Goodnight G O O D N I G H T [[K.S.]]

[khai]

So I've finally decided that I'm going to use this time away from him to focus on myself. Not to mention it's raining outside and I'm stuck in here trying to find something to do. ...Not that I wouldn't just stay up here anyways, but whatever. It's raining and that's my excuse. Deal.

I haven't been to proud of the fact that all I ever do anymore is mope about how he's gone, and I think even Indi's getting sick of me. I feel bad, we never do anything anymore, mainly because I never want to do anything. I just think this will be a good time for me to actually figure out what I want to do with my life, figure out who I want to be and all that shit. All I know is that I can't sit here thinking about Rab for the rest of my life, since obviously he's moved on with his. It hurts to think that he's just been so easily able to forget about me, since I don't think he's even looked my way in the last 15 days. Yeah. Fifteen days. Over two weeks that we haven't even spoken, hardly even looked at each other unless it was on accident. I think he's kind of forgotten that I seriously have no other friends. He was pretty much the last one other than Indi, and the people in this school that don't hate me, I usually hate anyways.

This school sucks.

Anyways. I feel like I'm finally starting to get back into the swing of things, even if I don't believe that's entirely possible without Rab in my life. I feel like part of me is missing, but I guess I'm just going to have to work with what I have left. I have a few goals in mind:

• Actually go to all my classes this week
  
• Get out of my dorm for at least a few hours (not including classes)
  
• Actually go to dinner, instead of sneaking into the kitchens
  
• Purposefully make eye contact with Rab (not so sure about this one)
  
• I think I want a cat. You know, to keep me company when I'm up here

And as much as I hate this idea:

• Make a new friend

We'll see how this whole list thing pans out.

Day 15 without Rab.
I just wish he'd look at me.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

It's over.
It's just over.
I need to leave.


He...he killed someone. Rab. My Rab. Killed someone. Not just anyone, Professor Hemlock. I don't know what part he had in it, and I don't care. He's not who I thought he was. You'd think after six years you might know a little bit about your best friend. Apparently not. I wasn't even trying to evesdrop. I just wanted to be alone, and I figured whoever was coming down the stairs would probably just leave or something. Thinking back the broom closet probably wasn't the best idea, but it's not like I've been getting a lot of sleep lately. I couldn't think straight, and someone was coming down to the Common Room. I panicked. And then he just...he and Rodo just started talking about Hemlock and Rodo called me a whore and then Rab told him to shut his stupid mouth and...

What am I supposed to do?

And now I...I just...he left me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. And I don't know why this upsets me so much since I just found out he killed someone. Not to mention he's working for someone that told him to. Some 'Dark Lord'. Sounds like he's going to get himself killed. As much as I hate him for doing what he did, I can't find it in myself to be happy about the way his back looked when he walked away from me. He's just...gone. He fucking tears his brother to pieces to protect me and then he just left.

He doesn't want me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't think he ever wants to see me again. It feels like my chest fell apart, like there's nothing there anymore. No, there has to be something there, because nothing couldn't feel like this. Nothing couldn't make me feel like I want to just...What am I gonna do without him? I don't know how to survive here without him anymore. I need him. He knows it, and he just left me. He's gone. Rab's gone. My best friend. My best friend is gone. I don't even know who he is anymore. He's a murderer

I can't stay here.
I'm leaving.

[khai]

Thought about sending my dad an owl. He won't let me leave school. I don't even know where I'm going, but I can't stay here. I can't even look at him without needing to leave the room, or feeling like I can't breathe. It's like I'm fighting just to stay alive.

Maybe I am.

Goodbye Rab, baby.
Whoever you are now, I miss who you were.
I love you.
God, I love you.

