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Post by emery on Dec 6, 2008 16:00:44 GMT -5
Emery OlivierI took my first breath eighteen years ago
'Been in this school for seven
I'll never tell your secrets
And you'll probably never know mine
Heart-break can change you
I should know.INSIDE COVERBonjour,
If you are reading this, I suggest you put my journal down this insant. What this book contains are all my thoughts and my feelings -trust me, you do not want to read them. Thus, kindly close this book and just walk away.
Merci.
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Post by emery on Dec 7, 2008 6:52:12 GMT -5
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Post by emery on Dec 7, 2008 7:50:46 GMT -5
date; 15th June 1976
time; 12:45 p.m. [/i] Mon dieu...mon dieu...mon dieu...
Jil...she's...gone...Jil...
Merde, I'm going to be s
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Post by emery on Dec 7, 2008 7:57:06 GMT -5
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Post by emery on Dec 7, 2008 8:21:37 GMT -5
[OoC: WARNING: Emery swears a lot in this entry. xD]   date; 17th June 1976
time; 6:20 p.m.[/i] Big boys don't cry, right? That's the saying, at least. Well, I guess I'm still a kid then. I don't think I've ever wept this hard before in my life, and for so long...I think I'm still in a state of shock, even though it happened two days ago...and can you blame me? Jillian's gone...she's gone. I'm never going to be able to hold her again...never going to smell her beautiful, apple-green scented hair, never going to taste her, and mon dieu it hurts...it hurts so much. I feel like a part of me has died with her...I can't...I just can't live without her.
Oh Jillian...
Seeing her there...Merlin it's...terrible...Her face...her blank eyes...her eyes aren't ever supposed to look like that...It's like the warmth and the light in them that I remembered so well was suddenly snuffed out...and by those...those...those f*cking bastards. Those - ordures...they...took her away...they...they...
I f*cking hate them, all of them.
They took her away from me. They took away my oxygen, my sunshine...I need her. I can't survive without her. Oh God, Jilly, why'd you have to die? Why did you...why did you leave me? Why you? Why couldn't it have been anyone else but you?
Mon coeur...it hurts...God, it hurts so much. It feels like it's been broken up into tiny little pieces...and there's no one to put them back together...no one who can put them back together...
To the person who killed her: va t'faire mètt, connard. I swear, if I meet just one of those f*cking Death Eaters I will not hesitate to kill them, and I dare anyone to stop me if the time comes. I will avenge Jillian's death...even if it kills me...
At least if I die, I'll be able to be with her....
...wouldn't that be nice...?
[/blockquote]   Translations:
mon dieu: my God
merde: sh*t
mon coeur: my heart
va t'faire mètt, connard: f*ck you, a**hole [/blockquote] |
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Post by emery on Dec 8, 2008 13:09:13 GMT -5
  date; 20th June 1976
time; 10:14 p.m.[/i] Today was Jillian's funeral. I saw her family. Not her parents, of course...it was their funeral, too. Joint or something, I don't know what they call it...it seemed fitting that they would be buried together. They died together. It was...terrible. Awful. Nightmarish. The Earth has her now. She's not with me anyway...they stole away her soul and her life, the ground stole her body. They only thing I have left of her are the...the memories. God. Memories. I was flipping through my photo album again and...well, let's just say I have, once again, been reduced to a little boy. My father would be so proud.
I cut my favourite picture out of it. She thinks she looks silly, I just think she looks beautiful:
 God, she has had the most beautiful smile. I think this picture just proves how enamored I am -yes, I still am- by her. I was tempted to cut myself out of the picture, but it would have probably looked even more sloppy then it was. It's so painful, remembering that day...We went out with my sisters to the park again -we do that a lot, see- and my sister, being so fond of photography, took the picture of us, catching us unaware. I think it's always these types of pictures that show the real you. Just from this one, a person can tell that Jillian is the type who could light up a whole room just with her smile..and I, of course, am a lovesick puppy, as aforementioned.
I didn't mind. And I still don't.
I keep getting this recurring nightmare...I keep imagining that I was there, and I keep seeing what could have happened...Mr. and Mrs. Andrew being the first to die...Jillian would come downstairs and see them...and then there would be a third, bright green flash and the cold voice of a stranger...a voice I imagined, of course, but I know it must be cold...only a cold-hearted person could kill someone like Jilly...and then she would crumple to the floor...and he would laugh...and then he would leave and pathetic little me would stumble across them and then I'd see her eyes again...her haunting eyes...
