sinner like me

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

I need to enlist your help in getting revenge on a mudblood for unlawful and unethical possession of my Yule Ball date. You're the smartest girl I know.

Also, how is your break? It's positively dreadful over here, my mother simply won't leave me alone about Yule, and it's not like I can tell her what happened. It's humiliating! Humiliating! Oh, Vivi, I hope your time at the ball went better than mine.

Sincerely,

_vivi

[vivi]

Revenge on a Mudblood? I'm intrigued. Tell me every nasty, naughty little thing she did.

Hm. My night was fine, until the crowning of the Yule Court. I don't know who decided that that Mudblood was worthy of Duchess. Apparently she's just as poor as those ghastly Prewetts and Weasleys. And those other Mudbloods being crowned Prince and King... Honestly, this school is falling apart.

My break is going rather well, though. I'm staying with my mother, and have been having frequent visits with my cousin. You're well-acquainted with Jezebel, I presume? We've even dyed our hair together. I suppose you'll see once we get back to school.

And you, Serena? Are you planning on making any changes to your appearance over the holidays?

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

She guilted my date, Calixto Bailer, into saving a dance for her. I couldn't believe it! I am trying to make Calixto into a model pureblood man who doesn't abandon me for a mudblood. I hate her, Vivi. I want to turn her skin purple. I want to make her entire body bubble with puss-filled zits. I want to grow carbuncles on her face. I hate her. Help me make her regret she was born.

Oh, don't even get me started on that travesty! I was disgusted, Vivi. Just to think that such filth is praised in our school... I told my mother all about it and she said it was horrid and she's going to write to Professor Dumbledore and complain. Maybe we should stage a protest. Narcissa should have been Princess, obviously. And you should have been Duchess.

I've blocked this year's Yule Court from my memory, honestly. Let's not talk about it.

Quite, yes. Jezebel and I are good friends. She's been well, I trust? Oh, what color did you dye it? ...Mother says a lady should never dye her hair.

I hadn't planned to but... should I?

Sincerely,

[vivi]

Dear Serena,

If there is anything I know about revenge, it is that it's always sweeter to hit someone where it hurts. With girls, it often isn't with their appearance - that may only anger her into getting revenge on you. With girls, it tends to hurt them more when you hurt them emotionally. Support her, be her best friend, and then you snog the daylights out of this Calixto fellow in plain sight of her and make it known that he is yours. Should be easy now that you know how to properly snog, no?

As much as I would love a protest to push toward a proper crowning, I also believe it could insult the newly-crowned. What if, perhaps, Narcissa believes her crowning is an act of pity? Or she is perceived as a spoiled brat who whines until she gets her way? The trick is to make the ones who have the crown wish they didn't.

Nonsense. A true lady wants to be the very best she can be, doesn't she? Finding oneself is the result of experimentation. How will you know if you look more desirable as a blonde or a brunette if you don't try them both? Honestly, what's next? A lady never cuts her hair? A lady never takes the hair off her legs? Serena, mummy doesn't always know best.

If you like.

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

That's a very good point, only... I'm not sure if I could display our affection publicly. Of course there is the question of my honor, not to mention, I'm not sure if he's interested in me that way. I mean, if he was, he wouldn't have danced with that clodpole, right?

You're right, as usual. So, how do we do it?

I suppose. I guess I've never found anything wrong with it, but I'm not sure I'd like to do it.

Mother always tells me my hair is too pretty to tamper with. Do you think so, Vivi?

Sincerely,

[vivi]

Dear Serena,

Perhaps he did it to make you jealous. Or else he's simply a dunce and you're wasting your time on him. What has you so drawn to this bloke anyway? Wealth? Power? Sex appeal? Do you want to jump him, Serena?

Talk about it when they're within earshot, but act as if you don't know they are. "Oh, I don't know how that cow got crowned, she's not who I voted for and I don't know anyone who did." "I think she clearly won because of favouritism. She's a spoiled brat who's used to getting everything she wants. Why not a crown too?" "I think it was a pity vote, if anything." Stuff like that.

I don't think you have the skin colour to suit brunette. I believe if you went any darker than your natural blonde, you may look like a vampire. Or a hag.

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

I don't suppose I could jump him. The poor boy wouldn't ever be able to catch me. He looks stronger than he is, you know. Which is a good thing, I think, because while a pureblood gentleman should rightly be able to protect his household, he shouldn't be plebian. There's a difference between brawny and common.

But to answer your question, I can't really think of all the things that attract me to him. He's from a good pureblood family, of course, and is sweet and kind––a kind of boy that could take care of me, but that I could take care of too. And he's older, and everyone knows older boys are better. He's handsome as well, so there's no question of whether or not we'd have ugly children (important to consider early on). He's innocent and naive but the kind of husband I could nevertheless be proud of for his other achievements, while I meanwhile worked on improving the shortcomings (but discreetly, so as to not harm his pride). In short, Vivi? He is utter perfection, and everything a young lady like me should desire in a spouse.

Oh, that is a splendid idea, Vivi! I will most certainly try it when we return from holiday.

Well we certainly don't want that. If I were to not look my absolute best on every occasion, there's no telling how much damage that little chit Grace Marlow could do to Calixto. I'll be content to leave my hair alone, then, but I'm sure yours and Jezebel's looks absolutely fabulous.

Sincerely,

[vivi]

Serena,

By "jump", I did not mean to literally leap upon him and squash him. I meant to throw yourself at him in a way that was aggressive-yet-classy. In a word: seductive. Personally, I quite like the men with thicker muscle. That means there's more of him to dig cling to.

