((de.tout.mon.coeur))

[jackiefontaine]

L a t e r . . .

I don't know what he expected me to do. I really don't.

I had gone to the Quidditch Pitch, only really because I was looking for Ethan, and I had gone everywhere else, and how was I supposed to know that he was going to be there? Better question, how was I really supposed to react to anything that he said to me? Because, really, after walking out on me after I had just done the dumbest thing in my life... did he expect me to be all sunshine and daisies?

Hell, if he knew anything about me, he'd know that there are never any sunshine and daisies. I tried to-- Particularly after what happened most recently.

And... Okay, so, yes, I felt it, too, but I was... I'm freaking scared, and he doesn't seem to get that. When I walked away from him, I felt like... like I had kicked a puppy or something, he looked so... so fucking disappointed, and I'm just... I can't...

I'm tired of disappointing people, but I can't do this to him, either. It's not fair. I'm a mess, and Emery deserves so much better than that.

It doesn't help that I'm pretty sure I've developed feelings for him.

I mean... his girlfriend just died this past summer, and... and he's still in love with her, and that's not fair for me to try and--

Putain.[/color][/blockquote]

[jackiefontaine]

Vingt-Trois
The Reconciliation
?

So.

Apparently, he can swallow his pride and talk to me.








Okay, I can't even continue to be mad at him anymore. I really... I just can't. I can't sit here, writing in this stupid diary, and pretend that I am not smiling like a fucking idiot because Ethan talked to me today. I can't even think negatively about him anymore. I'm just so freaking relieved that things are slowly going back to normal. And I can't even complain about how slow things are moving, because they're moving, and that's what matters. Everything else doesn't matter anymore, because Ethan... Ethan's back, and we're going to the ball together, and... and...

And we're going to the BALL together. How stupid is that?

... I really did try, but... really, a ball? Granted, I would have been ecstatic to go to a ball months ago, back when the only things that seemed important were clothes and shoes and... and the materialistic things that I used to hide myself, but now... now it's all out in the open, and a ball will just make me feel horribly exposed.

I mean.

What the fuck am I supposed to wear?

[/color][/blockquote]

[jackiefontaine]

Vingt-Quatre
The First Kiss

I'm an idiot.

He's an idiot.

And apparently, when idiots are being idiots, they idiotically kiss each other.

Then the boy idiot breaks the girl idiot's heart, and she's still supposed to wait for him.

And the girl idiot, being an idiot, agrees.

[/color][/blockquote]

[jackiefontaine]

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da da-da
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is....broken

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry.

Da da da da, da da da da
da da da da-da da
Please, please don't leave me

Baby please don't leave me
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this.
Please, don't leave me
No.
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Please, don't leave me

[/b][/blockquote]

^{"Please Don't Leave Me" lyrics © P!nk}

[jackiefontaine]

" For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been. "

[/font][/b][/color]

[jackiefontaine]

UNDER RECONSTRUCTION.

>> Basically, I got extremely lazy with Jackie's diary, and... the chaos of it all is sort of driving me a little insane. So, to ease my way into my summer mentality, I've decided to make her journal my pet-project. Yes, yes, I am further delaying my posting time in order to do this, but I figured this would be the best thing to help out all of my muse. I promise to get replies to the people owed as quickly as possible. Thanks. <<[/blockquote]

[jackiefontaine]

R E A R R A N G I N G

Quatorze
The Decision

Allongé, le corps est mort,
Pour des milliers c'est un homme qui dort,
A moitié, pleine est l'amphore,
C'est à moitié vide qu'on la voit sans effort,
Voir la vie, son côté pile,
Oh philosophie, dis-moi des élégies.
Le bonheur, lui me fait peur,
D'avoir tant d'envies,
Et j'ai un souffle au coeur, aussi ...

I make everyone around me miserable. Between Leo and now Sebastian... Mon dieu, I have spent years trying to figure out the cause of my problems, of my family's problems... Years analyzing and attempting to make sense of everything, and it only took one moment-- one chance meeting in Diagon fucking Alley --to finally see it.

I'm the cause. I'm the reason. I'm the problem.

Here's the proof:

x] Mother: I'm the living, breathing reminder of why the only man she ever truly loved left her. I look just like him. I'm named after him...

x] Leo: I'm the only thing standing in his way of closure; of happiness. I'm the reason he doesn't have a father.

x] Sebastian: I broke his trust before we even had the chance to be friends. I'm the one person who could have understood, and I chose to be selfish.

x] Ethan: Okay. So maybe I don't make him miserable. Yet. It's bound to happen eventually.

[/s]

They only say they care about me because they have to. My mother has to love me, my brother has to care about me. Ethan probably only pities me, and Sebastian made it awfully clear just how horrible of a person I am. And everyone else? Ha. I was nothing but a charity case to Amory Kerr. I was nothing but entertainment to Jacob Edwards... my entire life is based off of the fact that people just... humor me. They just-- they just enable me. And for what? I'm wasting all of their time and effort and-- I'm just. I'm a waste of time.

All these people say they love me, and I've never felt so alone in my life...[/color][/blockquote]

C'est une belle journée,
Je vais me coucher,
Une si belle journée, qui s'achève,
Donne l'envie d'aimer, mais, je vais me coucher,
Mordre l'éternité, à dents pleines,
C'est une belle journée,
Je vais me coucher,
Une si belle journée, souveraine,
Donne, l'envie de paix,
Vois des anges à mes pieds, mais,
Je vais me coucher, m'f'aire la belle ...

