never thought you'd come by

[Stefan Capper]

No, not really.

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[Imogen Sauveterre]

Oh. I'm sorry.

[Stefan Capper]

Stefan pushed the heel of his hand against his forehead, scrunching his eyes closed and pressed his lips together. He let out a shaky breath and rubbed his thumbs into his eyes slowly.

Everything felt like it was collapsing around him.

I--It's stupid. I feel like it's good, and I don't know why it shouldn't be because nothing has changed between us. Nothing has changed and I still want we still love each other, right?

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[Imogen Sauveterre]

Well... you've changed. And Lyle's changed. Maybe the problem is that the relationship hasn't. And it's understandable, you know? Lyle has been through a really, really harsh ordeal, and now you're going through one of your own. They're both totally different matters but one isn't more traumatic or important than the other. Of course you would want to cling to something good and familiar, like the healthy and loving relationship you had before everything started with Mulciber. But your relationship has to evolve with your personalities, or it won't be able to survive. You and Lyle have issues to work out, with yourselves and with each other. And you know I'm here if you need anything.

[Stefan Capper]

Even as Stefan read through Imogen's words, he could feel the pounding on his head and the telltale tightening of his throat once more as tears pooled in his eyes.

Thinking about it; about Lyle and what Mulciber did to him, and how he'd changed since then. How the bright, all-smiles, outgoing and loud and carefree boy he'd met in September was all but gone, replaced with this... and he didn't even know what this was. He was still trying to work that out. But it didn't matter, right? Who this Lyle was, or what had happened because Lyle was still Lyle. And Stefan cared about him, and that'd never change. And then losing his parents two weeks ago, and feeling like he had nothing to turn to anymore. Being left alone with a cousin he barely got along with. He swallowed hard.

The worst bit, he thought, was what she'd said about them having a healthy relationship, loving. Between him and Lyle, two boys, and she'd called it both of those adjectives. It was good, wasn't it? It'd always been good. That's what Lyle had always said, enough times, until he'd made Stefan believe it. Convinced him of it so that he was sure of who he was, that he was okay with saying he was gay, and proud to be in love with another boy. But Lyle didn't seem to be, anymore. And Stefan couldn't fight the nagging feeling that told him it had to do with him. Lyle hadn't had a problem with being gay before they'd gotten together and now... at the ball, they'd had to leave because Lyle didn't want to be with Stefan around more people, and in New York where it was okay, more okay than it was at Hogwarts because New York was supposed to be the safe haven where anything could happen, and Lyle had all but been forced to kiss him at midnight on New Year's.

It made him feel ashamed, and embarrassed and guilty and afraid, and worthless. Not enough for Lyle, not enough for himself. And of course he was still there when he'd found out about his parents; he'd still held him through it and listened but it wasn't the same.

The past couple of days, Stefan had had to go find him, initiate touch between them. They barely held hands in private, let alone in the hallways, and Lyle wouldn't eat with him, wouldn't kiss him... would kiss him, sometimes, but then they'd push back a little more and lie down and he'd stop. He'd freeze and pull back and rejection would sweep over Stefan again, colder than before--the bell rang, loud and unexpected, and Stefan balled up the note in his hand, trying to ignore how he was crying a little, again, and tossed it into a bin nearby, packing up his things.

Shifting his bag onto his shoulder, he walked over to the door and hung back a little to wait for Imogen, reaching up to rub at his face before anybody could see him crying. The last thing he wanted was their pity.

[Imogen Sauveterre]

Stefan had been quiet after Imogen handed him her last note - too quiet, which wasn't a good sign. She saw the emotion taking over his face and quickly scribbled an apology on a separate strip of parchment, but class ended before she could give it to him. Crumpling her new note, she shoved it in her pocket and followed him out of class. Stefan wasn't someone who cried, but Imogen had to wonder if he had at all yet. He had just lost his parents. And now, apparently, he was afraid of losing his boyfriend too. Imogen didn't know what was going on between the two, but if she could help in any way, she definitely wanted to. Approaching him, she gently took his sleeve by his elbow and gave a small tug. "C'mon," she said softly, and began steering him toward the east tower. It was the opposite direction of their next class, but it was a mostly-unused and unoccupied tower where they could get some privacy. That way, Stefan could say whatever he need to without being disturbed. Imogen honestly didn't care about skipping their next class and hoped Stefan wouldn't either; she'd upset him, and they needed to talk about everything properly, face to face.

