don't panic

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

I love you. Let me know if you want me to visit you soon. I can come over to your apartment, and cook you dinner, and bake you dessert, and we can sit around and not really talk, but just be together, because being with someone is good at times like this, even if you're not talking. You don't have to be alone.

Love,



PS: The baby kicked.

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[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

The offer still stands for the food, you know. And it will stand for the rest of forever. So you just... yeah, you let me know if you ever want that food and the company because just... yeah. If you need some space, just let me know, and I'll stop with the letters. Just know that I'm still here, and I'm thinking about you, and I'm worried about you, and I love you, and if you ever need anything, anything, anything at all, please just let me know because I'll do what I can to help you. I love you so much, Sirius.

Love,

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

I'm not sure if you're reading this or not, but assuming you are, in an attempt to get your mind off of other things, I'm going to babble to you about my life.

Christmas is chaotic, as per usual. Will is here. My family really loves him a lot, you should see Conor, he's following Will around - I'd laugh so hard if he's sorted into Ravenclaw because Will is his hero, or something of the sort. My nieces and nephews are getting so big, so fast. It's still really strange, to think that soon I'm going to have one of my own, who will grow just as rapidly as all the other little ones. Terrifying! It really won't feel real until he or she is here, though, apparently, which does make sense. We're finding out tomorrow. The sex, I mean. I'm really excited. Will is, too. He's less obvious about his excitement, but I can tell. The house is filled with music all the time. The younger kids are always practicing their instruments, people are always singing, Will and I and all the older kids just end up playing something because we can and it's fun, there's singing, it's lovely. One of my favorite things about this house. We should have been a traveling family band. I missed playing the piano a lot. I'd been neglecting practicing the entire first term because everything got so busy; I'm glad I haven't gotten too rusty in the time that's passed since I was practicing regularly.

I miss being able to drink coffee. And alcohol (Well, I do have a glass of wine every now and again, but my doctor says that's fine. What I really want is a Mudslide, but that's got hard liquor in it, and that's not okay). I sort-of miss the summer, but that won't really set in until about January 12, give or take a few days. By then the cold and the snow just get old because you're out of the Christmas spirit. I miss my grandmother. I miss the smell of freshly cut grass. I miss our spot on the grounds. I miss Quidditch. I also miss you.

Please, be safe.

With love,

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

It's a boy.

I miss you.

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

I hate not knowing how you are. I hate not knowing where you are. I hate knowing you're sad. I hate this. I hate that all of this had to happen. For the love of Merlin, Sirius, please just be okay. Please be alive. Please don't be depressed. Please just try to remember being happy, and think about the nice things, and maybe I'm being selfish because I like happy Sirius so much, but I think it would benefit you and a lot of other people if you were happy, and I'm not saying you have to be happy right now this very instant, but I'm hoping eventually you'll be back to normal. I know normal will never be quite normal because Marls is gone, but Marls being gone has apparently become the new normal (is it too soon to even mention her? I have no idea how you're coping right now! I don't know what to say! What to do!), so just, you know, try to be happy. Don't even try to be happy. Just bloody do it. Okay, I guess if it's too hard, at least try. But it really shouldn't be that hard to at least be a little happy, even though something terrible and heartbreaking just happened. You can't let that get in the way of all the other beautiful things though. You're not allowed to let that make your mind all dark and twisty. Because even though Marls is gone, the sky is still beautiful at night, and sunsets are still lovely, and the air will still smell nice during a bonfire, and holding hands with people will still make you warm and fuzzy inside, and laughter will always make you feel better whether you want it to or not. Marls is gone, Sirius, but she wouldn't want you to forget that. Just think about all the people you love, and the people who love you right back. That's something to be happy about. Love.

Let me know, when you can, how you're doing.

With lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love,

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[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

You need to be alive. Know why? Because in like, a year in a half, I fully expect to see you in my front yard teaching my kid how to ride a broomstick, goddammit. So don't you dare go off dying on me Sirius Orion Black, don't you dare get killed, because I swear, I will hold that against you forever.

Will is worried about you. So is Owen, the one who's in his sixth year right now. He always adored you, you know. He's even used some of your pranks at school. Owen will loom around in the kitchen, sometimes, waiting for the post to come, doing something nonchalant like getting a glass of milk or something. He pretends he's not all that concerned, but he is. He's never actually directly asked about you, but I catch him looking for my expression whenever the owls come. His face is almost as disappointed as mine when he's realized nothing's come from you, and he'll just sulk out of the kitchen. Mum would like you to know that if you need any place to stay, there's plenty of room here, which right now, is the biggest lie I've ever heard. I'm surprised the house hasn't burst at the seams. But by the time the holidays are over, the house will be cleared right out. You'd like living here. I know you would.

