Confessions of a Teenage Drama [Geek]- Amory Kerr

[amory]

So, you found my Journal, guess you just decided to ignore the fading gold letters imprinted on the black leather covering that read 'Property of Amory Kerr.' Look, I know you think you know what your getting into, but I'm not so sure. I'm not gonna say don't read on, because really I wouldn't have bothered writing all this down if I didn't want someone to read it eventually. This journal is a key to the inner workings of my mind, so if you think your ready for that by all means read on.

[amory]

It's my 5th year here and I really don't have much to show for the time...at least not socially. Academically I have a whole new wealth of knowledge about a world I never new existed and I'm learning magic years ahead of where I should be, but despite the fact that I can name most of my classmates and I'm relatively confident most of them can do the same...or at least recognize they no me from somewhere, I have few actual friends. I guess the plus side of that is more time to write in my journal.

I thought...I hoped coming to this school would be the fresh start I needed to finally 'break out of my shell' as mom puts it. But I guess wizard or muggle I'm still the same old me. But maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I mean I have a few pretty good friends, they just have other friends to hang out with outside of class, which is fine. I've always been able to take care of my self...I've always kept from getting to close to people to make sure I could do that.

The problem is any friend I've gotten close to always leaves...ok so it's only happened twice so far, but how many more times do I need it to happen before I get the hint? Whatever, it's not a big deal, and I get on fine with pretty much everyone here I have fun hanging out with people sometime, and it's all fine. I let people talk to me, I listen, I make them laugh when there sad and it makes me feel better to. Helping people has always made me feel better. And if I ever need to talk there's always Artemis (for you new readers that's my owl's name).

I guess the hardest part is meals...I still sit alone most of the time. Sometimes I just don't go. I'll go after everyone is done, sneak into the kitchens and the house elves will get me something. I remember how I used to want to try and free them all, until I actually talked to to them and saw that they were happy working at Hogwarts without pay...it still doesn't seem right, but I'm trying to get used to it. I guess that's always my excuse here though 'I'm just trying to get used to it,' but this place isn't new to me anymore, I can navigate the castle as well as anyone, moving staircases and secret passages included. Well I've only found a few secret passage ways, but from what I hear theres loads of 'em.

Well, I think that's enough venting for now. I'll check back in and probably be happier than ever for some stupid reason. Maybe a girl I like will smile at me in the hall or I'll get positive feedback in one of my classes, or maybe if I'm really lucky I'll have gotten a detention and made a new friend. Any combination of the three will also be acceptable, but until then...Amory, out.

[amory]

So, the Yule Ball is tonight, and surprise, surprise; I'm here. Truth is I never really intended to go, but that doesn't make this place any less empty. I've never been big on dances, I mean the girls always look so beautiful and I'll get to smile and say hi to a bunch of people, but then all the girls run back to their dates, and if they don't have dates, they cluster into groups of single girls. (As if trying to approach one of them alone wasn't hard enough.)

So I spend most of the night sipping punch and watching everyone else have fun, and if I'm lucky I'll get a pity dance from a girl who feels sorry for me...or I'll grant one to a girl who is not exactly what I would call attractive. I know I'm not really in a position to judge, but I'm not unattractive, just and awkward dorky kid.

Besides it's not like I have anything to wear anyway...I mean I do, but it's what I wore last year, and not like I think anyone will remember that, I just don't know I feel like putting on last years outfit condemns me to repeat last years unexciting events...I know how it sounds, but that sort of logic really shouldn't seem surprising at this point...maybe I should have asked someone. But honestly, who could I have asked?

Let me rephrase that, who could I have asked that actually would have said yes? I mean, any girl I would feel comfortable asking would be my friend and if she says no it's just awkward and anyone who isn't my friend, probably wouldn't even know my name...

Whatever, I'm going for a walk, I need some fresh air...Amory, out.

[amory]

I'm starting to realize my diary journal's always end up giving a pretty skewed image of me because I never think to write unless I'm miserable and alone. Actually I don't right unless something bad has happened. I mean miserable and alone is kind standard for me and nothing's really going on so there's never much to right about, then something good will happen and I won't think to write about it until that good time is gone. This entry is a perfect example.

