second STAR to the right . . . )

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current date: october 19, 1977
current location: library
i feel like: dancing
mood:
content

So I couldn't decide what was worse: having an unfinished diary or having a diary that doesn't start on the first of September. The former won - mostly because I realized none of my other diaries began on the first of September, and it was merely my mind playing tricks on me - the typical "new school year, new everything else" trend, at it again. I never understood it, but it seems to have seized the minds of so many of my peers, who insist on new clothes, and new haircuts, and new personalities to welcome in the school year. But why?! How did this become the social norm? How many students go out and do all of those things, but actually want some sort of 'new beginning'? Because for that they'd have to find entirely new friends and change their lifestyle completely, but you rarely see people returning to school and hanging out with an entirely different clique. Has returning to school become an excuse to purge, spend excessively on making ourselves look better and more impressive in order to gain friends and recognition? Maybe it'll help us to impress a boy or a girl, something probably more common here. - And of course, what better a time to do that than after a few months' break? I'm sure there are people out there who don't give a shit, who sort of just end up getting hair cuts and new clothes right before school because they're being shipped off to learn and you need to get it done sometime, but it doesn't change the fact that companies around the world fiscally rely and depend on back to school shopping. Industries. Millions of jobs - even down to occupations lumberjacks hold. Wood for pencils. Pencils for writing. Can't go to school without a writing utensil. Jesus, back-to-school shopping may as well be a company all on its own. I admit, I am no stranger to back-to-school shopping. I got a few outfits on a day out with my Grandma - oh, and...hah. I also got my hair cut that day. Ironic. Still, though. Just another one of those things that you never really think about.

...Dammit. I've gone on another one of my tangents again. The point is, is that we're about two months in to the school year. About fifteen pages were left in the end of the other diary on September the first. I chose to continue writing in it instead of starting up with this. Funny, though, that I had second thoughts about it just because that just so happened to be the best time to have a ~*~new beginning~*~.

Anyway, my days are long and generally filled with homework and studying - something I was warned about coming in to sixth year, but to be honest I didn't think it would be nearly this awful. I guess that's just life.

June seems to many eternities away. I already ache for spring - this is hardly a good sign. It'll be a long winter if I'm already having thoughts of all that rain, and the cooler weather, and the nasty grass and the little buds on trees. Here's to hoping it'll go by quickly. It always does. I really miss Jacob lately; I don't know why, but I got this sudden pang and wished to go back home so I could see him. Maybe I'll write him.

I should really be off now; I've rambled long enough. Potions homework awaits!

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current date: october 21, 1977
current location: dorm
i feel like: curling up in a ball
mood:
sleepy

Simon Thorp and I shared a note today and I can barely feel my hand even now, hours later. I must've used up half an entire roll of parchment, we wrote that much; it was a bit excessive, really, but in a good way. Of all the things we spoke about, the thing that's really sticking with me is the possibilities of what goes on inside Professor Binns' mind. Absurd stuff, really.

Anyway, things have been fine - I ended up sending Jacob a letter, as I mentioned I might, and I have yet to hear back from him. In other news, Grandma wrote to met me know that cousin Abbey had her baby. His name is Leonardo Maximillian St. James. He was about 3/4 of a stone; the thought of such a heifer coming out of tiny Abbey is terrifying to me; dear God, that's one of the reasons having babies scares me - other than the thought of having to raise a human being, I'd have to physically push it out of me! Positively horrifying - and what if something went wrong? I can't even imagine. But all is well with Abbey and baby Leo, which is great news. Hopefully I'll be able to meet him at Christmas.

Time for some rest, though, and I'm sure I'll be able to write more tomorrow, so long as I don't have too much homework.

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current date: october 23, 1977
current location: dorm
i feel like: taking a grenade to my head
mood:
stressed aflkdjasfj

Sweet Merlin, diary. These classes are killing me. I haven't the faintest idea what even possessed me to take this many N.E.W.T. courses in the first place - nor why I chose to write to you during such tire times as these, when I am nearly literally drowning in piles of parchment and textbooks and broken quills and ink bottles. I can't keep anything straight, I keep on going back and forth between assignments, my mind is all in a jumble - this is beginning to cocern me, oh my God, I'm going nuts. I'm actually going nuts - but I should probably go now, I just...felt the need to write here in order to document what I was doing before my (potential) death. I bid thee well, cruel world.

