. Swallowing hard as the heat of his body left her, Khai shivered from the now-cold room, hating how much better she'd felt a few seconds ago. Hating that tearing at the pit of her torso. Khai honestly had no idea what her face looked like other than the tears that streamed down it, she was too emotionally numb and at the same time exploding that she didn't remember to control her features anymore. It was strange though, seeing him cry. As much as it wasn't fair, Khai didn't like it. After six years of never seeing him cry, she should be able to allow him this one time, but it was really weird. She was just used to him being her big strong man, the one who always kicked people's asses for her and the only real emotion he ever showed was anger. Well, until all this had started, but even then it had been the dominant thing she'd seen in him. Khai had gotten used to that Rab, it was the one that she fell in love with. This Rab? This begging, crying, broken Rab? It unnerved her. The fear she had crawling around in her stomach was growing...what if he'd changed? What if he wasn't the man she needed anymore? What if all this had broken him down the way it had to her? Khai had never seen this side of him before...never knew it existed. Would he still be the strong, no-nonsense Rab she'd always known? Or was this what he was going to be like from now on? Everything was just so weird, her brain was having trouble keeping up with it all, let alone her heart. Where was her big, strong Rab?

Doing her best to not grimace at the tears that feel from his eyes, Khai reached up with both hands, slipping her thumbs along his cheeks and wiping the offending liquid away, doing her best to rid his face of anything that even resembled a tear. She needed the old Rab back, the one that was willing to kick a few asses just to get her attention. The one that was thought crying was rediculous and just wanted to punch a wall through something half the time. She needed that Rab back. Now. It was a little better, now that the tears were gone, leaving Khai hoping that no more fell while she was still looking at him. Although his eyeliner had smeared a little, it wasn't any worse than if he'd just left it on for a few days, so it didn't put her off any. Better. A little. Her stomach still twisted at the strange feeling of seeing Rab cry, something she hoped she never saw again. Khai knew she wasn't being fair, but she couldn't help it. Extremely okay with Rab wrapping his arms around her again so that she didn't have to worry about whether he was crying or not (as long as she didn't have to see it), Khai's arms wove themselves back around his torso, embracing his warmth, everything about him that seemed to make her breathing easier. Khai tried to concentrate on what she'd seen in his eyes. Something she hadn't seen before tonight. A boldness and determination that she'd only seen in his eyes right before a Quidditch game or something equally as important to him. Maybe he was telling the truth...but she could never know for sure unless she took a chance on him. But the more she thought about it...

...the more she realized she wasn't willing to do that anymore.

The thought made her stomach twist again, the pain making her eyes well again as her mind made itself up. She couldn't do it. That part of her that was still scared completely overpowered the need to be with him, the feeling she got when he held her. He made it harder with every word he spoke, trying to show her how much he needed her so that she might take him back. But she couldn't take him back. As much as she wanted to be able to, as much as Ludo had just hurt her...she couldn't afford to take chances anymore. Her heart couldn't take it. khai knew she couldn't stay here, couldn't stay with him...so she just held him that much tighter, breathed him in that much deeper, keeping the memory for later. The things she remembered were sometimes the only things that got her through the day, even if they just made her day that much harder. If she could just concentrate on --

Ugh. He just really wasn't getting it, was he?

