no c o l o r s Anymore ~

[Indigo Grace]

THE DEATH BEFORE LIFE,





I WANT TO PAINT IT BLACK.

[Indigo Grace]

Last night the gypsies came -
Nobody knows from where.
Where they’ve gone to nobody knows,
And nobody seems to care!

Between the trees on the old swamp road
I saw them round their fire:
Tattered children and dogs that barked
As the flames leaped high and higher;
There were black-eyed girls in scarlet shawls,
Old folk wrinkled with years,
Men with handkerchiefs round their throats
And silver loops in their ears.
Ragged and red like maple leaves
When frost comes in the Fall,
The gypsies stayed but a single night;
In the morning gone were all -
Never a shaggy gypsy dog,
Never a gypsy child;
Only a burnt-out gypsy fire
Where danced that band so wild.

All gone and away,
Who knows where?
Only the wind that sweeps
Maple branches bare.



~Rachel Field~

[Indigo Grace]

Domenica (Sunday) --
12:02 am --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I have returned to Hogwarts. Believe me it was not expected, but there's little to be done about it when you have empty pockets and you haven't quite taught yourself how to survive without eating. That and Ethan is very focused about his education, and what with my not receiving any form of proper learning until I was twelve, I feel I could benefit. Hasn't my English improved? It's better than most English speakers.

Bad news - Rebel is sick. Apparently he caught the bird flu while I was gone. Jada was supposed to be taking care of him and now I have to wait before being reunited. I clearly wasn't thinking when I entrusted a girl who's afraid of a mouse to take care of a full grown, bold owl. If he doesn't get well....I need to be practical, but it would be a lie to say I wouldn't be very, very, very upset. More upset than I am about leaving Ireland and coming back to England and Hogwarts. I thought I was done looking at all of their ugly faces. Apparently, not.

[Indigo Grace]

Martedì (Tuesday) --
4:36 pm --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I could have been nicer and I could have sent my note in the other direction, which would have kept it from landing on Jackie Fountaine's desk. There are however, a lot of could have's and would have's in that sentence. I very pleasantly asked if I could borrow someone's notes because they looked like a smart sort of person (if that wasn't obvious enough, this was not intended for her but the ravenclaw beside her) and she scoffed at me. She is so difficult to talk to, because she is friends with Ethan and she feels she has this connection to him that no one else does, not even me. Well, a few things were said and I told her if she was going to attempt suicide that she should at least have the decency to succeed. And that was that.

Which was an awful thing to say. Which she pointed out, and I turned my nose up at. I don't know why I say things like that to other people, especially when I don't want Jackie to commit suicide because not only would that upset Ethan but.....but why would I want her to do such a thing? I don't hate her. She irritates me but I do not hate her. I don't know, perhaps.....

I don't know. But I sincerely hope that, as she seemed to do with everything else I said, she'll laugh it off and realize I have no idea what I'm talking about. As usual.

[Indigo Grace]

Saturday (Sabato) --
4:48 pm --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

SHE LOST REBEL. She lost Rebel in the middle of Hogsmeade where there are all those people and so many different ways he could get hurt and she lost him! What's worse, she lied to me about it. Jada tried to keep me from knowing when this whole time she's pretended he was sick I could have been looking for him. She found him in the Shrieking Shack. My poor, baby. What was he doing in there? He must have been absolutely terrified. Stupid girl. I should have known better than to trust her with an owl. "Oh, but he bit my finger." Oh well la dee da! That's no reason to leave a defenseless animal all alone. I'm so mad I could punch her in the face. At least he's back safe and sound. Completely traumatized, but back.

[Indigo Grace]

Lunedi (Monday) --
11:23 am --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I don't think I'll speak to Ethan for at least a week, I'll let him sit in silence and think about what he's done. Why I was studying in the common room like I usually do and he comes in and he drops a bomb on me from the middle of nowhere, telling me things don't feel the same, and does it feel different to me too? He got time to think about his answer, I didn't. I improved as best as I could but really, how was that not offensive, practically telling me he thought our relationship was weird. He got all uptight when I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. I was being the better person - I was. I tried to change the subject so we wouldn't get in a fight but Ethan is so stubborn. He completely snubbed me when I cuddled up to him! Hah, does he know how many guys would some physical action with me? I know what I'm doing. He stormed off and then I couldn't focus at all on my work. Not that I could before.

Insufferable boy. Man child.

[Indigo Grace]

Do you see how upset he is? Look what she's done to poor Rebel.

He's...tame now. He won't come out of the cage.

[Indigo Grace]

There must be some sort of vet shrink I can take Rebel to see. Usually I think the concept of a shrink to be a complete waste of time but Rebel barely eats, he barely sleeps, he just sits there in that cage and won't come out. He doesn't have to be in that cage! He insists upon boxing himself up in my room and likes to stand there staring.

And staring.

And staring.

I woke up in the middle of the night and his big yellow eyes were staring at me. I nearly jumped out of my skin.

I knew something was wrong, I knew something was wrong the moment Jada found him and brought him to me.

It's my fault, he's angry that I left him with that animal abuser. He felt abandoned by me.

I'm a bad mother.

[Indigo Grace]

Lunedi (Monday) --
5:42 pm --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

We should have stayed with the silence. What is Ethan going to do next I mean really, join the circus and become the man on the flying trapeze? He ignores me for a week and then waltzes in to the common room and practically throws a diamond ring at me. Oh and then, THEN proceeds to tell me not to make such a fuss about it because he'd only bought it because....actually, he didn't have a reason as to why he bought it but he was quite sure it would never be for me.

Excuse you? I was trying so very hard to get along with him, to make things work in the smallest form of "normalcy" but Ethan is dead set against it. If he doesn't have a fight to pick he just can't function.

I don't want to be married, I never want to be married. Obviously he's been with holding from me as much as I have been from him. The door swings both ways. It's not like it hasn't been hard enough, with running into the father and finding out that there's actually a chance I can see my sister...oh, if I stop living in sin and I marry the pureblooded boy.

Honestly, my life was less drastic when I lived in Italy.

[Indigo Grace]

When I say he's doing "that thing with his face",




That is of course, the face I'm referring to. Lemon, anyone?

[Indigo Grace]

Sabato(Saturday)
--11:34 am --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

He broke up with me. He wrote me a scathing note, took me out by the lake to see me squirm and then insisted I tell him everything that has happened in my life because apparently he already knows what happened with my mother. And he still took me out to the lake, and it's like...it's like he enjoyed seeing me so scared. I know Ethan and I fight, but I would never enjoy.....

After I told him everything he still broke up with me. That's that. He absolutely hates me and I couldn't say a thing in return. I just took a little "hop" in the lake and sat there for awhile, under the rippling water.

I'm not angry at Ethan, I'm not angry at myself I'm just numb. How can I explain it?

[Indigo Grace]

Lunedi (Monday) --
11:09 am --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Did you know when that boy walked by me today, I literally ran into his shoulder when an imbecile charged me from behind, and he didn't say a word to me? He kept walking by.

He didn't say a single thing to me.

[Indigo Grace]

Martedi (Tuesday) --
3:17 pm --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

This is getting ridiculous. We share classes together, we have a common room, we both know Marlene! He can't keep it up forever.

[Indigo Grace]

Martedi (Tuesday) --
6:30 pm --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

This is highly immature.

[Indigo Grace]

Martedi (Tuesday) --
9:45 pm --

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Fine.

I miss my amore.