"Okay," she said when she was sure they were safely out of earshot. Imogen turned to face him, her eyes wide with worry. "Do you think... do you think we can talk? You can tell me anything, Stefan. About... about New York, about Lyle... anything."

[Stefan Capper]

Stefan didn't argue when Imogen took him gently by the elbow and led him away from the busy classrooms into what he vaguely recognized was the East Tower, and they were alone. It felt like the heavy weight that had settled into his chest--that had been settling into his chest for weeks now, was suddenly gripping vicelike at his lungs, and he couldn't breathe very well through the cloudy eyes and the thrumming headache. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Imogen; Stefan hadn't been much of a talker, perhaps in conversation, but when it came to things that mattered, he had always put his feelings into words, rather than actions. The latter was something that had always been Lyle. Or at least, used to be Lyle.

He let out a breath that sounded more like a sigh than anything and folded his arms in on himself, dropping his gaze down to the floor, scruffing his shoe against it. "Yeah," he whispered, in reply to her question, and frowned, clearing his throat. "I just...

[/color]" Stefan bit his lip and flickered his eyes back up to her. "Do you think Lyle loves me?[/color]"[/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Imogen Sauveterre]

Imogen had to admit that she was utterly perplexed by what came out of Stefan's mouth. Yes, she'd said he could talk about Lyle or anything he wanted, but to be honest, she had expected him to maybe talk about his parents. He'd just lost them, after all. They weren't coming back. She hadn't really met them herself - mostly just quick introductions at the platform... but they wouldn't be there this year, and she wondered if it had hit Stefan yet. Maybe he was focusing on Lyle so much because it was something that he believed he could fix, because no matter what, he couldn't bring his parents back. But "fixing" Lyle wasn't something Stefan could just... kiss away, and maybe that was only making things worse. Imogen didn't know how the two of them were doing, really, since St. Mungo's had happened and then everything up to the holidays all whizzed by in a giant blurry mess of emotions, but she knew Stefan from before then, and before that day in Hogsmeade. And, even though neither of them knew it, she did know Lyle a bit too from their days as pen pals. She remembered the optimistic boy who believed so strongly in love, and it was tragic to see that spark gone. What had happened to Lyle had been a horrible and traumatic ordeal, and she wondered if Stefan and Lyle had talked about it, or if Lyle had discussed it with anyone. If they hadn't, maybe it was the right next step for them.

But none of that really solved her confusion. Still, she couldn't just bluntly change the subject. So Imogen listened to Stefan, and she looked at him sympathetically and nodded her head.

"Yes, Stefan, he does. I know he does. But... what's... why do you think he... I mean, why do you feel like you have to ask me?"

[Stefan Capper]

Of course she'd tell him that. It was the truth. He knew it. And still...

Stefan licked his lips, eyes still downcast and stepped aside to lean a little against a stone wall next to them, flicking at his own shirt with his fingernails, twisting it around. "I don't know," he replied, quietly, and shook his head. "I mean, I know--he's said he loves me, but--it's stupid.

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And embarrassing and he didn't want to be that boy. He didn't want to be needy, and clingy, and wanting for attention all day. He didn't really believe he'd ever been like that, but recently. Without his parents, and with Lyle pulling away, maybe he had been holding on a little tighter than usual. "I just--I just need him right now and he's...[/color]" Another deep breath, swallowing down the tears he wasn't going to shed again. "It's like he doesn't want to be there for me anymore.[/color]"[/blockquote][/blockquote][/color]

[Imogen Sauveterre]