Khai had no right to freak out, he had no idea what was going on in her head. She must have been sending some hugely mixed signals right about then, but she couldn't help that either. He was just so...so stupid. Hating that he was making her do this, that he could possibly ask her something like that, like she was the one supposed to have any kind of answers right then. Letting out a long breath, Khai unwrapped her arms from him as quickly as she could and jerked herself out of his arms, a scowl mixed with resentment for him forcing her to leave her used-to-be-safezone. "God, what is wrong with you?" Tears still streamed down her cheeks as she furrowed her brow, hating him for everything he'd done, the question he'd just asked her. Sliding off the windowsill, Khai turned her back on him and grabbed one of the pillows from the many seats surrounding crystal balls and small tables. Instead of smacking him like she wanted to, she dug her hands into the fabric and half-screamed, half-growled and relished the sound bouncing off the walls back into her ears, calming her irritated nerves. Finally turning back on him, Khai clenched her teeth together, all the anger and pain finally spilling out, wanting to make him feel as crappy as she did, "What are you supposed to do? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Just pretend that I don't have someone probably out looking for me right now if he's done staring at the girl he's really in love with? Just pretend that Ludo means nothing to me just because you decided to throw yourself back into my life again? You had your fucking chance. Chance after chance, Rabastan. You think you can just come in here, sweep me off my feet with your apologies and promises to be better and tell me that you just want to be my friend? You don't want to be my friend Rab, we've never been friends. I don't care if you deny it, or how long you're going to wait until you finally face the fact that we will never be friends. We never were. You just never wanted to deal with the idea that we've always been more than that, ever since you stopped Mick that day in the Common Room. It's all or nothing with us Rab, we can't be friends."

Shaking her head, Khai wiped the tears away from her face, but her eyes still stayed resolute and angry as ever. "And I can't be with you." Ignoring the tears, ignoring the ripping pain inside her, ignoring everything in her that just wanted him to wrap his arms around her again. Every memory, every touch, everything about him she missed screamed for her to stop being such a bitch and just take him back...but she couldn't do it. Biting her lower lip, Khai blinked away even more tears, feeling them fall down her cheeks, dripping from her chin down to the stones that had already frozen her toes. "You broke my heart. I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough. You broke it so badly I don't even know if I have one left. I can't go through that again." Khai's words felt like venom as they spat past her teeth, she knew exactly what she was doing, and why she was doing it...she just hoped he understood. She needed him to. "I don't trust you anymore, and even now that I'm so obviously not good enough for Ludo...I'm not going to use that as an excuse to just take you back. I refuse to be that pathetic. God, just..." Any energy she had left was gone, and she sank into a group of extra pillows that had been tossed aside, ignoring how she might have usually appreciated how the soft fabric felt against her skin. She couldn't really feel anything anymore. "Fuck you, Rab." Covering her face with her hands, Khai swallowed hard, holding back a sob that rose up in her throat and trying to forget the only question she really wanted an answer to.

How much did he really love her?

[/blockquote]

[rabastan]

[ [ But it’s in my body, it’s strong enough to fight.
Let’s make this right. Please help me make this right? ] ]

So. There it was.

Rabastan couldn’t honestly tell you what shot through him the second he felt her hands pressing against him. Not to draw him closer, but push him away. Was he angry or upset? Maybe both? And while we’re on it, what had just been shot into his veins making his whole body tremble? Were more apologies roaring up his throat or were they hateful scowls? He didn’t dare let either come out, but he did let her leave his arms. It stung, and painfully so, but something was ticking in the back of his mind reminded him it should hurt. If it hadn’t, that meant this was all for nothing. If he was alright with her shoving him away then everything he’d just blurted out to her was a lie. If only she could feel what he was feeling. Complicated, but easier to understand then what she was spitting out. She was capable of loving and hating him all at once now? Rabastan wrapped his hands at the edge of the sill, gripping hard as she practically roared into that poor, poor pillow. Didn’t deserve to be ravaged on from a girl suffering mix emotions. His doing, on naturally, and on a sadistic level Rabastan almost felt okay with it. She wasn’t as willing to give him up as she was claiming, was she? Are you, Khai? Are you really? He thought and thought, aching while he sat and let her bleed. The invisible wounds were breaking open – he, himself, Rabastan was tearing them apart and reawaking each sore and sting. She didn’t want him to move though, not with what she was putting off. So instead he sat still, grinding his teeth together, consciously putting thought into making those irrational tears cease, and hands grasping the ledge in an effort to remain calm. Could he stay calm, was the real question here, while Khai was falling apart?

It wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to hear this. He even managed a couple winces here and there, letting her words cut him open just as his silence was doing to her. Time, time, time… That was his one fatal flaw, wasn’t it? Time and time again, he drew her in just close enough to scar. Time and time again, he told her it was okay and then roughly shoved her back, Time and time again, she granted him chances he wasn’t suited to have and every single time he had promised one thing and acted upon another. Time. Mere time, such an inanimate, such an abstract thing… That was what was keeping them apart now? The memories were there of course, reminding him of every mistake he’d ever done with her. Letting her in at all had topped that list for some time now (ah, and there it was again). Well, it was time to change things. Permanently, and finally for the better. His words weren’t going to solve anything. Looks like it was time to find a new weapon of choice. Rabastan squeezed the brick harder, not needing to glance down to know his knuckles were turning white. Pale, pale in the faint moonlight. So different then the heated blush searing across Khai’s face, the light sparkling off her tears. She thought they weren’t friends now? Oh, and he could be in denial about that too? I’m sorry, baby, it just doesn’t work that way anymore. Perseverance, perhaps, was what had finally cracked. Could that be the fiery substance pulsing through him just then, racing round and round in impatience? It went against everything in him to sit there as she cried. It went against al logic instilled such a long, long time ago. That first day was brought back to his attention, recalling how hard he had tried. Twelve years old and he’d already known how to be a jerk straight to someone’s face. Twelve years old…and he’d already known why that wasn’t acceptable around her, and why he’d persuaded Mick to go elsewhere so Rabastan could keep the silent girl in the corner to himself. They’d come a long way in six years. Somewhere along the way he’d broken it back down again.

Time to start building again.

She was long past finished, the awkward and exceptionally tense air still hovering around them. Rabastan hadn’t looked away even once, eyes still trained on her face. Over the course of his speech he’d maybe gotten fifty-percent eye contact. Khai knew what she was doing. It made sense that she would try and keep her as closed off from him as humanly possible. However, that didn’t mean it irritated him any less. If anything, she had only succeeded in making him more frustrated then when he had walked in. It was helping, in an odd way, being so anxious and irritable. There were certain things about him that only crept up when he was angry, dead-set on something. If the door, the wall, and time had been conquered what else could there be, right? Bagman was an easy mess to take care of. Which left Khai herself. His final strand of resistance. Rabastan couldn’t go anywhere if she wasn’t going to let him in again. How annoying it was to have a single person hold that much power over him. He didn’t like it. But it had always been this way, or so it had seemed. It must work in reverse. That was what had started this fiasco. If she hadn’t ever realized he was more then a casual bed warmer every once and a while, they might not even be here. Maybe they would have gone to the dance together, because Rabastan didn’t want to but she wanted to get prettied-upped for somebody. He would have agreed just to make her smile. They could have laughed about it afterwards, and made fun of how mediocre everyone else looked compared to her stunning glamour. She would’ve teased him about looking like a little penguin. He would’ve accused her of being too irresistible. It could have happened. But no, his countless errors had caused them to be here instead. Alone, dark room, crying, out of sight. News flash, Khai: I’m not okay with that.