Older and handsome? At least he has that going for him. Though for you to describe him as naive must really mean that he's easy to manipulate. Perhaps that's just what this Miss Marlow is doing. Pardon my crudeness, but perhaps she's merely fucking with him to fuck with you. Does she hold a personal grudge against you outside of your affiliation with this Calixto?

Perhaps what you need to do is give her a not-so-gentle push away from your man, Serena. If subtlety and advising her to stay away from him don't work, fear is always a great motivator. A better one is guilt. The best is self-loathing. Do you understand what I'm saying?

We do.

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

Oh. Well, I––I'm not quite certain I thought about that. I've never tried to be seductive before. How do you go about that?

I mean it in the most endearing way possible. You know, I hadn't thought of that. I don't recall having done anything to so inspire a grudge but it's possible. I've hated her for quite some time now, such an annoying girl she is, and mudblood too. I'll tell you, Vivi, she has got absolutely nothing going for her. ...Vivi, do you think she's put a love potion on Calixto? Oh––wait. No, that can't be. She's not smart enough to brew one of those successfully. Well, if it isn't that, she must be manipulating him somehow. But... how? And how can I best her at her own game?

Inspire her to be afraid of me, guilt her into staying away from him, make her hate herself... that's what you're saying? Oh, what a delightfully easy task that will be. I can be very intimidating when I ask mother to get involved, and I inherited her strength at making people feel bad. Not to mention, the list of things Marlow should hate about herself goes on and on and I would be more than happy to share them with her.

How do I start?

Sincerely,

[vivi]

Serena,

The stereotypical way is to wear tight-fitting, revealing clothing, and though it's easy enough to do, your body is still too childlike to pull anything like that off. Don't focus on your appearance until you've gone through puberty. As I said, be aggressive. Show him who's boss. Men love it when women take control and take what they want. You want him. Spend time with him. "Forgive" him for his mishap at the ball, but never forget. Keep it in the back of your mind for the next time he fucks up. Hold it over his head with a list of other things you've allowed him to get away with.

Think about Calixto. What would someone such as he like in a girl such as her? He seems like the sort who likes bunny slippers and cuddling under blankets without the sneaky fun of subtly touching each other underneath. Is she that sort of girl?

You won't like my suggestion. In fact, you'll hate it. I'm not sure you're even capable of pulling it off, but I suppose if you're desperate and you would be willing to do whatever it took to get her away from him and have him all to yourself, it would be worth it. The ends justify the means, after all.

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

Oh, I see. Well... I do always try to look my best. Is that enough for now? I have to always look better than her, which isn't that difficult of a task in and of itself but, I should strive to look even better when I think I may run into him? I can forgive him for what he did as long as I get to use it for leverage later, I suppose. I'll need to think of some appropriate venues for courting. Unfortunately we'll have to limit it to the grounds. How about a Wizard's chess tournament? Or perhaps Gobstones, though those can be messy.

I'm not sure. She seems to be the type of girl not worth employing as laundry staff, if you ask me. But maybe she is one of those... mundane sorts. That's it, isn't it? Well, I'm certainly not going to become mundane for Calixto, but I can prove to him why we magical folk are more exciting.

It sounds utterly perfect already, like the plot of a romance novel! Oh please, Vivi, tell me! I'm sure I can do it.


Sincerely,

[vivi]

Serena,

The trick is to look stunning while looking natural. As much as we girls love to dress ourselves up, the males apparently prefer less make-up. If you're going to style yourself to appeal to him, you must take into account what he likes in a lady. Perhaps he likes messy, and likes girls who aren't afraid to get messy. Haven't you ever been dirty, Serena? Haven't you ever taken off your shoes and sunk your feet into the sand? Haven't you ever thrown mud at someone you loathe and not care about your own dirty hands because of how much fun it was? Perhaps if you get dirty with him, he'll help you clean up in more ways than one.

Very well.

Befriend her. Not for real of course, but make her believe it. Extend to her an olive branch, make peace, and then spend time with her. There's no better way to learn one's insecurities and failings than to get to truly know them inside and out. Then, once she trusts you, start to subtly slip in comments like we discussed before, only this time say them almost kindly, as though you're merely concerned "as a friend". And when the time is right and Calixto is yours, feel free to humiliate her and make her feel like a damn fool.

Such fun.

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

I suppose I could try it. I've just got to find out if he likes messy after all. What else could he like, if not messy or clean? The act of courting is such a trying one, Vivi, I can scarcely believe it. We ladies make such sacrifices for men.

And you think this will work? It wouldn't be easy but... I think it could be done. I'm a good liar, you know. My mother always said I would make a lovely actress, if acting wasn't a whore's trade.

Sincerely,

[vivi]

Serena,

Aside from hiring a Legilimens to find those answers for you, you'll simply have to find out for yourself. Experiment. Don't be afraid to try different things, even if they're dirty or terrify you.

Acting, lying, it's all the same thing. And you know what they say, don't you, Serena? 'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.' Of course, if all this brings you your Calixto, they may come off anyway. I would advise you to start wearing nice knickers on a daily basis, just in case.

[Serena Lovelace]

Dearest Vivi,

Well... I'll work on it. May I come to you for help periodically if I must? I don't mean to be a pest, it's just that you're the smartest girl I know and probably one of the only ones I really trust for help in these sorts of things.

Oh, I'm not sure if I own any... fancy ones. Will white lace do the job?

Sincerely,