...and then I'd wake up in cold sweat and I always wonder, even now I wonder, if I could have done something about it. Perhaps if I had just arrived an hour or so earlier...even half an hour...maybe I could have stopped it...no, perhaps that was thinking too far ahead of myself...maybe I could have at least protected her...maybe they could have killed me instead...
...God, to die instead of her...that would have been so much better...
And my mum and my sisters...they'd be able to move on...they have each other...It wouldn't affect them badly...and Jilly, oh Jilly, she would still be alive...perhaps I wouldn't be with her, but I'm not selfish...not that selfish. At least she would still be alive...and I could wait for her to join me...perhaps we would have gone to heaven together...I know she must be there now...looking down on me...
...is she happy? Or is she upset? Can she see how devastated I am?
-Lucky heaven. It has her. The Earth might have her body, but heaven has her beautiful soul...her spirit.
Mon dieu, I miss her. I wish she was here with me. I wish for so many things...and I can never have them.
Unfortunately.
Sad, isn't it, how unfair life is? Guess you get used to that after a while.
I'll never get used to Jillian not being with me, though. Never.
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Post by emery on Dec 10, 2008 1:21:46 GMT -5
  date; don't know, don't care
time; whatever[/i] My family isn't pleased with me. They think I'm 'taking things too far' by locking myself in this room. They think I should be over it already, but how can I get over it when I feel like a huge chunk of my heart, of me has suddenly disappeared? They just...they don't understand it. My mum lost my father, sure, but it's a different kind of loss -it was her choice. They got a divorce. He isn't dead unfortunately. Jillian is. I'm never going to be able to see her again -if she wanted (although I certainly hope she doesn't) she could go and see him again. All I've got of Jillian are memories.
Painful memories.
I can't go back to Hogwarts this year. I just...I can't. I won't be able to stand it. I mean...I just...I can't. I think we're supposed to go in a week...I'm not going. I told my mum and she...well...we got into an argument, but she...she finally allowed it. She said I can go late. She doesn't understand. I don't want to go at all, because I know what it will be there. They'll all know. Or most of them, those who follow the news anyway. They'll know that Jillian died. And then...
...And then they'll look at me with that stupid expression of pity and I can't...I won't be able to stand that. I'll snap, I swear I will, I know I will, and I don't want that because, God, I don't want their sympathy. I don't want their "I'm sorry for your loss"s. What will an "I'm sorry" do for me, huh? Will it bring Jillian back? No. It won't. It'll just set me off even more and I...I don't want that. I really don't. My friends...I wouldn't be able to stand it if I ended up yelling at my friends. It wouldn't be fair to them...and God...Howarts was the place I saw her. Where we had our first kiss, our first date, our first everything. I don't know if I can deal with that. Not yet, at least. Maybe...maybe later. Maybe I will go to school late...if at all.
Mon dieu, I don't know why I do this to myself. My mind she keeps bringing up images of us...of me and Jillian...of just Jillian...and it hurts, but I can't stop. It's like I'm subconsciously torturing myself.
Ahh..I wish I could erase all that had happened...how I will Jillian hadn't died...life would be so much...simpler.
If only, if only...
I found out why people tend to avoid punching things like glass in anger, instead they punch softer things like pillows. It f*cking hurts and it took ages to get the glass out and it was only a minimal relief...it was nothing compared to the emotional pain, though...plus, I got blood all over the bathroom and Danielle saw it and freaked out and started calling me an idiot. Only it was in French and it sounds much worse in French.
I don't care, though. I can barely feel it anymore. It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
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Post by emery on Dec 11, 2008 4:32:00 GMT -5
  date; 25th October 1976
time; 11:25 p.m.[/i] Mon dieu, how I wish I wasn't here. Why did I have to let my mum convince me to come back to school? Oh. Right. Because I'm a stupid idiot who apparently can't resist when his mother talks him into something. All right, so I see that she makes sense, this is my last year and it's bad enough that I've missed almost two months of school already since I have NEWTs this year and all, but I don't think I've ever hated Hogwarts so much.
I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. I know what they're thinking. I don't have to be able to read minds to know what they're thinking. Oh look at poor Emery, his girlfriend's dead and he's heart-broken. And the fact that I came LATE is even worse. I don't think anyone believes the story that I'm sick.