Rabastan uncurled his fingers and rubbed his face once more, making a smeared mess of his cuff and wondering vaguely if he looked like he had a black eye now. Well, so be it. He felt like he had a black eye. And broken ribs and cuts and scraps and burns… More fuel to the fire then, huh? He gripped the windowsill ledge again only long enough to support his jump back down to the ground, wiping his hands together to clear the dust. “Khai?” he asked, staring her in the eye. His gaze did flicker away for a moment, to no where in particular, before locking back to her. She seemed to be paying attention, even if she didn’t want to be. Good enough for now. Rabastan was going to make her let him back in, because he wasn’t going anywhere tonight without her. He – there really was no other word for it – stalked over to her, kneeling in front amongst the lazy pile of pillows. Khai knew how to play her own games to well. Would this be reverse psychology being played right now? Rabastan didn’t care either way, steadily maintaining balance and reached out to take hold of her hands. She was going to leave bruises on her own, precious face if she kept attacking it that way. Manipulating her fingers by way of pressure from his own he worked her hands down into her lap. He kept his own there, encasing hers tightly. She had no more hidden protection if he kept them locked up, leaned in close to her face. She needed to realize he wasn’t backing off anymore. This was going to be a painful couple of months if she was going to keep closing herself off like this. She had every right to, it was only fair, but if she was going to remained imprisoned in on herself Rabastan was going to pick and pry until that stupid lock opened back up again. Weighing his course of action, he smoothly rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand to bid himself thinking room. When he decided, it was obvious. His hands stopped fidgeting and if possible, squeezed hers harder. “Khai,” he repeated, briefly shutting his eyes. His tone was serious, but a softer edge to the hysterics. He met her gaze once more. Fierce. “No.” Ground rules needed to be set. First and foremost? “I can’t force you to believe me in the last few hours of a single day. But I will, Khai, sooner then you think, I’d imagine. It starts with you not leaving this room until I have permission to talk to you tomorrow. I’m going to anyways, but I’d just rather not have to go against your wishes when I’m doing it. You can say you don’t believe me, but I’m not going to let you ignore me. I can’t stay away from you anymore. I’m tired of it. And I think you know that somewhere, you can trust in me enough to be a persistent pain in your *ss until you trust me again, period. I’ll spend every single day proving it if I have to. Your call on if you want me to go about it the hard way.”

Little bit make-up stained, little bit broken, little bit worn…

But his infamous smirk was back and the infectious power-high it provided gave him enough courage to lean in and kiss her forehead. “I’m not going anywhere.”

[khai]

♠ The poets are just kids who didn't make it and never had it at all

There was a long pause after Khai spoke, though she couldn't really tell if it was long or short with the way her mind was racing. The only thing she could hear was the sound of the air going in and out of her lungs, trying to stop the angry tears that fell down her cheeks. For someone that grew up thinking that crying was a sign of weakness, Khai sure was crying a lot lately. She blamed Rab for that too. How was it possible for another person to have this much control over her? Khai had always promised herself that this was never going to happen again. She was never going to allow someone to have that kind of power over her, because whenever she did she always ended up getting the raw end of the deal. Khai always got hurt. Khai's eyes opened wide at the sound of her name, though the view didn't chance since her face was still buried in her hands. Her breathing stopped for a moment, realizing that he was actually going to say something. She should have figured that he would, he could never go on hearing that without having something to say. That had been the point, hadn't it? She showed him just how much she was hurting, what he'd done to her, so that he might finally be motivated to fix it. She didn't want crying, apologetic Rab. She wanted the Rab that was going to fight for her, and do anything to get her back. The Rab that she'd loved for so long and finally realized she might get back someday. She didn't want indecisive, half-assed Rab. Khai wanted the real Rab back. The one that knew what he wanted and would take any risk and any chance when it came to getting it. He wanted her back, that was more than obvious...but did she really want him back? When he'd suddenly become as weak as she felt? When Khai already had someone that would stay strong for her, keep her safe, even if he didn't love her most. As much as Khai would always hate looking into Ludo's eyes, knowing that she wasn't always the one on his mind, she knew that he was safe. For as long as she'd known him, he was always there for her when she needed to be put back together. That was worth something.

