Goodnight G O O D N I G H T [[K.S.]]

[khai]

[khai]

God, why can't I ever get him out of my head? It's been five months already. I should be done with this by now. I guess I thought I could just make him see what he's missing out on...but he barely even looks at me anymore. Like I'm not even worth remembering. Whatever. I'm better than that anyways. I don't need him to miss me, I don't need him to want me. I have plenty of guys that want me. Ludo, for example.

Geez, he was pretty much begging to get in my pants tonight. All I was planning on was a run, but hell did I get a workout. God if he would only stop talking beforehand. He always tries that wierd small-talk thing, especially whenever we run together. I have no idea why he feels the need to fill the silence, I'm perfectly okay with just letting my thoughts stop at that point, thanks. Not to mention it's really hard to talk when you're running so hard you can barely breathe. Needless to say I stopped a little early tonight. It's kind of awkward, having sex outside, but it's not bad. Depends on where you are I guess. It was actually kind of hot, the way that I could feel the frost already forming on the grass, and it cooled me down as he...well, yeah. Holy shit, THREE times. I must say, Ludo may be annoying when it comes to his mouth sometimes, but not all the time. He knows exactly how to use that thing when it counts. Oh my God, and that thing he always does with his tongue? Seriously. This reminds me of why I started sleeping with him in the first place.

That first time though, that was so weird. I mean, at least it was Ludo, it's not like he hurt me or anything. Well, no more than it was going to hurt. It was just...he took care of me. Needless to say he's been 'taking care of me' for a while now. After he broke up with Marlene at least. I still have no idea how I feel about that. I mean, I never knew he was dating someone. And it had to be kind of obvious that he slept with me. I didn't know I was so violent when I had sex. Guess that's the only way I can get it out, yeah? Either way, it's stuck, he's going to be stinging tomorrow morning. Anyways, it feels wierd knowing that I'm probably the reason that they're not together anymore, but at the same time I don't really care. Relationships exist to break your heart. It's what they're for. You get your hopes up, and then they come crashing down on you when you realize the reality of what it's all about. It's not about love, it's not about 'feelings'...it's about sex. It's about knowing what you want, and taking it. No reason to get all your 'feelings' wrapped up in it. You'll only get yourself hurt.

I guess I just don't understand why my feelings have nothing to do with this...and I still feel empty.

[/color]

[khai]

This was such a bad idea.

Why did he have to come along today? You know we've been friends for so long, and the last two weeks it's like we don't even know each other. And now he just happens along and somehow I just randomly...God. How can this happen? With Rabastan of all people. The one person to fall for that I know for sure is not going to change his mind about what we are. Not only is he obsessed with Amelie, but we are so clearly 'just friends' it's not even funny. Yeah we play with the line a bit, but that's all it is. Playing. It doesn't mean anything. At least it didn't. Guess that's out the fucking window now, isn't it?

Now everything's going to just...fuck. Everything's going to change. Everything's going to be awkward and different and I don't fucking want it to be! When did I just suddenly decide I have feelings for him? When did this happen? He just...when he leaned in all close...it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. My legs went all weak and my arms were shaking, God I think I was even sweating. Since when do I do that? This wasn't supposed to be a big deal, this was just supposed to be two good friends, having a little fun. Hang out and de-stress, if we just happened to have sex, whatever.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Or why it keeps happening to me. I thought I was done with all this. I thought I promised myself I was never going to go through this again. Shit. I just can't let him go though. Now he's probably already off with Amelie again. What the hell am I supposed to do? Once again, I'm not good enough. Oh yeah, I'm good for a night of fun, but other than that? No. Nothing. I'm completely worthless. People think I'm stupid. People think I'm a whore. When will they realize? I hope they go through half the things I've gone through, just so they realize...

What am I supposed to do?

Sleeping with him one last time was a mistake. Yeah, it was fun while it lasted, but now, in the aftermath? This sucks. I can't think about anything else. Food seems completely unnecessary right now, as does sleep. The only thing that makes me feel anything anymore is that weird, warm feeling I get whenever I drink. Don't think about much when you can't focus on anything and you can barely see straight. Then again I can't seem to think about anything else ever since last night. All I see when I close my eyes are his.