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current date: october 23, 1977
current location: dorm
i feel like: dropping out of school and running away
mood:
relieved

Well. It's about one thirty a.m., and all my homework is done. Yes, homework, the bare minimum. All the things that are due tomorrow. I didn't study for any of the three quizzes I have, nor did I begin working on my work due later in the week - obviously something I normally would have done, but honestly, I'm past the point of actually giving a fuck. ...Well, no, I shouldn't say that, because I'll always give a fuck, but not that much of a fuck. God. I am never doing that again -exactly what, I'm not sure, but seriously, signing up for all those classes is honestly the stupidest idea I have ever had - and I'm full of stupid ideas. And my head is throbbing, and I really should be asleep, but....I'm not tired. Naturally. I'm just going to wind down by listening to The Beatles. They always could calm me.

Anyway, Jacob wrote back, finally, makes me miss him something awful. Sometimes I wonder what could have happened between us, but other times I'm so immensely thankful nothing did. He's not really my type anyway. And it doesn't help that I have such silly hopes for all my romances - Jacob is just so normal, I'm so used to him, it's...it's nothing that I've ever really daydreamed about, you know? I think I could like him, though. Even if...even if he may not seem like he's my type, I...no, he might be. ...I never really thought about it that much, actually, until now, and I think he is my type. ...Ah. Whatever. Not much I can do about it now, what with him being at University and me being stuck here. I'll figure it out eventually.

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current date: october 26, 1977
current location: dorm
i feel like: going home
mood:
contemplative

Why do I do this to myself? The thought of Jacob and I running away together simply won't leave me. We had always talked about it when we were small - in a non-romantic and purely adventurous fashion, and we've even joked about it recently over the summer, but...it seemed different. What would it be like, to run away with one of your oldest friends? I feel like I know him so well, but thinking about it, I really don't. And since we hit puberty, there's always been a bit of mystery about him - and no, I don't mean it that way, but as you go from being a child to becoming an adult, things aren't so simple anymore and a lot of things go unsaid, and we sort of just...strayed from each other, and he was moving on and getting older and I was paranoid he was sick of hanging out with a little girl, I don't even remember the last real conversation we had, and I got shipped to Hogwarts and there's just...so much room to wonder. Too much room.

(Something not healthy for a girl like me.)

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current date: october 26, 1977
current location: library
i feel like: ...i really don't know
mood:
gloomy

After more thinking, I've decided that if anything were to happen between Jacob and I, it would have to be some sort of fling - wouldn't it? It's not as if I'll be out of school soon, and knowing him he'll either want to start working immediately after he gets out of Uni or he'll go off and try to get a Ph.D, so that just means more school for him, so we wouldn't be able to be together all that much. And I'll just travel once I get out of Hogwarts, hopefully, but maybe we'll meet up randomly after spotting each other in the street and after spending hours in a coffeeshop and even more hours back in his flat (he's going to be a millionaire, no doubt) reconnecting until dawn, we shall part ways and not speak for several days, with the thoughts about the other and questions of romance wandering in the back of our minds - and then, he will call . Ask me to meet him. and I shall - choosing an outfit will be difficult, but choosing lingerie will prove to be harder - and we would talk, for maybe the first few hours, but at some point someone would say something, and there would be that pause, and then we'd both be scrambling inside, trying to make a decision. And surely we would both know what we wanted, but there would be a tiny bit of doubt - so we'd both hesitate, then make the slightest of movements, almost as if egging the other on, and then it would happen, something fifteen years or so in the making, and it would be lovely, and it would be one whirlwind or a romance but something would come up - a job offer, or maybe I'd get restless like I do sometimes, and I'd want to run away or something, and we would break it off but neither of us would ever, ever forget one another and -

dear God.