She tried not to feel like an asshole, except... Except she was sort-of being one. Yes, she felt awful that Stefan's parents had died, and she empathised with him and knew he'd be going through hell, if he wasn't already. But it was bothering her that his focus was more on his boyfriend than on his parents being gone. Maybe Imogen couldn't look at it the right way, though. After all, she'd never been in a relationship. She didn't care about any of the guys she'd kissed, with the exception of Benjamin and, ages ago, Leo (but look at how those turned out), and she certainly had never been in love, so maybe she couldn't understand the mindset of wanting to focus on one's boyfriend or relationship whilst ignoring the fact that one's parents were dead. Or... god, she didn't know, but something about the situation just screamed 'wrong' at her. She understood Stefan needing someone right now, and of course his instinct would be to seek the person he loved most - which would be Lyle now - but...

But last she'd checked, Lyle needed help of his own. Lyle had been... god, she hated the word more than she hated any curse, but there was no beating about the bush... Lyle had been raped and abused by a fucking psychotic Death Eater, and later tortured in the hostage crisis at St. Mungo's. It was amazing that Lyle hadn't completely cracked and was still in a relationship at all. But just because he was still dating Stefan and loved him didn't mean that he was okay and "over it". Maybe Stefan didn't realise it, and maybe his parents dying had blocked his ability to see it altogether. Still... Still, Imogen was bothered by his words, and she tried to work around them as delicately as possible.

"Well... Look, I know you're going through hell right now, and... and I'm really, really sorry, but... You have to remember that Lyle needs help too. And I know you love each other, but..." she frowned, knowing Stefan wasn't going to like hearing this, "But you can't expect Lyle to just drop everything and 'be there' for you right now when he has his own baggage to deal with. He loves you, yes. And I'm sure that deep down, he wishes he could help you through this. But maybe what you need isn't something he can give you right now." She put her hand on his shoulder. "And to be honest, Stefan... I think you're deflecting. You're trying to focus on Lyle and your relationship because it's distracting you from what happened. You're trying to keep what you still have and do whatever you can to ensure it stays with you, because it's something you think you can control right now. But Stefan, control isn't something that should be vital in your relationship, especially with Lyle. And you know why. So... I think... I think you need to talk about... what's on your mind and what you feel inside with someone who can help you through it. And yes, I think Lyle needs to do the same. But right now, two people going through their own circles of hell are just going to clash with each other, and neither of you will be able to heal and move on."

Fuck, she didn't know if any of what she said was right, but she really, really hoped it was.

[Stefan Capper]

Stefan wasn't the type of person that dealt with things on his own; it's just not how he'd always dealt with things. He sought help, he had friends he relied on. He was talking to Imogen because he felt lost, and insecure, and unwanted, and he needed the reassurance that that was not the case; he needed somebody to explain the situation to him, to tell him what was going on and how to make it better. Lyle couldn't be that person any more because Lyle was the issue here, and he wasn't nearly that close to Emmeline to ask her for help with something like this. So it was Imogen, whom he'd always come to, his entire life, as long as he could remember, and maybe--he had an inkling that maybe--before that, too. So hearing her say this, that Lyle needed help and that he couldn't expect him to be there for him, it made him frown, and keep staring at the ground, confused, trying to figure out what she meant. Of course Lyle needed help--it wasn't like he didn't see it. It wasn't like he hadn't been the one that'd been at his side from the first moment something ever happened to him, holding his hand through everything and watching him break in front of his very eyes. He'd been there. He knew.

It didn't make sense. "I'm not expecting him to 'drop everything', Imogen," he replied, a little more bitterly than he'd intended, voice coming out a little hoarse from the tightening of his throat, and he cleared it quietly. "I just don't understand--I mean...isn't that what people that love each other do? They're there for each other, they--they talk and hold each other and kiss and just...just let them know that they're not alone! Right? That's how it works!

[/color]" He was crying a little, a tear sliding down the corner of his right eye that he couldn't even be bothered to brush away. "Why wouldn't he be able to give me that? I gave it to him all along. I just want him there, I just need him to show me that he loves me and that--god, I just need to know that he even cares! I feel like I've done something wrong, like--like I'm supposed to be this strong person that Lyle could turn to, right? That I was supposed to always be the bigger person, that I'm supposed to teach him how to read, and help him overcome the things that went w-wrong in his life and I've done that. I've always been that person for him. Imogen, you have no idea,[/color]" he sniffed back his runny nose, shaking his head.