Khai's entire body tensed the moment she heard Rab coming closer. It was only too evident that he wasn't being all that hesitant anymore, his foosteps hard and determined as they fell on the stone floor. No, he wasn't shuffling his way over here, it was more than that. Khai's heart rose a little in her chest, was it true? Was that latest glimpse of the 'new' Rab merely a moment of weakness? She could only pray that it was, because if it wasn't she didn't know if she could stand the sight of him anymore. The faster his footsteps fell, the faster Khai's breathing became, almost excited that he might actually have grown a set in the last few minutes. No more crying, no more asking for forgiveness...Khai wanted the Rab that would take it. He was in front of her, she could feel it when he was close. Some sort of fucked up sixth sense. Clenching her jaw, Khai almost expected the fingers that grabbed at her own, he never let her hide. Not from him. She still put up a fight though, even knowing that he was going to win. He always won. It always played out the same way, he was enforcing rule number three. Khai would get mad (number one), cover her face (number two), Rab would pull them away (number three), and Khai would still refuse to look at him (number four). No sense in changing the rules now, so Khai kept her eyes fixed on the hands in her lap, hating and loving the way his hands engulfed her own and contrasted the color of her dark skin. A wierd kind of deja vu crept over her, because they'd been in this same position a thousand times before...but this time was different from all the rest. This was the one that counted. Everything was out on the table, for both of them to see plainly. Now all that was left to do was decide which cards they'd play.

It was harder to concentrate on being mad at him when he was so close, when he didn't have tears in his eyes anymore, even if he did look a little ridiculous with his eyeliner all smeared. It was a lot harder when his scent hit her full force again, that part of him that could comfort her even with her eyes closed, the part that no matter what never ceased to soothe and calm every inch of her. He was just so close, and Khai had no idea what he was going to do. She couldn't decide if she would be furious beyond belief if he actually kissed her, or if she'd just...no. She wasn't going to do that again. She'd already cheated on Rab, she wasn't going to repeat that with anyone ever again. No matter how fucking good he smelled, or how perfectly her hands seemed to fit inside his, or how he'd played the game exactly how she'd wanted him to. Just like always. A shudder ran through her body, complementing the agony of being close to him again that ravaged her stomach and made every bit of her shake. The feeling of his thumb rubbing against the back of her hand was just a little too nostalgic for her to handle at the moment. But it stopped much sooner than Khai would have liked, and now he was squeezing her hand like he was going to say something. Why did he have to say something? Why couldn't they just sit there for a little longer? If he could just keep his big fat mouth shut for a little while, God. But no, because this was Rab, and of course he had something to say. Just like always. Those were the rules of the game. Worst part of this rule? This was the one she usually caved on.

Hearing her name, Khai hated how quickly her eyes flashed to his, unable to stop herself. That was rule number five, she had to actually listen to what he was saying, and most of the time that included actually looking at him. Damn rules. His were closed for a second, but Khai was almost happy when he opened them again, though she didn't show it. The look in those amber circles...the tone of his voice, she'd been wondering where her Rab had gone, 'There he is.' Almost beaming inside, Khai refused to let her eyes betray her when it was so important for her body to stick with her mind on this one. It didn't matter if the old Rab was back if he was going to just screw it up again. That was going to be the next game they played. He was going to have to convince her that he was worth it. That he wasn't going to just take her heart and hand it back to her ripped apart again. The determination in his voice was almost a turn-on, with the way that his jaw was set in a hard line like it always did when he put his mind to something. Khai's stomach was doing flips inside, but she stayed perfectly still, half-glaring at him as he spoke. What did he want to talk to her tomorrow for? What did he want now? Everything that needed to be said had just been said, so what could he possibly be saving for tomorrow? Whatever it was, Khai was wary to be so open to being around him again, especially when her mind changed itself so quickly these days. Right now she might want things to be the way they used to, but Ludo always did have a way of convincing her otherwise. Who knew where her mind would be tomorrow?

Khai's eyes hardened, knowing that he was right but hating it. Why did he always have to be fucking right? Why did he always know exactly what she wanted to hear, and put it in a way that didn't sound like he was just saying it because she wanted to hear it? Goddamn him. At least he wasn't crying anymore, Khai could barely stand it when she cried, let alone the one person she expected to be strong when she wasn't. He seemed to know that she wanted him to fight, probably would anyways even if she didn't want him to. Cringing but at the same time rejoicing inside, Khai closed her eyes as she felt his lips against her forehead, hating and loving the feelings that coursed through her with the contact. His words clinched it, and Khai was even more confused as to how this was all going to work out. She still had a boyfriend to go back to, it didn't matter what Rab promised her or made her feel. Ludo was going to be waiting for her, wondering where she went. She needed to go back to him, she'd already been gone too long. Knowing Ludo and knowing herself, he was probably going to be able to tell that something had happened, but for now she'd just blame it on Marlene. All this stuff with Rab was completely up in the air, and she supposed she'd know more about it tomorrow. Khai hated being dishonest with Ludo, but for now, she thought it would be best not to tell him until she was sure that Rab wasn't going to back down. Until she was sure of what she was going to do.