[khai]

Alright so I was going to leave this stupid diary behind, I don't even know why I write in it anyways. All I ever write about is Rab, because I have no other friends except Indi, and she's been busy with the whole Ethan thing. There's no point in me bringing it, but for some reason I brought it anyways. I don't know. Maybe me writing all my shit down might help me get over this. Over him. I can't decide if it would be better to write his name all the time or avoid it by all means possible. Maybe this is just going to be a good time for me to let it all go. I need this time away from him to let him go. He obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore, even if he was just pissed off he hasn't spoken to me in days. Even if there is some part of him that still gives a shit about me, he's still gone. He hasn't acted on it. I need to finally just deal with this.

Rab He doesn't love me.
He never will love me.
I'm alone.
If I don't move on from this, I think I'll die.

Now I just have to figure out if I want to or not.

[khai]

It took me a while, but I walked to Hogsmeade. The weird innkeeper looked at me like he knew I was lying when I told him how old I was. At least he gave me a room. It's not like I have anywhere else to go. Not to mention he didn't look too suspicious when he was taking the wad of money I handed over, which was probably the only reason I'm getting away with this. Good thing daddy dearest always tries to overcompensate for being a dick. The room isn't that disgusting. There's a few spiders in the corners, and it looks as if no one's dusted for about fifty years, but other than that it's not horrible. Better than sleeping outside at any rate, and I get food here too. Bonus. It's kind of boring sitting in here, but I'll have Hogsmeade all to myself tomorrow, and there's loads of stuff to do here. Should keep me occupied for at least a few days, and owing to the fact that I have no idea how long I'll be here...whatever. I'll just buy more nailpolish or something. Worse comes to worst I can always buy a broomstick and fly to Diagon Alley or something. Somewhere new to keep me occupied and my mind firmly off of him.

Oh and another thing I decided. I've allowed myself one sentence each day alloted to him, and that's it. I've made some rules for myself. They're pretty simple:

• I'm not allowed to cry over him for more than ten minutes on any given day
  
• No writing about him other than the sentence
  
• No wandering through stores wondering what he would want, or what he might have bought me
  
• No saying or writing his name
  
• No going in the Quidditch supply store. Ever.

As long as I actually stick to it, I think my days will get easier. This has to work. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't.

Anyways, it's going to be hell trying to figure out how to actually sleep at night. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I run out of money either. Anything my dad's sending me goes straight to the school since I don't have my own owl, and I won't be there to get it in the morning with everyone else. Guess we'll have to see how this whole 'running away' thing works out.


I know technically I already used up my sentence for the day, but...

I hope he spends just as much time staring at the ceiling at night as I know I will,
and then I hope it collapses on him.

[khai]

I'm never buying chocolate frogs ever again. They're not even worth the stupid card. I wanted a little change of pace, I was trying to see if I somehow gained the liking for chocolate after not eating it for all this time. Stupid frog jumped away before I had a chance to bite it's head off. You know, now that I think about it, eating something that's got a spell on it to make it seem alive doesn't really appeal to me that much anyways. I guess I'm just meant to hate chocolate the rest of my life. It just makes you fat anyways. Not that anyone would care if I got fat. Momma always bugged me if I didn't eat enough, since I always stayed so skinny.

I wonder how she's doing. I can't seriously believe that she's had no contact with Dominic after he took me away. I refuse to call him 'dad' in this thing. I only call him that to his face, and that's only because he gets all pissy if I don't. This is pathetic, I haven't even thought about my family in weeks. I miss Momma. I wonder if Kayleah has a boyfriend yet. Probably. She was beautiful even when she was little, there's no way that's gone. I hope Romeo's taking care of Kami, God knows Kayleah won't. I just don't want Kami ending up like Jack, dying because Romeo does something stupid. Hope Momma smacked some sense into that boy, knowing her she probably has. Maybe I'll write to them this week. I have no idea if an owl would even go all that way. Now that I know for sure Dominic isn't keeping in touch with them, I feel bad never writing. Romeo's a good kid. He just wants so bad to take care of Momma that I think he might do something ridiculous to make sure he can do that. I hope the years have been good on him. I need him to take care of everyone now that I'm gone. I just hope lil' man of the house stayed away from the wrong crowd. Hangin' with the wrong people can make you do stuff you wouldn't otherwise have done. I don't want that for him.