Although, technically, It's true. I feel sick, without Jillian here with me. It's just...not natural. I'm so used to seeing her every day...especially at school...I mean, we alternated, sometimes I'd eat at the Hufflepuff table and other times she'd eat at the Ravenclaw table. People didn't mind. I mean, I don't think they did. It didn't seem so. God, it doesn't even matter. I just...I miss her so much.
I can't talk to my friends. I just...yeah, it's that bad. I barely talk to anyone unless spoken to, in fact. It's so...I know it's really horrible of me and everything, but I can't..
I just can't.
Especially people like..like Andree and Bloom...and Jillian's other friends from Hufflepuff...people who knew her so well...I mean, they'd probably the most understanding, but I just...I can't talk to them...I can't...
I can't talk to anyone.
At least, not yet. Maybe...maybe soon. When I'm...better. When I'm slightly over it Maybe. I don't know.
I...I even thought I saw her in the halls today. I...think that's the first sign of a mental break down, isn't it? When you think you see someone who's already dead. I couldn't even see the girl properly. She was...she was walking with Bloom, so I pretty much high-tailed it out of there. But now thinking back on it, her hair wasn't the same shade as Jillian's. And Jillian is...was taller. Definitely not her.
I am going insane.
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Post by emery on Dec 12, 2008 14:47:21 GMT -5
  date; 18th November 1976
time; 9:20 p.m.[/i] Well, I've just had an epiphany of sorts. I just realised that by spiraling into despair and depression, I've only made things worse for myself and that Jillian wouldn't have been happy with the state I'm in right now. I know she would hate this...this person that I've become. Cold, avoiding, unfriendly, bitter...no, she definitely wouldn't be happy. She probably isn't -I bet she's looking down on me right now and thinking "Emery Nikolas Olivier, you better change your act right now! I don't want to see you like this anymore!"
If she was here, she would berate me herself. I wouldn't put it past her to. I deserve a very firm and heavy reprimand for ignoring everyone like I have...and I've been terrible to my sisters. They don't deserve that sort of treatment. Like they said, it's not the end of the world...
Although it felt like it was the end of my world when she...
Mon dieu, I can't write it. I just can't.
But I've decided to turn over a new leaf, sort-of. I'm going to seek out each one of my friends that I've cold-shouldered and give them a personal, heart-felt apology. I wouldn't blame them if they all turned me away or told me to leave them alone. I've been a terrible friend...
But at least I'm trying. My hope is renewed...somewhat. I'll always miss and love Jillian, she'll always be in my heart, but I think...
...I think I might just be able to move on. Or at least, go on with my life normally. As normally as it can be, at any rate.
I'm sure Jilly Bean would be pleased.
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Post by emery on Dec 15, 2008 1:03:42 GMT -5
  date; 25th November 1976
time; 10:15 p.m.[/i] Well, either I'm going insane or I'm not as over 'it' as I thought as was, or I'm simply getting worse not better. I'm think it might be a mixture of all three. Really. Because I'm seeing her again.
Jillian.
I'm seeing her around the school. I don't think that's a good thing. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it's a really bad sign. I mean, I'm practically seeing dead people, aren't I? Or a dead person. Namely, my dead girlfriend. Yeah, definitely not a good sign. Ugh. Just what I need right now, to be going insane. And she looks fully corporeal, too, so she can't possible be there, and I know that, but...ugh.
I'm getting caught up with school work, at least. It wasn't that hard for me, admittedly, but some friends helped at least, so...I guess they're not all angry with me for ignoring them for the past month.
Some are, some aren't. I'm glad for those who aren't. It's nice to know I still have friends around...
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Post by emery on Jan 10, 2009 3:44:50 GMT -5
  date; 15th December 1976
time; 6:50 p.m.[/i] I met someone today. Harper Lawless. I don't know her, but I knew of her -and I think Jillian knew her? I don't know, Harper's a Hufflepuff I think so it's possible. Doesn't matter anyway. She was interesting, to say the least. It was a very random conversation. I don't usually pass notes but oh well.
Like I said, we spoke of very random topics. Christmas came up, and she said she'd make me penguin socks and a scarf or something? I promised I'd wear them. We'll have to see if I stick to the promise, depending on what they look like of course, hah. Merlin, I'd forgotten all about Christmas though. Christmas without Jillian? That would be...tough. Yeah. And I still have to talk to Andree...I've been avoiding her the most. She was Jillian's best friend. But I can't avoid her anymore. I just...I can't.
I'll find her. I will...and I'll apologise, of course. It'll have to be a damn good apology, if only to ease my conscious a bit. I don't even know what to say yet...I feel so guilty...