Unable to stand it any longer, Khai ripped her hands away from his and pulled away from Rab, pushing herself up onto her feet and breathing heavy. She was doing her best to ignore the things that Rab awoke in her, but being so close to him wasn't helping at all. Rushing over to grab her shoes, Khai looked back at him and glared, "I can always trust you to be a pain in my ass." Stalking over to the door, Khai opened it, but paused, staring at Rab and trying to calm down, not sure if she was angry at the moment or if she was halfway spazzing over how excited she was that her Rabastan was back. For now she was sticking with angry, because she didn't want Rabastan knowing how easily he could pull at her heart. Holding the doorknob in her hand but staying still, Khai removed it to point at his face, "You pull anything in front of Ludo tomorrow, and I'll kill you myself. You've got five minutes after Potions." Khai had no idea the kinds of things that Rab could say to her in five minutes, and figured that no matter how much she wanted to...she wasn't going to stick to her time-limit. She and Rab never really did. Shooting him one last glare, Khai slammed the door shut behind her and pulled her heels back on as she hurried down the corridor in the direction of the dance again, but stopping as she rounded the corner. Leaning against the wall, Khai wiped her face of any remaining tears, fixing her makeup as best she could without a mirror, and only realizing a moment later that she was grinning. He was going to have to prove himself, but things were going to change. He just had to prove it.

'Prove it, Rab.'

[/blockquote]

OOC: Haha, see? She specified tomorrow, so after that technically he can do whatever he wants > >

[rabastan]

[ [ And suppose that I’m nothing without you. ] ]

There was something faintly comical about Khai standing in the doorway. Maybe because he’d only stood on the opposite side a couple minutes ago and mentally tore it down. His first obstacle and now she was charging back through it? Maybe it was because she was returning to someone that wasn’t going to do her justice anymore. His last remaining being standing in the way and hardly much of a threat? Maybe it was because he knew this wasn’t going to be the end of this. No, if anything, this was just the start to their latest chapter together. And if Rabastan got it his way, there were going to be several more to come. In fact, there was no end in sight. Could Bagman handle staying with Khai the rest of the night, knowing Rabastan had gotten in his word? Knowing she wasn’t even going to be paying much attention anymore? Knowing he had no solid evidence from either of them except the new layer of revival? It was a bit irritating, he’d admit, to have to let her go for one more night. Rabastan was going to have to sit out the next few days patiently. His only reasoning for going along with that plan was that by the time it was all said and done, Khai was going to be his again. Everything he’d sat on for weeks now could be released and engulfed. Just a matter of time. Rabastan’s newest alliance, different then the way they were before. So, while difficult, he did let her go. Just for this last night. He knew his parting smile would say it all anyways, no more need to ruin the thriving air with his words. The door’s slam echoed and bounced off at the walls back at him, Rabastan’s devious chuckle greeting the airwaves head on. “See you tomorrow, love,” he grinned, starting for the door. He wasn’t exactly sure where he was headed now, on his last night of directionless. Should he bother going back to the dance at all? Wynter was bound to have found someone to keep her occupied. Her words were backfiring on her: Rabastan had come with a “sure thing,” and now he was leaving with a surer thing. Wynter wasn’t going to miss him if he never showed back up. He’d heard about it later, oh how he was going to hear about it later. But understandably so Rabastan had newer plans of much higher importance. If he wasn’t going back to the Great Hall, then where was he going? Well, one thing was for sure.

“Game on.”

Five minutes was all he needed.

theend