I don't want Romeo to end up like him.

Wherever you are lil' man, I hope you're keepin your head up. It's easier to keep up mine if I believe you're keepin' up yours.

[khai]

Asshole kicked me out of the Three Broomsticks. Said he couldn't chance that I was old enough to be there on my own. Said if the Ministry found out he was housing runaways that he could lose the Inn, or they'd shut it down. I tried to convince him, but he didn't take at all. He wouldn't even let me buy food to stock up and put in my bag or anything. Only other place to stay around here is the Hog's Head, and I already checked it out. Probably wouldn't be that bad if there weren't so many creepy old men in it. The ones that kind of stare at you, and they have that look like they did. I may have only been seven, and it may have been dark...but I'll remember the look in their eyes forever. No way I'm going back in there again, so I'm pretty much screwed for a place to stay. If I have to I'll go in there to buy food or whatever, but I can't chance staying there an entire night. I don't trust anyone who looks like that. Can't even trust normal people anymore.

I just wish I could have trusted him.

Looks like I'm headed for the forest, only place I know I can stay.
Maybe something will finish off whatever's left of my pathetic existence.
With my lack of sleep I probably won't put up much of a fight.
It better at least be something cool.
Death by Hinkypunk sounds really lame on a gravestone.

[khai]

Of all the things I could have forgotten to pack, I had to pick my jacket. It's fucking cold out here. And of all the things that might decide to finally overcome my nightmares...I wish my dreams would follow my rules.

He's there, in my dreams.
Playing his guitar.

Fuck you, I'm counting it as one.

[khai]

I was right, I had to go to the Hog's Head for food. There is seriously no other place for anything decent around here, and it's even hard to get anything from there. No use in trying to live off Madam Puddifoot's and Honeydukes, and the Three Broomsticks guy still won't let me buy food. Last time I even looked through the window he kind of glared at me. I don't want to push it. Don't want him calling up Dumbledore or the Minstry. Or Dominic. I don't know how much longer I can stay out here, and as much as I don't really write about it...it's not like it's getting that much easier to not think about it. This journal holds pretty much the only thoughts I don't have about it during the day. I don't think there's any real edible food out here, and I can't just keep living off what I get at the Hog's Head. It's not enough, and half of it I won't eat because it looks wierd. I can't go back though. Not when I can see him everywhere. Not when everything there reminds me of him. Not when he's with her. I'm not using those as my sentence, because I finally know exactly what I want to say to him:

Stop hiding.

[khai]

I'm officially running out of ink. If I don't have anything to write with, then what the hell am I supposed to do all day? All I think about other than that is what I might be able to write that's not about that. Either that or I'm too busy hiding in random crevices while I wait for whatever is around goes by. Seriously, as long as I'm discovered by something cooler than a Hinkypunk...whatever. Maybe I'll get stabbed by a unicorn. At least then I'll have been able to see one before I die. Of course I'm complet ly i or g t e

SHIT.

[khai]

I'm not exactly sure what to make of this. In fact, I have no idea what to make of this. I thought he was...God the last thing I thought would happen was for him to be happy to see me. Well, not really happy. More like in complete awe. Which I also don't get. God I didn't even know what to do with myself, so I just kind of stood there. Goddamn horse thing should have just left me in the fucking woods and I wouldn't have to deal with this right now. He's so confusing! What am I supposed to do with that? Obviously he had to have carried me to the Common Room, there's no other way I could have gotten there. And the hugging and the touching...God what the hell is going on? I thought he was still with Amelie. I thought he woudln't give a shit about me leaving. Now everything's just...everythings wierd again. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. But it just felt so good to be in his arms again. I didn't question it while it was going on, but I was also sleep deprived and half-starved. Not to mention I couldn't really get past the fact that he was hugging me. I've been trying so hard to get over him, to just let that part of me go, and in one night it's all back again. It hurts worse than ever because now I don't even know where he stands anymore. At least before I knew he loved me but just wouldn't admit it. Now? Now I have no idea what the fuck's going on in his head. I should have just stayed in the woods. I hate feeling like this. Like he's the only part of me that matters anymore. Like no matter what I do this is going to follow me around for the rest of my life. I think I'm just going to stay in my room for the rest of my life.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

God I missed him.