"You have no idea how it killed me to see him get hurt. The first time, and the second, and every moment it was torture to stand there and smile and talk about anything trivial to make him forget, for a moment, to make him smile even if there was little to smile about. But--but I don't know if that's all that Lyle wants me to be, anymore! And now that I can't--that I can't be strong for him on my own, now that I'm the one that needs--that needs him, it's like he--like he doesn't want that anymore. And don't--! Don't talk to me about deflecting anything, okay? I'm trying to deal with this in some way but I can't do that alone![/color]" Stefan swallowed thickly and turned his face away, guilt seeping into his stomach at acting out on Imogen; he knew she was just trying to help but what she was saying wasn't--wasn't helpful, he wasn't deflecting anything. What did she want him to do? Wear black and mourn? He shook his head and sniffled again, wiping at his eyes.

He didn't want to be alone.[/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Imogen Sauveterre]

Well, she'd succeeded in pissing Stefan off, that was for sure. She listened carefully, staying quiet until he seemed like he was done. There was an unpleasant twisting in her stomach, and she knew why: Stefan was acting like Lyle owed him something. Experience in love be damned: Imogen knew that wasn't how relationships worked. The way he spoke about being 'everything' for Lyle bothered her, because Lyle had plenty of other friends. Hell, Jezebel had been one of his best friends before everything, and even though Imogen hadn't known Lyle very well, she'd heard things about him from her cousin to get the impression that he was a pretty happy boy. Stefan had helped him learn how to read, which did give Lyle an advantage in life, but he wasn't the only person who was his emotional rock, like he was the only person who'd made a difference in Lyle's life.

"Listen to me," she finally said, gripping Stefan's shoulders, "You're Lyle's boyfriend, you love each other, and yes, you've been there for him. But maybe Lyle isn't emotionally stable or healthy enough to be your support, and that's not his fault, or your fault. It means that Lyle needs help beyond what his friends can offer, and he needs time to get over what happened. He's not going to forget it, no matter how much you might wish he could. You don't forget something like rape, Stefan, you just don't." She let go of him and folded her arms over her chest. "And Lyle isn't your only friend, Stefan. There are other people here you can talk to. I know when you lose people close to you, you do feel alone and like no one understands, but it's not true, okay? You have friends here who love you and they want you to be okay, they want you to be happy, and they want Lyle to be happy too. But you can't rely on Lyle for this, Stefan. It isn't fair to ask it of him, and he doesn't owe you anything because you were there for him. You weren't the only one. You're boyfriends, yes, but relationships aren't about what you get from the other person for doing a good deed.

I'm sorry you lost your parents. I really am. It's awful, and it shouldn't have happened, and it isn't fair. I don't know how I can help you through this, but I want to. You're one of my best friends, Stefan, and you know that isn't just something I can say to anyone. And I know you're hurting, and I know you feel alone, but you're not. I promise you're not. Maybe Lyle can't give you the support you need, but he's not the only one who cares about you. And you can't hold that against him or think that you did something wrong to make him push away. Something wrong happened to him, more than once. And you have to think about it from his perspective. Maybe Lyle feels like he isn't good enough for you, not because of you but because of what happened. Maybe he feels... tainted, or dirty, or like he disgusts you. I think you need to let him know, even if it's by directly telling him, that that's not true, but you can't expect things to magically turn for the better if you do. Stefan, it'll probably be a long time before he's ready to be truly intimate and emotional with you. It isn't personal, it's just how some people react to trauma. And I hope you don't react to it by isolating yourself or thinking you have to be alone in this," like Benjamin, she added with a mental wince, "because too many people here love you for you to handle this alone."