The good news is I actually had a girlfriend and it wasn't because I finally decided to settle for one of my not-so-attractive admirers. I was out having a snowball fight with Vas, who is one of those girls I always thought way too attractive to ever take the slightest interest in me, and we were only friends on days like this one when she didn't have other friends to hang out with, which makes her sound much meaner than she is, I just meant that we weren't that close. But anyway, as we're walking to the kitchens she stopped...and then we kissed and it was incredible and then we just, decided to start dating. I mean it was really unbelievable. And apparently I'm a really good kisser...she liked to tell me that.

Anyway, we broke...sort of. She left. She had to go home or something...She left me a note explaining. A note. That's how my first girlfriend breaks up with me, by leaving me a note telling me how great I am, but that she's gone and never coming back. I hate it when people do that. Try and tell me I'm a nice guy to make up for whatever bad news their telling me.

It hurts...a lot. I haven't lost someone like this in...awhile. Vas said I shouldn't blame myself, but how can I not when she didn't even come to say goodbye in person? What kind of boyfriend must I really have been for her to even be able to just leave like that? I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how this is supposed to go, but I think I'm gonna go lay down...it's only 3 in the afternoon, but I really can't think of anything I want to do than lay down in my bed fall asleep, and hope this is just a bad dream...or a joke...Amory, out

[amory]

One week. One week since Vas left me with nothing but that bloody note. I've been carrying it around my pocket, but no matter how many times I read, or where on campus I read it the words are still the same. I know its ridiculous but I'm actually upset at the letter for always saying the same thing. Despite all my knowledge I'm actually disappointed that the words on the page haven't changed. The other day I actually pulled out my wand, forced the words to change, I made it sorry, over and over again, then I filled the parchment with the words 'I love you' always leaving her signature there at the bottom as if it would mean she had actually written the new note that said she would never dream of leaving me, that she loved me so much and that we would always be together. It was torture and I knew it. I made it say 'I miss you,' 'I made a mistake,' 'I'll be back soon.' I was forcing her to lie to me via parchment. And finally I made it say that she never really loved me or even cared about me at all, that she was just playing with me the whole time and that she knew about Marlene. And then I returned the original words, crumpled the page and threw it off the bed.

I suppose I should explain about Marlene. A few days before Vas left I ran into Hogwarts resident Aphrodite, Marlene McKinnon. She was upset, and I was comforting her, and to thank me, she gave me, a strictly platonic kiss. It was totally amazing innocent, but taken out of context could have looked bad. I don't think Vas ever found out. I would have told her, but he left before I could work up the nerve and now all I think about is how this is karma kicking me in the ass for being such a crappy boyfriend. I mean it wasn't like we snogged of anything, but should have stopped her...she was just so sad, and it just sort of...happened. Whatever, it was a one time thing, it's not like anything like that will ever happen again. I just figures that I just so happen to catch Marlene McKinnon in a rare vulnerable moment when for the first time in my life I have someone who would actually care that she kissed me.

I just want to know if she knows. Was she just mocking me when she said what a great boyfriend I was. This is hell. This entire week has been hell. I can't think of anything but Vas, how easily the letter can be made to sound sarcastic, all the little mistakes I made, that one time I was staring at that Slytherin girl because she had something on her blouse and I was trying to figure out what it was, the way my hand sweated sometimes forcing me to keep them in my pockets so Vas couldn't touch them, just little things, and of course the big one with Marlene. I mean as it is I'm always on an emotional roller coaster, this week they just upped the speed 100 fold. I go from pissed off to nostalgic to depressed, to irritated, to confused, to pretty much any other emotion on the sadness/anger spectrum.

I just. I want to go back, stop so many things, change things, and change nothing. I don't know what I want, I think I may be losing my mind. I need some air. I'm headed to the whomping willow...hopefully my memories of Vas won't follow me...Amory, out.