No one realizes...when people judge you for so long...you start to believe them.

He never thought of me that way.

He never thought I was a whore.

The one person who actually believes in me...but he'll never belong to me.

I think I'll die alone.
Better than this.
Anything is.

[khai]

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.

Just a little bit prettier
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Hiking up my skirt
Asking for your time

Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself

Perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
Maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit prettier
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Pulling up my shirt
Staring blank ahead

Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead

Perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was...

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.

Just a little bit prettier
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.

Just a little bit prettier
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...

Oh, just a little bit prettier
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...





So what does it take?
What do I have to do to be good enough for anyone?
I don't know what more I can give.

[khai]

This might sound wierd.

I can't say I'm not a little bit buzzed right now.

Okay, a lot buzzed.

You know, Jack Daniels tastes like shit... but it's better than a kick in the face to forget stuff for a while.

I've been thinking, they should start serving liquor at dinner. I think we'd all get along quicker.

Haha, that rhymed.

...quicker's a funny word...

'specially if you say it fast

like this --> QUICK-er

yeah, like that.

I was also thinking that it might be a good idea to write this in the common room...

...until I kind of...fell off the bed instead of getting up off it.

Or you know, they could give it to us for breakfast, with like, cimianin..

siniman
cimiminan
cininiminan

eh fuck it.

You know what sounds good right now? A falafel. I've always wanted to know what those tasted like. Something with such an awesome name has to taste good.

WOAH

I think I have eleven toes.

Oh wait...

...no. Ten. I just counted 'em wrong.

MAN I love cake. I wanna go get some. They should make a song, about CAKE.

like,

Cake is goood
Cake is fiiine
I wish I could eat cake
All the tiiime.

I think I need to stop drinking

But seriously, cake sounds awesome right now.

Haha, you know who sucks? Rab. And Alex. They don't even know what they're missing OUT on. I can make the best toast you've ever tasted. Yeah, that's right bitches. Toast.

Ugh, my stomach hurts. I think I'm gonna lay down for a while. But just for a little while.

Oh. I just had to burp. Nevermind.

Well, now that my stomach doesn't hurt, I'm going to get me some of that cake. Or maybe pie. No, no, no, wait. Cake. With that razbery rasbeery FRUIT stuff in it.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

I have a hangover.

This sucks.

I miss him.

Even his stupid hair.

[khai]

I haven't left my room in a while. Everyone keeps staring at me, like they know I haven't been going to classes. Which makes sense, they're in my same house and year, so we probably have some classes together, I guess I just never thought people actually noticed. It's funny how people don't give a shit about me until I'm doing something worth talking about. I still haven't seen Rab, or talked to him, even though I think about what I might say to him every minute of every day. He's probably wondering why I haven't been in classes, maybe even why he hasn't seen me at all, or why I haven't talked to him in so long. Either that or he's getting on with the rest of his life and forgetting about me like he should. He didn't ask for me to have feelings for him, he shouldn't have to deal with the baggage. What if he hasn't even noticed I've been gone? What if he doesn't even care? What if he's just walked off into the fucking sunset with Amelie and he really has forgotten about me?

This is stupid.
He can't forget about me in a few days.

This is so pathetic. I haven't even taken his shirt off unless I'm taking a shower. I don't even know how I have this shirt...but it still smells like him. I don't even know why it makes me feel better, because it just makes me think about him even more. I tried taking it off for a while but I pretty much just sat there wanting to put it back on again, like it wasn't right to take it off or something. Makes me sad though. The more I wear it, the less it smells like him. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't sleep anymore, the nightmares are getting worse. Longer. More detailed. I always wake up sweating, and there's no one there to make me feel better. He's not there to make me feel better. I guess I just kind of took for granted that I could always go to him at night whenever I needed it. I mean, it was always kind of awkward if he was having sex or something, I'd have to sneak back out and see what I could find to occupy myself for the rest of the night. That always sucked. Never really bothered me before though, since we'd just kind of had this unspoken agreement that we could sleep with whoever we wanted. It's not like we were together or anything. Even though we acted like it, and we slept with each other and he'd sing me to sleep and talk to me all the time, and we'd go places, and -- this really isn't helping.