Love,

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

(a note left on his kitchen counter)

Sirius -

I'm not sure what to make of this; a part of me is relieved that you're not here, because had you been, that would mean you're too depressed to pick up a quill and write me a letter. On the other hand, you could be anywhere, you could be dead, you could have been kidnapped, you could be in trouble, you could be fighting some seriously dark wizards right now without any help...

God, just please don't be dead.

Will and I cleaned up a little bit. I was really, really hoping you would show up tonight - New Year's Eve and all. I reckon somebody else has been here as well, because the letters have all been sorted and whatnot. I don't think any owls are coordinated enough to put things into piles.

If you don't come home soon, I seriously -

I don't even know

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[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

I'm so worried sick, they essentially had to force feed me today. You know how I get when I don't have food, Black. I'm a monster. But no appetite today. Not at all.

You better get your ass back here before I do something irrational.

Love,

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

You're not allowed to die. You're not allowed to die. You're not allowed to die. You're not allowed to die. You're not allowed to die. You're not allowed to die. You better not be dead right now, Sirius Black, I - you can't be. You can't be dead. You cannot be dead. I - cannot fathom - you - being - dead. Please. Please, Sirius, I am begging you, come back. Come back and be alive and be okay because I cannot handle you being gone like this. I can't handle not knowing. I'm seriously going insane over here, please come back. This is so fucking pointless too! I'm just writing to a goddamn piece of paper, you're not going to bloody read this, you're off in the wilderness or something being stupid and avoidant and you can't run from your problems forever, you know, Sirius Orion, because if you do that, you're just - this is dumb. Okay, I understand the being upset thing, buddy, but now you're just screwing yourself over because by the time you come back all I'm going to want to do is hit you because my sympathy and patience will have run dry by then! ugh. Okay. You're messing with me right now. Unintentionally. But I'm having all of these emotions and I don't know what to do with them, and I blame that on you, you little skeazeball. Also, I swear on Merlin's saggy balls that if you're trying to find whoever did that to Marls?

I am going to -

You know what?

I don't even know what I'm going to do.

But it's not going to be pretty.

I AM NOT PLEASED WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

(love) UGH,

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

I'm sorry for being really mean to you in my last letter. I still love you. A lot. I'm just freaked out. And terrified. And annoyed. And you're being dumb right now, actually, so I really have nothing to apologize for. Except I guess I do, because you're having ~sensitive moments lately on account of the woman you loved dying, but that's not a good excuse for falling off the face of the planet, especially when you're Sirius Black, because who the fuck trusts Sirius Black with his intense emotions anyway? Yeah, definitely not me. Because you probably are off doing something like trying to avenge her murder, so, you know, whatever, you're just not allowed to die or get injured, but you probably will! Ha, ha, ha. So, yeah. You're dumb. Really, really dumb. And I'm really pregnant, and really pissed off.

Get your hairy arse back home. I need you.

Love,
(This is getting old really fast, buddy)

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

I SWEAR ON MERLIN'S SAGGY BALLS, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU ARE GOING TO BE AT THE RECEIVING END OF THE WORST PUS-SQUIRTING HEX IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE IF YOU'RE NOT HOME WITHIN THE WEEK.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW (i still love you, but SERIOUSLY, SIRIUS, I AM SO UNAMUSED BY THIS BULLSHIT)

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

I was mean again. I'm sorry.

I miss you. I love you. A lot. Like, I don't think you understand how much I love you. You're one of the greatest, most amazing people I've ever met, and I really can't imagine my life without you in it, in at least some way. It's incredible, looking back on all of our memories together the past few years, and honestly, I really think I was happy in almost every single one of those moments I spent with you. And that's not something that's easy to find. We just get along so well. I don't know. It's weird. So please be alive. Please be safe. Please, just come back home.

Love,

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

I actually think I'm going crazy

Why won't you just come back is that so much to ask

please

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

Please don't leave. Please don't die. I need you.

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Lucy Murphy]

Sirius -

I feel like I'm some sort of disturbing combination between an ex-lover, a stalker, and somebody's mother as I'm writing these, you know. So I'm sorry if I'm freaking you out or crowding you or any of that. Know, however, that you brought it upon yourself. Ignoring people and/or running away isn't a cool thing to do. Just a friendly, passive-aggressive reminder from yours truly.

When you come back, I hope you know better than to tell me the dirty details of what happened when you were off. Because I will rip the throat out of whoever tried to hurt you and I won't even feel bad about it

Speaking of, come back soon!! Okay?! Okay, sounds good, you're a gem, never change, etc, etc, etc, I love you, asshole.

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