[Stefan Capper]

There was the word thrown back in his face again. Rape. Stefan flinched and closed his eyes as he folded in on himself, wrapping his arms around his torso and dropping his chin against the top of his chest, wanting to shut her out and go away, but forced himself to listen. Even if nothing she was saying was making sense to him right now. Nothing she was saying was something he wanted to hear. Lyle couldn't be strong enough for him, Lyle needed help, Lyle was raped. Another sob left his lips and he shook his head, taking a step back when Imogen let go off his shoulders. He knew Lyle didn't owe him anything. It wasn't a business deal, it was a relationship. It was just--he'd tried to explain it, but how could he explain something he didn't understand himself? Everything felt insufficient. Like he wanted more than he was getting. Everything. It didn't matter that his aunt and uncle had taken him in, that the house was massive and he had everything he should have wanted; it wasn't enough. He didn't know what he wanted, but it was more than that. And it felt the same with Lyle; something felt missing, and he'd pinpointed it, at some point, he supposed, to affection.

Though, Imogen was saying Lyle wasn't ready to give him that and that hurt more than anything, because yes, he knew. Lyle had been making that pretty clear with the way he'd been pulling away and half of him knew--should know that it was about what had happened, as much as he tried to overlook it. As much as he'd tried to pretend it wasn't that big of a deal from the beginning. He'd told himself it was to ease things for Lyle. Make him pretend nothing was wrong, or everything would go back to being the same, so he'd smile at him. Back at the hospital wing, or in his bedroom after what happened at St. Mungo's. But with everything Imogen was saying, he was beginning to wonder if maybe it'd been for himself as much as he'd been thinking it was for Lyle. Because he hated thinking about it; hated linking Lyle to something so horrible and hated accepting that it had happened, when it was so much easier to hold on to what things had been like before.

'You're hurting', she said, and Lyle might think he's not good enough for him, so Stefan nodded, lips pressed together again, holding back the gasps of breath he suddenly felt like he needed to take, and holding back the tears that had pooled in his eyes, threatening to spill out. But she was there, wasn't she? She wasn't Lyle and she was still standing there, offering to be someone for him, and Stefan dropped his hands and stepped forward to hug her, wrapped his arms around her waist and his forehead into her neck and started crying. He didn't think he'd ever cried in front of her before. But he was crying now. "I'm sorry,

" he sniffed, body shaking a little, shaking his head as well. "I'm so sorry--I didn't mean t-to say that, I don't--I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're right, I--I shouldn't have--I--I know it's hard and I just--I can't--I don't know what to do and it's--I'm so scared of losing him, too. I don't know how to--I just want to be whatever he wants right now, I just--I'm scared and--I'm scared that he's scared and that he's been hurt and I don't--I don't know how to deal with it, Imogen, with any of it, I don't--I love him so much,

[/color]" he whimpered into her shoulder, hands clenching at the back of her robes.

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[Imogen Sauveterre]

Stefan and Imogen had hugged maybe once in their lives, simply because they just weren't the type of friends who hugged. Maybe Stefan was, but Imogen was not a touchy-feely person. She didn't hug - even Ian, she'd only hugged enough times to count on one hand - and she wasn't comfortable with physical contact. But Stefan was hugging her now, and he was cryign into her hair, and Imogen was torn between hugging back or patting him on the back. The hug was probably a better idea, so she went for it and put her arms around his shoulders. "It's all right, okay? Just... Maybe instead of focusing on trying to be what he wants, you figure out what you both need. Talk to each other, or something." Imogen only had so many answers before she started grasping at straws; at this point, she knew she was starting to flail. "Be honest with each other. That's... probably the key thing, right?"

... Right?

[Stefan Capper]

Sniffling a little, Stefan shut his eyes and nodded to Imogen's words about talking and being honest. There really was little else to do at this point, and he knew he was going to have to talk to Lyle at some point if he wanted things to get better at all. He swallowed and sighed, then slowly realized he was still holding onto Imogen and felt a flush creep up his neck; embarrassed, he dropped his arms and ducked his face as he stepped back, lifting a hand up to it to wipe away at his reddened eyes, sniffing back tears. "Y-yeah," he agreed quietly, licking his lips and wiping his wet hands on the back of his trousers, not quite meeting her eye and suddenly remembering very sharply why he didn't like crying in front of other people.

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