I just don't understand how we could act so much like a couple and I never realized how much I really did like him. And I don't understand how he couldn't in some way feel the same? I don't know if I believe him when he says he doesn't want anything other than friendshp, because we haven't really been 'friends' for a while now. Friends don't sleep with each other. I've known this for a while, but I guess I never really cared. He was my best friend and we just started having sex one day, it was no big deal. Except it was. I just didn't acknowledge it. We didn't acknowledge it. Especially after that last time the other day, it was just...it was amazing, and I have a hard time believing that he didn't feel something more than what he says. Frankly? I think he's a big fat liar. Doesn't matter though, he'd still choose Amelie over me. I don't know why, but for some reason I just think that he would. I've never been good enough for anyone, why should this be any different, yeah? Stupid f**k*r always said I was special, always said that I was worth something more than what guys treated me here. Stupid f**k*r made me feel special, treated me better, he can't honestly say he would have done to anyone else what he did to me after he found out what was really going on that day. He would never have been so nice, he would never have backed down so easily, and he would never have said he was sorry, he never says he's sorry. Stupid f**k*r loves me.

I know he does.

I don't think it's possible to love him this much if he doesn't.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

Why did it have to be Rab?

Why did this have to happen with the one person I could always talk to? Now I've got no one. I feel weird bringing it up with Indigo, I know she hates him. She already dislikes the 'friendship' I have with him, and I doubt she'd feel much differently about this new epiphany I seem to have had. Other than her...Rab was pretty much the only person I was really honest with. How am I supposed to just figure this out on my own? I can't even look at him without feeling like I'm going to be sick. At least I think that's what that twisting in my stomach is.

I miss him.

I miss him more than anything.

That seems to be the only thing I can think of anymore. The only thing I can write.

I miss him.

I love him.



...I miss him.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

Alright. This is ridiculous.

I'm calling bullshit on this one.

There is no way he could kiss me like that and have no feelings whatsoever for me. There is so much more I could be concentrating on, like the fact that I actually told him about the one thing I never tell anyone about. And you know, that was really really bad timing, because now I look like some pathetic emotional mess...okay well I am an emotional mess but I hate it when people feel sorry for me. The last thing I want from him is that stupid "Oh my God, that really sucks" face that pretty much means "Go shoot yourself now, because there is no possible way anyone can ever help you with this". Yeah. I got raped. It was a long time ago, and yet somehow it still affects my daily life. This day it apparently got his attention when I had a freaking meltdown in front of him. Seriously though, he should know by now not to tell me what to do. I don't care if I love him, he should know better. Either way I kind of flipped out on him. Sort of almost threw something at him. I would have regretted that later though, wouldn't want to mess up that baby face of his. Anyways I end up flipping shit right in the middle of the Common Room (thank God no one else was there), and he does his thing where he always makes me feel better. Except this time it just made me feel worse.

He really sucks at this 'just friends' thing.

Whatever he's thinking, it's fucked up, because there's no way that there's a guy on the planet that still wants to be 'friends' with a girl like me once we've made it complicated. First sign of commitment and they back out, that's just the general rule. It doesn't matter that we've been friends for six years, that's just what guys do. Yet he's still here, he hugged me and held me, and God that kiss was amazing. No. He's lying. There's no way he isn't lying. He's like one of those little kids that play dumb once you've caught them eating candy before dinner, but they've got the shit smeared all over their face.