P.S. He smells just like I remembered.

[khai]

I talked to Indigo today. She made me feel a little better, I guess. Either way it was nice to talk to someone other than Rab now that I'm here. There aren't a lot of people I can hang out with, and she's really the only close girl friend I have. I should probably work on that. Too bad I hate almost every other girl in this school. She almost got my mind off Rab, though talking about Potter and his gang wasn't exactly my favorite way of going about it. She's always been a good friend, I don't care what people say about her. They don't know shit about her, just the same as me. I can't say she was extremely helpful, since she pretty much hates Rab with a passion, but she did get me thinking about something.

Make him choose.
Make him make up his mind.

I don't really know if I want to start screwing around with other guys just to make him jealous, but I don't really see any other way. Nothing else has worked, and I refuse to get caught up in this cycle again. I've been telling myself I need to make new friends anyways. Maybe I'll just require them to have a penis.

[khai]

So Family Fuck Fest is next week.

Out of context that sounds really nasty.

I don't really see the point in going. It's not like Xavier's going to be there, and it's not like I want him to be there. There's not a lot to do, other than dress like a slut and eat a shit-ton of candy and get wasted. All of which I can do in my dorm. Away from Rab. I know he's going to be there. He and his brother are both going to be there, along with his parents, who are there every year. We haven't had a lot of contact since I've been back, though that has more to do with the fact that I've earned myself a world of detentions and homework that I now owe to my teachers. It never ceases to amaze me just how calm Dumbledore is when dealing with stuff like this. I mean, I still got the detentions and the homework, but he didn't even look mad. In fact, he sounded as if he knew I was perfectly safe the whole time, or at least like, knew where I was or something. I wouldn't be surprised. I swear to god he's psychic. Anyways, after that awkward encounter I had to go apologize to all my professors for missing so much class (they weren't so gracious, even though I was obviously still a mess), and get a list of homework I had to turn in. Right now I've got at least twelve essays, over five hundred pages of reading, and four out-of-class meeting things that I have to do, for stuff that I missed in class and can't make up without the teacher there. Since they're all doing me this big favor, my detentions are going to be mostly working for them. Helping them around the classrooms and grading homework and stuff. I'm not so worried about stuff like McGonagall or Babbling, it's more Sprout, Slughorn, and Hagrid that I'm worried about. Their detentions are usually pretty disgusting. Nasty plants, nasty cauldron-leftovers, nasty animals with their nasty piles of shit. So unappealing. My poor nails.

I guess I'll just go to the stupid Halloween-substitute. Although I doubt I'll be allowed in the Three Broomsticks still.

Fuck my life.

Essays: 12
Pages: 563
Meetings: 4

[khai]

I don't know why everyone says Jagger is such a dick. I mean, he's definitely not as cool as he thinks he is, but he's not so bad. He even bought me a drink. While I'm not stupid enough to think he's wasn't doing it to get in my pants...or my costume-thing (toga?), he was still decent enough when we hung out. Whatever that was. I refused to even look for Rab, though I accidentally caught his eye at one point. He looked like he'd been staring at me, did that thing like people do when they try to act like they hadn't been looking at you a second before. I don't get him. He's been avoiding me all week, and now he can't keep his eyes off me? Whatever. There was booze, so it was worth it.

I don't really remember everything, I'm pretty sure there was some touching, and I can't really remember if anything past that happened. I'd be kind of annoyed, he's not exactly hot. When you're half-plastered you don't really care anymore. Come to think of it, I'm not even going to try and remember all that, because I'm not really sure I want to. At the very least I might have made a friend.

I need to stop drinking.

Essays: 11
Pages: 530
Meetings: 4

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