...We'll see.
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Post by emery on Jan 10, 2009 4:18:39 GMT -5
  date; 25th December 1976
time; 11:50 p.m.[/i] Christmas wasn't that bad...Oh who am I kidding. It's awful without Jillian. I didn't go back home for Christmas, I couldn't. This year was the year that I was supposed to go over to Jillian's to stay for Christmas. We had that agreement...she came last Christmas. Holidays are awful, I can say that much. They're an even bigger reminder of the people you've lost. At least, that's what I think. God, I just miss her so f*cking much right now. I can just imagine what it would be like to be with her today...Christmas night, we would have stayed up until past midnight, curled up in front of a fire, alone because her parents never liked to stay up too late, even on Christmas. And then on the actual Christmas day, we'd open presents together and, God, I'd already bought her a present before she...
...A promise ring. That's what I got her. Not an engagement ring, although that was very tempting, but it would have also been too forward. Her parents would have lost it. The fact that they let me stay over is enough, I think proposing to their daughter would have been pushing it. I'm surprised they would let us do that, but I suppose they trusted her. And me, I guess. Well, anyway, getting off topic. I still have it...somewhere. I can't believe I'm only just remembering it now..
..ah, found it:
I wonder if she would have liked it. Even if she didn't, she would have said she loved it. Jillian is...was, was...she was always like that. She always claimed that even if a present sucked, she would love it because it was the thought that counts. She would have been happy with some coal for a present and cherish it forever...I love that about her. Yeah, I still love her. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. You can't get over someone like Jillian. You just can't.
Well, anyway. Regardless of all that, it was nice to spend Christmas with my sisters. I had to do very last minute shopping before-hand for them, but they didn't seem to mind. The rest of the day went by...smoothly enough, I suppose you could say. I miss her like hell, though. I don't think that's ever going to change.
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Post by emery on Jan 10, 2009 4:36:37 GMT -5
  date; 2nd January 1977
time; 8:15 p.m.[/i] Kara Wise. Another friend I cruelly ignored during the first months that I was here.We spoke today through note-passing. She forgave me, surprisingly. She seemed happy to be friends again, at least I think she was. I know I am. I can't believe I've abandoned so many close friends...Kara, especially, was a good friend. And Andree...I still have to talk to her. Tomorrow, I'll find her. I don't care how, I'll just find her. If I have to, I'll ask someone to take me into the Hufflepuff common room or something. I can't wait any longer, I already feel horrible that I've waited so long.
I'm such a terrible friend.
Well, anyway, Kara suggested that we go to Hogsmeade later and I agreed. We need to do some serious catching up...
Ugh, I have to do that essay now. School work just seems to be piling up on me lately, suffocating me. Too dramatic? Probably, but whatever. It's the truth. More later.
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Post by emery on Jan 10, 2009 4:46:55 GMT -5
reserved
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Post by emery on Jan 10, 2009 4:49:37 GMT -5
  date; 4th Junuary 1977
time; 11:20 p.m.[/i] Well, I finally did it. I finally found Andree and spoke with her and it's like an unbelievable weight off my chest, because she forgives me. She actually forgives me. I was surprised that she forgave me so quickly, but I'm not exactly complaining. Merlin, it's so good to be friends with Andree again. I'd missed her so much and I hadn't even realised it. It's painful, of course, because she reminds me of Jillian...they were almost always together, being best friends and all. I'm so glad she forgave me so quickly. I had been so selfish, only thinking of myself, when really Andree was hurting too and she needed me there. I was the only one who could understand, and vice versa.
I vow never to do that again. I will never ignore my friends in such an awful manner. Never.
She...hugged me. I didn't hug her back, but she actually embraced me sometime after she said that she forgave me. It was...odd. I couldn't hug her back. Not sure if I'm ready for that type of contact. It was brief, but at least I didn't push her away or anything, right? And then something much more shocking happened. Andree...she cried. Cried. This is Andree here, she never cries, at least not in front of anyone. To say the least, I was stunned. But I'm actually glad that she shared that with me. That she trusted me enough to cry in front of me. It wasn't long before she stopped, though, which I was sort-of thankful for as callous as that sounds. I don't deal well with crying people, and I hated standing there awkwardly not knowing what to do. I reassured her that I didn't mind when she apologised, and it was. I'm not that tactless, I wasn't going to tell her that it had made me uncomfortable.
[...Thread still in progress, rest of entry pending]
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