Hope with me

[jada]

[Jada Khan's Diary]

[jada]

I Live to see the sunrise every day.

[jada]

I live to laugh so hard until milk comes out my nose.

[jada]

I live to sing to the world.

[jada]

I live to do a good deed.

[jada]

Dear Winston,

for that is what I have named you. All my other diaries are worn out with use and love, and they had really exotic, goofy names. I thought giving you a distinguished, stuffy name that is entirely unlike myself would be fun. And, I would feel like I was writing to an actual person different from me who could help me. So.

I shamefully must admit I have been feeling awfully bad for myself lately. I reallly would like to be outside, playing in the sun with my friends, talking to some really cute boys from another wizarding school. But I'm here in this bed, and people keep poking me with pesky needles and my head and chest always hurt. I wish they would go away. Sometimes I think I hate them. But then I remember, they are just trying to help. That usually makes those bad feelings go away. I'm still sad though, does that make me a bad person? I have so many blessings. After all, there could be someone else in this bed, like my sister. So, I'm happy. I'm happy just to be alive.

[jada]

Noah visited me today! I don't know how he found out I was here, I was kind of trying to keep it a secret. He said he's coming tomorrow too. I hope so, I miss my friends. He's watching me right now as I write, and he has his worried face on. That's why I didn't want my friends to know. I don't like them to worry, it doesn't change things. Only hope. I'm going to put you away now, because he has that no-good smile on his face, like he's going to steal you away to take a peek. we can't have that.

P.S. - I might not write in you tomorrow, it was considerably harder to pick you up today.

P.P.S. - don't miss me too much![/color]

[jada]

I asked them to let me go outside today. They pushed me out so I could sit on the balcony. The sunrise was amazing. I always liked sunrises so much more than sunsets, because they remind me that everything is the start of something new. Everything. Sunrises make people think of endings, and those don't really exist.

Everything is the start of something new. So I shouldn't be scared Winston. I should be excited, what a great adventure it would be.

But...... sometimes it's hard not to be scared when everyone else looks so scared.

[jada]

I don't feel so good. And I don't want to go. I'm not ready, and these doctors certainly aren't ready either. I think they're getting close, I heard them talking to my mother, they've narrowed down the possibilities drastically. But I feel so weak today, like I could just float away and not even notice until I was half way in the sky. Megan looks so sad, I don't want her to be.

And I am scared, Winston. I don't want to die.

[jada]

It's a genetic disorder, it's very rare. Which means my sisters could get it because it shows up in young teen years, like mine did. But I don't think they will, it's not common. I'm so happy to finally know what it is!!!!! And they are already starting to treat me for it. It's times like these that remind me how lucky I am to be a witch. If I were a muggle and these were muggle doctors, they wouldn't be able to help me.

I'm going to be okay, I have a purpose here and whatever it is, I'm not finished yet.

Today is going to be a very, very good day.

[jada]

I love my friends. I'm writing lots and lots of owls to them now. It can get boring in here. I feel so much better already and the doctors say I can go back to school when term starts. That totally made my day! I can't think of anything better. Oooh! Except that Rose came to visit me because I kinda had to tell her what was going on and she has a date! There are TWO boys fighting for her attention. Not that I'm shocked, Rose is hot! She came and I picked out her outfit and it was ssoo much fun. And Kasey, Kasey has her eye on a boy too!

I'm super thankful that at least they are having fun this summer. And I miss them, I miss everyone.

Oh my god I'm so excited to go back to school.

[jada]

I may have bitten off more than I could chew the other day. So Lucius Malfoy had his birthday party and as a formality he invited me and since I'm in the hospital, I couldn't go (thankfully). Um, but I lost his address. I know. Anyway Indigo entrusted me with her owl Rebel ever since she left and he's cute, but...I think he's taken one too many blows to the head over his many years and he can't find locations on his own. Yes, magic owls can read directions. Any way. So I do have the Blacks so I wrote to Regulus to ask him if he could just tell Lucius I was sorry and he said no.

Rude.

But I was feeling particularly ambitious and there was this one time that he was nice to me so I tried to strike up conversation. I know it's crazy and I feel totally bonkers even writing this but I think Regulus has some good in him. It's just you know, that detention thing wasn't so bad and with what Indigo told me, I know he's a good person. I think. This is reallllly hard he's always making sexual innuendos and you have no idea how hard it is for me to not get mean Winston. But I'm going to try, I want him to know that there are people out there who really will accept him for who he is, not who he's supposed to be.

But there's this feeling in my stomach that says this is going to end very badly.

[jada]

Shopppping! Shopping, Winston. I was released from the hospital the other day and my mom still coddled me but she promised today we could go on a shopping spree as a reward! A reward for what though, surviving? I didn't ask because I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I can't think of what else she meant, and it's kind of silly to be rewarded for something that you can't control. Anyhoo I got so many cute shoes and an amazing dress and I cannot wait to show them off. I won't have too either because I've been invited to Andromeda Black's party.

I know it's strange but I haven't seen anyone my age and you can't say you'll hate it until you go. I used to really like her but she's gotten mean. I can understand, it's terrible pressure to be a pureblood. I'm so lucky I have the family I do. I'll go to this party and I'll show them what great people the Khans are. Yeah. That's what I'll do.

Eeeee I'm so excited to be FREEE!!!!!

That was scary. It really was.

[jada]

It's time for school! Oh today was sooo amazing. Except for that small part where my parents wouldn't let me ride on the train and I had to go with them like I was five and I missed the sorting ceremony. I'm a prefect so I felt like such a bad greeter for not being right there at the table with a smile on my face. But that's okay! I was waiting in the commons room when it was over and I got to see Rose and oh my god Kasey! It was so much fun. It was like I never had to leave.

Except someone leaked that I had been sick and everyone was asking me how I was and they were afraid to touch me. I am very angry with whoever did that because I like my hugs and don't appreciate being deprived of them.

I'm really happy to be back at school though. Like really, really happy.

Everything is going to be just like it used to be, wait and see.

[jada]

"Living life to the fullest means being willing to fall even when you don't know where you'll land."

-Me