This is a sign that I've lost it.

I'm...I'm going to go and study or something.

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current date: november 1, 1977
current location: dorm
i feel like: kissing a boy/taking a hot shower
mood:
hopeful

Tonight was quite the night... I'm not even entirely sure I know where to begin. It just started with sitting down in the hallway to talk to Simon, who was locked out of the Common Room, but then we somehow ended up going swimming in the lake and having a good, long talk about all the strangest of things, of course... and apparently he likes me?!

TO BE CONTINUED

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current date: november 3, 1977
current location: great hall
i feel like: i don't even know... sleeping or something
mood:
confused

So, I received a letter from Jacob today.

"To Bridget:

I hope everything at school is going well. Remember not to get too far behind on your studies; I know day-dreaming can be quite the distraction, but I feel if it gets to the point that your grades are slipping, it's unhealthy. It sounds like you're learning so much, though. War and Peace is a beast, though, don't you dare underestimate it! Tolstoy means serious business. It's not as bad as a lot of people make it out to be, sure, but it's definitely the length that gets on people's nerves. And kids these days get bored so quickly. It's no surprise all your classmates are griping about it when they'd rather be watching their TV sets or going to a show, or doing God knows what else. I'm sorry you're struggling with your maths - you know if I were there, I'd help you out. Is there anything in particular you're struggling with? Send me a few examples of questions, maybe I can write out answers and explain it better than your teacher. The most important thing about math, I found, was that you needed to keep up with your work and formulas. It just builds and builds on other things you've learned before, so when you fall behind, you're essentially screwing yourself over.

University is, of course, good. I'm a little overwhelmed by my thesis, but that's to be expected. It's coming along nicely - I'm only about fifty pages in, and I have a lot of research I still need to finish up with. I'm just anxious to get out of here. I can't help but be thankful I'm graduating this semester. I'll miss Oxford, but it'll be nice to go home for a while. I think mum and dad would like that a lot. And the old men need some help on the boat. I'm hoping I'll still be in town when you get back from school, Bridget. London can wait a while.

There's something that's been on my mind for a while, Bridget, but I haven't brought it up. Bad timing, mostly, because if I could have things my way, I would, of course, tell you in person. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is the smart thing to do, or the wise thing to do, or even the best thing to do, but if you were here, you would remind me I need to take more chances. So, Bridget, here it goes: I think I love you. Or, at least, I feel very strongly about you, and I believe, if given the opportunity, I could make you happy. We would be a smart match, I think. Of course, I'm not expecting any sort of reciprocation here, and even if there had been, I'm not sure what I would do. It's not as if anything could happen, considering your education. It's important that you know, though, I think. Something for you to think about. I apologize for throwing this at you; recently, I'd gotten to thinking how awful it would have been had you randomly died, and I had not had the chance or the balls to tell you. And, I think, regardless of your feelings, you'd want me to be honest with you. You know I would never let anything like this get in the way of our incredible friendship; you're too special to me, and I would never let any petty drama get in the way of that.

Your Gram and Gramps came and gave me a visit the other weekend; surprised me, too! I got to the apartment and Joe had let them in; Gram was half-way done with dinner and Gramps had on the Liverpool - Arsenal game. (Arsenal won, by the way - thought you'd appreciate that.) They brought Zeus, and this picture is from our walk. I hope it makes you smile; I know you love that dog more than you love most of your friends.

I've written long enough; tell me all about your adventures at school, your thoughts, everything.

Miss you.

-Jacob"

(And Zeus, because he's cute.)

Seriously, though. What... what am I supposed to -

I don't even know. I... I don't know. I - love? Seems like an awfully strong word, doesn't it? And he's right. He could make me happy. I know he could. I just don't trust myself. God, it would be so complicated - I'd have to tell him all about this, too, which would just... not that I'm ashamed, but that's not really a conversation I'm eager to jump on, you know? And I'm not done with school yet, which would make things hard... and Simon...

ARGH!

I'm just going to go and do some Potions homework, I think, to get my mind off this as best as I can.