Have fun chasing after Amelie, Rab. I hope you choke on her tongue when you realize it's me you want.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

The more I think about this, the more I realize I have no idea if he was dating Amelie when he kissed me. It would definitely make things a little more interesting if he had been. It would mean that pretty much no matter what was going on with him and his little hoe, he kissed me just because I really wanted him to. He kissed me just because I asked him to. And you know, either way, he still did it just because I wanted him to, whether he was dating Amelie or not. This can only beg the question what else I could get him to do just by asking. And this is all pretty ridiculous. If he's willing to kiss me just because I've asked him to and I'm a little misty-eyed, when he's so adamant that we're 'just friends'? He's so lying.

Only thing that sucks though, is that he doesn't think he's lying. He's still with her. He still didn't pick me. I'm still alone.

Actually, I think I'm just going to assume that it happened after they started dating.

It makes me feel better.

And I hope she figures it out before he does.

Because it'll mean it's as obvious to her as it is to me.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

She's got the hair for it.

Appropriate, yeah?

[/color][/blockquote]

[khai]

I haven't slept in four days.

I can't wait for him anymore.

...Black was always a good f*ck.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

Wow. I would never for the life of me think that Ethan Cartier would be the one to get me to smile. Seriously, that whole Black thing was a bad idea. It just...it didn't work. Yeah, I got some sleep, but it just made me feel worse than I already had been. I really need to stop doing that. Maybe I'll look through my books to see if I can find some sort of sleeping potion and see if that stops my nightmares. But anyways, so staying in the dormitories for a few days has its ups and downs (the ups being not running into Rab, the downs being that I start to smell after a while and I'm bored out of my mind), but today I just couldn't stay there anymore. I'd already finished all my homework and I just kept watching people out the fake windows. I don't even know if they're real. And that's when I realized I might not have actually seen anyone other than my dormmates for the entire weekend, and that made me feel like that I'd turned into that guy with the weird birthmark on the side of his face that's always twitching. I seriously think it's some kind of fungus.

Needless to say, I needed to get out my room.

I didn't want to shower in the normal showers, because that requires going past the boy's dorm, and I really didn't want to chance that. The last time I saw him was when I chanced going down to dinner the other night and I about threw up in my mouth a little bit when I saw him sitting next to Amelie. Stupid bitch. I didn't stay. So yeah, no going around the boy's dorm. It was actually kind of a stupid idea, since he might have been practicing or something, but I decided to go take one in the Quidditch showers just because I could, and I figured they were empty. It was the only place I knew there were showers readily available and for some reason I just ignored the fact that Rab might be down there. Really, really stupid, but being cooped up in your room for four days straight doesn't exactly do much for your thinking skills. Anyways, Cartier's face looked like he was about to throw up in his mouth a little bit when he accidentally opened up the wrong shower. Seriously, who does that? But anyways, he said a bunch of stuff in French, and apologized a lot. It was actually really funny. For the first time a guy had accidentally seen me naked. Honestly it was kind of...cute? I wish I could say something to Indigo, except she'd probably flip a lid instead of just laughing with me. Most likely because if I hadn't been certain before? I am now.

Ethan's little manhood has yet to be deflowered.

Seriously Indi.
You should get on that him.

[/blockquote]

[khai]

It's starting to get easier to get through my days without thinking about him for hours at a time. I can't decide if this is a good or bad thing. I haven't really talked to anyone unless I have to, and mostly I just go down to the Great Hall for dinner at the very beginning when people are still filing in, grab some food that I can carry and take it back down to the dorm. If I can't get the balls to do that I just sneak into the kitchens late at night when I can't stand how much my stomach hurts anymore. One night I had to just go without anything because I came down the stairs and he was sitting there on the couch. I didn't stay long enough to see if he was with Amelie or not. Honestly I just kind of lost my appetite anyways.

Day 8 without Rab.
Is is sad that I know that?

[/blockquote]

[khai]

Some days I'm completely sure. I know he loves me. I can convince myself that no matter how he acts, no matter what he sees in Amelie, he still loves me.

Some days I'm not so sure.
Some days I'm only sure I'm just kidding myself.

Those are usually the days I actually see him. With her.

Day 12 without Rab.
I miss him.

[/blockquote]