I...

I can't...

I just can't do this anymore...

Allongé, le corps est mort,
Pour des milliers, c'est un homme qui dort,
A moitié, pleine est l'amphore,
C'est à moitié vide, que je la vois encore,
Tout est dit puisqu'en amour, si c'est du lourd,
Si le coeur léger, les élégies toujours,
Les plaisirs, les longs, les courts,
Vois-tu mon amour,
Moi j'ai le souffle court, vois-tu ...

Tomorrow.

I'll go to classes so as not to raise suspicion.
I'll use that curse I found ages ago.
It'll be painful. It'll be bloody. It'll be a fucking spectacle.

It still won't be enough.

I suppose all that's left to do is get my affairs in order.
Ha. That'll take me a whole minute-and-a-half.

Still. I suppose I should leave something.
In case someone actually cares.

Really, I'm just being selfish. I'm only really leaving anything because I'd like to think that someone could care, even though I know they can't. Don't. Won't.

God. I'm such a selfish, horrible person.
So really, what's the point?

Belle,
La vie est belle,
Comme une aile,
Qu'on ne doit froisser,
Belle,
La vie est belle,
Et je vais là,
Belle,
La vie est belle,
Mais la mienne ...
Elle, j'entre en elle,
Et mortelle, va ...

_{"C'est une belle journée" lyrics © Mylène Farmer}

[jackiefontaine]

R E A R R A N G I N G

Okay.

x] Packed my things --> easy transition; I don't want it to be like after he died. Everything valuable is packed up nicely, and will be easy to just hand over. No time to dwell or grieve or whatever. I'm not worth it.

x] Curse -->Aptueklis; Pronounced: ap-TOO-ehk-liss (will do the job, stop the clotting, make it particularly hard to heal).

x] Place --> abandoned bathroom; the ghost really won't care. She'll be too busy drowning in her own problems. (DO NOT COME BACK AS GHOST. Ruins the whole point.)

x] Directly after classes --> bring bag and diary.

I don't feel regretful about this decision, but something does feel a bit off-- oh. Right.

x] Write a note. --> To mother? (No, no... too busy) To Leo? (No-- he doesn't deserve it)...

Well. Even though I'm sure he doesn't care... he'll be getting it. I trust him with it.

[/color][/blockquote][/quote]

[jackiefontaine]

R E A R R A N G I N G

Okay.

x] Packed my things --> easy transition; I don't want it to be like after he died. Everything valuable is packed up nicely, and will be easy to just hand over. No time to dwell or grieve or whatever. I'm not worth it.

x] Curse -->Aptueklis; Pronounced: ap-TOO-ehk-liss (will do the job, stop the clotting, make it particularly hard to heal).

x] Place --> abandoned bathroom; the ghost really won't care. She'll be too busy drowning in her own problems. (DO NOT COME BACK AS GHOST. Ruins the whole point.)

x] Directly after classes --> bring bag and diary.

I don't feel regretful about this decision, but something does feel a bit off-- oh. Right.

x] Write a note. --> To mother? (No, no... too busy) To Leo? (No-- he doesn't deserve it)...

Well. Even though I'm sure he doesn't care... he'll be getting it. I trust him with it.

[/color][/blockquote]

[jackiefontaine]

R E A R R A N G I N G

_{Lyrics © P!nk, "One Foot Wrong"}

Am I sweating
All these tears on my face
Should I be hungry?
I cant remember the last time that I ate.
Call someone
I need a friend to take me down

But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me
Who's gonna find me
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me
When I'm gone.

Does anyone see this
Lucky me
I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line I put my money down
Some freedom
Is the tiniest cell in town

But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me
Who's gonna find me
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me
When I'm gone.

Cher Ethan,

First off, this will not be an explanation. There is really, honestly nothing to explain. I had no other option. No, the reason I'm writing this is for purely selfish reasons. I'd like to believe that you cared, and I'm leaving you this on the off-chance that-- for once in my life --something I believed was actually quite true and possible. Even if you don't, I'll still die believing you did. Again, I'm really just being selfish here. I want to die at least slightly comforted by the fact that there was a chance that my life meant something to someone. Or, someone else, rather. It doesn't mean much to me.

See? It's better this way. Everyone will see that, because as soon as I'm gone, things will get better. Leo can read the letter, my mother won't have to be reminded of my father every time she looks at me, and, well, you won't have to be burdened by my problems. My mother will still have Leo; the only family she's ever truely loved besides my father. Leo will get his closure. I don't have friends. I doubt the "enemies" I have gained over the years will mourn at all-- and me? I'll get that comfort... that relief... I'll be free, Ethan.

I mean, it would only be fair, right? Unhappy in life, happy in death. It's completely logical. It's the only thing that's made sense to me in a good long time, Ethan.

Take Care,
Jacks
Jackie

P.S. I'm sorry, but I'm just not that Jacks anymore.

[/blockquote]

Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side near this
If its it bad
Is it always my fault
Did somebody bring me down
Did somebody bring me down
Did somebody bring me down

One foot wrong
I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me
Who's gonna find me
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me
When I'm gone.

Have to love me when I'm gone
When I'm gone
Have to love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone

[/quote]